


As Lost As I Get, I Will Find You

by CynDeez



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Angry Daryl, Awkward Daryl, Daryl Dixon Smut, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Nervous Daryl, POV First Person, Protective Daryl, Tattoos, Virgin Daryl, Zombie Apocalypse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-25
Updated: 2016-09-10
Packaged: 2018-05-23 03:04:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 35
Words: 97,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6102706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CynDeez/pseuds/CynDeez
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I never knew what it was like to be happy. I never felt how a girl should feel. Beautiful. Dainty. Sugar and Spice and all that shit. Not me. More like pizza and vodka. Some melodic hardcore. If that's even a thing.. Maybe I was meant for this world. To be one of them. The dead walking. Funny how this life works..The beauty you find in the ugliest of things.. I wish I had found him sooner. I wish I had loved him longer. Daryl Dixon. My shot of whiskey."</p><p>- Chase S.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Because We Do Not Know When We Will Die..

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for taking the time to read my stuff! Please leave a comment :)

They say the moment right before your heart takes it's final beat, your entire life flashes before your eyes. I don't know how true that is. And in what order are these bursts of light? Does it jump around to only the best parts? Like a movie fast forwarding to the climactic scenes? How about the dark moments? Those that haunt and make it hurt. I mean really hurt. Sometimes a second can feel like an eternity. Maybe that's what this is. My life flashing before my eyes. I am dying. I have been this whole time and I want this flash of so called life to end. Just stop. I'm ready to sleep.. I am so exhausted. But the seconds drag on. The minutes are a lifetime. My heart is on stage ready to take it's final bow after the most intense encore. The crowd is thin and the only witnesses are weeping. What a performance. What a way to go out. The roses falling on the stage. Then suddenly the curtains violently close. There's blood dripping. No. Pouring down the walls now. All over the crowd. All over me. My heart is beating now. Faster and faster. And just like that, I find myself. Not quite dead. But how? I thought that was it..

 

“Chase!” The sound of my name echoes behind my pounding heartbeat, “Don’t move! I’m coming!”

I can’t move. My leg is wedged between the cold ground and the weight of the dead. So fucking heavy. A pain starts to creep up my left leg and up my spine. My chest even. “I think it’s my ankle. Fuck.” I may or may not have said that aloud. I see more coming. Not many, but enough to do damage if you’re caught off guard. I start to push them off of me. How can I let this happen? Sloppy. After I jammed my blade into it’s temple another one knocked over onto it, onto me. I fought it off and finished it but not before I fell the wrong way with the dead weight crushing my leg. Get. The. Fuck. Off. Me.

I muster the strength to push and kick my way to freedom. If that’s what you want to call it. I struggle, slightly, to my feet. My left ankle feels tweaked but nothing I can’t handle. This guy with me, Jake is his name. I quickly look over to be sure he has his shit together as they approach us. “I’m good. I’m good” I throw my hands in the air in assurance before I grab both of my blades. Every move is important. And I can’t figure out if it’s the want to live or the survival instinct that keeps me breathing.

Jake pushes one of them then quickly forces his blade through it’s decaying skull. Me, about 5 feet away, I waste no time taking the dull edges of my rusted blades to one, and then two. Hopefully there aren’t any more behind them. Jake screams. A shrill terrible sound. I feel it in my gut.

It was too late. It happened so fast. The blood squirted from the open wound in his neck. So much blood. Carotid artery. His screaming seemed to intensify it. It was just too fast. He managed to take out the dead, stumbling. I tried to help, but there was little I could do. Sloppy.  
“Shit, Jake” I grabbed him as he fell, taking me down with him. I kneeled and lay his head in my arms. Both of us, bloodied as his neck continued to spew red. I looked into his eyes but he was already gone. Staring off right through me. By now, his screams were mere gurgling gasps. What dying sounds like. I imagined this as the moment his entire life was playing before his cold, lifeless eyes. I truly hoped he was reliving a cinematic masterpiece. I tried to comfort him as best as I could with what little was left in this world. No one deserves to die alone. No one. I gripped my blade and with the sound of his final breath, kissed his forehead. “Goodbye, friend” I whispered before pushing the knife deep into his temple. Silence now.

I craved a cigarette and I don’t smoke. At least, I never used to. But everything was different now. I sat for who knows how long, in silence. Just me and my dead friend Jake. I really didn’t know him. Who he was before. How old he was. What his family was like, if he had one. I met him out here along the road to nowhere. He was kind enough to share his catch that day. Rabbit. I have to say I hadn’t tasted rabbit before. Pretty damn good.

But Jake, I hadn’t known too much about him. All I knew was that he was nice to me for who knows how long we were out here together. And that was all I needed to know. I let out a sigh. I had to let him go now. I lift his head and gently place it on the ground, softly running my hand over his eyes to close them. He deserves a proper burial. I didn’t have a shovel, but Jake did. A small folding military shovel. After I went through his person and backpack, collecting weapons and supplies, I began to dig. This was not going to be easy but it had to be done. Right under a tree, I would bury my friend. And after what felt like an eternity, I placed the last shoveled dirt pile atop the shallow grave. I sniffled a little, wiping the sweat from my brow. My long dark hair, matted and sticking to neck. My back was killing me. My ankle still stinging a bit. I found myself alone again, sooner than I had hoped. I felt my eyes begin to welt. Crying won’t help, I knew that. I wanted to scream. But that would be worse. Without a sense of where I was, how many days and how much time had passed, I decided feelings weren’t necessary today. More importantly, I had better pack up and find a place to spend the night.


	2. An Arrow A Day...

Sunrises are different depending where you are. In the big city of New York, I always woke thinking it was raining. Until my eyes fully opened and adapted to the new day, and I opened up the blinds, it always looked like a dark shitty day. 9 times out of ten, I'd be wrong. Now take that same sunrise in Hawaii, that's a whole different event. The sky sets fire. Lives and breathes life right into everything below. The Earth comes alive. Birds chirp. Waves crash. That breeze through your hair. Your senses dance in unison with the world around you. What a moment in time..

The sun begins to rise wherever I am. I know because I'm awake. Sleep in Hell isn't exactly sleep. More like an in between catatonic state where you lose focus on what is real and what is simply a fabricated image of what used to be. An out of body experience. My back aches against the cold ground and I let out a moan. Goddammit. Another fucking day. Rest is something we just tell ourselves we need because I've been doing just fine without it. As my eyes fully open and adapt to the new day, I re-realize that Jake is gone and I'm alone again. And thirsty.

"Good mourning" I mumble. Sarcasm. I slay me. I sit up and stretch my arms above my head. Standing up now to bend over and stretch some more. I look around. I really wish I knew where I was. Somewhere between Jersey and...Florida, I guess. When this all started we ran. And never stopped running. South, we thought, would be our best chance at survival. Away from the city, you know. Now it's just me. And I'd give anything to have it the other way around.

I am. So. Thirsty. I pack my shit, a collection of belongings from my fallen companions, and pull out my compass. I'm gonna keep heading South. That was the plan. I pull my long dark hair back away from my sweaty face. The skin on my arms, a beautiful array of colors and lines. My masterpiece of self expression. My story. Funny that the skin I am most comfortable in is the skin that has someone else's interpretation of my artistic vision inked into it. I sling my shit over my shoulder and keep it moving. I have to find water.

I walk. And walk. For who knows how long. Must be early afternoonish. So far today has been a quiet day. Just one dead asshole roaming up ahead. I slowly reach for my blade and follow it. Hunting it. Never know I'm coming until the cold steel pierces it's rotting brain. You must be aware of your surroundings at all times. You must know how to get in and get out undetected. Clean. Like a fucking ninja. I am almost ready to strike. And this wandering corpse hasn't a clue. Here goes - -

An arrow. Right through the wandering corpses head. I jump back, my heart racing. Someone was watching me. Following me, following the dead. How could I have not known? Sloppy.

"Hey you!" A raspy voice calls out behind a crossbow aimed right at me "Yeah, you.. You alone?"

I look at him, trying to make sense of the man behind the weapon. My chest is rising and falling in tune with my pounding heart. Sweat dripping from my brow. I want to grab for my gun, but the minute I move this guy will put an arrow between my eyes.

"What, can't you hear?" He barks.

"Ye- Yes. I'm alone." I put my blade in the sheath, slowly. "I have no one." my voice cracks, desperate. I want to cry but I can't. I'm breathing heavier now. Not necessarily in fear.

The mysterious man lowers his weapon. His eyes looking right through me. He says nothing else as he walks over the dead. With one quick motion, he steps onto it's head and yanks the arrow right out. I stand, frozen, watching him. He's been out here longer than anyone should. I can feel him. He's gone cold. As he walks by me, I get a chill. His eyes meet mine once more and in that moment, I am not afraid.

"Come on, girl" The mystery man with the crossbow speaks, motioning for me to follow him.

"I- I don't" Why can't I speak? I'm equally nervous and intrigued. Suddenly, I'm tongue tied.

The man shakes his head and let's out a laugh, his voice so raspy "You do what you want" he says. He looks at me as he begins to walk away, throwing his weapon over his shoulder. I see no one else waiting for him at the edge of the woods. He's alone too.

"Wait!" I call out "Ok." I walk toward him, still walking away from me. He doesn't pay me any mind at first. And I wish I wasn't acting like such a girl. "Wait!"

He turns to me, not at all amused at the idiot girl in front of him. I felt pathetic at how desperate I was, in this moment, for a companion. Any type of human interaction. The reality is I don't want to be alone again. I was. For way too long. But how do I just follow this guy? I have no idea who he is? He didn't threaten me. He didn't make an advance towards me. He seems just as much as a lost soul as I am. And in the 30 seconds that I've known him, my gut tells me it's ok. "I'm Chase" I say and hold my hand out. He looks at me, at my hand. "Come on then" He says as he turns to walk away, motioning to follow.

Am I crazy? Fuck.. I take a deep breath and follow him. Who knows to who knows where..


	3. Soggy As An Armpit..

Summer used to be my favorite season. Days spent on the beach. Nights at one of our favorite spots, just sitting outside with a cold brew. Watching life go by around us, we would smile and laugh more in those moments than anywhere else. My brother and I. He was my best friend. My only friend. And even though I never quite felt like he 'got me', it didn't matter. Those were the days. When my brother was still breathing. The days before Summer meant slowly dying of thirst. Completely drenching the only 2 shirts I have in sweat. Running for my life..

 

I hated running. But sometimes there were just too many of them. With what little energy we had, we ran. "Right there! Let's go!" Daryl was his name. It had only been a few days since we've been out here together. And all I actually knew about Mr. Personality, was that he could keep me alive. Daryl looked back at the herd, now slightly further behind us. "This way" he motioned, and I followed. The weight of my entire body heavier on my feet now. My ankles. And just when I felt like my muscles would atrophy, I felt a strong grip around my arm pulling me down.

Crouching down behind a large fallen tree branch, Daryl and I said not a word. The leaves and bark separating us from the dead. I know we would be fine if we just stay still and quiet. As the grunting and moans grow closer, I place my hand over my mouth. Just in case I breathe too loud. The sound is what I hated the most. The growls and snarls of these..creatures. Hard to even fathom the fact that these things were once human. But I swear, if you got close enough, and looked deep into it's cold blank stare, you could almost catch a glimpse of a soul tragically lost forever. A piece of what used to be. Those sounds. Loud as they can possibly be. They were moving. Passing through. And it wouldn't be long before we were in the clear. I uncomfortably leaned against Daryl, a droplet of his sweat dripped on my arm. But I couldn't move. Not yet. The horrible noises seemed to fade off. Less and less. More distant by the minute. My hand still over my mouth, I looked at Daryl. His eyes glued to the ground in front of us. I wanted to go. But I was tired of running.

"Can we just sit here?" I spoke softly "Just for a few?"

"And waste time?" Daryl lifted himself up. "We gotta keep it movin' "

"We are always rushing off! To where? Do you know something I don't? Because honestly, there's nothing fucking out here!" I look up at him, letting my exhaustion get the best of me. "I'm tired and I just want to sit for a goddamn minute!"

Could I have struck a nerve with this man of not so many words? He looked down at me. Then turned to walk away "Fine. Suit yourself then"

"Seriously?" I jumped to my feet " Dude, what is your problem?!"

Daryl turned around to face me, walking up to me with his finger in my face "You are my problem, girl! You either come or you don't, I could give 2 shits."

I feel my blood begin to boil, as if it wasn't hot enough under the beaming sun, "Can't you just talk to me? Tell me where we are going so I don't have to feel like I am wasting all my time and energy? I mean, can you even say more than 3 words at a time?"

I look at him, waiting for an answer. Anything to reassure me. He shakes his head and with that raspy voice yells back "Guess I can't!" He angrily turns around and begins to walk away.

"You're a fucking asshole! Go fuck yourself!" I bark. I had reached my breaking point. Frustrated, I unload, "I don't need you! Little Miss Fucking Ray Of Sunshine over here! Thanks for nothing, douche bag!"

He flips me the bird as he continues to walk away, not even looking back. Crossbow, over his right shoulder. The worn angel wings on the back of his jacket moving with him. With each step. Flying away. What. A. Scumbag. And you know what? I really don't need him. I really don't need no one! I've survived most of this Hell by myself. Before and after the old world went to shit. To be honest, before all this wasn't that much better for me. I hated myself, did nothing right and had no friends. So why the hell would I even think I could start now? If I die, I die. Alone or next to some hick hillbilly shitface, what's the difference? I had 2 of everything. 2 guns, 2 blades. One for each limb. And I swear I could handle it. And the worst would be death. And Death is sounding a whole lot better than this shit right about now.

 

I watched Daryl walk away. Watched him until he just seemed to vanish. Did he know something I didn't? I mean, where was he so desperately heading to? He didn't speak much, but maybe because he had just grown so used to being alone. Maybe he had been separated from his family and was on a mission to find them. I mean, I didn't have a plan. I just knew I needed to head South. But for what? What did I think I was going to find? My brother is dead. Taken right from me by these savages. I've had time to cool off and I know I had done it again. Overreacted. I knew nothing about him. Where he came from, where he was going. Maybe he truly does have a plan. I don't even know what state I'm in. The forests all look exactly the same and last time I checked, I think we were in Virginia. I think. So what now? I've sat here long enough going over every little thing over and over in my head. If I go now, I can still catch up to him. I can try and patch things up. As much as I know I can survive this on my own, truth is, maybe I don't really want to. I sigh and grab my things and start to run, praying it wasn't too late to find Daryl.


	4. Inside Out..

Ah New York. If you can make it there.. well, you know.. Make it, huh. Do they mean work on Wall Street? Own a penthouse somewhere in the middle of the sky overlooking Central Park? Broadway star? Or do they simply mean, survive? Scrounge and scrape up enough money to somehow have a roof over your head while you eat Ramen every night? Surviving in New York City can be cruel and uninviting. The big city can eat you alive if you aren't careful. But you do what you gotta do because there is no other choice. Funny, how everything comes full circle. It's never as bad as you think it is, until it's that much worse. The Devil is a dirty bitch. Do what you gotta do..

\-------------------------------

Daryl looks at me and shifts his head to the left. I know he wants me to stay back. I nod, pressing my back against the wall so hard I feel like I might burst through the other side. The walls feel like they are closing around us and I can hear them trying to get in. They are yelling but I don't know what they're saying. I just wish they would stop summoning the dead. Fear can be deafening. Suffocating. They know we're in here. I have never killed anyone before. Never imagined I'd have to. But I'm ready. A gun in each hand. Finger on each trigger. It was only a matter of time before it was us or them.

BANG!

I jumped. Daryl glanced back at me, then quickly turned his attention back toward the boarded window. The tip of an axe breaking through the wood. And then again.. and again. We thought we would be safe here. Just for a little while.

BANG! BANG!

The light from the setting sun peeks through the new cracks hacked into the wood. Sending the light in with each pound of the axe. I clench my pistols and try to catch my breath as my heart beats out of my chest. It was odd but I could feel Daryl. His energy. And in the uncertainty and the fear, I knew we would be ok because he gets it. He can make it in this world.

BANG!

In one last blow to whats left of the wood barrier, they kick their way in. One and then two. Oh man, then three. I point my guns right at them. I fire my right, hitting the smaller of the three and he spins. I can't tell where I hit him, but I got him. Daryl ducks, the swinging axe missing him by inches. He pulls his gun on the savage and puts him down. I shoot off, this time with both. The recoil throws my small frame back a bit, but I keep my focus and I realize these guys haven't got any guns. I hit the remaining savage in the arm and all it seems to do is piss him off. Daryl lunges at him and the two struggle, knocking into the few pieces of furniture in the small room. Destroying our illusion of safety. That asshole, he hits Daryl in the face, knocking him over but far from out. I am afraid to shoot. I am not the best shot and I would never forgive myself if I put a bullet in the wrong person.

Suddenly - something knocked me over so hard and so fast, it knocked the wind right out of me. I screamed as I hit the ground. I could hear Daryl calling for me. "Daryl!!" I called out right before I felt the mans knuckles crash into my face. My face. I swear I heard my bones cracking one by one. I wanted to scream out but I couldn't. During the impact, I dropped my guns. I tried to reach for them but it was too late. I opened my eyes to find the barrel of my own gun staring down at me. The man I shot. I must have got him in the arm or not even at all. Sloppy. I don't want to die here. Not like this.

BOOM!

My eyes closed now. Blood splatters all over me. Blood and chunks of brain matter. My face is inside out. That's it.. Is it? I feel the weight of the man on top of me violently shift, shoved away like dead weight. I open my eyes. Oh my God. I'm alive.

Daryl hovers over me "Chase.." He's kneeling beside me, scooping my head off the cold hard floor "You ok?" If heaven and angels existed, Daryl Dixon would be a fucking angel. I look over at the lifeless piece of shit that lay next to me. I'm alive.

"Yeah." I say pulling myself up. "You?"

"Still breathin' " He hands me one of my guns. "Stay here."

Daryl scouts the cottage, inside and out. He walks to the door and the window and ensures that they don't have any friends coming our way. I struggle to my feet. I never took a punch like that. Not from a man who wanted to kill me. My face was on fire. My head pounding. By now, the sun had almost completely set, leaving us in the dark. I wasn't sure if we should stay the night.

Daryl walked back into the cottage and handed me his bandana, "Clean off"

\-----------------------

It had been about two weeks.. when we stumbled upon this small cottage. We decided it might be a great place to just settle for a few. So tired of being out there. Exposed and alone. Running. Always running and going nowhere. Daryl said he was with people. Good people. Something horrible happened and they got separated. He felt they were still out there. If not all of them, some of them. So we found this cottage and apparently we weren't the only ones. Everyone was trying to make it. Trying to survive. With each passing day, each week, we were all getting more desperate. Scrounging what you could and doing whatever it takes to protect yourself and your loved ones. People were the real threat now. I wondered how long it would be until we became the ones breaking down the door. We decided to stay in the cottage for the night. See what morning brings. We made sure these mother fuckers were really dead. No coming back. I helped Daryl drag the bodies to the backyard. We would burn them in the morning. But right now, we had to find something, anything, to secure this window. We couldn't risk any walkers making their way in while we slept. If we slept..


	5. Colorful Garbage..

It doesn't ever make your situation any better if you keep wishing and dreaming of the past. I know that. But fuck if I don't miss taking a shower. My warm bed. Pizza. Mmmmm and cake. I actually miss human contact. Which, if you knew me.. would come as a bit of a shock. But yeah, I miss having someone to talk to. To laugh with. A pretend friend. A coworker. You could shoot the shit for a few and then go home and be alone in your thoughts. Never ever getting too close. Just close enough to go out for drinks a few nights a week. Maybe a fuck. I miss being touched... Now, I never in a trillion years thought I could miss my shit job and fake "friends". My bullshit everyday life. The people in it that I would dodge and break plans with..Above all else, however.. I miss vodka. Whiskey. Oh so much..

I clear my throat. We sit in silence now. Daryl and I. And for fucks sake, I wish he would say something.

"Thank you." I look at him. He sits across the room on the floor. Almost blending perfectly into the wall, clutching his cross bow. I can't see his eyes but I am almost positive he ain't looking at me "You saved my life. I owe you"

Silence. It was so loud these days. My face hurt. It felt swollen and pulsating. And as tired as I was, I couldn't sleep. I curled my knees to my chest and couldn't stop staring at the pool of blood where I almost lost my life. I used to play around with death way too much. Knowing that when it really came down to it, I was truly terrified of it. Dying. I attempted suicide twice. And failed. Twice. Maybe I just deep down inside didn't want to die. I don't really know why I hurt so much but all I know is I have never felt secure. I never felt truly loved. Mainly because I hate me. So I get it. I'm the worst. And if Daryl was a normal person, I might actually feel bad that he got stuck with a psycho bitch like me.

I slowly stood, small cracking sounds from my knees. I felt horrible. Everything ached and cramped. I was thinner. But not in a good way. I wish I had something else to change into. I wanted to rip my clothes off at this point. They had might as well become a part of me. A second skin. I run my hands over my arms and hug myself. I wish I had someone to hug. I felt so exposed. I try and stretch, but can't get too much out of it. I stumble over to Daryl and sit about a foot away from him. I hear him breathe in and out. A full deep breath of disgust, if I had to guess. He glances at me for a second. Then looks away.

"I would give anything for a shower" I say. "And some clean clothes." I sit in front of Daryl, legs crossed. "And a greasy ass cheeseburger." I smirk, "Don't you?"

"Forget all that" He grunts "Ain't no point even thinkin' bout it"

"So what do you think about, then?" I waited for an answer. Tell me anything. Tell me to go fuck myself. Just talk to me. Pretend I exist. Even for a minute.

Daryl moved his head to the right, cracking his neck. He licked his lips slightly and moved his gaze about the room. Here, in the dark cottage, it was quiet now. Here, in this dark quiet cottage, where 3 men lost their lives not long before at the hands of my mysterious friend. I sighed, not taking my eyes off of him. Frustrating. But I can see his pain and struggles. I know that discomfort all too well. He looked up at me and caught my gaze, blinking a few times before looking away. His eyes were blue. And pretty. I hadn't noticed before.. And after what felt like an eternity, he finally spoke in that raspy twang.

"I think 'bout how I wish you'd shut the hell up already"

I lowered my head into a sarcastic laugh "Right.. of course" This was gonna be a ball of fun. Awkward at it's best with us idiots trying to co-exist in the end of times. I wasn't sure if he hated everyone or just simply hated me. But I wouldn't dwell on that tonight. "Good talk" I patted myself on the thighs and stood to walk away. I guess I would keep to my side of the room. Whatever wars were raging inside of Daryl, I would let him have them. And whenever he was ready, I would be there. I owed him at least that.

To my surprise, Daryl spoke again "Get some sleep. You ain't lookin' too good"

"I'll try, Daryl" A smile across my face.

I looked like garbage, I knew that. Weak, swollen, colorful garbage. My small body was way weaker than his. But I would survive. I always had, even when I didn't want to. He hadn't ever really said anything at all, let alone anything nice. But I got the small feeling that he cared. If not for me as a person, at least for me as a living human being that he had to keep alive. Maybe I got hit in the head way too hard, but I couldn't help but be intrigued by my silent fake friend. I have the urge to learn him. Hear him speak. Look at him. Brush the hair from his face so I can see his eyes. I want to get to know him. Where he's been, where he's going. What music he likes, if any. What pains him. Maybe it's the same thing that pains me. How old is he? Does he like Whiskey? Ok.. I think I really did get knocked on the head way too hard..


	6. I Could Float Here Forever..

I didn't want to go. I was tired of moving. Place to place. Nowhere was safe and once that was established, we had to keep going. On to the next false hope. There was little food in the cottage. A few canned goods. A can of cat food. We were desperate. Daryl had got us a possum. And we ate through him real quick. The amount of calories in to calories out were definitely not enough to keep us going. We had to keep on. Keep searching for a safe place to lay our heads. Just for a little while. I tried my hardest not to give up. I had to push on. Especially through the worse days. The days when I was so thirsty, hungry and exhausted. When it hurt to move. To breathe. I dreaded my own reflection. Thankfully, there hadn't been many times I had to see my pathetic self staring back at me. I didn't want to self loathe. I had to remain strong. Even if it was a lie, I had to keep up my persona. I got better at shooting. Got better with my blades. I don't even know how many days had passed since we left the cottage. But we had managed to gather some rain water. Not a lot, but enough. It will have to do. It had rained for a little while and that helped. The drops against my thirsty skin felt like an orgasm. Like what heaven would fee like. I looked up to the crying sky and smiled. Opened my mouth to drink what little I could manage on my tongue. Daryl did the same. Only he didn't smile. I guess I allowed myself to falsify moments of happiness. But Daryl knew the truth. He wasn't as naive as me. I guess in all the bullshit, I figured if I am going to be alive I might as well find a way to laugh. Or else what the fuck is the point? If it wasn't for Daryl, I might have put a bullet in my head a while ago. But he saved my life. And I owe him to stay breathing.

"Got a good feeling about this" I say between breaths as we continue to walk through the woods. "For real, we're gonna find something this way. Not too far now"

Daryl walked beside me, his crossbow over his shoulder. His wet hair shagged over his eyes. We were both drenched in sweat. Tired and delirious. My long dark hair up in a sad messy pony. I had given up on re-doing it to keep the stray hairs off my face. Fuck it. My feet ached so much that I didn't even feel it anymore. It was the new normal. The strap of my tank top fell and drooped over my arm. The pores of my inked skin beading with sweat. I had gotten so used to feeling smelly and uncomfortable, it hadn't bothered me as much as when this first started.

I felt if I put the energy and words out into the universe, maybe it would happen. I had always been a believer in energy. I had always been real good at that. Daryl said nothing as we walked and walked. It had been surprisingly quiet today. Not too many dead things to re-kill.. We were on autopilot. And then there she was in all her glory. A small stream.

"Daryl. I need to take a dip. Or at least splash myself" I almost shed a tear when I saw the water. Water was my safe place. To watch the waves and listen. Feel it on my skin. I felt connected with the water. Especially the ocean. But this would have to do.

Daryl stopped walking and looked at me. Don't be an asshole, Dixon.

He pulled out a cigarette and a match. "Go on then" He leaned against a tree and sunk to the ground. Taking a seat and having a smoke.

"Fuckin' A" I felt a burst of energy out of nowhere and began to unbutton my skinnies, literally peeling them off. My bare skin, breathing, as I get ahead of myself and trip over my boots. "Goddammit!" I scold myself. I look over at Daryl in his own world. Smoking and oblivious. "Hey you.." I kick my boots and pants to the side. Right near my backpack "You comin'?"

"The hell you doin'?!" Daryl puts his hand out to shield his vision "Don't do that" he tilts his head to look away. Visibly upset at my lack of clothing.

I shake my head and head towards the water to dip my feet in. Oh yes.. My skin bumps with millions of tiny goose pimples. I cup water into my hands and splash some on my face. Oh my face. I instantly feel rejuvenated and I never want this moment to end. I look over at Daryl and he is doing everything in his power not to look at me. I know he would forget this shit world if he would just splash some of this life on his face. "Daryl.."

"I ain't takin' my fuckin' pants down!" He barks.

"You don't have to! Just come feel this water. It's amazing right now.." I couldn't help but submerge myself entirely. Shirt, undergarments.. It wasn't exactly a shower but I could float here forever. And for a moment, I was at peace. If I never felt this good again, at least I had this moment.

The water was not too deep at all, but for my small stature, it was perfect. I closed my eyes, just for a few seconds to let go. The water on my scalp completely cooled my entire body. It brought me back to Summer days at the beach. Floating about and letting the waves rock me. Just a tiny speck in the middle of the world. Where none of my bullshit mattered. And I was a part of the ocean. Something bigger and more beautiful than I could ever be. I opened my eyes to see Daryl crouched at the edge of the water. He couldn't look at me, as he grazed the surface with his hand. Testing the temperature. I watched Daryl cup a handful of water and splash his face. And another to splash his hair. He washed the dirt from his face and I swear I saw him for the first time. The dark, brooding man I survived with.. He looked angelic. Innocent. Beautiful. I watched him splash some more water on his face. And his arms. His chest. In my mind, he felt what I felt. A nice cool breath of life. Even if it only lasted a minute.

Daryl didn't say anything. He didn't yell at me to hurry up. He got up and walked back over to the tree and sat. He took out another cigarette and just played with it between his fingers. I found myself staring at him. More than I did anything else. I studied him. Noticing something new every day. There was something about him. And he was an ass but so was I. I could handle him. And maybe it was all in my head. Maybe I created some sort of comradery in my mind that really didn't exist. Daryl was great at everything. Hunting, fighting, surviving. Keeping us safe. But he was oblivious to everything else. I admired him and he'd never know it. Even if I told him.

As much as I didn't want to leave the water, I knew we had to keep on. I slowly, carefully made my way back to the grassy Earth. You would never know the devastation and fuckery in this shitty world from just looking around. Not here. I took a deep breath and pulled a dirty shirt from my bag to dry off a little. I looked over at Daryl, looking down at his cigarette. I slipped my panties down around my ankles and quickly put my pants on. Pulling the damp pants over my wet skin as fast as I could. Even though I knew Daryl would never look over at me. Once dressed, I grabbed my things and walked over to my silent friend.

"Wanna stop wastin' time, Dixon?" I smirked "Let's keep going"

Daryl squinted up at me and shook his head. "Got them pants back on, I see" he stood up. Grabbing his crossbow, he slipped his cigarette into his pocket.

I followed Daryl back down the original path we had been walking. For who knows how long. Where we would end up, I have no clue. But for the first time since I lost everything. Since my brother died. For the first time since I can even remember, I felt something. Maybe hope. Maybe...

We continued on our path and were just about to set up a place to sleep for the night when we saw it. A cabin in the woods. We had just enough daylight left to clear it and get ourselves together. Daryl gently grabbed my arm, taking me aback. He didn't speak but he looked at me and nodded. We would tread lightly. Just in case. I knew he meant to get ready. I gripped my guns as Daryl aimed his crossbow. Ready to do what we had to do to survive.


	7. Intangible..

Poor little kids never had a chance. Pictures of happier times and smiling faces strewn about the cabin walls. Photographs of when they were first born. A boy and a girl. Just a few years apart. Kinda like my brother and me. Born to smiling parents. A tall blonde woman. Average looks. And her happy-go-lucky redneck looking husband. I heard Daryl, shuffling about in the kitchen. Opening the cabinets in hopes of finding some food. Something that could hold us off until morning. A feeling of sadness came over me as I made my way up the stairs to the bedrooms. Unless this family fled, they were still here. And most likely not alive. I slowly moved to the childrens room, where the door was closed. I could tell the young ones slept here because of the poorly taped artwork. Colorful crayon stick people. Houses and trees. Birds or what looked like birds, anyway. I placed my ear to the door. Silent. But one could never be too certain. I turned the doorknob and pushed the door open, guns aimed. The decayed bodies of two small humans lay together on the bottom bunk. Their brains blown out. The smell was putrid, and unfortunately all too familiar. Emotions weren't necessary now. I took a deep breath and continued to walk the perimeter of the room, making sure there was no boogie man lurking in the closet. Clear.

I repeated the steps when I reached the parents' room. Thrusting the door open, aimed and ready. Ready to take out whoever, whatever was in front of me. Silent. Nothing. An untouched room. No blood. No dead. Hmmm.. I had imagined, I would find the smiling blonde and her redneck. Not necessarily breathing. But nothing. I walked about the room, opening the closet doors. No bodies. But fresh clean clothing. Sorta. As fresh as clothing could be sitting in a closet for who knows how long. I lowered my weapons and tore through the threads. Not exactly my style, or my size, but fuck it. Better than nothing. I pulled a few decent looking items from the closet. Grabbing stuff for Daryl too. Just in case.

Heading down the stairs, I see Daryl appear at the bottom. "Found 'em in the basement"

"Kids in their room. Gone." I nonchalantly say. This was the world now. Shit happens.

Daryl nodded. "Check this out" He motioned for me to follow him into the kitchen. He swung open the cabinet doors. Cans. Food. Shit food, but food. My lips curled into a toothy grin. This was good.

I held up the clothes tucked in my arm, "Look at this shit.. new clothes!.. Well.. Kinda"

Daryl didn't seem too enthused with my findings. I held up a flannel shirt and held it out for him to grab. He looked at it, pulling a seat at the kitchen table. Ignoring my gesture like I knew he would. I draped the clothing over the back of a chair and sat at the table. Daryl placed his crossbow down beside him. He was exhausted. Relieved. But only slightly. He lowered his head a little, his elbows resting on the table. My eyes looked him over, intently. What was going on in that head of yours, Dixon? All the words that never reached your lips..

"Hey.." I calmy spoke. Almost a whisper. "We could stay here... for a little while.."

"Mmhhmm" he mumbled. I'll take it. Any piece of acknowledgment from my dark fake friend.

 

\----------------------------------------------------

 

We did our best to board the remaining windows on the lower floor of the cabin. Our ill fated family had started the process, leaving a few pieces of wood behind for us to finish. I can understand how death would seem like the better option. Daryl and I did the best we could with what we had. It would do. I scavenged the apartment for more candles. Looks like they had already burned a few. Dried strings of melted wax dripped down the sides of the candle holder and onto the coffee table. I cupped the new candles in my arms and set them up where the others had burned off. We would sleep downstairs. Just in case. Daryl found some blankets and pillows in the bedroom and brought them down.

By now, I had changed out of my ratty clothes into a soft pair of house pants and a tank. They surprisingly fit ok. Aside from the longer length.. I spent some time in the bathroom, alone, looking at my reflection. A stranger staring back at me. Her face was sunken. Tanned skin. A few freckles. She had seen unimaginable things and it showed. Her eyes harbored so much pain. Sadness. Who was this girl? Thin, frail. Her long dark brown tresses, matted and all over the place. I ran my hands over my body. Tracing my curves. At least I still had an ass. Hips. I didn't feel like myself anymore. My old self. She died with my family. Everyone I knew and everything I had ever known wasn't anymore. It was only me now. For the first time, I looked at the person in front of me and saw a strong woman. Someone who, despite all the horrible things, could still be alive in this world. Could adapt to this chaos better than she could adapt to a fucking desk job. Could possibly find herself. I took my right hand and slid it up my back, under my tank to unhinge my bra. Thank all that is holy. There is nothing like that feeling. A part of me wasn't sure if getting so comfortable was a smart idea.. But fuck it, I would take the chance. My small chest hung free under the soft cotton of my borrowed tank top. I cupped them in both hands for a moment before taking my hair down. I picked up the hairbrush from the basket that sat atop the shelf on the wall above the toilet. It took some time, but I brushed out the knots.

Daryl was in the kitchen, opening a few cans of whatever the fuck. I borrowed some slippers and tip toed down the stairs. It truly was a bad ass cabin. For a second I imagined this as my home. Like, my home in real life. No dead walking. No savages killing whoever stood in their way of survival. But my real home. I would live here and be the baddest bitch this side of West Bumblefuck. I slowly walked into the kitchen where Daryl worked on dinner. If that's what you want to call it. His leather angel wing vest hanging over the chair right over the shirt I gave him. His back to me, he wore a dark gray sleeveless shirt. His pants, dirty and scuffed. Holes and.. dried blood stains. He still had his boots on. I stood behind him, watching him.. And I know he knew I was there. His shoulders and back were strong and wide. His arms, muscular. Damn. How did I not notice before? His ears poked through his long shaggy hair. I always had a thing for ears. I didn't notice I was smiling until Daryl turned around. He had 2 plates of..well.. whatever in his hands.

"What?" he grunted.

I felt my cheeks get hot, snapping my stupid ass back to reality. "Nothing.." What. The. Fuck. Was. I. Doing?

Daryl placed the plates on the table and from what I could see it looked like chunky dogshit. Some old baked beans mixed with what looked and smelled like rank tuna. Daryl grabbed a half drank 2 liter bottle of soda and 2 dirty cups. Yummy. He poured himself and me a glass of the hot flat ginger ale. I grabbed the glass and inhaled it. So fucking thirsty. Chewing, Daryl stared at me. He kindly poured me some more.

As i continued to fabricate my relationship with Daryl, I imagined this was our first date. Awkwardly sitting in silence making faces while we ate because we couldn't actually tell if we were enjoying ourselves or if we were just too damn starved to give a shit. Daryl was not too good at eye contact. Me, always trying to make small talk and staring at him. Always looking right into his face in hopes he would look back. I wasn't too sure of what I was trying to accomplish by silently stalking this man. I was even less sure of what I was feeling. Why I was internally acting like a little girl. I didn't really know him. And he had no idea who the hell I was. I can tell he wasn't sexually driven. Unlike all of the other assholes I came across, he hadn't once made a pass at me. Shit, he barely looked at me. He could care less if I was standing here naked with my legs spread begging for it. He was a good guy. A sweet humble soul. I had always formed crushes on men and women that I knew I could never have. A defense mechanism. Intangible, but I could make it feel real in my mind. And it was all I really ever needed. I never actually cared for anyone. I mean, in a romantic way. I've had fuck buddies, but that was that. And I would always end up feeling a million times more empty afterwards. I never even had decent sex. It was just... Like I wasn't even there. The shame was the worst... And here I am now.. Confused. Feeling something.

We ate in silence. Just the sounds of us chewing and swallowing. 2 candles lit in the center of the table as the sun set. A first date setting.

"I like your vest." I said against my better judgement.

Daryl looked up from his dog shit and looked me up and down "You wearin' bunny slippers?"

I laughed. I needed to keep the conversation going.. Say something else, Chase.. "Not exactly... But my feet feel pretty nice. You know, there are more clothes in the closet. I can pick you out a nice outfit"

"I thought you liked my vest.."

"I do.." I nodded, sipping my disgusting flat liquid. Change the subject, Chase.. "I'm from New York City. This is way different in these woods..."

"You ain't definitely from around here... Not with them crazy tattoos" Daryl's voice was a bit softer now. Not as angry as usual.

"I'm sure people in the south have tattoos too, dude." I sit back and cross my colorful arms across my chest. He can say whatever he wants about me or my ink.. as long as he is saying it to me..

"I ain't never seen no girl with tattoos like you got" Daryl drank some more.

I rubbed my hands across my colorful skin "You like 'em?"

Daryl squinted his eyes and looked at my arms. He shrugged, looking down. Shit. I lost him..

"How old are you?" I asked. I can see that he had some gray coming in on his chin. I can tell he was older than me but maybe not by too much. I had started to gray too. A few, but I noticed them. I used to dye my hair so I could pretend I was still 21.. It typically worked. I looked younger than I was. Good genes, I guess. It must be the Latina in me.

My silent friend sat back in his chair. His hair over his eyes. He either didn't care to answer or didn't know. It was easy to lose count of the days.. The years.. I couldn't tell you how many birthdays had passed. I don't even know how long it's been.

"Last time I checked, I was 30" I said, so full off of the little I had eaten. When you don't get to eat as often, you get used to it.

Daryl placed his left hand over his right shoulder. He squirmed in his seat a bit. "It don't really matter no more.. You're alive. That's what matters now"

He was right. It wasn't a measure of years anymore.. It was days now. Hours. We would take it one day at a time and keep ourselves alive. Age meant as little as nothing if you couldn't hold your own. Youth could be the death of you if you weren't conditioned. Smart. Adaptable. Daryl was all of that. I was already learning so much from him.

We sat in a bit of silence as we finished eating and I sincerely didn't mind Daryls distance. He had spoken, and although it wasn't much, it was something. And that was good enough for me. I felt as comfortable as my situation would allow me to. A full belly and the freedom of being able to go braless for the night helped me relax a little. I snuggled up on the couch with a pillow and small blanket. Although it wasn't the coolest of nights, I couldn't pass up the security of a blanket. It had been so long. Daryl curled up onto the love seat sofa. I offered to take the smaller accommodation, but he refused. A true fucking gentleman. But he would never believe it so. Even if I told him. I had a feeling we might get some much needed rest tonight. My mysterious comrad leaned over and blew out the candles, "Sleep. I'll take first watch" he said.

"Ok... Wake me in a few.. so you can sleep." My voice breathy and my eyes heavy. Sleep was coming and I couldn't fight it.


	8. The Sun Still Sleeps..

Everything you ever thought was important..Authentic.. just isn't. Never was. It's incredible how raw life becomes when you're forced to live. There's no more 'killing time'. Wasting away in front of the television.. Computer.. For fucking hours. Mommy and daddy taking care of you. Excuses. The world before? Bullshit. None of it was real. None of it. We've been lied to all this time. All these years. Controlled and brainwashed. For me, the disconnect was the only truth. The underlying feeling that something was not quite right. The rebellious disobedience that set me apart from the rest of the mindless fucks, running around in their monkey suits, being told what to wear, say, do.. How to feel.. How not to feel.. I knew more than I could understand, then. I guess I was so much closer than I thought. Going against the grain, all the while ridiculed and outcasted. Dictators feeding us the illusion of freedom. The fucking 'Merican dream. And now? Well... We live. Because we have to. Because just plain old breathing is all that we have. Because we didn't come this far to let them win. Because it's people like us that were meant for this world.. Because it could be so damn beautiful to live..

 

The days were long. Nights longer. It had rained for a few sleeps now, keeping us inside the cabin for shelter. For the most part. I did my best to wash up during the downpours. Natures shower. Borrowing my dead friends lady shaver, I shamelessly groom myself outside. The raindrops against my dehydrated skin. Daytime turned dark as the storm rolled on, hiding me in it's beautiful gloom. Thank you. So much. I rubbed the soap against my parts. A sense of freedom coming over me as I succumbed to the comfort of one of the simple things taken for granted in our former world. My bare feet squishing the soft soaked Earth beneath them. Blades of grass tickling my toes and sticking to them. I ran my hands over my wet nude body, shivering under the weeping sky. Opening my mouth to take a drink. The rain was cold and the sun hadn't come out much since it started. To be honest, I really didn't care. Those Summer beach days were long gone.

Almost instinctively, my eyes roamed to the right. "Shit.." I mumbled as a lone corpse dragged it's half skinless body towards me. Stumbling, I slipped on the wet grass, falling to my knees. Completely naked. I gripped my knife up off the cold wet ground in front of me and walked toward the dead. It was just me and him. The cool drops drenching me, my hair stuck to my face. My back. The goose bumps invading my skin reminding me that I was still real. Still alive. Holding my blade in my right hand, I stood still now. Allowing the dead to move in closer. I took a deep breath, water down my face. Ok. Now I'm ready. I lunged toward the slippery rotter and jammed the cold blade through it's head. Calmly watching as it's lifeless weight crumbled to the ground at my feet. "Asshole." I shake my head and make my way back toward the cabin. I had been out here long enough.

 

Running up to the porch, I quickly grab the half dry towel and wrap it around myself. Opening the front door, I hurry inside where I strategically left more towels. The cabin was dark. Gray as the outside world. I sigh and shiver. Scooping the softness into my arms I dry my hair first.. then the rest of me. I wrap myself and make my way across the living room. Up the stairs and towards our ill fated couples untouched bedroom. The outline of a body lay across the bed. Daryl. His chest rising and falling in silent slumber. I did my best not to wake him, but men like Daryl sleep with one eye open. Shifting my weight, the floorboard squeaks. He jumps up and looks around. Quickly figuring out where he is, he looks over at me, "I knocked out.. Didn't mean to"

I clutch my towel, "Please. Sleep. You're exhausted" I slowly walk over to my clothes folded on the dresser "Just grabbing these.."

Daryl watches me grab the pile, sitting up on the bed. Still fully clothed. Shoes still on. I pause, walking back towards the door "Hey.." I calmly speak "Why don't you take a poor mans shower.. You'll feel fucking amazing."

"You mean get asshole naked out in the rain like I ain't got no damn sense?" He scoffs "Ain't happenin' "

I smirk "Don't you wanna clean up? Lord only knows the last time you peeled those shoes off. Feels good"

He sits on the edge of the bed, playing with his hands. By now my silent friend entertained the idea of sharing words with me.. sometimes. He let out a mumble. From what I could hear, no actual words were intended.

"Come on, Daryl.." I plead, bringing the clothing in my arms tight against my chest "Before the rain stops."

"I ain't gonna be out there with my damn ass hangin' out! Just forget it!" He barked.

"Dude, everyone's dead." I coldly laugh "No one is looking at your ass. What are you afraid of?"

"I ain't 'fraid of nothin'." He grunted.

I sighed. "I know.." I reassured him. Because he wasn't afraid of anything. I knew that. "I just wish things could be less serious sometimes.. Like, loosen the fuck up and let's try and make light of the goddamn end of the world. What else we got to do today?"

Daryl paused. He looked at me and let out a laugh. A genuine laugh.. "Yeah but your idea of loosenin' up is fuckin' weird as hell. Naked, rain dancin' and shit. Pants always off."

I burst into laughter, blushing, as we share an actual laugh. My serious, brooding friend. I felt a natural high through my veins. It felt good to share a moment with someone again. A moment to take us away from what was lurking out in the end times. Even if it only lasted 30 seconds.

"I won't try and force you to partake in my weird naked rain dancing, Dixon." I smile "But I will encourage you to just say fuck it and take a goddamn shower."

Daryl sighs. His face back to serious. He shakes his head and nervously runs his hands over his lap. He sighs again. "Fuck." He stands up and paces uncomfortably for all of 10 seconds before pointing at me "Ok but you stay your crazy ass up here! And I ain't playin'!"

My eyes widen and a grin takes over my face. I nod "Towel and soap are downstairs by the door. So's my blade.. Don't mind the corpse on the lawn.. Caught him looking"

He shakes his head and walks out of the room. His footsteps down the stairs mingle with the sound of the rain against the roof. The window panes. This man that I lived with. Survived with. I wish I could explain how he made me feel. How much life he forced me to live without ever knowing it. Without any control over it. Without even trying. Time measured a different pace now. In the sense that maybe it just hadn't ever even existed at all. Another lie we were taught at an early age. We just are. In the moment. I heard the front door open and shut as I imagined what Daryl looked like naked. Outside in the gray of the afternoon. The rain drenching his thirsty skin. I want him to feel what I felt. Goose bumps covering every inch of his toned body. Reminding him that he is real. He is alive. He is beautiful.


	9. Cheers, Sunshine..

We are human. Flesh and Blood. And bone. Organic matter. We walk and talk and think and feel things. What happens to us when we die? Well.. we still walk around. Re-animated. Soulless. Worse ending than lying in a wooden box 6 feet under. Mauled and eaten by decomposition.. and worms and shit. The circle of life. We die, come back and die again. Just another stage in human evolution. In life, mindless zombies. No regard for anything but themselves. Destruction and misery. And in death, the same. I guess we had become way too boring. And God enjoyed pointing and laughing at us. I would succeed at suicide, and still walk around like an idiot. Sick cruel joke. They sure weren't ready for all this shit down in forensics..

The rain had stopped as darkness swallowed us. Maybe tomorrow we would see the sun. It had been days since I felt it's warmth on my skin. But I didn't mind. I didn't mind being stuck in this cabin.. clean and safe. And I hated to admit it.. but most of all I didn't mind being stuck in this cabin with Daryl. I lit candles in the living room as he rummaged through the cabinets in search of tonight's meal. As our falsified relationship continued in my head, he asked me what I wanted for dinner.. to which I replied 'surprise me'..My imagination ran wild.. I placed my hands to my hips after pulling my hair into a large dark top knot. I stood in her loose fitting tank and lounge pants. My dead friends clothes were comfy. And greatly appreciated.

There, right next to the front door, were his shoes. His crossbow leaned against the wall. His angel wing vest atop the small table to the right. Could he be slowly letting his guard down? Could he tell that I meant no harm? Just a passenger on this ride.. just like him. I sat on the couch and pulled my knees to my chest. Took a deep breath in. Then out. My racing thoughts interrupted by the sound of his voice..

"Pretend it's a steak or somethin' " He stood in front of me holding a plate. Army green sleeveless shirt. Borrowed pair of plaid drawstring lounge pants. His tousled hair was still damp. So handsome.

"Thank you" I hold my hands out in acceptance. I hadn't realized it, but I sure was hungry.

Daryl sat at the opposite end of the couch. Plate in his lap, he immediately dug in. Shifting my body to face him, I crossed my legs under me. I placed the plate on my lap, picking up the fork and scooping the canned goods into my mouth like a savage.

With a mouthful of 'pretend steak or somethin' ', he spoke "There's a surprise in there"

I forked around the vomit of baked beans and found what appeared to be pork rinds. "Fucking pork rinds?! Oh my God, seriously?!" my face lit up. Easily, this could be the best day of my life.

"Mmmhhmm" He nodded, keeping his eyes glued to his quickly disappearing grub.

I grabbed up the hard rinds and crunched them between my teeth. Tastes like home. How could he know how much I loved these fucking things? Of course he didn't know. But the stars had aligned somehow when he found this hidden gem "Are there more?" I smiled, talking between the loud crunching sounds.

He placed his plate on the table and disappeared into the kitchen. Returning with a half bag of pork rinds and tossed them at me. I clumsily caught them, my elbow hitting the fork off my plate and flipping it across the room. Sending a few stray beans flying.

Daryl shakes his head and sits down. Resuming his meal. I open the bag and pour them onto my plate. "Here, take some" I offer, holding my plate out to him. He looks at me. Our eyes meet for only seconds, yet to me it's like slow motion. Drawn out but not long enough. With the dirt cleaned from his face, his complexion was beautiful. The candle light bouncing off of his piercing blue eyes like laser beams straight through my soul. With that one look, I lost my breath. I lost my mind. I felt my heart begin to race and my face burn hot. Still staring a hole through me, he scoops a few into his hand and brings them to his lips, crunching down on them. He turns away, breaking our gaze. Allowing me to catch my breath. What the hell was I doing? What did I really think could ever happen between us? I mean.. is that what I thought? My mind raced against the speed of my heart. Beating right out of my chest. I felt myself begin to sweat. How could I allow myself to be so crazy? Snapping back to reality, I pulled the plate onto my lap and crunched another rind.

"I'm gonna get the water.." I jumped up and hurried to the kitchen. We had gathered water to drink from the days of rain. Empty soda bottles. I poured 2 glasses full and took a deep breath. I never let myself act like this. So why would I start now? I was not one of those girls. I was incapable of feeling things. I never felt things. Not in reality, anyway. I was a dreamer. And it was ok. Just my fake world. In my head. My fake relationships. The ones I can't actually touch. The ones who can't hurt me. Can't get too close. The ones I could erase.. I pushed it aside and walked into the living room holding the glasses. I handed one to Daryl and sat at the other end of the couch. Curling up, drinking the cool water. Feeling the sensation down my throat and into my stomach. Swearing I could feel the nourishment soaking into my bloodstream.

"We could stay here" He chugs his water "For a little while"

I smile "We could." I want to. For as long as possible. "How long you think the food will last?"

"A good 2 weeks. maybe.." He downs the rest of his water "I'll get us more. Plenty of food runnin' 'round in them woods"

I take a drink. Holding my glass up "I kinda wish this was vodka"

"Hmmm.. gotta be a stash somewhere.." Daryl stands and begins to look around. Opening drawers and double checking the places we cleared.

"Absolutely nothing in the kitchen?"

"Nah.. These two.. They ain't look like the type to display it. They hide their shit"

"Bedroom" my eyes widen and I run up the stairs. Daryl follows me and soon we are tearing the place apart. The closets where I found the clothing. I hadn't thought to search for much else. As I pushed the garments from side to side and bent down opening shoe boxes full of sewing string and yarn. Pictures and artwork. A slight sadness came over me. They seemed like nice people.

"Boom!" Daryl exclaimed "Told ya!"

A box. Under the bed. This could be the best day ever. I ran over to Daryl, handing me a bottle of cheap vodka. The below the bottom shelf kind. He held onto a bottle of Old Heaven Hill. It was dark in the bedroom. A little too dark. "Stay here" I said handing him the vodka. I made my way down the stairs to grab our water glasses. I grabbed 2 candles and blew out the others. I almost tripped up the stairs, gripping the lit candles tight. Daryl had made himself at home on the bed. His back against the headboard. The bottle already to his lips. A grin across my face as I set the candles down on the dresser. Dim light filling the room. I hand Daryl a glass and he shakes his head "Don't need it" He takes another swig of whiskey, holding the vodka bottle up.

A toothy smile on my face as I hold the bottle in my hand. "How I've missed you.." I say as I unscrew the cap, pouring the clear liquid into my glass. I sit on the edge of the bed and hold the glass high "Cheers, my friend."

And we drink. The minute the liquid burns the back of my throat, my old demons linger above my head. My drunk ass father.. Those nights when I didn't come home. Those days I don't remember because I was too drunk to feel. The mistakes. Nothing mattered when I drank. My closest friend and worst enemy. My Judas. Another please, Mr. Bartender..

Daryl lights a cigarette. Grabbing the bottle of vodka and topping me off. He offers me a smoke. Why not.. I grab a cigarette between my lips and allow him to light it up. Taking a pull and exhaling. My skin is on fire as I feel the burn of the liquid raging through my veins. "Let's not give a shit tonight. About anything." I say as I set the glass between my legs. Cigarette hanging from my mouth, I take my arms up to let my long dark wavy hair down.

Daryl shrugs before taking another chug. "Nothin' much to give a shit about anyway"

"Well.." I drink, using the Daryl's reject glass as an ashtray "There ya go." I hop further onto the bed and face Daryl, crossing my legs. "What did you give a shit about before all this?"

"What does it matter?" He drinks.

"I wanna know.. Who you were" I take a pull "Who you are"

"I was nothin'.." He drinks "And I ain't nothin' now."

I bring the glass to my thirsty lips, feeling the liquid courage collect in the pit of my stomach. I focused my attention on Daryl. The way his lips moved when he spoke. The sound of his voice. Raspy and tough.. yet innocent. The way his ears poked through his messy hair. His icy blue eyes. He was definitely something. "I hated myself before this.." I drink "I hate myself now"

I feel his eyes on me as he takes another swig. The smell of whiskey and cigarettes dance around my senses. I imagine that's just what he tastes like..

"It don't matter no more, Chase.. I told you.. We ain't gotta sit around and hate ourselves for the assholes we used to be." He takes a pull and exhales "It don't matter. You ain't that person no more. So fuck it"

Swallowing the burning vodka, I wipe the little that escaped from the corner of my lips "And you are definitely more than nothing, Dixon."

A hint of a half smile across my serious friends face.. "You already lit up huh?"

I laugh, putting out my half cigarette. "Here save this.."

He takes the smoke and places it inside the pack before taking another chug of his whiskey. "I used to drink this cheap shit all the time. It ain't even a glass bottle..It's fuckin' plastic" he laughs.

"If we ever make it outta this nightmare... If we make it.." I drink, swallowing hard "I'll get you a glass bottle. Top shelf.."

Daryl nods, holding onto that half smile. "Alright"

"We can do whatever we want, Daryl. We can be whoever we wanna be. Starting right now"

He extends the plastic bottle out to me and I excitedly tap my glass "Cheers, Sunshine.."

We drink. And we laugh. I can tell that he's feeling the magic of that Old Heaven Hill. Just as I'm feeling this floor level vodka. He was so much more than nothing. He was so much more than something. I found myself engrossed in him. His mannerisms. His crooked smile. The end of the world as we know it, and in the midst of all the death and chaos, I was having the time of my life with this amazing person. The irony of it all. I wasn't the type to fall in love. But neither was he.. We had both been through so much. But if it wasn't for all the loss and terrible things, we would have never found each other. Daryl was the most fascinating, complex person I had ever met. And the more time I spent with him, the more of him I craved. In every way. The alcohol worked it's way to my fingertips and toes. I felt lighter and even more elated. I had said it myself.. and I wouldn't give a shit tonight. I would allow myself to feel.


	10. Off The Summers Edge And Drown Me..

When your dream world is better than reality, you want to sleep forever. When you'd rather live in your nightmares than your own run down apartment, the real tragedy was waking up. I used to sleep for days at a time. If I couldn't drink them away, I'd sleep. The pills helped to induce euphoria while my eyes grew heavy. A smile on my face as I surrender myself completely. Waking up on the floor, under the table. The chair on its side and next to it, the empty bottle. A pool of liquor soaked carpet. How many days had passed? How many collective hours of my short life have I lost this way? Lost in a dream. The simple things.. 'normal' things.. they were hard for me. But the pills and the booze made it better. Most of my adult life, self medicated. Forced social interactions to blend in. To appear normal on the outside so I can have my dream world all to myself. What I gave a shit about before all this? Nothing. I loved my family but not enough to let them in. Not enough to stick around. I had never truly loved another human being. Never possessed the gift of holding onto anyone longer than a meaningless sex filled night. Pretending for a few hours was enough for me. Until I needed my next fix. How could I care at all for someone else when I couldn't care for myself? I was meant to be alone. And that was quite alright. When God created us morons, it was the luck of the draw the way you would turn out. I guess I got the ass end of the stick. But it could have been worse. I accepted the fact that I would never fit in. Never connect with anyone. Always be awkward and medicated. I accepted the fact that I would die alone.

The sunlight threatened to pry my eyes open. Invading my sleep. I hadn't dreamed this time.. and I struggled to recollect what happened last night as I painfully open my eyes, squinting into the bright light. I throw my hand over my face as I slowly pull myself up. Disoriented and so thirsty, I rub my eyes. The familiar aftermath of binge drinking..my dear old frienemy. He sat on the floor, his back against the wall. Away from the beaming sunlight through the window. Silent and still. His eyes glued to me. Had he been watching me this whole time? Watching me knocked out and drooling into the soft pillow? A sense of insecurity immediately takes over.

"Hey.." He speaks in a gritty whisper. His clothes. He had changed back into his worn tattered pants. His sleeveless shirt under his vest. Back into his ratty shoes. His crossbow leaned against the wall next to him. The smile that crept across his face last night.. Induced by shitty whiskey and inhibitions.. it was gone.

I collect myself, pushing the hair from my face. I sit up and hugged my knees to my chest "Hi." I say, my voice cracked and my mouth like cotton. Daryl nods and I understand. He motions for me to look over at the night stand to see a glass of water. 2 pills next to it. Aspirin. Daryl Dixon, if angels were real, you would be my favorite. I cup the pills and quickly toss them back with water.. I chug. So fucking thirsty.. "Oh that's so good.." I inhale the whole glass like an animal. And I swear I instantly felt better. The placebo effect. "Thank you"

I take a moment to think about last night. About what I could remember. Did we..? My cheeks blush pink.. We couldn't have.. I would definitely remember. I would make absolute sure of it. I was fully clothed and didn't feel sore or any different between my thighs. I would know if I had.. it had been a very long time. Drinking in bed with a guy.. or girl.. would usually end in sex. Then shame and guilt. Emptiness. Did he sleep next to me? The sheets were bunched. Pillows indented.

"Got us dinner" He mumbled "Rabbit"

"Geez.. I guess I was passed out cold.." I pause then look over at him "I didn't feel you get up"

Daryl sits with his arms outstretched, resting on his bent knees. He is fiddling with a piece of bright yellow yarn that must have fallen out of one of the boxes. Looking at his hands, he clears his throat "I don't do so good with sleepin'.. Never did"

"I had a great time last night" I blurt. "It was nice to escape from the bullshit for a little while"

"I'm surprised you can even sit up.. drank more than half that bottle.."

I crossed my arms in front of me, rubbing my arms "I'm sorry... I..."

"Sorry? Don't be.." He looked up at me then returned his gaze to the bright string between his fingers "I was right there with you... maybe not as wasted.. but yeah..." He paused. "I like drinkin' with you.."

Butterflies danced around in my guts and I couldn't take my eyes off of him now. Silently screaming and pleading for him to look at me again. Just look at me.. "I like drinking with you too.."

My mind floats off into another dimension.. Imagining meeting Daryl at the local watering hole for a few drinks.. shots.. I would play some music on the jukebox and we would shoot some pool. I imagined he would wear a leather jacket, cigarette sitting perfectly between his lips. His eyes meeting mine. That sultry, sexy gaze. Devilish and oh so devious. I would hop on the back of his bike, hold on tight and beg him to take me back to his place... I close my eyes for a moment, snapping myself back to reality. The reality that there could never be such a scenario. I would be the idiot to find someone that I could actually fit in this world with, while that very world was burning away. My family was dead and gone. Everyone I knew, wiped out. I had fled to who knows where and spent who knows how long surviving. Fighting to survive when all I ever wanted was to die. And now, for the first time, I wanted life more than anything. Something inside of me was waking up. Something foreign and tingly. New, amazing.. terrifying..

"Used to be this bar I would go to.. me and my asshole brother, Merle.. right outside where we lived.. smelled like piss, but drinks were cheap. Used to get in when I was like, 19.. Ain't never checked my ID or nothin'. Most times I would have to babysit Merle cuz he would get too drunk and pick fights with the bartenders..." He paused "Well, he got too crazy one night and broke a bottle over this guys head.. Fuckin' Merle.. He got me jumped that night bein' all stupid.. got my ass kicked real good.. They threw us out and that was that. Ain't been back since... can't never go back now"

"Your brother.." I pause. "Did he make it?" Stupid question.. I probably should have never asked..

Daryl plays with the yarn.. His silence spoke a million words and I guess I already knew the answer before I asked.

"My brother's gone too... " I sigh. This time, tears don't build behind my big brown eyes. "I'm so sorry, Daryl"

"I'm sorry too.... for what happened to your brother.." His voice was solemn and sincere. He held so much inside, never ever allowing it to surface. Maybe it was best that way. Maybe we really could just wipe the slate clean and start over. We could both be someone else now.. completely negating our past. Because that was just what it was. The past.

"You're a good person, Daryl... I wish I met you sooner. Before the world went to shit." I smiled and caught his eyes. Those butterflies again.. "It would have been pretty fucking awesome"

Daryl nods, his lips curl into a tender smile..he blushes. And I die 100 times..

"Wanna go for a walk?" I suggest. "Haven't been out in the sun in a few days.. Maybe we could go back to that stream.. I promise to keep my clothes on" I wink.

He stands up, grabbing his crossbow "Alright" he walks toward the door, turning to look at me before he disappears, making his way down the stairs. I take a deep breath as the fluttering wings of my butterfly friends tickle my insides. Will this be how I will always feel around this man? I was definitely not used to feeling so vulnerable. So silly and eager. So.. mended together. None of it made sense.. My heart and my brain just.. mush. It was all happening so fast. I was.. something was just not the same. It was like.. everything I ever thought I was.. just wasn't. Going against everything I ever believed. I began to change into my own clothes. Pulling my skinnies on. My bra. My tank top. Daryl had placed one of my knives on the night stand. Just in case. I could never be as smart as he was. Always one step ahead. I walked down the stairs and armed myself. Strapping on my guns and blades. Daryl was out on the porch, smoking. I walked out, squinting from the bright early afternoon sun. He looks over at me, blowing the smoke away from my face. How could a man make a cancer stick look so damn sexy?

"Go on.." Daryl motioned, finishing his cigarette and tossing it "Ladies first."

A Southern gentleman. Without even trying. Without ever knowing. Even if I told him so. This city girl imagined tossing on a pair of daisy dukes, cowboy boots and a cowboy hat. She could have her man and they could ride off into the sunset.. I stepped down the stairs, nodding at my friend. A big cheesy smile. Daryl followed and we walked. This time slowly. Taking our time and taking in the day. Things like this just didn't happen anymore. When we first met, we didn't even walk at the same pace. He was always ahead of me and I had to take extra steps just to catch up. Annoying little thorn at his side. Running for our lives. But now.. we just walk. An illusion of normalcy. And I'd live and die in this moment either way.

"What's your favorite color?" I ask, placing my hands in my back pockets.

"Mmmm.. green maybe. Like.. army green" He grips the strap of his crossbow at his chest. "You?"

"Black. Gray.."

"Those aren't colors." He looks at me. "Try again"

"Hot pink" I smile. Our steps in unison. "Makes me feel like a rock star" we take a few steps in silence.

"You got a favorite song?" He asks.

"That's a tough question.. I got a lot of favorite songs" I think for a minute "Hmm if I had to pick the one song that I can never change when it starts to play... I would say... 'Like A Stone' by Audioslave. Not my favorite band though"

"Good song.." He nods.

"What about you?" Being on cloud 9 would be an understatement. Daryl was talking to me. And he was opening up.. He was just as innocent and nervous as he was strong and firm. He had the biggest heart in the world and could also be the biggest dick you'd ever met... I loved that about him.

Without hesitation, Daryl gloats " 'Simple Man' Lynyrd Skynyrd"

"I fucking love that song!" I jump in excitement. "Music is everything. Although we can't really listen to it anymore... I always got it on in my head. A song is always playing.. The soundtrack of my life"

"What's playin' right now?" He looks at me and we stop walking.

I turn to face him and cross my colorful arms across my chest. I feel my heart begin to beat just a little faster as I look at him looking at me " 'Standing On The Edge Of Summer'.. by Thursday." I blush.

He breaks eye contact and begins to walk again.. "I don't know that one"

I walk next to him "I'll play it for you sometime.. When we get out of this"

"Alright" He says.

A split second later, the dead find us. Just in time to ruin everything. Reminding us that we couldn't have this. Any of it. Bringing the harsh reality crashing down in front of us. Pulling us off of our cloud. Where we thought we were safe.. up there in the sky. But we could never be safe. Never. And they would find us. Wherever we escaped to.. They would find us.

"Get behind me!" Daryl orders.

"I got this!" I bark back, pulling my blades.

"No! Stay behind me!" He grabs my arm and spins me around, forcing me to get back. He takes his knife and takes one out. Almost simultaneously, pulling his crossbow at the others. I couldn't sit back and watch. There were more than one person should have to handle. Fuck this.

I run toward the two that threatened from the right. By killing these two, Daryl had control of the others. There were only a few now, and he could handle it. I take my blades to the rotting asshole's skull.. As it fell to the ground it tripped the other one into me, knocking me down. How could I be so stupid? I fought with the biting and the gnawing of it's teeth. It's dead weight limiting my movement.. I will not die here. Not like this.. An arrow pierced right through it's head. Silence.

"I told you to stay back! What the fuck were you thinkin'?" Daryl scolded. He pushed the dead off of me, pacing back and forth.

"I couldn't just sit back and watch! They were coming from all sides!" I jump to my feet. High on adrenaline.

"Yeah? Well I had to save you from gettin' your ass killed just now!" He yells.

I stand with my jaw on the floor "I can take care of myself, remember?" My tone lower. My voice deepens. I stare him down. Furious. Snapping myself right back into the real reason we were out here. All of that fluffy bullshit.. could never be any more than what the fuck it was. Absolutely nothing.

"Come on.. We goin' back" Daryl barks as he begins to walk back the way we came. Back toward the cabin. My blood boils as I watch him walk away. My hands on my hips, gritting my teeth. My chest rising and falling as my head begins to pound. I begin to follow him, but at my own damn pace. The angel wings on his back. The irony in it all. As he flew away from me. Again.

I need a fucking drink.


	11. When These Bones Decay..

He opened the front door and I pushed my way passed him. Knocking into him hard. I charged into the cabin and headed toward the stairs. I felt him behind me, a firm grip around my arm. He pulled me back and I could feel his rage setting fire to mine.. Spinning around I jerked my arm trying to break free. I pushed him.

"Don't you fucking touch me!" I scream, pushing him again, "Let me go!!!"

"The fucks your problem?" He yelled, "I saved your ass twice! TWICE!" He held two fingers in my face, grabbing onto my left arm again.

"I never asked you to! You did that on your own! Shoulda let me die!!" I pulled away from his grip, tears welling in my eyes "I'd be better off!" I banged my hands against the wall, ripping the framed photos down, sending them crashing to the floor. Glass breaking. Falling apart. I turn to Daryl "And you know what? So would you.. Better off dead.."

"That's bullshit!!!" He yells, matching my anger. Building inside of us both. Taking control and violently erupting. He knocked the chair over, causing me to jump from the sound. Loud, as it crashed against the floor. "That's bullshit, and you know it!!"

"Is it?!" I cry out "So what's this all for, huh? What the fuck is the point?"

A tear escapes, dripping down my face. I quickly wipe it away. I knew this would come. Nothing good could ever last. It could never be real. What the hell was I thinking? I can't exist here.. I just can't. The bad things always came back. They always infiltrated and destroyed. I had been born doomed. Nothing could ever change that. I could never make Daryl care about me. How could he? Two broken souls. We would be stupid to think we could exist here. Together. How could he ever hold me in his arms? I'd just slip away.. Fall away like I had since the moment I took my first breath.. I felt everything all at once. Like a million daggers. All at the same time. The anger and hurt I had been pushing deep down inside. All of the shit I held onto since the beginning. Since it all started.

Daryl's breaths grew shorter. Pacing as he did. Struggling with his own demons. His own thoughts. A million daggers. All at the same time. I don't think I meant what I said. Not about him. How could I possibly expect him to be there for me when he had his own madness? How could I expect that he care? My mind was racing, my head spinning. I began to sweat as I forgot to breathe. My heart threatened to beat straight out of my chest. I stared at Daryl as the air and tension grew thicker by the second.. asphyxiating us both.

"I can't do this right now..." I shake my head. The tears fall on their own as I scream "Any of this!! I'm done!"

I run up the stairs, into the bedroom. I grab the empty glass where I had drank the water just a while ago and threw it against the wall. Watching the pieces shatter, scattering. Knowing that they could never be put back together again. I could never be put back together again. They were all gone. All of them. My family..My friends.. Not one person on this Earth could be traced back to me. I was alone. Truly alone. And this was just what I deserved. How could I expect to have this end any different? I took everyone in my life for granted. They wanted to be there for me and I never let them. They loved me unconditionally and I couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle any of it so I ran. I always ran and I would be running forever. I was so sick of running..My death would mimic my own shitty life. How could it not? I was God's cruel joke.. Everyone was laughing at me. Always laughing at me. Well fuck them all..

I grabbed the bottle of vodka and began to chug. My throat burning as I self medicated. I would drown here. Just like I always had.. The streams of tears down my face turned to sobs and gasps for air. The sounds of hopelessness. Desperation. Shame. The sounds of sinking. Drowning. Dying. My hands began to shake as I brought the bottle to my lips for more. I pulled my knife from it's holster. The cool blade taunting me.. Blood thirsty. Promising freedom. All I ever wanted was to be free. I chugged more.. shaking and bringing the blade to my wrist. I closed my eyes. I needed it to hurt. The long drawn out suffering of a life undeserving.

"You gon' kill yourself?" Daryl's voice was lower now. His raspy whisper. "Just give up? Just like that?" I opened my eyes. My dark brooding friend. He stood in the doorway, his eyes fixed on the knife to my wrist.

"You don't know me.." I weep, my voice trembling "You don't know what I've been through.. The things I've done.. Had to do.. Even before all this!" I cry hysterical, the blade shaking in my grip "I am NOT a good person.. I am NOT a good person..And it's all my fault.."

Daryl places his hand on his head, uncomfortably.. His eyes are glassy and watery. "You think I am?" he steps closer, his voices grows angry "You think I'm proud of where I came from? The things I done?"

I look at him, the warmth of the alcohol invading my veins. Taking me away. I can feel you, Daryl. I can see the pain in your eyes. Your soul. I swallowed hard.

"I ain't never had nobody give a shit about me!" His voice cracks "I coulda ended it a long time ago.. but I didn't.. because that's the easy way out.." He points his finger in my face "That's lettin' every mother fucker who told you you weren't shit win.."

"I.. I am so tired of hating myself.." I cry out hysterical. "My family.. They're all dead and... I'm still fucking here.. It should be the other way around.. I should have.. I could have saved them.. and I didn't.. I never did.."

"But you survived! You're still here! Don't you get it? It's all we got now! It means somethin'! " His voice cracks. His blue eyes, glassy and locked onto mine. He pauses. Sighs "You wanna end it all... go on then.." He shakes his head "I ain't gonna stop you.."

I push the edge of the blade into my wrist. Feeling the sharp burning pain of the cold steel eager to spill my blood.

Tell me not to do it. Tell me I can't go. Tell me I can't leave you here alone. Tell me you need me. Tell me you feel it too.. That you can be the one save me. And I can be the one to save you.. That you don't love me just yet.. but you could.. and you will.. if I just stay.. Please don't leave..

Daryl looks at me. Nervous. Confused. Screaming in silence all of those words that will never reach his lips. I could hear them. I swear, I could hear them..

I hesitate, dragging the knife over my soft flesh. I draw blood. But just enough to feel. To remind myself of what it feels like to feel real. I fall to the ground. Curling into a fetal position, I let it out. Allowing the waves to crash into me and pull me under. Holding me under. My heart is broken. And it hurts more than any pain I've ever known. Stolen is my ability to breathe and to think. I clench my chest. Trying to scream but nothing comes out. I weep like a child. Gripping myself. The lump in my throat grows larger and my head hurts. I am paralyzed. I feel the warmth of a hand on my shoulder. Daryl. I swear... If angels existed... Daryl Dixon you would be my favorite.

I force my swollen, burning eyes open to look at him, on the floor with me now, he sits. Next to me. He doesn't say a word and he doesn't have to. I understand. I could see the tears welling behind his eyes. I desperately grab onto him. Wrapping my arms around him, burying myself into his chest. Gripping onto him for dear life. He hesitates to touch me. Seemingly as though he doesn't know how. I feel him shaking in my arms. My head against his chest, I feel his heart beating. I grip him tighter as a few tears stream down his face. If we completely surrendered. Completely. Would we truly be able to live again? Could we let go of the dark passenger that held onto us for all these years? Maybe we just needed to break completely to begin to piece ourselves together.


	12. Mr. Rabbit, by the fire..

We spend most of our lives trying to find out who we are. Over analyzing. Picking ourselves apart. We peel back the worn layers in hopes of finding something we didn't see coming. An excuse we tell ourselves to make sense of why we do the things we do. Why we feel the things we feel. A branding. A stamp right smack on our idiot foreheads so others can pluck us out of the herd. You've been warned. Further blurring the lines of what is 'normal'. We will always have an excuse to act out. Well, after all, it's just who we are. Just part of our personality. And we are enslaved by it. So we do what the fuck we do and just plead insanity. Because we can. Because the machine bred us this way. Because it gets ratings. The old world needed us to dig up our own filthy dirt so they can sell us the pills to clean it up. We all got something. So they prey on us. Control us. And we are so stupid, we fall right into the trap. We are one great big world of attention whores. We all want everyone to feel sorry for us and our pathetic lives. Right down to the very end. It was never the attention I craved. Or maybe it was. Maybe all I really needed was to open up to someone instead of not wanting to show all my dirt. Could all of this have just been exactly what they wanted from me? To make me feel shame for who I really am? To never admit to my vulnerabilities? Well, honey... there's a pill for that...

 

I am exhausted. Delirious. Curled up on my late friends bed and all cried out. I feel lighter. But, it could definitely be the alcohol. Daryl's scent dancing around my senses. The rhythm of his heartbeat drumming in my head. I take a deep breath in. Then out. My chapped, swollen eyes burned as I scanned the room for him. He wasn't there. I slowly sat up, feeling a little dizzy. "Get your fucking shit together, Chase.." I mumble to myself "You're a fucking mess" I must have passed out. Blanked out or something. The last thing I remember was being in Daryl's arms. Kind of. Pressed against him. Crying all over him. Bleeding all over him. Aching for him to hug me back, but he never did. I cup my cloudy head into my hands and focus on my breathing. Long and deep. Slow and steady. I'm going to be ok.

I make my way down the stairs and it begins to feel like a walk of shame. As if coming to from a nervous breakdown wasn't enough. The living room was flooded with broken glass, photo frames and furniture. Wax covering the coffee table. Streams of colors dripping and melting into one another like rings of a tree. Old and new. Telling our stories from the nights before. Witnessing the worst of things. And here we are running from the dead.. when really we were much much worse. I wrap my arms around myself, gripping my bony shoulders. Sighing at the sight of the bandage on my colorful wrist. Damn. That might leave a scar. I walk toward the front door and slowly turn the knob to step outside. The sun would be setting soon. And I needed some air.

Daryl. I forget to breathe when I see him.. causing the flutters to awaken in my gut. I know he knows I'm there.. but he doesn't budge. He doesn't turn to look at me. Some feet away, he had started a fire. Cooking the rabbit he hunted while I slept. I swallow hard, my arms crossed. Walking over to where he sits, I sit next to him. "Hi." I pull my knees to my chest. The only sound is that of the crackling fire as Daryl glances at me. I feel stupid. Like a stupid little girl. Emotional and unstable. It wasn't supposed to go this way.. But it did. And I'll own it. Becoming stronger from it in the end. "You must think I'm crazy.." I shake my head, staring into the flames "I just needed to let myself feel.. I hadn't, really.. In a long fucking time" I nervously push away loose strands of hair behind my ear.

My hunter friend, he pulls the cooked meat from the fire "You should eat"

I look at him not looking at me. Usually, I enjoyed the distance. Human interaction was never my strong point. But with Daryl, I found myself yearning for more. I study his face. My eyes scanning over every line. Every pore of his skin. Those ears poking through his messy hair.. That was my favorite. I know he feels my eyes on him. And as much as I want to look away for fear of freaking him out.. I can't. "I should." I say. Look at me, Dixon.

He grunts, holding his hand out for me to take the piece of freshly cooked meat. I pause before grabbing it. A sigh escaping my lips "Daryl.." Maybe I don't need to explain myself. But this guilt and shame that I feel is crushing. And that's usually the way it works. Emotional breakdown, sleep it off, attempt to pick up the pieces while trying to prove you aren't crazy. Well.. maybe I am.. "I.." I take a deep breath "I'm sorry for what I said. All of it. For pushing you. I didn't mean any of it.. I was just.. I don't know.."

"Whatever" He shrugs me off.

"Well, no.. I mean.. Seriously.. I'm sorry." I look at him. "I know I'm not easy to deal with.. on any level..I just.. "

"Whatever" He shakes his head and looks at me, biting into his rabbit. He shrugs again "Stop bein' sorry. It don't matter"

"I just.. I don't want you to think of me any different. Like.. any worse than you already do" I feel small. Smaller than I already am. I sit, toying with the meat in my hands. I never felt the need to really have to explain myself to anyone other than my family. And I guess the rules changed a long time ago because, now.. in this life..all I want is for Daryl to like me. To see me. The real me. "I don't want you to hate me"

He pauses. Words running around in his head. I can tell. Only they are too fast for me to read. He shrugs again, seemingly nervously. Discomfort in yet another forced social interaction with the girl he survives with. The crackling fire calming my anxiety to break the silence between us.

My silent counterpart grunts "Worryin' bout stupid shit. Should be worryin' bout what we gonna do when we can't stay here no more. People or walkers.. somethin' will come... and me hatin' you won't matter then."

"It matters to me" I cross my arms, hugging my knees. Still holding the cooled meat in my hand.

"Well, you don't need approval from nobody. 'Specially me" Daryl pulls another piece of meat from the fire and inspects it, blowing on it to cool it down.

He was right. As usual, he was right. I didn't need anyone's approval. I never had. And I didn't need Daryl to approve of me or the way I look or the way I walk and talk. The stupid jokes I told or the foul words that spewed from my mouth. I knew that. And although I know I would never change my ways for anyone, I wanted nothing more than for him to want me around. I wanted him to like me. For the idiot I was. I also knew that I was making no sense. "I don't. I know, I don't... I just..." I sigh "I guess...It's just... I just like you and I don't want you to hate me." I pause "Because it would suck.. if you did" my heart beats slightly faster and I feel the heat from my body rush to my cheeks and chest.

Daryl looks down at the meat in his hands "You gonna eat that?" he barks "If not, hand it over" he takes a bite of the fresh cooked rabbit meat.

I don't know why I expected anything more from my distant friend. And it's ok. But I'd be lying if I said it didn't sting a little. "I'm good. Thanks" I put the butterflies to sleep and bite into the cool meat. Anything beautiful left in this world was shadowed by something terrible. And although I could be wrong, I get the feeling that the little bit of beauty to ever show itself in Daryls life, had always been consumed by that something terrible. Always.

We sit. Just the sounds of our teeth tearing into dead flesh against the soothing crackling of the flame. I want to confess. I want him to know what I see when I look at him. How he makes me feel. How he makes me go back on everything I thought I ever believed or ever wanted. How this is all so new to me and how I could never actually explain it. But I would try. I hated that I felt this way. How I still have yet to learn much of anything about this man, yet I would follow him into the dark if he asked me to. Blinded and chained. Willing. We spent these long grueling days together just trying. In hopes that we could collect another breath, another heartbeat. But for what, exactly? Without the mindless, bullshit distractions of the old world, we were forced to figure out our 'reason'. What made our lives beautiful to live. What we would live and die for. Daryl Dixon, you just might be my reason to keep going. Whether you want to be or not.

I hadn't realized how hungry I was until I broke from my daydream. I had completely, sloppily inhaled Mr. Rabbit. Daryl dangled another piece of meat in front of me before I could even process the thought of asking for more. I gladly take the delicious gesture from his outstretched hand, bringing the warm meat to my lips to take a generous bite.

"I don't hate you." he mumbles. Almost as if a part of him didn't want me to hear. His low raspy voice stealing my breath again, catching me off guard. Awakening the gentle tickles in my gut. I perk up slightly and turn to look at him. Only this time he returns my gaze. We sit for a moment, silent, locking eyes as if for the very first time. And I feel like I'm losing control.

"I see you, Daryl... I do.." my voice cracks "I just want you to see me, too"

He fidgets a little, breaking our gaze. Reaching into his pocket for a cigarette as I leave myself wide open for the trees and birds to hear. Even this fire will take my secrets with it when it burns out. And I expect nothing in return. I just need him to know. I keep my eyes glued to him as he lights up "The world hasn't ended yet.. We're still here" I say, reminding him of the very words he spoke to me not long before "We're surviving..." I pause "And I'm glad it's together. I'm glad I'm with you"

Daryl takes a pull from his lit cigarette. He takes his time. Releasing the smoke from his lungs as he looks at me once more. A slight, half smile. A quick nod before looking out into the woods, placing the cigarette to his lips again. I look down at the bandage on my wrist. A slice of darkened dried blood staining through. Suddenly, a sense of clarity and acceptance rushes over me. I had never needed anyone's approval or acceptance before. Ever. But I was starting to realize that maybe the freedom I'd dreamt of all this time had nothing to do with death. I had it wrong. Maybe my freedom had everything to do with accepting myself. Allowing myself to dream, live and feel unabashed.

I look up at the sky between the trees. Clouds and hints or purples and oranges. The sun had begun it's early stages of setting. Turning in for the night so darkness could awaken the light of the moon. The stars. They were so bright here. Not like in the city.

"It'll be night soon.. We should go inside.." I begin to pull myself up off the ground.

"Hold on.." Daryl puts out his cigarette and looks up at me "We could sit out here for a little while more" He tilts his head to the left in a slight shrug of his shoulders "Just a little longer.. If you want to"

I sit back down. Inching a little closer to him in hopes he doesn't notice. I pull my knees to my chest and hug them tight. Resting my head to face Daryl. "I want to"


	13. Hung From A Wrecking Ball..

The fire grew brighter as night forced it's way in. The air cooler now. I close my eyes and imagine myself by the water. On the beach where I would always end up when I needed to just be. The waves crashing and pulling back with the tide. And I could actually see the stars. Burning up and setting the sky alive. Twinkling up there like diamonds catching the moonlight, just right. But this time, I wasn't alone. Daryl and I. Two insignificant specks of dirt in this great big, vast universe. Too small to see from up there in space. Up there in the stars. Up in the trees, even. And it didn't matter. Because nothing else mattered. No one else mattered. He sits next to me and I sit next to him. Side by side. I feel nervous. Shy. Tingly. We're close enough to touch, yet it still feels like miles between us. The flames cracked and popped as if translating our thoughts that would never reach our lips. Filling the silence that had become the staple of our false little relationship. I had so much I wanted to say to him but somehow the words got stuck between my head and my heart. Stuck in my throat. Choking me. Maybe I had already said too much. Already leaving myself open. I couldn't explain this feeling if I tried. Everything inside of me felt so alive. Awake. Moving. Reacting. I am aware of each and every cell. Each pore of my skin. Every single little gurgle and coo in my gut. Every single nerve ending over the landscape of my body. I am floating above myself. I am scared out of my mind.

Daryl reached into his pocket for another cigarette as I held onto myself for dear life. Unable to take my eyes off of him. I had grown obsessed. Intoxicated. Drunk, dumb and at a complete loss of control. Those damn butterflies. They must have mated and multiplied. I tilted my head, stalking his every move. Did he really exist? Or had I dreamed him up? I watched as he pulled the smoke into his lungs. Then breathed out. The breeze carrying the cloud of recycled smoke and air towards me as I hungrily try to breathe it in. Breathe him in. The secondhand leaves a hot ashy taste in my mouth. In the back of my throat, it burns. Daryl holds the cigarette out to me and motions for me to take a pull. I reach for it, my finger lightly brushing his. I put my lips where his were and my thoughts grow impure. As I take a pull, I imagine kissing him. Slowly at first. Just lips. His hand in my hair, pulling me in as our kiss intensifies..

I hand him the cigarette and blush as I imagine his warm tongue dancing with mine. His hands finding the heat between my thighs. A grin across my face. A big idiot grin.  
"What?" He looks at me, breaking my fantasy. My eyes rush to meet his and hold him there. Confusion all over his face.

"What?" My cheeks flush. Burning hot. I shake my head and try not to giggle. What in the fuck is wrong with me?

"I'unno, you tell me.." He takes another pull.

I take a deep breath of air in and I swear I can taste the salt water. The ocean that now only existed in my mind. My memory. Daryl sits facing the fire. A slight tilt toward me. Kind of. His knees are bent. His forearms resting on them, nonchalantly. The lit cigarette in his right hand sits loosely between his fingers. Seemingly holding onto him tighter than he is to it. I notice the bandage on my wrist again and for a few seconds, I want to disappear.

"Should heal up real good." Daryl's voice brings me back.

"Yeah. I heal pretty fast. You know, like Wolverine" I smile.

"I bet" He lets out a laugh. "Got any other super powers I should know 'bout?"

"Well.. I can absorb negative energy and zap good vibes into that black heart of yours. All while paralyzing you with a simple touch of my hand. Kinda like Rogue but not really. I steal your powers but not your life. You get it? Yeah you get it" I grin.

He laughs "Is that why you're such a bitch? All that negative energy you been stealin?"

"Fuck you, Dude!" I laugh.

"Just sayin'.. You ain't exactly a sweet little peach"

"Nope. I'm not." I say proudly.

"And them tattoos.." he points to my arms "They mean anything?"

I run my hands over the greens, pinks, reds.. oranges.. blacks and blues.. lines and curves of my busy arms. "They mean everything." I sigh "And absolutely nothing. All at the same time"

He looks at me with that split second, trademark half-smile. Bringing the cigarette to his lips for one last deep pull before putting it out.

"This one right here.." I point to a traditional style wrecking ball. It's chain strung with colorful flowers. Seemingly poking through a tear in my skin. A few flowers adorning the ball itself. A banner reads 'Hung from a wrecking ball, to see your fashion show.' "See.. everything and nothing. Do you like them?" I ask again. "It's cool if you don't"

"I don't hate 'em" He mumbles.

"Is that what you say when you like something?"

He looks a hole right through me. "I don't like nothin'.. so quit askin' me"

"Right." I nod. "You like Lynyrd Skynyrd though. And cheap whiskey. You like the color green. Hunting. Maybe you like X-Men.. or just Wolverine." I pause "Girls with tattoos and big stupid mouths"

He fidgets a little and looks down, shaking his head before looking back up at me "You know nothin' 'bout me.. not a damn thing 'bout what I like... and just so you know, none of this makes us friends neither. Remember that"

Where did that come from? I look at him, unsure of what I did or said wrong this time."Oh.. I got it" I turn to look back at the flames. Why is it that every single time I think I take a step forward with him, I take 20 steps back. I want to scream and cry but I've done enough of that shit. I hate myself for feeling so much.

"Not friends. Cool... So.. you hate me, you don't hate me, we're not friends.. at all.. then we are.. you say you like drinking with me, you literally save my life for no reason, right? Sometimes we talk, we laugh... we cry.. most times we just sit around, not saying a fucking word because, well, I don't know? Is this the part that hates me or likes to fucking drink with me? The part of you that brought me water and aspirin to make me feel better before I even knew I was sick? Which part was that? The part that isn't my friend, maybe? The part that could give a fuck? But I guess.. well, it really doesn't matter because we're not friends.. and you don't care about me, right?" Frustration washes over me as my words drown in sarcasm. I refuse to cry as the tears threaten to rip right through my eyeballs.

Daryl. A look on his face, confusing even to me. He looks bothered. Perplexed. A little bit angry. Shocked even. Empathetic. Absolutely clueless. And in all this, he was still holding back, "What the fuck?"

"You can't keep doing this, Daryl.." I go on and spill more of myself all over the ground "You pull me in just to spit me back out. It's one thing to just not care.. But I don't believe that you don't. You just can't handle it. You care about me too. Tell me I'm wrong!" I don't raise my voice. I don't yell even though I want to scream. And we were having such a great time..

"Don't be puttin' words in my mouth!" Daryl growls "You ain't exactly easy to deal with neither! Said so yourself.. Wanna talk about feelings?? Alright then! How 'bout you go on and handle your own first! You ain't no better than I am!"

He breaks me. Just like I knew he would. A tear runs down my face. My head pounds from holding it in. And I do. But I will not allow another salty stream to fall from the corner of my eye. I'm done crying. I shrug, turning my body to face him. Wanting to run away. Disappear again. "I do care about you.. I do. More than you know.." I almost plead.

"You're all kindsa confused! You think you feel things but you don't. I'm tellin' you, you don't!" He gets defensive. Frightened even "Ain't nobody ever cared 'bout me. Nobody in my life! Not my mom.. sure as hell not my dad.. not even the fuckin' stray cat out back.. 'Specially not my brother!" His voice cracks "It don't work that way..not with me.. I ain't who you think I am.."

"Who are you then, Daryl Dixon? Tell me.. Please.."

"Why don't you fuckin' tell me! Since you think you know all about me! You think you got me all figured out!"

"You're a frightened, hurt and angry little boy! Afraid to admit to himself that he just might actually give a fuck about something! You act like you don't give a flying dick about me! Or yourself or anything else!" I pause, my blood beginning to boil as I speak through clenched teeth, "You can be so goddamn cruel and mean and cold but that isn't you! Not the real you.. You are such a fucking liar! And a terrible one at that! You lie to yourself most of all.. At least, I can sure see right through it.. You push me away every single chance you get because you're afraid of getting close to anyone! You shut right off. I know who the fuck you are because you're just like me... You are the greatest and worst person I have ever met... I hate you so much because I don't hate you at all.. And yeah.. your life has been all kinds of fucked up.. But for fucks sake, we can still try! Why can't we care about each other? Don't you want to live for something other than just twiddling around breathing! Something other than just surviving? How fucking boring is that?!"

"I ain't no little boy" He grunts.

"I just spilled my heart out and that's all you heard?!" I cross my arms in frustration. I roll my eyes and shake my head, standing to my feet "Let me know when you decide to stop being such an ass hat!"

"Where you goin'?" He yells up at me as I brush myself off.

"Nowhere.." I start up the stairs and open the front door "Nowhere at all." I close it behind me and stomp into the kitchen to grab some water. I drink right out of the plastic 2 liter soda bottle of rain water and it feels so good going down. Cooling my rage and drowning those little fuckers flying around in my gut. Bringing me nothing but trouble. I put my left hand to my hip as I chug some more. Imagining the water ruining their delicate little wings. Pulling them down into the acids of my stomach. Melting them into goo.

Daryl fucking Dixon. You're cute until you open your mouth.

I sit on top of the kitchen table. It's wobbly but so what. If I break it, who's gonna come after me? I'm kinda almost 5 feet tall and weight 100 pounds soaking weight. Any table that breaks under my ass is a piece of shit anyway. I feel burned. Angry but not. Bitter, a little. Did I imagine he'd run in after me and grab me and kiss me? Hell no. He can protest in his own way for the rest of his life but I won't believe him. When I look into his eyes. Those sleepy, innocent blue eyes. I see who he really is.

I'm fidgety. I can't sit still. I hop down and slam the bottle back on the counter, sending a little water splashing up onto my face. I laugh and wipe it off. Slices of light coming in from the moon and the fire. But I don't need it. I've become so accustomed to the darkness. To life without the convenience of electricity. And I know my way around this cabin. I make my way to the stairs and slowly up to the bedroom. For some reason, I feel safe here. In this room. Even when I'm falling apart. Maybe my dead friend. Maybe she's in here. Been here the whole time. I would ask for a sign. Any sign from anywhere or anyone. From my mother. My brother. But I know deep down I don't want to see it.

I sigh and light the candles around the room. Looking at myself in the mirror, I take my hair down. Up again. Down again. In the dim candlelight, I am beautiful. Big brown sad eyes. Pouty pink lips. Slim neck. Defined collar bone. Long dark hair. I trace the lines in my face with my finger. Trace my jaw line. My neck. I trace over my shoulder. I stare at her. That girl. She stares back at me and I can't say that I fully recognize her. I step back away from the mirror. Falling back onto the bed. I close my eyes. All I see is Daryl. His face. His body. It doesn't take long for me to drift away. A sense of comfort comes over me as I imagine the weight of his body on top of mine. Pinning me down and leaving me helpless. Skin on skin. Wrapping my legs around him as he finds his way inside.. My hand down my neck, cupping my breast, caressing the soft skin and lightly giving a playful squeeze. My wandering hand makes its way down to my toned tummy. Between the fabric of my pants and my bare skin. My soft yet slightly prickly parts. I let out a breathy moan as I touch myself. Spread myself and touch my warm center. Just for a few minutes.

The cabin cracks and makes all kinds of noises. It would be real hard to be a kid sneaking in through the front door if your parents were asleep. I sigh. Pulling my hand from between my thighs. I sit up as I hear footsteps coming up the stairs. I stare into the dark doorway until a figure appears. God he is beautiful. The candlelight bouncing off of his features in the most poetic of ways. I am exhausted from the tug of war going on inside of me. I think I love him. Or I'm obsessed. I lust for him. I hate his fucking guts. All of the above.

He walks over and sits next to me. I hear nothing but the loud pounding of my heart. I can see our dim reflections in the mirror. Daryl sits, his hands down on the bed beside him. Inches away from me. He leans to the left, bumping his shoulder into mine. He playfully bumps into me again. Slower this time. I sink into the bed. Melt right into it. I feel myself begin to blush against the flickering candlelight and everything starts to tingle. Come alive. It's happening again. I'm dying and coming back and dying all over. I want to tear him to shreds. But instead, I walk my fingers over to his, grazing his hand with mine. Waiting for him to pull away. Only he doesn't. I lay my hand over his. Hooking my fingers under his palm. He slowly shifts his hand to hold mine. Our fingers intertwining. I squeeze and he squeezes back. Catching me off guard and taking my breath away. I inch closer to him until our bodies touch. My arm against his. Side by side as we hold hands. I feel like I am no longer in my body. I want to burst into tears. I want to scream. I want to jump off of a cliff. I want to laugh. I want to jump up and down like a child. I want to eat ice cream. I want to fall backwards into the ocean and float away. I want to be closer. I want to press myself against him until we both fall over. My heart is racing as I try to remember to breathe. I lay my head on his shoulder and I could feel his heart beating like a war drum. His chest is rising and falling just as fast. He's so nervous. He's terrified. And so am I.


	14. This Could Possibly Be...

Sex is fucking bullshit.

Let me rephrase that: Sex has lost it's sanctity. And it is, in fact, bullshit unless it means something. I know this. Always have. Yet I kept doing it. Diving right in and leaving with less of myself. Every single time. How is that meaningful? You can check into this right here for a few hours, but you can't stay. And each time someone checks in, the value goes down. And you're giving the house away. For free. We all do it. But not too many of us admit that we are insecure and unhappy. I've never felt good after laying down with someone. Shame. Emptiness. Stupid. But never good. Never happy. Euphoric. I'm that bitch that cried during sex. Not because it hurt. Because I am awake and aware in the moment instead of the usual numb. Another person ripping at me. Inside of me. Invading my body. Taking more of me and leaving nothing in return. A tear down my cherry cheeked face. They'd never even notice. Even if they had, they would never ever give a shit. Sex is just sex, right? All the dicks I've sucked. The ones I let in. They're all dead. The ladies I fondled. Licked and kissed. Dead too. As fucked up and selfish as it sounds, I'm glad. I don't even care. Because that part of me doesn't exist anymore. And for once in my life, I am going to feel what sex should have always felt like. Magical and intense. A perfect balance of give and take. Exchange of beautiful torturous energy. An out of body experience that I've yearned for for so long. I want it to feel like the first time. Because when it happens, it will be.

 

I open my eyes. A sigh escaping. My heart, pounding. How is it that time can stand still yet move so fast all at the exact same moment? I can't tell how long we've been sitting here. On our late friends' bed against the dim flickering candlelight. Daryl and I. My smaller hand safe in his as my head rests on his shoulder. I move my head a little so that my face is now gently pressed against his skin. Breathing him in. I roll my eyes back as his scent fills my lungs. Seeps into my bloodstream and races through my veins. A scent just as soft and beautiful as it is rugged and manly. I have never wanted anything more in my entire life. The way that I want him.

I slowly move, caressing my cheek to his shoulder. Sneaking in a brush of the corner of my lips to the muscular curve of his arm. Life, lazily and love-sickened, coursing through me. Daryl was the wholehearted meaning. He was the answer to all of the questions I had ever asked. About any and everything.

He began to fidget a little. Nervously. I gripped his hand as his chest rose and fell quicker now. He swallowed hard as I lifted my head, turning to face him. Every time I looked at him it was as if for the first time. Only I'd fall even deeper into his eyes. When he looked at me, that is. My free hand found it's way to his face. Gently running my fingers down his cheek. To his chin. Guiding him to face me. Look at me. His eyes finally met mine as he nervously chewed on the inside of his bottom lip. I lost my breath, almost gasping a gulp of air into my lungs. Then out again. My tummy fluttering. My skin hot and tingly. I'm on fire. An underground volcano which erupts between eager thighs. My thoughts are faint bubbles of clouded judgement and I feel lost in my wants and needs. Lusts and craves. He is the most gorgeous creature I have ever laid eyes on.

I bite my bottom lip before slowly beginning to lean toward him. I can't take it anymore. I have to have him. I lose myself in his eyes. The sound of his beating heart. I could feel the magnetic electricity between us. Pulling us closer. Every nerve ending in my body screaming for him. Crying in agony for his touch. His sweet taste. Just before our lips touch, I closed my eyes. Bracing myself because I knew I would never be the same again. And I was ready for it. My lips softly pressed against his, stealing my breath. If I had been standing, I would have fell. My hungry tongue gently running across his lips begging for entry.

Suddenly, Daryl jumped back in a panic. Breaking from my kiss. Breaking away from my hand. From me. He stood up, bringing his hands to his head. Trying to form words but nothing was coming out. He awkwardly paced, tripping over himself. As dim as the room was, I could swear he turned bright red. Quickly bringing his hands to cover the bulge that had formed against the fabric of his pants. Like a young boy that had been caught doing something he shouldn't be doing.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" a wave of guilt washed over me and I hoped more than anything, I hadn't taken us 5 steps back again. He had given me an inch and I had stolen a mile. Fuck. "Daryl.. I.."

He couldn't look at me as he sunk to the floor in the corner of the room, his back against the wall.

"Shit. Fuck." I wanted to rip my heart out and toss it. We sat for a moment. Both of us confused, weirded out and trying to find the right words to say. I buried my face in my hands at the thought of losing whatever little bit of trust he had in me.

Daryl cleared his throat and I could hear him breathing. Almost helplessly. As if he was terrified. Humiliated. Silently screaming for help. I shook my head and wanted to shrink down to nothing so he couldn't see me. Just disappear from embarrassment. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Not with him. The world was supposed to explode as our lips collided in a furious rage of lust. We were supposed to succumb to each other and make love until we passed out. Dammit.

"Daryl.. I didn't mean-"

"Just.. it ain't nothin', ok" he looked down at his hands, his voice cracking.

"Seriously?" I hold back tears "Because I feel like a fucking idiot right now. I really.. shouldn't have just assumed that you wanted it too. I'm so sorry, Daryl"

"You feel like an idiot?" he nervously laughs, shaking his head into his hands.

"I just forcefully threw myself at you!" I cry out, flailing my arms up "And you didn't want it! That's borderline rape.." I grunt loudly into my hands, frustrated.

"That's far from rape.. look.. I ain't mad or nothin', ok.." His voice grows lower. Softer. As if to whisper so no one else could hear "It's not that I.. don't want it.. it's just.. I.. I can't-"

"I know.. you're right.. we can't. we're moving too fast.. It's my fault.. I'm sorry"

"No. I can't." He sighs "I ain't the guy you think I am.."

"You are.." I lay across the bed, my head resting on my arms at the edge to face him.

"You don't get it." He snaps.

I swallow the spit in my mouth. I am at a loss for words and I feel like a shit. I never had a guy not want to kiss me. Not want to take it all the way. And maybe that was the whole point. Daryl was different. He was the one I had been looking for.

"Girls.." Daryl winces. As if the words hurt coming up. He pauses "I'm damn good at things. But not them things"

"Which things?"

"Girls!" He barks "You gonna make me fuckin' spell it out?! Snatch, pussy, tits!"

"Oh" I look at him. He's fidgeting and uncomfortable. Avoiding me at all costs. Daryl Dixon. Are you a virgin? My heart drops. "I see.."

"Go on.." He gets defensive.

"Go on.. what?" My voice shrinks in my throat and a frogs got it now.

"Laugh it up. It's funny, ain't it? Knows his way 'round a Harley but can't even-"

"I'm not laughing." I reassure. I would never.

"You ain't not laughing neither." He stands to his feet. I sit up on the bed keeping my eyes glued to him.

"No. I'm not." I look at him. I have to be sure I understand "You've never..?"

"Stuck my prick in some dirty whore?"

"Well, I didn't mean it like that.."

"That's just what it woulda been anyway" He shrugs.

I squint "So you've never had-"

"Fuck, could it be more obvious!? You gotta make me fuckin' say it?!" He paces by the door.

"You don't have to say it." All I can think of is how much more sexy he is to me knowing that I could be his first. I could make it beautiful for him. I could love on him every humanly physical way possible. Leave a piece of myself for a piece of him in return. Making us both feel whole. Alive and worth something. The way it should always be.

He paces by the door some more. Seemingly unsure of whether he is going to leave or stay. Please stay..

"I need a fuckin' drink" Daryl lunges across the room to the other side of the bed and grabs the bottle of Old Heaven Hill.

He stands with his back to me, and takes a healthy swig. The dark liquid bubbling in the bottle. Fighting over how much gets the privilege of sliding down his throat. He wipes his mouth before sitting on the bed. His wide back, muscular broad shoulders and trim torso creating the image of the perfect man. I fight myself from grabbing him. Down, girl.

I grab the previously abused bottle of vodka and quietly drink. I move up to the head of the bed and sit, kicking my shoes off. I sigh, hugging the beautifully curved bottle. "Wanna sit with me?"

"I am ain't I?" Daryl sits at the edge of the bed. His back still to me.

"Hardly." I shake my head "It doesn't matter to me what you've done.. or haven't done." I sigh.

Daryl takes another chug from the Whiskey bottle and looks over his shoulder at me. I pat down on the soft space of bed next to me.

"Fine" he says in that raspy drawl. He hops up to the head of the bed beside me, stealing a few glances before bringing the warm burning liquid to his lips one more. The lips that mine had touched for those brief few seconds that would haunt me until I was able to do it again. And then some. The thought forced me to drink more. That familiar fiery burn down my throat and into my belly.

"Take those shoes off.. stay a while, will ya?" I furrow my brow.

He chugs some more. Drinking at a heavier pace. Oh, Daryl.. I know the feeling. But you don't have to worry about me. If you only knew the half of how I feel about you..

Daryl kicks his shoes off and looks at me as I drink. I wipe my mouth and smirk, feeling my cheeks flush. Thoughts of his lips dancing around my head.I swear I can still feel them. I smile and bring my fingers to my lips like a little girl with a crush. Daryl shoots that half smile of his and I sink into the bed.

"You're pretty" He mumbles.

"What?" I giggle, feeling the liquid courage. "What did you say?"

Daryl shrugs "You're pretty." he pauses "I like your face. So what" Defensive, again.

I let out a giggle. My insides are bursting. Daryl is talking to me. Daryl just said I was pretty and he likes my face. This could possibly be the most intimate moment of my life shared with another human being.

"I like your face too." I smile and bring my fingertips to graze his cheek. Our eyes lock once more. I dreamily study him. Those sleepy blue eyes. I want to kiss him. So fucking bad.

He pulls out a cigarette, placing the mini death stick between his lips and lights it. Placing the lighter and pack on the end table, he hands me the lit cigarette. It felt as though he had just given me a bouquet of roses. Those subtle acts of affection. I see you. I feel you. I completely understand you. It was then that I absolutely, without a doubt, finally knew what I felt.

Daryl Dixon, I love you. So what.


	15. Fair Trade..

I open my eyes again. He's still here. Still next to me. If this is, in fact, just a dream, I hope I never wake up. I want to live forever in this beautiful nightmare. The strong smell of whiskey and cigarettes. Cheap vodka and old wood. Old clothes. Twirling around our senses setting the stage against the candlelight. Inhibitions replaced with an effortless exchange of words countered by bits of comfortable silence. Nothing else matters in this moment but Daryl and I. Fuzzy from the booze and forgetting the horrors of the new world. My mind overcome with thoughts of Daryl's confession. I pass the half-smoked cigarette back to him. He takes it between his fingers, a grin across his face. When he smiles, I swear to whatever God may exist, I never want it to end. I want to drown in it. Taking it all in and telling myself it's more than just the alcohol. I know it's more.

"Think you drank enough?" I laugh, my face beginning to hurt from smiling. But I sure as hell don't mind.

Daryl holds up the large plastic bottle and shakes it a little. About a quarter of it left. "Might just finish it up" he mumbles, the lit cigarette nonchalantly hanging from his lips. He takes a drag and exhales before bringing the amber liquid to his lips to take a swig. He swallows and puts the cigarette out on the nightstand.

I shake my head, unable to wipe the dumb smile from my face. My cheeks and chest flushed pink from the effects of my old friend, vodka. I look down at the bottle nestled between my thighs. Hugging it like I never want to let it go. I feel loosened. Relaxed. Daryl sinks against the headboard gripping the neck of the Old Heaven Hill in his hand that rests between us. In my tipsy, euphoric state I can tell that he's less tense. Talking more and letting go. Just a little. He's feeling it too.

"So.. I got a question for you.." I keep my eyes glued to my hands gripping the clear liquid.

"Shit, here we go.." Daryl shakes his head.

"C'mon.. seriously.." I plead.

He grunts, "Fine..ask.."

"Do you miss the old world?" my eyes find him again as he ponders for a moment.

"You mean if I miss not havin' them reanimated sacks of shit walkin' around, then yeah. I do."

"Do you miss your old life?" I pause "What you were doing. Who you were doing it with. Stuff like that?"

"Nope.. I mean.." he pauses, "I miss some things.." he shrugs. "But ain't too much different now than before all this."

"In what way?"

"I'd still be runnin' around. No real place of my own. No real life. Just.." he pauses to find the words.

"Existing. Not really knowing what this is all for. But still trying to find your place in whatever this shit is." I sigh. A sideways smile curling at the corner of my pouty mouth.

Daryl nods, chewing at his bottom lip again. He takes another swig. I guess he was serious about killing the rest of that whiskey. I won't stop him, "I know you miss things. Livin' up there in that big ol' apple or whatever. All kindsa chances to get it right. Fuckin' cheeseburgers and music...and swimmin' " he glances over at me. "Showers"

He listens to me. He remembers what I say. All this time I thought he hated my guts. Annoying him every time I spoke. There was still so much to learn. But I wasn't just some girl he survived with. I know that now. I place my frail right hand on his shoulder, instinctively.

"All of the above," I smile, pausing for a moment before pulling away, "Those things are great... but... I wouldn't care if I never got to eat a cheeseburger again or take another real shower for the rest of my life.. if it means I get to hang out with you."

"Bullshit" he scoffs.

"Fair trade. No bullshit." I take a confident swig of my liquid courage. The vodka warming in my belly.

"Whatever you say.." he pulls himself up from sliding deeper into the mattress, his back against the headboard. "Said you always got a song playin' in your head. So what song you got playin' up there now?"

The words and melody already humming in my mind. I throw my head back, the biggest smile on my face. A sense of excitement burns in my gut as I begin to sing out, "Meet me in outeeeeerr space.. we could spend tthheeee night.. watch the Earth come up.. I've grown tired of thaaaatt place..won't you come with me?" I laugh, my eyes widen "Yikes! That was terrible.."

"Hmm.. you said it, not me" he shakes his head "Please. Never do that again"

I shoo him off and take a swig. My heart feels swelled up in my chest. Full and glowing. Happy. My lips part as I play with my hair. Twisting it up. Pulling it down again. My long dark hair brushing against my sensitive skin. I feel sexy. Empowered and living. More alive than I've ever felt. The bandage on my wrist taunts me. Trying to bring me down from my big fluffy cloud but I won't let it. There's no way it can. Mmmm Daryl, Daryl, Daryl. I can't stop saying his name over and over in my mind. Daryl.. Daryl Dixon.. My over-sized heart muscle pumping away and I can feel the hot blood screaming through my veins.

"You know what, Dixon?" I grin uncontrollably, "you know me better than anyone else in the world.."  
Daryl laughs, "Yeah, that's 'cuz there ain't no one else left"

We erupt in a fit of laughter. Silly, tipsy faced laughter. In the time-lapsed fabrication of our budding relationship, according to my daydreams and fantasies, this would be our 7th date. Or something like that. From the corner of my eye I notice he is looking at me. As unrepressed as I feel, a rush of nerves tingle in my gut. My big brown eyes find his baby blues. Instantly taking me to another place. A place only he and I know exists. Only he and I are welcome. Tell me everything, Dixon. I'm begging you, please. It's only us here. And you are safe with me. His eyes trace every inch of my face as if he were trying to memorize my features. Every line and curve. Like it would be the first and last time he will ever see me. I watch him intently with parted lips. He has so much to say. So much stuck in his throat. I'd give anything to hear it. Anything.

He breaks our gaze, grabbing the pillow from under him. Sinking into the bed again getting comfortable. Throwing the soft pillow behind his head, he takes another chug before setting the whiskey down on the nightstand. I feel my heart jump in my chest. I take a breath of air into my lungs and slowly release. Inching closer, turning my petite body to face him. Allowing the harsh clear liquid to dive down passed my lips and into my stomach once more. I hold the bottle out, handing it to Daryl to set down beside his.

I am mesmerized by his profile. The slope of his nose. Shape of his lips. The few gray hairs mixing with the others on his chin. His long messy brown hair hanging over his eyes. What a perfect creation. He was the most alluring thing I had ever witnessed and he didn't even know it. Would never believe me if I told him. And I will tell him. I'll make damn sure of it. It was more than his physical appearance. To me, it was so much more. I had given up trying to make sense of it. All I know is that I am falling in love with him and it was out of my control.

A sweet smile across my face as I brush the hair from his eyes. Doing my best to push his unruly locks back behind his ear. That adorable fucking ear. Always poking through his long hair.

"What are ya doin'?" he calmly asks. His raspy voice giving me chills.

"I wanna see your face." I say softly, "you always have your hair over your eyes."

"It's for the best, trust me. I ain't nothin' to write home about"

"Horseshit" I smile, pulling myself to my knees. I move as close to him as I can without falling into his lap,  
"Can I?"

He shrugs. I slowly bring my hands to his forehead, running my fingers through his hair to brush it back away from his eyes. I move my hands down the sides of his head, tracing his ears. Oh Daryl.. those ears of yours.. If only you knew how ridiculously cute they are to me..

I sigh, tilting my head slightly to the right as I run my hands gently down his face, "Look at me"

He hesitates. I can feel him begin to pull back as I push a few loose strands of his hair away. He clears his throat and takes a deep breath in, then out. His heavy eyes find mine again and my insides ignite. I shake my head, "You are so fucking beautiful, Daryl"

He scoffs and looks away, "Don't lie to me."

"I don't lie to you." my fingers playing in his almost shoulder length locks.

He looks at me, a slight nod as if to reassure me that he already knows.

"Is it ok.. if I kiss you?" I ask. My voice low and breathy.

I can feel him tense up. Breathing faster. His eyes dart back and forth between me and everything else in the room. He swallows hard and finally fixes his attention on me. His eyes like deep oceans, their endless waves pulling me under and I'm helpless to fight it. His energy is intoxicating. My heart pounds faster and louder in my ears. I am lost in him.

I take a chance and bring my hand to caress his face once more. He closes his eyes and leans into my touch. I die and come back again, losing all control in the process. My free hand finds his, bringing his palm to my chest to feel my heart beat. To feel everything I felt for him. He opens his eyes to look at me again. I have to have him. I lean in and hungrily press my lips to his, pushing him back against the pillow. I straddle him, grinding myself into his lap as his strong hands cradle my round bottom.

He doesn't resist. He doesn't pull away. He's kissing me. I can smell the whiskey on his breath and it turns me on even more. Our mouths exploring this new territory. Getting acquainted and learning each other. I playfully suck his bottom lip into my mouth and give a little nibble. He lets out a helpless moan and all the blood in my body rushes between my thighs. I break our kiss, wasting no time pulling my tank top over my head and tossing it to the floor. Daryl instinctively pushes into me, his growing hardness teasing the wetness between my legs. His eyes studying my skin. My body. I unhook my bra and toss it away, grabbing Daryl's rugged hands, running them up my toned stomach to cup my small breasts. My fingers through his hair as he massages my perky palm sized mounds. I bite my bottom lip as I feel his erection under me. The thought of this being his first time sending me over the edge. His first time this close to another human being. And he was allowing it happen.

My lips find his again and our kiss intensifies, my tongue invading the inside of his warm, wet mouth. Mmmmm that whiskey again.. the faint taste of cigarettes.. our tongues getting to know one another. Exploring. Dancing in perfect rhythm. Drunk in love. His hands run up my back and into my hair, pulling my head back. A moan escapes my lips as he places kisses down my neck. I tug at his shirt in desperation. Wanting to feel his skin against mine. Wanting to finally take in his beautiful body.

I push his leather angel wing vest off his shoulders and help him out of it before pulling his shirt up over his head. Those arms. That body. My skin was on fire. My hands over his strong chest, down his toned abs. Finding his belt and unfastening it. Fighting with the button and zipper, eager to finally free his throbbing erection. He pulls at my skinnies, unfastening the button as I tug his pants down. Needing to be as close as possible. I roll over onto the bed, peeling my pants off as Daryl does the same, kicking his pants and boxers to the floor. His cock was magnificent. A slight curve, thick and long. Pink and smooth. I wrapped my small hand around him, stroking the length of his shaft before bringing him into my mouth. His breathing grew heavier as he threw his head back. A look of excruciating pleasure on his face as he lets out the hottest moan I have ever heard.

I sucked him a little more as I play with myself. My fingers sliding over my swollen wet petals until I couldn't take it anymore. I had to have him. I straddled him again, looking into his eyes, wanting him to see me. To be sure he was ok with everything that was happening. What was about to happen. I lost myself in those baby blues as he fell into me. I felt him tremble as he let go. Our animalistic instincts taking over. He looked down at himself raging between us. My small hand barely able to hold his thickness. I begin to run the head of his cock over the hot wet slice between my thighs. Teasingly giving him a taste of what a woman feels like. Massaging him against my clit. Guiding him to my tight opening, I slowly lower myself onto him. Our mouths hung open in unison as he entered me. Inch by inch. My juices dripping down his shaft. I gasped as he completely filled me. My tightness squeezing around him. I begin to move up and down, grinding my hips as I arch my back. My long wavy hair all over the place. Our arms and legs wrapping around each other and I couldn't tell where he ended and I began. My God..I can't believe this is actually happening.. Daryl Dixon is inside of me.

He grips my ass, his fingertips buried in my flesh. His sex sounds drove me wild. Our slick bodies against each other. Hot skin against hot skin. I pull him closer to me, holding on for dear life as he effortlessly lifts my small frame and lays me on the bed. He pulls out. I gasp at the emptiness, missing him already. His hands explore my body. The curves of my hips, my tiny waist. I squirm and spill out all over the bed. Reaching for him. I can't stand this hollow feeling. I need him like a needle in my veins. Like a junkie needs a fix. I spread for myself for him, aching for more. I wrap my hand around his pulsing shaft and guide him to my hot slick slice of life. I gasp as he pushes himself inside again. A slight pain in taking all of him in. He was so big and so fucking hard. I buck my hips, feeling every inch all at once. I let out a long, breathy moan, my legs around him as he thrusts in and out. My moans shorter now, crying out in torturous ecstasy as every single nerve ending in my body reacts all at once. I roll my eyes, running my hands down his back. My fingers finding long, raised scars.

Oh Daryl.. I grab onto him and pull the weight of his body on top of me. Our bodies pressing together as close as humanly possible. Becoming one in every way. He moves faster, fucking me harder. Completely losing himself here with me. Our sweaty bodies writhing and sliding into each other. The sounds of our breathing, moaning, flesh slamming against flesh.

"Oohh God.. Ohh yes" I moan into his neck, fighting orgasm. Never wanting this to end. His body reacting to the things I was doing to him. My tightness squeezing around him, bringing him to his breaking point. I felt his breaths shorten, his heartbeat pounding faster against mine. He cradles me, sliding his arms under my body. His thrusts harder. I begin to explode and I couldn't hold back anymore. He was on the verge of release and I lost whatever little bit of control I had left.

My skin sets fire, burning the sheets. I lose control of my limbs, bucking my hips into him as I fall into unimaginable pleasure. My muscles pulsing. Contracting around his throbbing cock as I climax. He grunts and lets out a long moan before pulling out. Shooting his hot, creamy load all over my stomach.

Our eyes glued to each other as we try to catch our breath. He kneels between my legs, holding his still hard cock. His beautiful toned body glistening with sweat. His long hair, messy and damp. The hottest image I will never be able to get out of my head for the rest of my life.

The realization of what just transpired crashing down on us. Did this really just happen? Holy fucking shit did we really just have sex?

Daryl quickly grabbed a shirt from the closet, ripping it off the hanger, "Clean off" he says as he tosses it at me.

I prop myself up on my elbows, as his creamy cum starts to drip down my stomach. I furrow my brow, snatching the shirt, watching him clean himself and hurry back into his clothes. He doesn't look at me. He doesn't say another word. He sits at the foot of the bed, his back to me, putting his shoes on. I sit up, crossing my arms to cover my breasts.

He grabs his knife and slips his vest on over his sleeveless shirt.

I look at him, confused, "Are you.. leaving?"  
He doesn't answer as he walks out and heads down the stairs. My jaw drops. My heart breaks in my chest. I literally can't breathe as I hear the front door open and slam shut. I fall into the bed, holding myself as I begin to sob into the pillow, breathing in the scent he left behind.


	16. I Don't Wanna Let You Go, But It Hurts My Hands To Hold The Rope..

I am weightless. I am soulless. I am out of my body. I am space bound. I don't need to feel. Don't want to. My naked petite torso and colorful little limbs twisted up in sheets and blankets. My head rests in a pool of long dark hair, resembling thick cherry black blood from a most unfortunate event. Chapped, puffy brown eyes staring at the blank white wall as I choke on the air that fills my lungs. It smells of him. Tastes of him. The delicate parts between my thighs sore and aching from the void he left behind. I've willingly given him all of me and I will never ever be the same again. Images of what we've done re-playing like a movie over and over again in my mind. I try to force them away but they grow stronger. More real. My skin tingles as I relive the sensation of his rough hands over my soft curves. His warm body tangled in mine. Our elevated pulses violently pumping against each other. How amazing it felt to have him deep inside. Then a pain stings in my chest. In my belly. I feel sick. He isn't here. 

I sigh deeply as the sun rises higher in the morning sky. I wish it was raining. An excuse to stay inside. A reflection of all that I was feeling. But no. I can't sulk in here forever. I just can't. Get up, Chase. I pull myself out of bed, stretching my arms over my head. I catch a glimpse of my naked body in the mirror, quickly crossing my inked arms to cover my small chest. My little perfectly shaped breasts that welcomed his large rugged hands. I look away and begin to pick my clothes up off the floor. Each piece reminding me of what it felt like to show myself to him. I shake my head as I dress. I need to be near the water. I need to clear my head. 

 

\---------------------------------------------------

 

 

"While I powder my nose   
He will powder his gums   
And if I try to get close  
He is already gone   
Don't know where he's going  
Don't know where he's been   
But he is restless at night   
He has horrible dreams.."

 

The words cut through me as I hum the melody of the song playing in my head. I sigh, sliding my hands in my pockets as I walk through the woods. The trees seem to go on forever. Stretching for thousands of miles. No end in sight. Straight across the world. I stop for a minute to take notice of the natural beauty around me. Sucking in a deep breath, treating myself with the fresh air. I exhale. Daryl. Everything reminds me of him. The birds chirping in the trees. The breeze blowing kisses at my face. He has seeped into my skin and I can never wash him off.

I hug my arms around myself and keep going. Where are you, Dixon? Why did you leave me like that? A sluggish, movement from the corner of my eye followed by the sounds. Ugh. I roll my eyes and turn to see the corpse of a female coming for me. My eyes narrow. She hasn't been dead long. She's fresh. A sinking feeling in the pit of my gut. I grab for my blade, hesitating. Her long dark hair, big dead eyes and small frame. She looks like me. I feel the blood in my head rush to my toes. I hate her. 

"Fuck..you.." I lunge, shoving her against a tree as I violently push my knife into her chest. Her head. stab her. Over and over. I see red. I feel rage. Knocking her lifeless weight to the ground, I kick her. Stomp on her, crushing her face into a pulp. Denting the Earth below. I snap back, her brains are everywhere. Blood on my shoes. My pants.   
Standing over the still corpse, I fight to catch my breath. Putting my blade back in it's home, I push the hair from my face and keep on.

I continue the way that I remember until I can hear her. I can smell her. A smile across my face and a feeling of relief. I begin to run toward the water. Our little stream. Our Oasis. I laugh, smiling so big it hurts. I fall to my knees at the edge, allowing my fingertips to twirl around in the cool water. I cup my hands to gather some and splash it on my face. My eyes searching to find the tree where Daryl sat the first time we stumbled upon this place. Praying that just maybe.. he would be there. A sadness washing over me as I sink into the ground. 

I sigh. I wish I could turn my brain off. Stop thinking about him. Obsessing over him. There is more to life than goddamn Daryl Dixon. Isn't there? Fuck. This world is cruel. So cruel. I came here to clear my head not flood it. Not drown and suffocate in emptiness and gloom. Truth is, if he wanted to be here he would be. And he's not. So what else can I do? I'm at a loss. I hate how much I allow him to hurt me. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. Knocking my head back. I look up at the blue sky. Not a single cloud. I wonder if my mother and brother are looking down at me. Shaking their angel heads at how fucking stupid I am.

Without watches and the illusion of time, I easily lose track of how long I’ve spent here. Steadily fixed on the constant, beautiful flow of the water. I envy her fluidity. Ever moving. Ever changing. The epicenter of life. She was necessary. She was needed. Loved and adored. She had a purpose. But most of all, she couldn’t feel anything. Bitch.

Suddenly, I hear the sound of twigs and leaves crack and pop under lazy foot steps. I jump to my feet simultaneously grabbing my blade. Hoping to only have to kill one, I turn around. My mouth hangs open. I lose the ability to breathe. My knees get weak. The drumming of my heart deafening. He stands, his crossbow over his shoulder. Gripping the strap with both hands. His hair over his eyes. He looks defeated. A little boy owning up to something bad. I stare a hole right through him. The muscles in my face tensing. My eyes begin to water but I refuse to cry. I've fucking cried enough. 

A tremble down my spine. A death grip on the handle of my cold steel. My face gets hot and I begin to sweat. 

"You wanna.. ummm.. put that knife down?" he waves his hand as if to signal me to calm down. Be easy.

I stare at him intensely. Unrelenting. A combination of anger, hurt, confusion, embarrassment and..fuck, I miss you. I put the knife away, not saying a word. I cross my arms in front of my chest. Suddenly, I feel a blush tickle my cheeks. My stupid thoughts taking me to some hours ago when I saw him naked. Had him all over me. I shake my head, forcing myself to snap out of it. Causing a fire to rage inside of me. 

"What the fuck, Dixon?!" I burst. Throwing my hands in pent up frustration.

He looks down at the ground. Chewing on that damn lip again. 

"You fucked me.. and left!" I spew venom through clenched teeth.

He burns bright red. Almost purple. He mumbles, "We fucked each other"

"And YOU left!" I try to compose myself. Try not to yell at him. It's gotten us nowhere so far. I shake my head, a look of disgust on my face, "Not a word.. nothing.. Why? If I did that to you.. If I fucking ran out on you like that right after.. how would you feel?"

He nervously fidgets. Gripping the strap across his chest tighter. He looks up. Then down at his feet. I can feel how uncomfortable he is standing in front of me with the weight of everything that transpired between us. Knowing both of us would never be the same. Whatever it was that we had would never be the same. It cuts through me like a rusted knife. But I don’t take my eyes off of him. I can’t. Barely blinking. Barely breathing.

"You crushed me.", I sigh, my arms hanging at my sides, tears behind my eyes fighting to fall free. I don't want to cry. But I want him to feel what he did.

We stand facing each other. The energy between us strained and awkward. Now would be the perfect time to say what the fuck is lingering in that brain of yours, Dixon. But he doesn’t. I want to scream and shake him. Grab his hair and throw him to the ground. Punch him in the fucking gut. Make violent love to him.

"Nothing to say.. figures" I shake my head, wiping away the lonely tear that streamed down my face, “Fuck you, Dixon.. just… fuck you..” 

“Fuck me? Quit actin’ like I forced you into screwin' me then killed your dog.. you wanted it so bad, and you got it.” he grunts, motioning with his hands.

I scoff, my mouth hanging open. I see red. I feel rage. I clench my fist and swing, hitting him in the face. A sudden shooting pain from my knuckles to my wrist as my jab connects. He almost simultaneously grabs me, Lifting my tiny frame off the ground, gripping me tight. I could feel the adrenaline radiating off of his hot skin, “Let go of me! Don’t fucking touch me!”

“You got some fucking balls, bitch! Hittin’ me like that! I oughta knock you flat on your ass!”

“Hit me! I dare you to hit me! Pussy!” I flail, trying to break free as he carries me toward the water. He tosses me in feet first. I gasp at the sudden cold as I slip deeper, my entire body submerged.

“Cool the fuck off!” he walks away, enraged. Kicking branches and swearing under his breath. The realization that if I had been a man, he would have killed me. 

I stand up, completely drenched. I want to scream. I want to cry. I stare at him with my jaw on the floor. My soaking wet hair and clothes sticking to my goose pimpled skin. My blood is boiling through my veins as my heart pumps overtime, “What the fuck is wrong with you?!”

“The fuck’s wrong with me?!” he angrily barks, walking back toward me. A red mark forming on his face where I hit him, “You’re fuckin’ nuts, girl! Psychotic bitch! Go on, take off them clothes! Since that’s what you’re all about! Swimmin’ and fuckin’!”

“Yeah, asshole?! Says the fucking 40 year old virgin!!” I scream through tears and anger, erratically splashing water at him, “Fucking loser!”

“Not no more! Thanks for that!” he paces back and forth, seemingly not knowing what to do with himself, “You know what? I came here to say I’m fuckin’ sorry! You never give me a damn chance! It ain’t always about you! And I didn’t just fuck you and leave! We had sex.. WE did! You ain’t the only one that has feelin’s! You ever stop to think that not everybody deals with shit the same way you do? Huh?”

“You left me sitting there like an idiot! You said absolutely nothing and left me to clean up the mess you made! That’s fucked up, Daryl! You’re wrong!” I scream back at him. 

“Oh now this mess is mine?!” he growls, throwing his hands up in defeat, “What the hell did you expect from me? Do I look like the type that wants to fuckin’ cuddle? I didn’t leave you! I wouldn’t be here now, if I did.. And you fuckin’ punched me in the damn jaw and I’m STILL here! If you were anybody else, I woulda stuck them arrows up your fuckin’ ass! Get it?! So stop bein’ so goddamn dramatic!”

He turns his back to me, his hands at his hips. He hangs his head for a moment, bringing his hand to rub his face. Pausing and taking in a breath before looking over his shoulder at me, “You fuckin’ done bein’ a psycho?”

 

I take a huge, gulp of air and hold it in my lungs for a few seconds. Still standing waist deep in the water. I exhale, a tremble down my spine. I am unable to take my eyes off of him. I can’t say that I am sorry for hitting him. I’m not exactly sure if I am. A sense of guilt washing over me as my guts churn. For once, I don’t know what to say. My thoughts racing faster than I can comprehend. I just can’t be the girl who continuously makes a fool of herself. I can’t. And if I had been up to this point, it has to end here. I know that I might be being selfish. But I just feel so worn out. Daryl is different. Complex, distant and emotionally disconnected. Struggling with everything that has happened to him while facing this world head on. He just lost his virginity in the goddamn Night Of The Living Dead for fucks sake. As much as I understand and empathize, I have to protect myself too. Although I know I am not easy, he is so hard to deal with and it’s taking a tremendous toll on me. I refuse to hurt and constantly take an emotional beating because he can’t handle his own feelings. And I feel way too much. This shit is new to me too. All of these.. new things happening inside of me. Inside of my heart and my head. The natural reactions and responses that I am experiencing around this man. The things he does to me without even knowing. It’s all new. He isn’t the only one going through it. I want to be there for him. And I will. But I can’t sit back and pretend that I’m not exhausted from this tug of war. I have to love less. I have to. To save myself.

“C’mon..” he walks over to the water and leans over the edge, holding his hand out to me. 

“I’m fine. I don’t need help. Thank you” I ignore his gesture and begin to make my way out of the water. My clothes are heavy, uncomfortable and weighing me down. I feel miserable in every way a person can. Guilty, mad, sad, happy, stupid, wrong, right, sloppy, soaked, disgusting, beautiful.

Daryl grabs hold of me and lifts me up into his strong arms, soaking himself in the process. I don’t fight him as he pulls me to dry ground. He sets me down and we lock eyes. Speaking in silence. A calm falls over me as I feel his energy come down. I want to kiss him but I don’t. I can’t. My eyes are drawn to the red mark on his face from my fist. Maybe I didn’t have to hit him. But in the moment he deserved it. I won’t apologize. Still looking at me, he takes a few steps back before turning to walk away.

I instinctively follow him into the woods. Back toward our gracious dead family’s home. Our home. He glances back at me as he walks ahead, his crossbow over the worn angel wings on his back. 

I am tired. Hungry. Drained. Dizzy. “I don’t feel so good..” I say, my palm to my forehead. I begin to feel extremely fatigued, lightheaded and a bit nauseous. Dehydrated. Physical manifestations of the emotional turmoil endured since the moment he walked away last night.

“Gotta get you out of them wet clothes. And fed.” his voice lower. Calmer.

I stop walking. My knees feel like they are going to buckle. I lean against a tree, my head spinning. “I need to sit for a minute.” I sigh, “Go ahead. I know my way”

Daryl grunts, effortlessly scooping me up into his arms. I wrap myself around him, resting my head on his shoulder like a child. I feel his heart beating and instantly feel better. As crazy as it sounds, with every ‘fight’ we have, when it’s all said and done it makes us stronger. Brings us closer. It’s as if while we are screaming at each other, we are breaking barriers down one at a time. Revealing a little bit more. 

I decided I would do my best to scale back. Love on him less. Take my time. But I couldn’t promise it would work. I keep looking for a verbal confirmation from the mysterious man I am falling in love with. Wishing he would tell me he cares about me. Tell me he loves me. Or at least likes me. The reality is, he has been showing it all along. Taking care of me. Feeding me. Carrying me when I don’t think I could make it any further. In every sense. If he could never tell me he loves me. If he truly is incapable of that. I’ll know he does. I’ll know he cares. And it’s all I need. Daryl Dixon, I will take you any which way you come at me. As long as it’s me you’re coming to. 

I nestle my face in the soft skin and curve of his neck. Breathing him in. Bringing back all the feelings and sensations from our night together. His scent intoxicating me further into the daydream of doing it again with him. Placing small kisses all over the wondrous landscape of his body. Letting him do whatever he wants to me in return. Take me any way he needs to for release. Blasting off to our own little planet. Where no one else exists. He is mine and I am his. The song in my head plays on repeat as my man carries me home.

 

"Will you stay with me my love   
For another day?   
'Cause I don't want to be alone,   
When I'm in this state.   
Will you stay with me my love?   
'Til we're old and grey. '  
Cause I don't wanna be alone.   
When these bones decay.."


	17. Race City, USA..

Mom. Where are you? Trying to conjure you up yet I can't seem to remember your face. Why can't I remember you? The voicemail you left. The terrifying tremble in your voice. It was all I had left of you when the world went to shit. Now just a mumble in someone else's memory. Someone else's life. That girl, your baby girl. Your only daughter. She's gone. Everything is gone. Like it never even happened. I said so many things I didn't mean. Didn't say things I wish I had. I'm so sorry I couldn't be the one you dreamed of. The perfect little angel you and Dad were so excited to meet as your belly swelled. The one you needed. I'm so sorry that I came out so fucked up. So lost. I just hope that wherever you are, whoever you're with now.. you can forgive me. Truth is, I was on borrowed time. We all were, Mom. And these horrible things were meant to happen to us. It had to happen. And I realize that now. It brought me to where I belong. It brought me to him..

 

"Chase!" Daryl screams as he pushes his body against the door. I hear his voice. Calling my name. I hold onto it as I'm snapped back into reality. It was all happening so fast, "Chase! Look at me!"

They found us. He said they would and they did. We were making too much noise. We had to have been. They heard us laughing. They heard us trying. We were too alive and that wasn't allowed anymore. We should have known better. Tipped them right off in our direction. My heart jumped from my chest. I couldn't hear anything but my pounding pulse. The blood rushing loudly, painfully through my veins. And the sounds.. the God awful sounds. There were so many of them and they were pushing their way inside. My arms were on fire. My shoulders aching and burning. I felt as though they would break off if I pushed any harder. And I did. The weight of the dead threatening to crush us. Our home. Our perfect little illusion of safety and normalcy.

"Get your shit!" His voice strains as the door cracks open some more, revealing stray rotted arms. Flesh peeling from bone. Clawing. "Run out the back! Keep runnin'! As fast as you can! That stream! I'll meet you there!"

"No!" I plead, tears welling in my eyes "I'm not leaving you!" I push as hard as I can. Pushing my small frame to it's limits.

"Dammit, girl! Grab your shit and go on! I'll be right behind you! Now go! Hurry!" He's confident. Strong. But I can hear the fear and uncertainty in his voice. The look in his eyes.

"I am NOT leaving you!" I cry out in protest. Staring into his eyes desperate and afraid. "We go together.. or not at all!"

The dead are stronger against our exhausted resistance. Daryl and I silently argue for what feels like an eternity. Time slows. Stands still, even, for the few seconds we lock eyes I am quietly screaming. Begging. He gets it. I refuse to go anywhere if it's without you. As scared as I am, I am prepared to die, Dixon.. If it means dying with you..

He struggles, pushing. Slipping. Sweat dripping from his brow "Fuck.." He closes his eyes for a moment before nodding toward my bag laid on the floor across the living room. "Run grab it.. I'll hold 'em.."

I glance over at the backpack, then back at Daryl "I'm not leaving this cabin without you! I’m not!"

"I'll be right behind you! Now go!" He turns his back to the door, leaning into it as hard as he can. Mustering up all of the strength he has left.

I believe him. I trust him. I have to. I sprint across the room, bending over to scoop the bag. Throwing it over my shoulder as I grab for the crossbow leaned against the wall. I spin around and freeze in horror. My heart beating so fast causing my entire body to shake. I'm trembling as I watch him fight for our lives against deaths reaping. His muscles visibly straining. The clawing and gnawing. The moaning and growling. Come on, Daryl..

"Now! Go!" He pushes off and the dead pile in. He grabs the crossbow from my grip as we run through the cabin. A sense of safety in feeling him close behind me. The back door is secured. Small window, boarded. Shit. Fuck. I fumble to force the locks free as I feel Daryl's chest rising and falling rapidly against me. My hands are shaking. The sounds grow louder. So loud now. They're coming..

Daryl moves me out of the way and begins to kick the door down. If I had been able to unlock it faster, he wouldn't have had to. Sloppy. So fucking sloppy. But there's no time to beat myself up. 1 and then 2 and then 3. Fuck.. 5. The door finally unhinges, crashes against the unforgiving ground and we run. We run as fast as we can into the woods behind the cabin. I look back, tears in my eyes. It was our home. And now it belonged to them. I guess it always had. I just didn't think they'd come this soon to claim it. Daryl knew better. He warned me. I just didn't want to believe it.

I want to stop, but I can't. My body is scolding me to slow down. My lungs hurt and my throat burns when I breathe. Like tiny, hot needles piercing my esophagus. My bones feel as if they are cracking. Breaking apart with every pound of my soles against the cold hard ground. The Summer days had come and gone, making way for the cool Fall air. The leaves beginning to turn their oranges and reds. The beautiful colors of death. I want to stop running but I can't. We can't.

Daryl's breaths are shorter now. Jagged, gasps for air in harmony with mine. I glance back. I can’t see it anymore. Our home. Lost behind the trees. Swallowed right up. Gone. A small whimper escapes my lips as we run. And run. And then run some more. Just when I think I would fall apart, there she was. The constant, beautiful flow. Our aquatic goddess. We finally stop running and fight hard to catch our breath, looking at each other. Speaking in silence. Daryl leans over, his hands on his knees. I push my hair from my face and let out a cough as my lungs work overtime. Wincing and wheezing with each gasp for air.

I can't stop looking back. In the direction of what was no longer our home. I close my eyes and imagine the dead tearing it apart. Destroying our late family’s beloved cabin they so graciously allowed us to borrow. I guess that’s exactly it. Our number was called. Our time was up. And now here we were, back to square one.

“It’s gone”, he speaks between breaths. That low raspy voice. Reading my mind.

My heart stings. There’s a pit in my stomach. My eyes water as salty tears sit behind raw lids, waiting in line to jump ship. It meant more to me than just shelter. A warm bed at night. It was so much more to me because it was in that cabin that I fell in love with Daryl Dixon. My eyes find his again and the storm inside of me instantly calms. Clouds parting revealing sun and blue skies. Our cabin was gone. But home is with him. Wherever we are.

“You alright?”, he asks.

“Yeah.” I reassure with uncertainty. Trying to convince him and myself. My mind running in circles. What do we do now? Maybe we got too comfortable back there. Maybe the powers that be wanted to shake things up a bit. Fucking assholes. The all too familiar feeling of loss wrapping me up in it’s dark clutches.

Daryl plops down on the ground. Almost in a collapse. A wave of exhaustion threatening to knock us down. I take my backpack off, unzipping it to pull out a plastic water bottle. Laying the bag down in front of us before sitting next to him as he sets his crossbow on the ground. I open the half full bottle and hand it to him. He takes it and thirstily drinks before handing me the rest. I want to scream out and cry. Back out here in the woods with nowhere to lay our heads.

“I know it was inevitable. It’s just the way it is...” I pull my knees to my chest, taking a sip of the warm water. Slowly catching hold of my breathing. Holding back tears, my voice cracking “I just can’t fucking believe they took our home. We could have made it in there. We could have.”

“We will.” My hunter nods, “This ain’t it. Gonna keep goin’. Find another place.” He looks at me, “A better one”

Better than what we had? I just don’t know. But I trust him. I trust this man more than I have ever trusted another human being in my entire existence. More than I trust myself. He’s so much smarter than I could ever be. He can see things I can’t. He is the logic to my lunacy. The soothing voice to my over emotional terror. The life raft to my sinking ship. I take a deep breath in and then out. He was right. He always was. We were gonna be ok. This was just another roadblock. Reminder that we can’t have it easier than anyone else. Or at all. We will always have to fight for it.

“What do we do now?” I ask, still trying to compose myself. The weight of our uncertain survival crushing me. “Where do we go?”

“We head South. Georgia. Further even,” He plays with his lighter. Flicking the top of the zippo off and on again, “Ain’t that where ya’ll were headed? Since the beginnin’?”

My brother and I. I nod.

“Then we go South” Daryl pulls out his cigarettes and lighter. “Shit.” he mumbles as he pulls a half smoked loosie from the now empty pack and lights it.

“It doesn’t matter anymore.” I rub my arms as my body temperature starts to come down. The cool air kissing my colorful skin. “I go wherever you go. In any direction”

Daryl looks down at his mini cigarette, seemingly in thought. As if unsure of exactly where he was headed before we crossed paths. He told me he’d been with a group of people. But had left it at that.

“My brother is dead.” The words slice at my insides as they come up, watching him take a pull of the miniature smoke between his fingers, “But there’s a chance that your people are still out there.”

Piercing blue eyes look up at me through shaggy brown hair as he exhales, holding his arm out in an attempt to share his cancer stick with me.

 

Oh Dixon.. Those sweet little gestures. I shake my head with a half smile. You smoke your cig, gorgeous. Enjoy it. I slightly shiver as the cool breeze picks up. Quickly realizing that I didn’t have my long sleeve on me. Or in my bag. Fuck.

Daryl struggles to take another pull from the fast burning cig without burning his lips and fingertips. Sucking that last bit of smoke in, savoring it as if it would be the first and final time he would ever experience the sensation. He quickly tosses the butt away and takes his vest off, unzipping the long sleeve black hoodie he wore underneath, “Take this”

“No.. I can’t..” I shake my head, holding my hand out in protest.

“Got no choice.” He mumbles, throwing the oversize hoodie over my cold, bare shoulders. Still warm from his body. He slides his vest back on over his gray plaid sleeveless shirt. Those strong, muscular arms exposed to the cool air.

“Now you’ll be cold.” I grip the edges of the hoodie and wrap myself in it. Safe and protected.

“I’m good.” He looks around for a moment. Up at the sky. “We should keep it movin’. Don’t wanna waste daylight”

“Are we in Virginia?” I felt stupid for not knowing. Worse for verbalizing it.

“North Carolina.” He scoops up his crossbow, “West of 21.”

“It amazes me how you can know that. I’d be lost without you. Literally.”

Daryl fiddles with his weapon. Checking it over as if gearing up for war. Awakening my nerves. Muddled sentiments mixed with contradicting thoughts. I look out at the water. Her beauty taking me away from the situation at hand. A temporary escape from the things to come. The things I pray to whatever God may exist never find us. But they will. They always do and when that time comes we will have to do whatever it takes to keep each other alive.

“I want to take you to Manhattan. When this is all over.” I smile, imagining for a moment all the places I would show him. The places he’s never been. The fun we could have together in the big city. The lights and the bars. The music and the art. The food. Oh the food.

“Alright.” He mumbles.

“There’s gonna be a world after this. There is.” I’m apprehensive. Trying to hold on to the hope that we would make it to bear witness to an even better world than the last.

“Few more minutes. Then we keep it movin’.”

“Ok..” I snap back to the harsh reality from my momentary optimistic daydream.

“Unless you got a better idea..”

I let out a dry, sarcastic laugh, “Not at all.”

 

The further from our cabin we walked, the heavier my heart. Pulling me down deeper into the dark notion that we are greater exposed to the living and the dead with each step. It was the living I feared most. This world making it easy for those most compassionate to be stripped of their humanity. To kill at will. React first, ask questions later. I know this. Because I wouldn’t hesitate to put a bullet in anyone’s head if they so much as look at Daryl the wrong way. Priorities change. Shit fucking happens.

“Two of ‘em..” My hunter aims his crossbow as I grip my blade. One quick arrow through the rotted skull of the once living taller man. I charge the other corpse, gritting my teeth as I feel it’s body go limp from the inflicted wound to it’s brain. It’s weight drops to the ground as Daryl steals his arrow back. We glance at each other for a moment. A quick nod from my unspoken love before we continue to walk.

We walk for hours. Close enough to the highway to see what was out there, but far enough to not be seen. The thought of heading into any city, terrified me. A big city girl afraid of concrete and tall buildings. The amount of dead that most likely roamed the streets. Manhattan had turned into an overpopulated hysteria death trap in a matter of 24 hours. The dead had won by K.O. in the first round. I can only imagine every other city down the East Coast would have suffered the same fate. Leaving legions of those fuckers roaming around just waiting for idiots like us to show up. On the other hand, we need supplies. And Daryl Dixon just happened to be one of said ‘idiots’.

“Welcome to Mooresville.” I stop in my tracks, “Race City” the large sign read clear as day. A checkered flag seemed fitting for decoration.

“We should move East… see what we can find. Sun’ll be goin’ down real soon.” He grips the strap of his crossbow as I nod in agreement.

Making our way across the deserted route to the other side of the woods. Woods that in my tired, hungry state, never seemed to end. I could feel the air expanding my empty shrunken stomach. The headaches and nausea came naturally. The new normal. I could physically feel the dark circles growing under my big brown eyes.

And then, It was as if someone parted the trees and placed a hint of salvation in the form of brick and mortar, “Ford.” I grab Daryl’s forearm, “A fucking Ford Dealership!”

“Mmhhmmm” He mumbles, keeping his cool, “Look’s like it’s already been run through.”

Cars and trucks scatter the lot. Reminiscent of a parking lot brawl. Some looked blown to bits. Others sat untouched. Dust and dirt about 2 inches thick cover the hoods. Daryl and I begin to explore the new territory. Ready for anything. A beautiful cherry red Mustang with black racing stripes catches my attention. I run my finger along the left front fender, tracing the curves of the magnificent work of American made muscle. Leaving behind a thin line in the dust that had settled for who knows how long. The words ‘God Help Us’ written in dirt on the driver’s side window. I swallow hard and attempt to open the door. It’s unlocked.

“That thing eats up fuel. Need somethin’ with a smaller engine” Daryl appears beside me, “Sure is bad ass though”

“5.0 Liter V8, about 450 horses under the hood. And she’s a manual” I gloat.

My hunter furrows his brow. He tilts his head, looking at me with slanted eyes.

“I used to dabble..” I blush, a shy smile across my face.

Daryl nods and shoots over a half smile to meet mine. I want to kiss him again. And again. Let him fuck me right over the hood. But there’s no time for that now. I sigh in frustration and roll my eyes as the dead find us. I close the door to my dream car and pull my blade. What sounded like 2 quickly turned into 5. Fuck. 6.

“We can take ‘em” I reassure as Daryl fires an arrow, taking one out.

He quickly reloads and wastes no time firing again as they come closer. I catch his eyes and we speak in silence as we both run over with our blades in hand. He kicks one over as I assault another on top of a 2010 white Ford Focus. The terrible moans of undead hunger, picked off one by one. My blade finds the mindless brain of the last one, squishing through decayed flesh and bone. Old, disgusting stagnant blood splattering all over me. All over Daryl’s Hoodie. Shit. My chest rising and falling as I look back at him looking at me.

He shakes his head and grunts, sarcastically “Always makin’ a mess. Can’t take your ass nowhere, huh”

I push my hair from my face as Daryl hands me his red rag, “Ass..” I snatch it and smile to myself as I clean off as best I can before tossing it back to him. “Let’s clear the inside of this bitch. Find the break room or the vending machine.”

“Come on” He digs the rag back into his back pocket, leaving half of it hanging out. I watch as he pulls both arrows from the heads of the dead.

Keeping our eyes peeled we enter the building through the service garage. A small plastic flapped opening, as part of the larger automatic door. Like a doggy door for humans. A coupe and a pickup truck still on lifts. The smell of grease tantalizing our senses as tools and car parts flood the room. Looks like whoever was here at the time of the outbreak just dropped their shit and ran. Understandably. I grip the straps of my backpack as we carefully make our way through to the main entrance leading to the rest of the building. The showroom. The offices. Holes in the floor to ceiling windows as if someone threw a bunch of baseballs through. So odd. Why wouldn’t they just break the shit down? Hmmm..

As we entered the offices and kept moving throughout the establishment, stray re-killed corpses scattered about. Somebody has been here. Somebody’s cleared this place already. The keys. Most of them gone. Right off the hooks. Broken locks.

I feel my stomach uneasy as it continues to eat itself. We open drawers and cabinets looking for anything we can find that may be useful. I almost cry as I find a small bag of pretzels and a pack of Reese’s peanut butter cups inside of a desk drawer once belonging to a 'Robert Jenkins'. Thank you, Robert. Appreciate it.

“Daryl!” I proudly hold them up before tearing into the bag and desperately munching on the stale treasure.

He emerges from what appears to be the last room to clear, “Check this out”

I follow his lead, swallowing faster than I can chew. Jackpot. The break room. Hung along the walls was an old Ford race car hood signed by Greg Biffle. A long table and some plastic chairs that reminded me of high school. An old microwave and a worn white fridge. There had to be food in here. I doubt when the shit hit the fan anyone stopped to grab their lunch before running for their lives. Placing the pretzels and peanut butter cups on the table, I open the fridge while Daryl raids the cabinets. Half drank 2 liter Cheerwine soda, some water, rotting fruits and old moldy untouched lunch. The smell was terrible. I grimace, grabbing for the drinks and quickly shutting the door. I turn to see Daryl holding a box of crackers and a few protein bars.

“Ha haaa!!!” I excitedly plop my finds on the table and run to hug him. He stands still, holding the items out, awkwardly.

We sit and have a motherfucking gourmet meal in the back of the dealership. Being careful not to have more than our fill to conserve. I stuff the rest in my backpack and we decide we would stay here for the night. Daryl secures the door and we set the table in front of it. I pull a votive candle from my backpack and place it on the table for Daryl to light with his zippo. I take the oversize hoodie off and lay it on the floor to act as a cushion for me to lay down. My hunter sits besides me as the sun takes it final bow before setting up the moon for the night.

I lay back, looking at my hands and my arms in the dim candlelight. A visible scar left behind along delicate inked skin. Several weeks later since my meltdown, I am unable to conjure the same feelings. I am changing every single day. Into a stronger better equipped version of myself. I am still me. Just modified. Version 2.5. Daryl and I. We were both changing.

Daryl randomly grabs at my wrist and holds it up, wrapping his thumb and middle finger around to take measure, “Damn tiny little thing, ain’t ya”

My bony, small appendage paling in comparison to his much bigger, stronger hands. The usual. I raise an eyebrow, a smirk across my face. You know I’m tiny, Dixon. A lot smaller than you in every way. And I know you get off on it. I stare at him as he dangles my wrist between his fingers. Those rough sexy hands. Hands that have been all over my body. Inside and out.

My hormones begin to rage like a pubescent teenager. The butterflies I have become accustomed to, dancing around in my belly. All he had to do was touch me to drive me crazy again. After a long rough day, it might be something we both needed. We wouldn’t be spending the night in our cabin for the first time in weeks. But it didn’t mean we couldn’t make ourselves at home anywhere we were. If just for the night to keep safe.

Daryl doesn’t let go of my wrist. Instead he takes my arm over his lap and looks at my tattoos. I turn to face him, watching him study the lines and colors as best he could in the dim light. He melts my heart. Simply torches it, turning it to goo made of tissue and blood. I love you Daryl Dixon. I love you so fucking much it hurts.

“Crazy day, huh” I softly speak, his touch sending electric jolts through my entire body.

“We’ll get one of them cars goin’ tomorrow. Find supplies and food. And fuckin’ smokes” His tone matching mine.

“Sounds like a plan” I yawn, “You tired?”

He shrugs, “Kinda… you sleep. I’ll take watch”

I yawn again, “I don’t wanna sleep yet. Wanna hang with you some more”

Slight laughter escaping his lips, “I ain’t goin’ nowhere.. But you need rest. You’re tired and you’re fightin’ it”

He’s right. As always. I feel myself begin to let go and invite the sandman in to take me away, “I’ll be hanging with you in my dreams then, Dixon.” I mumble.

“Whatever you say, Sanchez” A timid smile in his voice.

I close my eyes as my arm sits limp in his lap. His hand still loose around my wrist, generating a safety blanket over my body and conscience. Allowing me to succumb to the slumber that I had been shooing away. I felt comfortable around him. Comfortable with him just being. No longer going off the deep end worrying why he hated me or what he was thinking. Why he couldn’t talk to me about what he was feeling. That shit was irrelevant.

It had been weeks since Daryl and I first slept together in our late lover’s bed. A few weeks since our relationship began to rapidly change. Unspokenly. Intensely. I no longer needed verbal validation from my mysterious lover. Each time we had sex, it was as if the walls we built around us began to come down. Just break apart revealing more of him. More of me. I allowed him to have me however he wanted, whenever he wanted. As gentle or as rough as he needed it. And although we never cuddle afterwards, never hug or kiss or say ‘I love you’, I’ve never felt closer to anyone in my life. The perfect balance of give and take. Exchanging of energies. Communicating without ever saying a word. I know he will never intentionally hurt me. I know, to him, I am more than a piece of ass. I accept him the way he is. I don’t take offense anymore. I don’t. Because I can’t. I am different with him now and he is different with me. Since our bodies and hearts began to learn one another. In ways that I am unable to explain. But I feel it. I see it and I completely believe that he 100% cares for me. See’s me as his. Whether he fully understands it or not. Whether or not he will ever verbally admit to it. It is and we can never go back to the way it was before.


	18. All Came To Spill Their Guts..

I am continuously growing. Evolving. Into the person I was always meant to be. The lead role in the great big movie of life that I was always meant to play. Each time I go to sleep. Each time I dream. Those good dreams. Those terrible nightmares. Each time I wake up and see his face. Every single time, I am unlike myself the day before. In the thirty something years I’ve dragged my ass around New York City, I hadn’t quite begun to develop or advance at all. Not until the crumble of civilization as we know it. Not until that permanent dark cloud appeared and the dead began to reanimate and walk the Earth. I had been a stagnant piece of shit. Until him. And now, I am a constant flow. Just like the beautiful bodies of water I admired. And I could be his life source. I could be the calm salvation to his chaos. His escape from his tormenting memories. The piece of reality better than his dream world. The best part of his day. I could be to him what he is to me. I could be the imperfect love of his life.

 

My lids flutter like butterfly wings as my eyes roll back. Shallow, rapid breaths race against my pounding pulse. My skin, hot and beading with sweat. Bony knees red and burning from digging into the floor. The black hoodie under me, doing it’s best to offer cushion as Daryl’s grip intensifies. Squeezing the soft delicate skin of my round little ass as he slams himself into me. Hard and deep. Over and over. I cry out in a glorious blend of pleasure and pain. Reaching and scratching for something to grab on to, but there’s nothing. I grip the sleeve of the hoodie and bite down on it as I helplessly yelp with each driving thrust. The loud sounds of flesh violently smacking against flesh. Eagerly, I welcome his hands gripping my curves. Widening my legs a little as my knees shake. It felt as if I was being stretched more than usual. My petite insides could only take but so much. His cock is so fucking big. Extra hard and enraged. And at this angle, I swear I feel him in my stomach. Tearing me up in a fit of blissful torture. And I need it. I fucking love it.

Just when I think I can’t take anymore, strong muscular arms wrap around my tiny waist. Pulling me up against him, still inside me. I turn my head to look back at him, our lips finding each other’s immediately, but only for a second.

“Turn around” My lover orders. But instead of allowing me the opportunity to obey, he lifts me, laying me down on my back. Manhandling me. Turning me on even more.

I look up at him, biting my bottom lip as he spreads my slender thighs and finds his way back inside my tight molten center. God, yes. I gasp and moan, bringing my hand to massage my swollen love button as he fills me with every inch, moving his hips just the way I like it. The way he knows I like it. I can no longer control my body. The look on my face. The sounds escaping my lips. I prop myself up onto my forearms to get a visual. Both of us drowning in lust.

“Look..” I say in a breathy whisper.

Daryl watching as my pretty pink hole devours him. His thick shaft slick and wet from my juices. He lets out a moan through parted lips, slowing down his thrusts to take it all in. That beautiful strong dick attached to an even more beautiful and powerful man. Beautiful soul. Beautiful heart pumping beautiful blood through that fucking beautiful body. My lustful eyes find his again. Flushed cheeks and shiny sweaty faces. Exchanging silent words and energy. I love how I feel when you are inside me. Penetrating me. Becoming one with me. I absolutely love you. I fucking love you so much, Daryl Dixon. Please, make love to me.

I reach out, pulling him down on top of me. His warm body pressed against mine. I run my hands through his messy hair before gripping him tight, his thrusts intensifying as I buck my hips to meet his. I wrap my arms and legs around him, tangling myself up with him. Trying to get closer. Aching to be closer. Gently biting the soft skin of his neck as our bodies move in perfect rhythm. I feel as though I might explode into a billion liquid pieces as I start to climax. The way he moves and grinds into me. Receptive to the way my body reacts to him. The sounds I make. He knows exactly what he’s doing. I shudder. Convulsing under him as I dive over the edge of ecstasy. Jumping to my death only to be reborn again.

“Cum for me..” I moan into his ear as I grab his ass and pull him in deeper.

“Fuck..” He mumbles into my neck, letting out a long moan as he pulls out, leaving me empty again. My body insatiably yearning for him to come back inside. He finishes all over my lean tummy as I squirm under him, wishing the moment would never end.

I squeeze my humble breasts and let out a soft giggle as Daryl grimaces at the sight of the pearly cum on his hand. He shakes his head and wipes it on my thigh, “Gee, thanks” I laugh.

He slaps me on the side of my leg before getting up to clean himself and get dressed. One thing Daryl didn’t like to do is be naked for longer than he had to be. He would keep his shirt on had I not begged him to take it off every single time. The scars all over his back and body made him uneasy. To me, they were beautiful. A reminder that he went through something terrible and lived to tell about it. It usually took him some minutes after sex to recover. To come back to me. Never rolling over to cuddle. Never laying down to relax for a minute and bask in the incredible, tingling orgasm that was still coursing through his body. Not Daryl. He would anxiously pace around. Leaving the room if he could. Dig his fingernail into his lip and nervously play with his hands as he most likely replayed every detail over in his head. I’m not sure exactly what he was feeling. What was wreaking havoc in his heart and mind. And I let him be. Let him deal with the things we did in his own unique way.

Once dressed, he paced around the room, looking out of the small window. Contemplative. Having a moment to himself. He then sat on top of the counter and watched me wipe his dead babies into a flimsy cheap lunch napkin. The thin piece of paper goods crumbling and ripping apart.

“Good morning!” I beam. Smiling from ear to ear.

“Sorry… for waking you up like that..” He blushes. A hint of shame in his voice.

“Best way to be woken up.” I smile as I begin to dress. Starting with my old worn bra. 34 A black demi. “Besides, I was dreaming about you anyway.”

“Stop.”

“Don’t tell me you’re gonna be shy” I slide my tank over my head, pulling the thin worn fabric down.

He uncomfortably clears his throat, “Throw me them pretzels”

I shake my head, a smile across my face. Changing the subject, huh. Pulling out the old bag of tricks. “It smells like pussy in here” I scrunch my face as I toss him the bag.

He catches it, immediately tossing one in his mouth. He nonchalantly speaks while crunching down on the stale goodies, “Must be your upper lip.”

“Or yours.” I grin, feeling my face burn red as I wiggle my hips into my skinnies.

Daryl stares at me, a mouth full of pretzels. His shaggy hair over his eyes. Those cute fucking ears taunting me. I do my best to fix my hair before grabbing his hoodie off the floor and slipping it on.

I walk over to my hunter and stand between his legs, wrapping my arms around him. As usual, he tenses up. As usual, he doesn’t hug me back. I rest my head against his chest, his heart still beating fast. A sigh escaping my parted pouty lips. A sinking feeling in my gut as my mind takes me to the day ahead. Back out there. I try not to overthink the horrible things that could happen and just take it one minute at a time. But when you have so much to lose, it’s not that simple. I held my entire life in my arms as I squeeze him tighter, never wanting to let go.

“We gotta get goin’ “ He spoke in his raspy drawl. I could listen to him talk for hours on end if he wanted to. If he could.

“I know..” I dig my face into his chest. His scent intoxicating. Breathing life into my lungs as I pulled him in. I wish he would hold me. But I can’t dwell on that. I won’t.

I study his breathing. Memorizing the rhythm of his pulse like a favorite song getting stuck in my head on repeat. I don’t want to part from him but I have no choice. As I let him go, I look up into those sleepy blue eyes, looking down at me. Words behind his teeth, caught in the back of his throat. Never to be uttered. Trapped forever and ever. I slide my hands down over his thighs as I take a few steps back. Turning around to grab my backpack. I hear the bag in Daryl’s hand crinkle as he reached in for more pretzels. Crunching sounds echoing about the otherwise noiseless room. A smile across my face because every little thing he does is just so damn cute to me.

Daryl hops down from the counter, still crunching away. He crumbles the empty brown plastic bag into a ball and tosses it at me, hitting me in the arm. I shake my head unable to wipe the grin from my rosy cheeked face. Reminding me of a school boy with a crush. Throwing things at her and picking on her. Anything to get her attention then running away. Maybe it was all in my head. Maybe I made it out to be more than it really was. But goddamn if Daryl Dixon doesn’t have the biggest crush on me.

I help him move the table away from the door before we make our way toward the lot. That Ford Focus. The one splattered with the old decrepit blood. The same blood splattered all over Daryl’s hoodie. We scavenge the discarded keys. It takes a while, but we find exactly what we are looking for. Grabbing a few tools on the way out, just in case. I am on edge. Anxious. A little excited to take this adventure with him all the while scared shitless. Wanting to hide him from the world. Keep him safe in that room with me forever. Taking chances just seemed stupid now. The only thing we could hope for is that somehow, someway, we could get to wherever it was that we were going in one piece. Together.

 

As we cruise down the road to nowhere, I gaze out the window. Resting my head against the seat belt for make-shift neck support. The ride was smoother than I imagined it’d be in such a harsh world. The trees and leaves all dressed up for Fall. Gorgeous yellows and oranges. But that fiery red was my favorite. I watch the leaves dance about in the Autumn breeze as they fall to their final resting place. Those piles of leaves along the road just waiting to be played in. Tossed about by a bunch of smiling kids running around. Laughing. Having a blast. Simply, innocently living.

I look over at my hunter as he drives. That gorgeous profile. That nose. Those lips. I can’t help myself as I reach over and gently grab his earlobe, rubbing the soft flesh between my fingers. Finding it difficult to forget the way he looked naked and moving on top of me.

He tilts his head away from me, not taking his eyes off the road. I pull my hand back, a look of indifference stealing the soft smile from my face. Turning my focus back toward the window, I imagine we are on a road trip across the country. Route 66. Taking silly polaroids as my man drives us off. Off to wherever the hell we end up because the truth is, it doesn’t even matter. And we would stop at the Rainbow Rock Shop where we’d take pictures with the huge dinosaur statues out front. Daryl would wear a cowboy hat and dark sunglasses, a cigarette sitting cool between his lips. A ratty old Lynyrd Skynyrd tee that fits him perfectly. I’d wear short denim shorts and cowboy boots. Red heart-shaped glasses adorn my sun kissed face while I suck on a cherry red lollipop, staining my pouty lips.

“You love me.” I blurt, my mind stuck between reality and the fantasies dancing around in my head.

“Nope.”

“Yeah… you do..” I smile and lean my head against the window. The last thing I’ll say. Let him have his silence for now. It’s ok. I’ll live in my daydream a little while longer.

I lose track of how long we are on the road, glancing over at my introverted lover. His face like stone. The most precious of stone. What was going on in that head of yours, Dixon? Do you see us driving across Route 66? The pictures I took of you in your hat that I’ll cherish forever? I know you do. I know it. I sink into the seat as I’m suddenly aware of the emptiness between my thighs. Still moistened from the things we’ve done. I miss him so much already. I hate how dependent I’ve become. Desperately craving my next fix.

“Hey.. Look at that..” My hunter’s voice snaps me back. Nodding for me to see what he sees.

A rest stop. Fuel up and grab a snack or two. A souvenir. Take a piss.

“It’s definitely already been run through.” I sigh. Losing hope immediately. Not wanting to be disappointed by all the things we need that we won’t find.

“So what. Let’s check it out. Might find some smokes” He pulls off the road and into the small parking lot. It definitely wasn’t a Walmart. Not even close. But it could have something.

He stops the car and shifts into park, silencing the low humming engine. We step out and look around. The cool air nipping at us as I fight to keep the oversized sleeves of Daryl’s hoodie from completely swallowing my small hands. Daryl grabs his crossbow from the back seat and throws it over his shoulder as I grab my backpack.

“What we need is ammo.” I place my hand on my hips as we look around. Assessing the parameter of the mini shopping center, “Some clothes. This is all I got.” I hold my arms out, “And it’s yours.”

“We’ll find some. We will.” He looks at me.

“Hopefully before the gas in this bitch runs out”

“Stop bein’ so damn negative, Sanchez.” Daryl slips his handgun in his pocket and secures his crossbow. “Come on..”

I nod and follow him toward the entrance. He pounds the door with his forearm and balled up fist. Hmmm.. if there were any deceased shitheads wandering around in there, now would be the time they’d make their unwanted presence known. But nothing. So far, so good. Daryl looks at me and I pull my blade as he opens the door.

“Lock’s broke.” He observes the broken piece of metal as we step inside. The place resembling the aftermath of a tornado. Shit tossed about everywhere. Shelves knocked over. Raided.

“Shit.” I bark, pushing the hair from my face. Bending down and rummaging through the old magazines scattered on the floor. ‘People’ with Jennifer Lopez and her fantastic ass gracing the cover. I skim through the pages of smiling glamorous celebrities. Perfect skin. Perfect bodies. Not a care in the world. I wonder if they’re all dead. Rotting away and dragging their decaying corpses along in their super expensive digs. Those elegant red carpet gowns specially made by equally putrefied designers. Just walking around. Aimlessly. Mindlessly following the newest trend sweeping the nation. Dead is the new black.

“Chase..” Daryl’s voice echoes from across the room.

“Daryl..” I stand to find him holding up a child size Dale Earnhardt, Jr hoodie.

“Might be a little big for ya” He sarcastically smirks, tossing it to me.

“So funny..” I shake my head, reacting quickly to catch it. A white zip hoodie with the ‘Mountain Dew’ logo on the back and the number ‘88’ plastered on the front. I take my backpack off and slide out of the large hoodie I’d been swimming in. I put on the baby one, zipping it right up. Aside from the slightly shorter arms and length, it actually fucking fits.

“Thanks, jerkface.” I ball up Daryl’s hoodie and throw it at him. He catches it, wasting no time putting it on under his vest as we continue to rummage through the picked apart disaster.

Tampons. Holy shit. I grab both boxes and shove them in my bag as I hear Daryl shuffling about across the room. A stick of secret deodorant, some shitty razors and a pair of sunglasses. I stuff them in my bag. Maybe I really don’t need them for survival, but a small sense of normalcy couldn’t hurt. And with that, I think we’re done here.

I make my way over to my hunter as he starts to walk toward me, proudly holding a carton of Parliament cigarettes and a few Slim Jims, “This all I got. Everything else is a bunch of bullshit”

“Yeah. Nothing left.” I say as he rips open the Parliaments and grabs a pack, handing me the rest of his loot to stick in my backpack as we walk out of the dark store back into the cool air. The sun shining bright. I pull out my new dark square shaped sunglasses as Daryl wastes no time lighting a cigarette.

“You look silly.” He says, blowing smoke at me.

“You look like a dirtball.” I counter. “Gimme one” I hold my hand out as Daryl holds up the open pack. I randomly select a cancer stick and raise it my lips, allowing him to light me up. Taking a long pull, the smoke filling my lungs before releasing back into the atmosphere. I look over at Daryl, thoroughly enjoying his cig, squinting from the glaring sun. What I wouldn’t give to have him in another world. A greater world where every single day could be better than the last. Maybe he’d smile more. Speak more. Wrap his arms around me when people were looking.

“Gotta be more down this way” he points to another side road, East from what I can tell.

“Ok. That’s where we go then” I take one last drag before putting the cigarette out on the door, handing the rest over to Daryl for later. He pulls the key from his pocket as we walk over, opening the doors to our ride.

“Don’t you fuckin’ move asshole.”

An unfamiliar voice. A man’s voice. Deep. Calm. Aggressive. All the blood in my body rushes to my toes. My heart sinks as I’m suddenly staring down the barrel of a revolver. The identity of the savage gripping the gun, a blur as my heart beats out of my chest. I’m frozen. I look over at Daryl, a gun pressed against the back of his head. No. Please, no. He’s looking at me, looking at him.

“You best get that fuckin’ gun outta her face.” My hunter growls through clenched teeth.

“Or what, prick?” A different voice from the man holding the gun pointed at me. I flinch as the sunglasses are ripped from my face. The man throwing them to the ground, crushing them under his boot before cocking his gun and pressing it firmly against my forehead. My eyes locked with my loves baby blues in an attempt to read each other’s thoughts. My body heat rising. My skin hot as I begin to sweat. This isn’t happening. This can’t be happening..

“Listen.. We don’t want any trouble.. Just trying to make it, same as you” I try and keep my cool. Trying so desperately not to sound afraid.

“You gotta pretty mouth on ya, girl.” The man sucks his teeth, running the cold barrel down the side of my face, down the center of my chest. He sticks the barrel under the fabric of my clothing, between my breasts. He grips a chunk of my hair, yanking my head back. I let out a whimper from the sudden pain as he laughs, “Don’t she, Mur?”

“Let her go!” Daryl barks, instinctively pulling his gun, aiming at my attacker, "Don't fuckin' touch her!"

A slight panic coming over me as both guns are now pointed at Daryl. My hair still in this savages clutches. I reach for my knife but quickly rethink my actions. What did I think would happen if I stabbed this guy? They would easily kill us both. A bullet straight through my hunters head. I prayed and pleaded to whatever God may exist. Please, don’t take him. Don’t take my love from me..

“I said let her go!” Daryl demands. A look in his eyes I have never seen before. Rage.

“You don’t wanna be doin’ that now.. Real fuckin’ stupid move, son” The one called Mur cocks his gun, “We want the dang car. Them weapons. And whatever else you got.”

“I want her.” The pig gripping my hair, pulls my head back further, bending down to lick my face. His disgusting hot tongue, leaving a putrid trail of wet saliva. I want to puke. I want to scream. I want to rip his fucking balls off. Burn him alive.

BANG!

I jump out of my skin, my heart bursting through my chest as Mur’s head explodes. Blood and brains. I feel like I am out of my body as Mur’s lifeless weight falls to the ground in slow motion. The deafening sound of my pulse banging loudly in my ears.

Without a second thought, Daryl aims and squeezes the trigger. Enraged. Infuriated. The animal with his claws tangled in my hair, falls to the ground. Before I am able to comprehend the loud pop, the bloodthirsty slug leaving the barrel, screaming right through the pigs deserving skull. Blood staining my new hoodie.

My hunter. My savior. My beginning. My middle. My end. I run around the car and crash into him. My legs are wobbly, I am lost in a nightmare. I feel like something is chasing me. Something inhuman. An entity. I just want to wrap myself around Daryl and teleport. Far away from here. Far away from everywhere. But there’s no time for that. In my disoriented, unhinged state, I pull one of my guns, back pressed against his. We’re both aiming. Arms outstretched, sweaty palms clutching hard. Fingers on the trigger and ready squeeze. Erratically aiming. At who knows who. Or what. Just. What the fuck is going on? My eyes dart back and forth. Up and down. The sun beaming, forcing me to squint.

“You good?” Daryl asks.

“Yeah.” I have to be. Someone is watching us. And the truth is, whoever they are, helped us. A lone phantom gunshot. Clearly not intended for Daryl. Or myself. If they wanted to kill us they would have done it already.

“Come on out!” Daryl yells.

“Lower your weapons!” A voice calls out from across the road. A softer voice. A woman.

“Nah. Come out first!” Daryl barks.

“Can’t do that! We don’t know you!” Another voice in the distance. A man.

Daryl glances back at me. My attention immediately reverting to him for that few seconds our eyes meet.

“Well, we don’t know you people either!” I call out.

“We don’t want to hurt you!” The man’s voice, “But we will.. If it comes to it”

Daryl and I fidget. Glancing at each other. Back at the edge of the woods across the road where the voices seem to be coming from.

“We have the advantage here! Lower your weapons and no one gets hurt!” The woman’s voice.

“You have our word!” The man’s voice, again.

I blink my eyes, looking up to the bright sky. If they wanted to kill us, we would be dead. Whoever these people are, they are keeping us alive for a reason. Daryl places his hand over my gun, signalling for me to lower it. My heart racing. A bead of sweat rolling down my forehead. What other choice do we have? They can see us but we can’t see them. We were too exposed. Guns pointed at us ready to blow our heads clear off with one wrong move. Sounded like only 2, but who knew how many of them were out there. Surrounding us. Waiting.

“Guns, knives, all of it - On the ground!” The woman’s voice, "That crossbow. And that backpack."

I look at Daryl. He looks at me. A look of anger and defeat in his eyes. He nods and we do what the strangers say. Stripping ourselves of our prized possessions. I unhook my holsters. My guns and knives. Slip my backpack off. Daryl does the same, laying his crossbow on the ground. We set all of our weapons and belongings on the cold ground in front of us and I feel naked. Violated and raped.

“Hands up over your heads!” The woman orders and we listen, “Now turn around, face the vehicle.”

And we do. Unarmed and at a loss. I keep my eyes locked on Daryl. His chest rising and falling. His hair over his eyes.

“The girl, walk over to the front of the vehicle and get on the ground! Don’t move until I say so” The woman demands. I can feel Daryl tense up as she calls me out. His breathing faster and heavier. He looks at me, looking at him. I nod, following the instructions given.

“Good.. Now the guy, to the back of the vehicle. On the ground. Same deal.” The man now orders. I watch Daryl’s feet from my place against the cold harsh ground under me. He makes his way to the opposite end of our car. Creating a greater distance between us. Killing me slowly.

Suddenly, I hear shuffling. Boots hitting the pavement. Someone is standing over me, hands all over me, patting me down. All I can think about is what they could be doing to Daryl.

“Stand up” The woman’s voice, now closer. In my ears. She grabs my arm and helps me stand to my feet. Standing in front of her, she is much taller than me. Blonde. Pretty but damaged. Her long golden hair, up in a messy bun on the top of her head. Brown eyes, freckles softening her strong features. Chiseled squared jaw. She holds a long rifle in her right hand, down at her side. The man calls out to her from across the vehicle, Standing beside my hunter.

“He’s good” The man’s hand gripping onto Daryl’s arm as my archer stands to his feet, angrily pulling away from the man’s grasp.

“What do you people want?” Daryl grunts.

“Well..” The tall dark haired man. His voice deep yet somehow soothing. He walks over to our pile of weapons and kneels down, “You got some fine weapons here. Nice car.. Must have a camp..”

“We ain’t got no camp.” Daryl watches the man intently as he runs his hands over the crossbow. His brow furrows, balling his fists, “Do you?” He aggressively barks.

“Maybe..” The woman speaks, “I’m Joss. This is Kenny.” She tries to break the tension between us, “We aren’t the bad guys.. Just had to be cautious. You understand that don’t you?” She looks at Daryl.

“We get it.” I say, my eyes finding my hunters. “I’m Chase.. He’s Daryl.”

“Well, Chase. Daryl. Look’s like it’s your lucky day. You’re coming with us.” Kenny says with a shit eating grin, “But we’ll be holding on to these for now. Just as a precaution. Wouldn’t want this one getting too excited.” He motions to my archer.

“The hell with that. Them weapons are mine. And I’m takin’ ‘em!” Daryl growls.

Kenny grins, “They are yours. And you will...Where you from, Daryl?”

He doesn’t answer. Staring Kenny down. His eyes like stone. Kenny looks over at me, “Ok.. Chase, I gather you aren’t from around here..Not with that accent”

“New York.” I nervously look over at my counterpart. He stands, sideways. Defensive. Like a guard dog ready to attack. His energy is making the fine hairs on my neck stand up.

“Seriously.. Daryl..” Kenny speaks, “We aren’t going to hurt you. Like I said, we don’t want to. Just tryin’ to make it, same as you.. That’s what you said. Right, Chase?”

I keep my eyes on Kenny. Trying to read him as he speaks. Study his mannerisms while listening to my gut. My instincts. Trying to figure out if he’s full of shit. My mind is all over the place. And being so far from Daryl is starting to weigh heavy on me. My hunter is just a few feet away and I can’t stand it. I’m anxious. I need him.

“We heard the commotion. Saw what they were trying to do. Our instincts led us to believe that you were good people.” Joss explains as she attempts to size me up. Seemingly the same way I’ve been analyzing Kenny, “Truth is, we do have a place. And I know it may sound crazy, but we are extending an invite. Come with us. Help us.” She pauses, “And we’ll help you.”

“We don’t need no help.” Daryl grunts.

“Yeah.. I think you do.” She firmly speaks, “Either you have a nice set up and you’re lying through your teeth... or you really are out here alone with no place to lay your heads tonight. We’re offering you a warm bed. Some food. Take it or leave it. We don’t got all day.”


	19. **Daryl POV**

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is for Kristina <3 Thank you for this suggestion, had TOO much fun writing this. 
> 
> This is a quick piece from Daryl's perspective. His thoughts. His feelings about Chase and other things going on. Hope you like it as much as I liked writing it :)
> 
> I am working on the next official chapter as well.. should be up soon :)

That girl. That damn girl. She sittin’ next to me, lookin’ at me. I hate it sometimes. Them big brown eyes just straight starin’ right at me. Always tryin’ to get a rise outta me. Always wantin’ me to talk about feelin’s and shit. Why they gotta be like that an’ all? Girls. Better off without ‘em, Merle used to say. Then he'd go on and get himself about three of ‘em. But nasty lookin’ drugged out ones. That always had me confused. Never any good lookin’ ones he’d pick up. Then he'd fuck ‘em and say, them girls only good for one thing. Pussy. 

I ain't never wanted no part of that. Not with them girls. Not with no girls. Merle went and caught himself some shit fuckin’ around. Made his dick almost fall off. Then he got it all cleared up. Fucked a bunch of them same girls gave it to ‘em in the first place, caught it right back. What a stupid fuck. Merle would say the cunt makes you do crazy things. Act a damn fool for it. Had me thinkin’ I was good not doin’ all that in the first place. If the shit makes you crazy and dumb. And you get nasty shit oozin’ out the tip of your prick, then forget it. I never really liked nobody anyway. Never liked nobody touchin’ me. ‘Specially not like that. 

Merle and his fuckin’ friends. Would be silly to even call ‘em friends with what they’d be doin’ to each other. Beatin’ each other bloody over stupid shit at times. Dumb shit. Arguin’ over personal opinions on which of their beer tasted more like piss water. To me, they all tasted like straight asshole anyway so I couldn’t get to understandin’ why they felt they had to fight each other ‘bout it. They really didn’t like me. But I had nowhere else to go so I was always hangin’ around ‘em. Not really cause I deep down wanted to neither. They used to think it was ok to hit me in the face and in my gut if I breathed wrong ‘bout what they were doin’. I wasn’t no punk so I would hit ‘em right back. Got my ass kicked real good sometimes. Sometimes handed over the kickin’. Fuck ‘em all. They weren’t worth the dirt under my shoe. And I’d made sure they tasted it when I was stompin’ on them ugly faces. I guess it’s how I learned to fight. To really defend myself. Well, them same ‘friends’ used to call me all kindsa names ‘cause I was more quiet then they were and kept to myself. Said I was some kinda queer fag cause I wasn't gettin’ my dick wet up. I hate that word. Fag. And for the record, I ain't one. 

So them boys fucked with me my whole life just like everybody else. And it was good and fine cause while they were knockin’ them girls up, creatin’ worse off white trash bastard kids. And catchin’ every dick disease from A to fuckin’ Z. I was playin’ it safe jerkin’ it to dirty mags and shitty fuck movies. When it was done and I blew my load, no talkin’, no feelin’s, no naggin’, no cuddlin’, no herpes, no nothin’. I would feel a little embarrassed though. Guilty even. Sittin’ there with my dick in my hand. Even though no one could see me, it always felt like they could. Like someone was watchin’ me and feelin’ some kinda way about what I was doin’ with myself. I liked cummin’ but I hated lookin’ at it after. The first time I did it, I got sick at myself and threw up. I would never want nobody to ever know ‘bout that. I’m done thinkin’ about it.

That damn girl. Chase. Didn’t take me long to tell she had somethin’ off about her. I found her in the woods playin’ around with one of them geeks. Followed her for a bit but then it gave me anxiety so I killed it. Mostly, for my damn self. She Got this funny accent too. Says she’s from New York City. I ain’t never met nobody from up there before. And if I could say anythin’ ‘bout girls from up North just off spendin’ time with Chase, I’d say they were wild as all hell. Do whatever they want and say whatever they want. She got a mouth on her, that one. Fuckin’ this and fuckin’ that. Called me asshole a few times. Worse things. What gets me is how small she is. She sure is a slight, itty bitty thing. Ain’t no taller than 4 foot somethin’. Light as all hell too. I could toss her straight up in the air with one arm if I wanted to. Makes me crazy with how she can have all that fuckin’ mouth with such a small little body. She makes me feel bigger than I am. Stronger too. I ain’t felt that way not once in my life. Not with no one. Merle always shrunk me down to nothin’. Makin’ me not like myself very much. Makin’ me not wantin’ other people to like me neither cause I knew what a piece of shit I was. My father never had no problem remindin’ me just the same. But I don’t really wanna think ‘bout none of that right now, so I won’t.

That girl, Chase. Says she likes me. I just don’t get it. She thinks she likes me, but I know she don’t. I know better. No one likes me. And I don’t give a shit. But she says she likes spendin’ time with me an’ all. I think she’s full of shit. Might be off her meds for too long. Left ‘em back up there in her fancy New York box up in one of them skyscrapers. I know she’s got issues too. Cryin’. A lot. Gettin’ happy then switchin’ to pissed-the-fuck-off in a fingers’ snap. Then yellin’. Then back to cryin’ again. I guess that’s what girls do. She gets real hyper sometimes. Jumpin’ around and singin’ and yappin’. Always when I don't wanna be fuckin’ bothered. I'm so used to bein’ by myself an’ all that I'm tryin’ not to strangle her when she just wants to talk to me. See, she likes to flap her gums too much and I just like to not. We both get real mad sometimes cause I ain't got too much to say. I don't want to make her all upset over it, but I do. Cause when I open my stupid mouth, stupid shit comes out. And then we're fightin’ again. With that mouth she got, she said some things that had me thinkin’. Made it sting a little in my gut. I know I can be a dick. But I don't like hurtin’ people that don't deserve to get hurt. Little Chase, well, she don't deserve it. 

I'm a grown ass man but I can admit that I'm still wet behind the ears ‘bout some things I should be knowin’ ‘bout. I'm a bit older than her but I don't think that matters much. When you're a damn pretty little thing with an ass like she got, everybody’s gonna want a piece. And it's ok if she wanted them to have it. I would never punish nobody for livin’ life like that. Sometimes I wish I was able to, but I ain't. I do like them tattoos. She got her arms full up with ‘em. She got one on her leg too. Upper thigh and hip. Real colorful. Sexy, even. I never saw no girl havin’ herself inked up like that. But I'd be lyin’ to say I wasn't likin’ the way they looked on her. She really thinks she likes me like that. Like THAT. I get mad cause she lies to me ‘bout it but doesn't know she's lyin’. It makes me feel things. But not good things. Makes me feel like she's gonna like me until she doesn't anymore. And it's comin’. I'm not stupid. She's the type that needs to have someone when she's feelin’ alone. I'm the only damn one around. Don't count. She thinks she feels them things for me but she creates ‘em to not feel sad cause she ain't got nobody. I don't wanna fall into that mess. And I don't get too often to likin’ no girl. 

She tried to kill herself one night. I got her mad. Didn't mean to, but she gets so crazy sometimes and I’m not too equipped to handle it. Well she got mad then I got real mad. Told me we were both better off dead knowin’ damn well that's bullshit. I think it was more just me feedin’ off the things she was yellin’ and the way she was carryin’ on. A little of me wantin’ to help her but knowin’ that I can't. Me wantin’ to tell her that she's got so much to live for, then realizin’ that maybe she don't. Maybe none of us do. But she's here for a reason. She's gonna make it. I saved her life but I don't want credit for doin’ what I wanted to do. And I guess I made her feel like she owed me somethin’. Like I said, I open my stupid ass mouth and straight up stupid shit comes out. I didn't have to save her. I didn't have to have her with me. Still don't have to. But I don't do nothin’ I don't wanna do. And I'm glad she chose to live. Even though I wanted to rip that knife from her hand, I couldn't choose for her. Not that. So I let her decide on her own and she chose life for a little longer. Made me feel some kinda way. She shouldn't feel like that's the end. Cause it ain't. I shouldn't have ever been born. But I was. I guess I stayed findin’ somethin’ in nothin’. I kinda thought one day I wouldn't be so angry or sad. Maybe sad’s not the right word. But I never was too good at findin’ words for how I was feelin’. I guess what I'm tryin’ to say is I thought one day would be a good day. I would feel good on that day. For all these years feelin’ so bad, I was curious to see what that one good day might be like. 

Think I might have got a taste of that up in that room in the cabin. What Merle and them assholes stayed talkin’ bout. But I got it better than they ever did. And I ain't mad that they had all that before me. Cause I got the pretty one. And she's nice. A nice girl. I was a little nervous cause I didn't know what I should do. I mean, I know what goes on. But seein’ it and havin’ to do it are way different. The whiskey helped. I would have fuckin’ made a worse fool of myself if it wasn't for that damn plastic bottle of shit. I ain't never seen a naked girl that close before. In real life, anyway. I mean, I seen ‘em. But not like that. Not on top of me. She got the softest skin. Her hands are so small. She kissed me and I didn't know what to do. I made an idiot of myself right there in front of her. She didn't laugh but I know she wanted to. She didn’t not laugh neither. I wanted to just straight up leave right then and there but I couldn't. I mean, I didn't. I don't really know anything ‘bout any of this. But I know for the first time since ever, I wanted to see what it was like to be with a girl. My body started doin’ things I was only used to it doin’ when I was alone with them titty mags. So, she tried kissin’ me again and I let her this time. A part of me still didn't want to. Cause I got real nervous ‘bout not doin’ it right. And cause fuckin’ and lovin’ are two different things. And she got this fuckin’ dumb idea that she likes me. I just don't want to confuse things. But I think I was ready to get my dick wet. So I did. It was the first time I had sex with a livin’ breathin’ girl. It felt so fuckin’ good, I never knew it could feel so good. Never knew it could take me off somewhere else like it did. I felt kinda different while it was happenin’. And I don't know how to talk ‘bout it. But I had my shit together when I was fuckin’ her. Felt like I wasn't as much of a worthless piece of shit as I thought cause she let me do that to her. Cause she was a nice pretty decent girl from New York and I'm just some dirty redneck with nothin’ to offer. And I ain't at all pretty. Arguably, decent. But no one would ever know that cause I don’t show it too much. I felt the way a real man should feel when I was with her like that. Makin’ her like what I was doin’ to that slight little body. Thought I might break her cause she's so frail. She got small insides just the same. But man is she tough for lettin’ me do it to her. I was afraid I was hurtin’ her but she said she likes it. Only thing I hate is when it's over. I hate it. Somethin’ that good can't just be all good, ya know? I feel terrible after. I feel worse off than ever. I don't know what to say to even talk about it. I hate myself for shamin’ her. I shouldn't have touched her like that. She's naked and I made her take her clothes off for me. I didn't like that feelin’ of me gettin’ her dirty like that. Cause that's what it was. I made her all dirty. She made me a man and I got her tainted with Dixon dirt. I know I’m not like my brother, but still. I never liked hurtin’ nobody that don't deserve it and she definitely don't deserve it. I started to panic a little. And I didn't want her to see me act like that. And cause I was actin’ like that, I got real embarrassed. I didn’t like bein’ all naked in front of her neither. My body is all messed up. If she saw all my scars and shit, she would wanna know how I got ‘em. And I wasn’t tryin’ to talk ‘bout none of that. I hadn’t thought it through when she started kissin’ on me and my dick got hard. I just wanted to fuck her. Bad. So I went in like a horny kid, got mad at myself after and left. She's better off with me gone when I'm like this. So am I. But the way bein’ inside her like that makes me feel, the bad parts are worth it.

I ended up hurtin’ her anyway when I thought I was savin’ her from bein’ hurt. She got me real good in my face with a right hook. Little bitch. Got me thinkin’ I probably deserved it. I hate that I can't figure out how to act around her. I don't know what to say to her. I don't know what to do. I don’t understand what happens to me. Never had none of it happen before. She smiles at me and I try to smile back but I don't and then I get mad cause I can't fuckin’ act right. But she still thinks she likes me. She thinks she really likes me. I think she's gonna be like this until someone else shows up. And they will. We ain't the last two people on Earth. And I damn sure ain’t out here lookin’ for nobody to wife up. So when some other guy shows up, she can be with him. She's too good for me. Even though she got her issues. She only ‘likes’ me cause she ain't got no choice. Not like she can take her pick. And I won't be mad at her. I'll know it's comin’. I like havin’ sex with her. I'll really be mad about that part. That she could be doin’ those things with somebody else. Makes me real fuckin’ mad to think ‘bout it, so I won't. 

That damn girl. I get weird with her. She makes me uncomfortable most times. It's hard for me to even let myself think about it. When I start to, I shut it down real quick. I don't know how to feel about them things I'm feelin’. How fuckin’ stupid is that? She likes to touch me. But other times than when we’re bonin’. And we bone a lot. I must be makin’ up for lost times. But it just feels so fuckin’ good that I kinda need it. I think she does too. Better than any of them drugs me and Merle used to do. I like her body. So damn much. I like to see her like that. Naked and under me. She's got pretty parts about her. I like how her hips come out and her waist is so small. Looks so good from behind. I like her feet too. I'm fuckin’ strange. But I do. Cute toes. Ok. I'm not gonna think about this no more. I don't really wanna. But she - fuck. I think about her more than I want to. I never cared to think about nobody like that. I don't like it. I don't like that I kinda… don't… hate her. I hate not havin’ control over it. I'm all stuck cause I don't want to make her sad or mad at me, but I don't want to ever tell her anythin’ bout what I'm thinkin’. About nothin’. Cause I don't want to. Cause I can't. I just can't ever. The stupidest part: who fuckin’ gives a shit! We gotta be worryin’ ‘bout survivin’ and we're out here livin’ a goddamn soap opera! We must look like fuckin’ morons. Merle would laugh at me and say I was bein’ a pussy. He would probably find some way to call me a queer even though I'm havin’ me a whole lotta sex with the prettiest lady on the planet.. Then he would try to fuck her and I'd have to kill him. Fuckin’ savage world we live in. Them Dixon boys. Always gettin’ themselves into a heap of trouble. And that little one, Daryl, always playin’ the wrong cards. Fuckin’ losers.

I watch her when she’s sleepin’ more than I should. But I don’t sleep too well so what else am I gonna do, ya know? This girl can sleep. I think of it like she’s all hyper and crazy and then knocks out cause it takes all her energy. Like babies that need to take naps on schedule. That’s kinda funny to me. She looks nice when she’s asleep. Peaceful. How I wanna be, but I can’t be. I like that I can see that in her when she’s dreamin’. Makes me feel like there’s still hope in gettin’ to a better place. I ain’t gonna lie, sometimes I wanna say fuck it, but I don’t. I get tired too but I don’t let it force me into closin’ my eyes. I’ll sleep when I’m good and dead. Caught her smilin’ when she was sleepin’ a few times. Made me feel some kinda way. I like it when she smiles. I hate to admit it, but I think I like a lot of things ‘bout her. More than I should. But I can’t. I’m not supposed to. It don’t work that way for me. Like I said, it just can’t. I’m not that person. And I would say and do all the wrong things and I don’t wanna be the reason she gets all hurt. Cause I will be. And she don’t need all that. I already seen it happen with me and her. And, we got bigger things to worry ‘bout. Like, not gettin’ our asses bit. Not gettin’ shot up by some savage pricks. Things like that.

So I went and got myself into somethin’ I don't think I'm gonna be able to get out of. Not easily. Got my mind all fuzzy and I hate it. I fuckin’ hate this. Can’t be like that. But I would kill for her. And I have. And I’mma keep on doin’ it to keep her breathin’. I’m gonna fuckin’ keep her safe if it means I gotta die. Gonna get her to a safe place. It will be better for the both of us when we find more people. So she can have people around her who will be nice to her and take care of her. Not that she needs a babysitter, cause she don’t. But she should have someone around to protect her. She could find the real one that she don’t have to be lonely with and realize she was wastin’ it on me. And I won't be mad at her. I can't be. Cause I know it’s comin’. But I'll have to leave. I won't stay because I won't be able to. Cause I'll fuckin’ kill him. I'll slit his throat right in front her. It would break her apart. And I would never want to ruin her like that. Yeah... so, no. I'll set her up real nice for the rest of her life cause she deserves it. Then I'll go back to where I came from cause there won’t be nothin’ else for me. Maybe I'll find Rick. And Carol. Maybe I won't. But that girl, Chase, she'll be good. I'll make sure of it or die tryin’. She gave me somethin’ I ain't never had and I'm gonna return the favor.


	20. Wear Me Like A Locket Around Your Throat..

Days go by. Just go by. I must have finally fallen asleep between dark and darkest. Some time before the rising Fall sun threatened to pry my swollen lids wide open. Fuzzy, faint sounds of blaring horns and cars driving by. The scent of my own perfume on my pillow case from the night before. Flower Bomb. Black tears smudged around my eyes. Matching streams down my face. My makeup staining the cream colored cotton of the pillowcase. Is it Tuesday? I don’t know. Guilt coming over me sooner than I can piece together my own thoughts. Where am I? Who’s bed is this? I take my first conscious breath as it all comes crashing down again. The same as every day. Every morning. There are no city sounds outside my window. I am not wearing any makeup. I have not been crying. I am not her anymore. New York was hundreds of years ago. A past life. A blur. Deja vu. My dreams aren’t the same as they were when this all first started. My mom doesn’t visit me. My brother doesn’t. There is no afterlife. No golden fucking gates. No angels. No God. Not the God they taught us about in Sunday school, anyhow. That God, he doesn’t exist. It’s just us down here. And we aren’t any more special than the worms in the dirt. But he is. To me. Daryl Dixon. I grip onto the cold pillow next to mine, pulling it to my face. Breathing in the scent he left behind as the cool against my skin calms me. I don’t sleep anymore when he isn’t next to me. This bed, it’s ours. Daryl and I. Me and Daryl. And I don’t exist without him. Hit the pause button and hold my breath until he comes back. He’ll be back. I know he will. I just wish I could call him. Hear his voice. Even text him. Get those one word answers an hour later. I love him. I fucking hate this. 

I’m not upset that he left. I can’t be. I just can’t stand that he isn’t here. He didn’t kiss me goodbye. He didn’t hug me. Didn’t say he’d miss me. Didn’t ask me to come. Didn’t look back to see the look on my face. Me getting smaller and smaller in the distance as they drove off, right before the gate slammed shut. And it’s ok. I never expected him to. I would just never forgive myself for not grabbing him and telling him how I feel if it was the last time I’d ever get to do it. No. Fuck, no. I won’t think like that. He’s coming back. He’s smarter and stronger than anyone here and he’s gonna be back. Him, Matt and Kenny. They’ll all be back. These things take time, I know that. Kenny said they would be gone for a few days. Selfishly, I just don’t know how much longer I can live with this hole in my heart.

As I sit up in bed and stare at the muted sunlight through the curtain, I don’t want to leave this room. I don’t really like to. Ever. As if I have to reset the anxiety and safety meter every day. Every time I try to go outside. I feel the way I knew I would here. A fish out of water. Alone in the laughing, smiling crowd of familiar strangers. I only feel fully comfortable in my skin when Daryl is around. Period. The people we now survive with. They have names and faces but I’ve been unable to fully piece them all together. Mainly because I don’t care enough to. Don’t connect with these people enough to. It’s been almost 3 weeks since that day Joss and Kenny decided to help us. Since the dynamics of our whole shit changed. It wasn’t just me and Daryl anymore. And this place is something, it really is. I know they say strength in numbers. I get it. But here we were at the end of the world still trying to find our place in it. Still trying to fit in where we don’t. They let us have our own room and bathroom in one of the houses toward the end. Toward the dead zone. They have generators and solar panels. Running fucking water. I cried that first night in the shower. Balled for 20 minutes straight as I let the warm water cascade against my thirsty skin. But this is too good to be true and these people.. I could see the way they look at us. Me and Daryl. They look at him like some redneck neanderthal. Hunter, tracker, expendable caveman to send out on runs and do the dirty work. They don’t care that he’s a person too. They don’t see him the way I do. They use him. And because he’s Daryl, he won’t hesitate to help. It fucking makes me so angry. And me? Ha! Don’t even get me fucking started.. Could I be making assumptions? Possibly. But I can’t shake the feeling that something isn’t quite what it seems..

\---------------------------------------------------

 

“Mornin’, Chase!” An energetic female voice. I forget her name. Kristen, I think? Something like that. Her jeans a bit loose around her long slender legs. Her shoulder length brunette hair, always in a ponytail. Pretty blue eyes. Or green. Whatever.

I force the corners of my lips into a 3 second smile, “Morning.” I say. Not in the mood to stop and chat, I keep walking. Kristen or whoever, follows. Of course she does.. 

“Where ya headin’? Joss got a job for ya?” This girl is way too fucking peppy this morning. I would like to punch her in the jaw, “If not, we could use ya in the kitchen. Group dinner tonight an’ all.” 

“I don’t cook.” I push the hair from my face and pull the hood of my Earnhardt, Jr. zippie over my head. Hoping to send the antisocial signal. Please just let me be. The air much cooler now as the last of the leaves fall from the trees. Group dinner? It was hard to fathom that these kinds of things were still able to take place when Daryl and I were used to rabbit and barely edible vomit. 

Kristen places a hand on my shoulder, stopping me in my tracks, “He’s gonna be back. Kenny and Matt too. They always come back.”

I look at her, her smile turned serious. This girl who barely knew me, making me feel a little better in the moment. Reminding my racing thoughts of what I already knew to be true. I slide my hands down into my pockets and nod before turning to walk away. 

Days go by. Just go by. Days with them out there doing what they need to do for the greater good of the group. The group Daryl and I now found ourselves somewhat part of. A group that had welcomed us into their community. A sustainable, thriving community. North West of Race City. Off of Lake Norman. Small cul de sac that still smelled of new money. Amongst other things this world now reeked of. The southern rich and famous. Maybe racecar drivers. Maybe country singers. But definitely money. The paper evil that didn’t matter anymore. A few of the homes at the end were torn to bits. Invaded before the walls were built. Death lived there now. And they let it. Reminding us every single waking moment that we had to fight for this. Nothing was given anymore. That what happened just a few doors down, can and will happen again if we aren’t careful. Having the great lake of Norman right in our backyard created a sense of safety. A barrier against the living and the dead. But mostly, we hoped, the living.

I walk over to one of the guard posts. A long ladder up to the highest point near the entrance/exit. The very place I watched Daryl leave several days earlier. I climb up the long ladder, dragging my sleep deprived bones to the top. Tyler. His machine gun hanging close to his side as he holds a pair of binoculars to his eyes. He turns his head, still looking through the specs, pointing them down at me.

“Woah.” He laughs, taking them down, “The hell are you doing up here. Not supposed to be distracting me.”

“I’m not here for you.” I climb onto the post and sit at the edge. A deep sigh escaping my lips as I look off into the distance, “I’m not here at all”

“You look like you need a hug” Tyler stands with a grin on his face. He towers over me. Well over 6 feet tall. His dark blue bomber jacket, clinging to his muscular build. He wore army fatigue pants and black boots. He looked like a character from a movie. Last Action Hero or some shit. A character trying way too hard.

I scoff, “I don’t.” Coldly staring out at the road, “I’m good”

“I wasn’t offering..” He laughs, holding his hands up “Just saying. Heard you’re from New York. Been wondering how you made it down here. Made it this far” He stands. His shadow blocking the sun. He pauses, “I’m from Jersey, you know..”

“Jersey..” I sneer.

“You got a problem with people from Jersey, Ms. New York?”

“Did I fucking say I did?” I snap back, looking up at him. “Don’t put words in my mouth”

“Woah, woah.. I think we might be getting off on the wrong foot here. Let’s start over” Tyler kneels down next to me, holding his hand out, “I’m Tyler.”

“I know who you are.” 

“Informally. I’d like to start over. Please?” A kind smile on his face. “I’ll try again.. Hi. My name is Tyler.” 

I sigh, looking at his large outstretched hand. My eyes find his as he smiles, a single deep dimple at his right cheek. His features, soft yet masculine. Scruffy dark stubble and big round blue eyes. Resembling a sad puppy dog on the happiest day of his life. I look back at his hand, still waiting for some company. “Chase.” My small hand disappearing in his grip as I entertain a friendly shake. 

“Haven’t seen you around much since you first got here, Chase. Was hoping to get a chance to sit and talk. Kinda cool to run into someone else from up North, you know?” He takes a seat next to me, “I used to work in Manhattan. Midtown. Bet we’ve been to the same places”

“Those places don’t exist anymore. Makes no sense to talk about it.”

“I think it does. Even though it sucks a bag of hot dicks in hell, it still feels nice to think about the good times. The way the world used to be.”

I laugh, “Hot dicks in hell, huh? An entire bag of ‘em..”

Tyler laughs, “Glad we seem to have the same sense of humor.” He pauses “That guy. Daryl. Are you two... together?”

I’m caught off guard. My heart drops and my cheeks burn red hot. I don’t know how to answer that. I don’t know what to say. Do I confess that I want him to be my boyfriend more than I’ve ever wanted anything else? I’m madly in love with him but he might just like me sometimes? We’re just kinda friends with ridiculous amounts of benefits? I may or may not have literally memorized every freckle and beauty mark on his body? I blink my eyes, my lips parted. A deer caught in headlights trying to come up with the perfect explanation. I’ve never had to define the relationship between me and Dixon out loud before. Not to anyone. Not even to myself. 

“Daryl? Well..” I pause “I mean... umm”

“Just seems like you been moping around since he left.. and you two sleep in the same room..in the same bed .. but then again, I guess that seems about all.” He speaks matter-of-factly. 

“What does.. what’s that supposed to mean? You guess that's about all??” I squint, perplexed “How do you know our sleeping arrangements?”

Tyler’s eyes widen as he let's out a sigh, “Maybe I don't know your sleeping arrangements.. you're right. I don't know what I'm talking about.”

“No..you don't.” I stare a hole through him. Who the fuck does he think he is? I'm done here. I stand up and pat my pants clean, making my way toward the ladder. 

“Where you going?” Tyler throws his hands up.

I continue climbing down the steps, ignoring him. I don't need people in my business. I don't need to explain myself. I don't need to make friends and play nice. I'll hide in my room until my hunter returns. Fuck. This. Shit. All of it. 

As I stomp my way back, I hear Tyler yell, “Open the gate!” 

Stopping in my tracks, I lose my breath. Adrenaline coursing through my body, awakening senses that have been dormant since the day he left. Excited and nervous to see him. Since the day we met, this has been the longest time we’ve been apart. Those butterflies again in full force as I swear I feel his energy. He's back and I'm so fucking happy I could die. 

I don’t know what to do with myself as I watch the one they call Colt pull the gates open. The humming of the truck’s engine filling the air. I play with my hands, fidgeting nervously as the vehicle comes into view, breaching the entrance. Coming to a full stop. Matt opens the passenger side door and climbs out. Then Kenny. The two men greeting their comrades at the gate with nods before grabbing duffle bags full of scavenged supplies. My heart drowns in my stomach acid, the weight sinking them both as I realize Daryl isn’t with them. Gripping at my chest, I pull my hood off as I shake my head in disbelief. 

Kenny throws a duffle over his shoulder, reading my mind, “Don't lock it yet. Daryl’s coming” He orders. Colt nods.

Before I can comprehend, still clutching at my chest, the roar of a motorcycle in the distance grows louder. And louder. I can feel it in my bones, sending an electric jolt down my spine. Stirring inside of me. Daryl. And here I thought he couldn’t look more beautiful as he pulls up, the engine purring like a beast who has respectfully met it's match. The only one who could tame it.

I want to run to him. I wanna grab him. Kiss him. Reunite like in the movies where the only person in the crowd he sees is me. And we run to each other, pushing through anyone and anything standing in our way. Crashing like waves. Never letting go. I want to squeeze the life out of him and tell him what he means to me. What he does to me.

Finally, those ice blue eyes finding mine. The moment I’ve anticipated. I’m smiling uncontrollably, a blush tickling my cheeks. His hair is a mess. Windblown and all over the place. A hint of a crooked smile, stealing my breath away. A smile so slight, only I can tell. I tremble at the sight of him straddling the motorcycle. It’s chassis and aesthetics just as beautifully damaged as he was. Imperfect. Sexy. Dirty. Hauntingly alluring. We stare at each other in silence. Several feet between us. I shyly wave. He does the same. Fuck, Dixon.. How do you know how to set fire to every single nerve in my entire body? Electrify every cell?

He motions for me get on the bike, “Come on” That raspy drawl I’ve ached to hear again.

My eyes widen as my heart pumps a million beats per second. Anything for you. Anywhere with you. I run over and attempt to climb on. My short limbs challenging my ability to play it cool. 

“You got it?” Daryl looks over his shoulder as I straddle the seat, pressing myself against him. Wrapping my arms around him for dear life. His scent completely leaving me drunk in both love and lust. The warmth of his body. Those broad shoulders. Those fucking ears. I feel like I might explode.

“Fuck, I missed you.” I whisper, pushing into him as close as I possibly can. And it’s not close enough. 

He revs the engine. My body shudders at the power under us. 

“Hey, where ya’ll goin’?” Colt asks, holding the edge of the gate. His brow furrowed in disapproval. “Ya’ll can’t just be leavin’ like that!”

“Be back.” Daryl revs the engine again before taking off. 

I gasp at the sudden speed, tightening my grip around his waist. My knight in shining armor. Just like in my made up fantasies. I felt alive for the first time in days, feeling more like years. We sped down the narrow empty road, leaves dancing as we whizzed by. The engine screaming it’s throat out, violating the dead silence of a world once inhabited by the living. 

We began to slow down. The chill in the air nipping at goose-pimpled skin. A tremble over me as I loosen my grip around my hunter. He pulls over to a dead end side road, engaging the kickstand, silencing the beast. My heart begins to race as he glances back at me. I brush the hair from his face and kiss his cheek. 

“Hop off.” He says. And I do. I try to be more graceful and fail miserably, laughing at myself.

I watch my hunter dismount with ease. The visual of him on that bike driving me wild. He leans back against his ride, looking at me. Did you miss me, Dixon? Did you think about me every second as I thought about you? My mind raced. So much to say and not knowing where to start. 

“This baby was made for you.” I smile, coyly standing in front of him. “Where the fuck did you find her?”

Daryl’s eyes ripping right through me. Staring into my soul. He doesn’t say anything. And I begin to wonder if he even heard what I just said. His mind off somewhere else. He digs into in his pocket, extending a closed hand out to me.

“What is it?” I ask, curiously. 

“Just somethin’..” 

I blush as he timidly hands me the mystery item. He crosses his arms and looks down, his shaggy hair covering his eyes. My mind racing as to what it could be as I open my hand. My heart skipping a beat. I melt into a puddle. I float off to space. 

“Daryl..” I look up at him, shyly glancing at me.

“You could throw it out if you hate it. I don’t care.” He grunts, defensively.

A slightly tarnished, discolored silver pendant in the shape of a music note adorning a matching ball chain. My skin tingles. My body heat rises. My pulse drumming in my ear as my legs grow weak. Did you take me out here to give this to me, Dixon? You really were thinking of me. You were. I begin to get emotional. Tears tickling behind my eyeballs. 

“I love it. So much.” I gloat, fighting back the waterworks. Not being able to take my eyes off of the sweetest gift I have ever received from the only person I have ever loved.

“I could put it on you.” He shrugs, playing with his hands “If you want… but you ain’t gotta wear it.. It’s stupid”

“It’s not stupid, Dixon.” I sigh, “It means everything to me.” You mean everything to me. I wish you would let me love you. Let yourself love me. 

He uneasily looks down as I hand him the necklace and turn around, “Put it on me.”

He takes the chain and drapes it around my slender neck. I lift my hair to help. He struggles to fasten it, cursing under his breath, dropping the right side, “Fuckin’ thing” 

A few tries later, he gets it. I let my hair down, turning to face him. Looking up into his eyes as he leans against the bike. His gaze shifts to the right, the familiar sound of the dead causing my ears to bleed. Worst timing ever. 

My eyes roll back as I grit my teeth, “I got it” I pull my blade, meeting the piece of lifeless shit halfway. I waste no time driving the cold steel through it’s rancid temple. Fucking asshole. Ruining our moment. I turn back to him, touching my hand to the beautiful gift around my neck.

“I’ll never take it off.” I dreamily peer into sleepy blue eyes.

“I don’t care if you do. It don’t matter to me what you do with the damn thing”

Just stop talking, Daryl.. please..“I don’t care if you care.” It does matter. You do care. If you didn’t you wouldn’t feel the need to make it known as hard as you are. Just, hush…

Awkward silence. More awkward silence. Fuck, I’ve missed you, Dixon..

“Daryl..” I slip my hands in my pockets, “I really missed you. Longest few days of my life not having you around. So fucking happy you’re here”

“We should get back. Come on. Gotta fix this bike up. Runs like shit.” He changes the subject, as usual. Turning his attention to his newly acquired beat up motorcycle, quickly mounting her.

“You love me, Dixon. I know you do..” 

“I’d love to leave your ass out here if you don’t shut the fuck up” He barks, setting the engine alive.

“Tell me I’m right.” I stand next to him. This would be the perfect moment to say it without saying it. Just agree. Just nod. Just mumble. But he doesn’t. He won’t..

“Bye.” He revs the engine and slowly starts to drive away.

“What the fuck?!” I laugh, running up to the bike. I go to get on and he moves further. Fucking with me. Ugh, I love you..

“You dropped your head, dumbass.” He points to the ground and I look down. Shaking my still attached head at how gullible I am with him. Blushing as I grow more flustered in puppy love. And in this moment, I am alive again. I’m the real me.

“You’re such a dick.” I laugh, my hands at my hips, “I’m gonna get on. You gonna let me?”

He shrugs, “Try it.”

I manage to hop my vertically challenged self on the back of his bike, wasting no time pressing my body against his and wrapping my short slender arms around him.

“I guess you let me..” I press my face into the back of his neck. 

“Guess I did.” He revs the engine before peeling off. His hair tickling my skin in the cool wind. I could die here. Just like this. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

“You’re dripping all over the place.” I sprawl out on the bed as Daryl emerges from the bathroom. His t-shirt sopping wet and sticking to him, outlining his muscular shoulders. His long freshly washed hair, leaking dark puddles all over him. Sending my mind into the gutter. Imagining him naked in the shower. Soaping that sexy body up. 

“So what. It’ll dry up” He sits on the edge of the bed, pushing his drenched hair from his face.

I study the shape of his back. So masculine. Chiseled to perfection. I sit up, wanting to spill my guts. Quietly confessing my love to the back of his head. That beautiful head of wet shaggy hair.

“That bike.” His voice breaks my daydream, “Found it near a fresh pool of blood an’ guts. Was nothin’ left of ‘em but a pair of shoes”

“Shit.” 

“I’mma fix it up.” 

“It’s a great bike. I’m not shocked you ride.” Of course you ride. You’re fucking perfect.

“Used to wanna fix bikes. Thought about openin’ up my own shop. All that was just me thinkin’. Ain’t never did nothin’ with it.” He explains, his back to me. A growing wet stain between his shoulders.

“When this is over.. You’re gonna open up your shop.” I smile, “I’ll help you.”

“Wishful thinkin’” 

I sigh, “Daryl..”

“Mmhhmmm” he mumbles.

“I don’t know how I feel about this place.”

He glances over his shoulder back at me, “The place.. Or them people?” 

“The people. I mean.. Maybe I just don’t play nice with others anymore. Not that I did before all this.. Fuck it. I don’t know what I’m saying.” I play with the little music note around my neck.

Daryl turns his body to face me, “Somebody mess with you?” 

“No.” I sigh, gathering my thoughts. “I just hate it here without you. I’m going with you next time.”

“Forget it.”

“I can help. I can squeeze into tight spaces. I can watch your backs. I can drive. Anything.” I plead.

“You gonna stay your ass here..where it’s safe.”

“Is anywhere safe anymore? I mean.. seriously...what if something happens and we can’t find each other?” I shake my head, “I refuse to be held up here ‘safe’..” fingering air quotes, “If you aren’t”

“Chase..”

“Chastity. My real name is Chastity.” I blurt, “Just thought you should know that.”

He looks at me, nibbling the inside of his bottom lip as he does.

“I’m not a damsel in distress. I’m not.” I hold his gaze, continuing to argue my case, “I’ve survived out there by myself. All alone. Sometimes not. But I won’t just shrivel up and die. I can hold my own.”

“I know… look, we’ll talk ‘bout it later, alright?”

“Ok..” I agree. No sense in worrying about that right now. He’s here with me. Nothing else means anything, “Thank you for the necklace, Daryl.” I smile, “I love it so fucking much I can’t even begin to tell you”

A hint of a smile softens my hunters face as I sit up, “Looks good.” He reaches out to touch the perfect sized charm resting against my chest.

“Where’d you find it?” I curiously ask. Imagining he searched high and low, risking his life for it. A token of his love that I can carry with me forever. A reminder of how much I mean to him. 

“Killed a dead one for it. Saw it on her. Had me thinkin’ you should have it.” He shrugs, “Wish I had a better story to tell ya.”

“I love that story just the way it is.” I smile. A warmth between us. I can feel it. I know he can too. I boldly take a chance in reaching out for his hand, running my dainty fingers over the inside of his palm before lacing them with his. Inching closer to him as the fluttering wings in my gut create a domino effect, setting my insides alive. Play it cool, Chase. 

“Are we going to that dinner thing or whatever tonight?” I try not to giggle, blushing as we sit on the bed, holding hands.

“You wanna?”

“Do you?”

We look at each other. Trying to read each other’s minds. My hand in his making it hard for me to concentrate on anything else. If I had my way, I would lock him in this room until the end of time. Our own world where it was only me and him. Build four walls just around this house. Wanting to stay in this moment for as long he would allow it. 

“No.” Daryl admitted, “But you should go get me some food.”

I laugh, the mention of food reminding me of the hunger brewing in my stomach, “Come with me.. I don’t really feel like mingling and making small talk with these people.” I shrug, “We can make an appearance, grab some grub and leave.”

He groans, “I like my idea better, Chastity.” 

I blush at the sound of him saying my name, “Come with me..” My cheeks burn hot, “We can go.. together… like… me and you..”

“Guess we’re starvin’ tonight then…” 

“Ugh, you’re such an ass.” I shake my head, gently squeezing his hand. “Fine. I’ll go get you some food. I’ll do anything for you. Yup. I’m a sucker.”

“Nah.” he scoffs, “You ain’t…I’ll go with you..” He pauses, bringing his other hand to the soft skin of my busy forearm. “Get the shit over with. Come back and have some sex..”

A loud giggle escapes my lips as I cover my mouth with my free hand. I push my hair from my flushed red face, “Or.. we can have some sex.. Right now.. Go to that thing, but together..like, a fucking date.. Get some food.. Come back.. Have more sex.. Cuddle.. Make out.. More sex.. Thoughts?”

“No date. No fuckin’ cuddlin’.” He grunts.

“I will be your date to this damn thing, even if it’s only in my head! You can’t take that away from me, Dixon..” I raise an eyebrow, “And, I want one damn hug. Just one! I say when it happens too. If you can accept these conditions, we have a deal. If not, I’m going to sleep.”

He thinks for a moment, biting his lip. “Fine. One damn hug.”

“Good.” I smile, bringing my free hand to his inner thigh. The soft fabric of the solid gray lounge pants, clinging to him, offering a nice hint of exactly what he had going on under them. I slide my hand higher, gently cupping the warm bulge between his thighs. Extending the intimate invitation to my lover, “Let’s get started then.”


	21. Tonight, The Stage Is Yours..

“You look so good.” I walk over to Daryl, watching him in the mirror as he uncomfortably looks himself over. He wore a long sleeve charcoal gray button down and a pair of dark blue jeans that seem to have been made just for him. Clean and polished with just the right amount of rugged bad ass. His sun kissed complexion bringing out the bright blue of his eyes. His hair finally dried, messy and tousled. A sheer vision of perfection.

“I feel like a moron.” He tugs at the bottom hem of his shirt, “Damn shirt don’t fit right. Too tight. They ain’t have nothin’ in my size?” he fidgets.

“It fits you perfect. It’s slim fit.” I explain as I slip on a black tank dress. Cottony spandex. Comfortable and simple. Made me feel like a less sexy Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. My loose wavy sex hair creating the ultimate look for my new outfit. Long and flowing. Falling perfectly without even trying. The only things missing: Hooker heels and black eyeliner. Better yet, fishnets and thigh highs. Sigh. Oh well. I’ll do my best to look beautiful for our big date tonight. I have to be the hottest chick in that room for my man. Represent him right. He absolutely could give two shits. But I’ll put forth the effort for the both of us. After all, this is my fantasy. Finally reunited with my pretend boyfriend for our big fake date night. I slip on my boots, standing up to see my hunter looking me up and down.

“Damn.” he clears his throat, “You goin’ like that?”

“Yeah.” I pause, “Is something wrong?”

He scratches his head, “Not wrong. Just... you know”

“What?” I softly speak with a smile, my hands on my hips.

“Hhhmmm.. you know..” He slips his vest on.

“I kinda like it better without the vest tonight” I gaze at him in the mirror with a smile, “And I don’t know, so why don’t you tell me..”

“You look hot.” He blurts, blushing. Quickly switching the subject, “Alright, I ain’t wearin’ the vest then. Let’s just go. Get it over with.” He takes it off and lays it on the bed.

I stand next to him as we take one last look at ourselves in the mirror. These two different people staring back at us. Two people who had somewhere along the line grew much closer. As close as two people possibly can. Formed an unspeakable connection. An unexplainable bond. Becoming a single entity. As I take in the sight, I realize this as one of the first times I’d actually seen what we look like together. In real light. He stood about a foot taller than me. Give or take. So much more confident and gorgeous than he would ever give himself credit for. His dark gray button down, those dark jeans hugging him just right. Such an alluring creature. My petite stature, dressed in all black. Long dark hair. Big eyes and thick pouty lips. The dress I wore hugging at me, accentuating my tiny waist. Intensifying the drama of the curve of my hips. I feel so pretty. But it’s the man beside me that really brings it out. My slender arms offering pops of color to offset the deep shades. The necklace around my neck that has now become a part of me, stands out. Music and Daryl Dixon. My two favorite things. And he knows it. I know he knows. Fuck, we look so damn good together. I wish I could snap a polaroid. Keep it forever. I motion my hands as if I were holding an invisible camera, pressing down with a ‘click’ to take a picture. An image emblazoned in the back of my mind for all time. I could stare at us forever.

“Fuck, Dixon.” I playfully push him, “We are so hot, I can’t handle it.”

“Whatever... let’s go. I need a smoke first.”

“Aye, aye captain,” I bring my hand to my brow to salute him. I’m on such a natural high. Still intoxicated with the euphoria of what just happened on that bed some moments ago. Sex with him was never the same. Always different. Closer. Even better than the last time. Our bond growing stronger and stronger. We felt more each time we lay together. I know I did. I gave him a piece of me and he left a piece of himself. The way the act of sex should be between two people. The pure bliss in noticing that Daryl seemed kinda different. Almost as if the time spent apart caused him to actually miss me. To realize it and be more receptive to what he was feeling. To open up just a touch more. I’m sure whatever it was, I was simply looking way too deep into it. Overthinking, as I usually do. Turning every subtle sound and movement into a huge production. Searching for little hints of affection that I am so desperate to experience from the man that I silently refer to as my boyfriend. But the necklace. The gesture. The thought behind it. His energy. That means something.

We step out of the house in the dark. The large full moon lighting up the blanket of stars above us. The bright reflection dancing along, rippling the lake’s surface. Such a glorious occasion. And to think it’s all happening in the ugliest of times. Such the irony. Daryl pulls two cigarettes, handing me one. I place the smoke between my lips as my lover casually lights it for me. I take a pull as he gets his going, quickly joining me as we continue to walk toward Joss and Kenny’s. Taking our sweet time. Enjoying the evening and each other. The cool air, nipping at my bare skin. I should have worn my hoodie. For the sake of looking good for my man, I’ll take one for the team.

“You’re cold.” Daryl exhales, smoke from his lungs dancing around between us.

“I’m good.” I shrug, coughing a little as the hot smoke burns the back of my throat.

He begins to run his hands over my colorful, goose pimpled arms, the lit cigarette cooly hanging from his lips. So effortless in his ability to look sexy as hell. Rubbing his hands over my exposed skin in an attempt to warm me up. Sending even more chills over my body from the sensation of his touch. Those hands. Mmmmm.. He rubs me up some more before we continue on our way.

“What the hell did you do when I was gone?” He takes another pull as we walk.

I shrug, “Nothing... Missed you like hell.”

“Hhhmmm”

As we approach Joss and Kenny’s, my heart drops. I start to feel a little anxious. Start to have second thoughts about walking into a dinner party late with everyone stopping to stare. I can’t believe that my socially awkward feelings from the old world didn’t die alone with it. Things are different now. At least, they should very well be. We finish our cigarettes and stand in front of the house, looking into the window from the safe distance of the sidewalk. Sounds of laughter and chatter. Figures moving about inside. Daryl sighs.

“Should we?” I ask, doubt in my voice.

“I’unno.. I ain’t ‘bout these kindsa things.”

“Same.” I take a deep breath and exhale, grabbing hold of his hand.

He looks at me, “What are ya doin’?”

“Holding your hand..”

“We gonna walk in there like that?” He asks, nervously. Uncertainty in his low raspy voice.

I return his gaze as we stand side by side, our fingers laced together, “Yes.” I nod and smile, “We’re gonna walk in like this.”

I can feel my love tense up, like I knew he would. I know it’s nerve wracking for him. But it’s an even bigger moment for us. My heart is bursting in my chest at the thought of being with him like this in front of people. Claiming him as my own, in a sense. Marking my territory. I felt confident with him. Beautiful. Sexy. Safe. Like a queen and he’s my king. Daryl loosens his grip around my hand in a terrible attempt to slyly pull away without me noticing. Dammit..

“Daryl..”

“What?” He fidgets, nibbling his bottom lip, “We just gettin’ in and gettin’ out, right?”

I look at him, disappointment on my face. My head slightly tilted as my big earthy eyes tell the tale of ten thousand emotions. I should get what I want, for fucking once. I wasn’t asking for a full on PDA make-out session. I’m gonna fight for it. I grab his hand again, fingers intertwining, “Do this.. For me..”

We hold each other’s gaze, speaking in silence. Pleading my case through desperate eyes. My hunter reluctantly nods, giving in. His fingers hooking firmly with mine. Butterflies. My skin starts to tingle as I squeeze his hand, taking a breath in, then out. I let out an excited giggle as my entire face lights up. My cheeks are on fire. I’m sure I’m lit up like a tomato. I don’t think I remember ever smiling this big. I don’t think I remember ever feeling this happy. I feel the way a girl should feel when she’s with someone special. The way I had always hoped I’d feel but had long since given up the notion of it ever happening. My mind starts to race as I imagine the possibility of a real future with him. We will beat this world and create one all our own. Go on vacations. Road trip. Open up a motorcycle shop. Start a band. Get him some damn top shelf whiskey. Buy a house by the beach. Get married in Vegas. Make a little baby. Grow old together. Chastity Leanna Dixon. Wow. Holy fucking shit. I fucking love it! It sounds so perfect!

“Come on.” My imaginary future husband snaps me back to the present. I blush, my insides in a twist, getting way too ahead of myself. Letting the excitement get the best of me. This must be true love. Because it’s making me stupid as fuck. Calm down, girl..

I nod, smiling uncontrollably as we walk up the stairs to the porch. The front door. “Ok..” I knock with my free hand. We listen as everyone reacts to the knock at the door. My teeth chattering as the cool air dances around us. The doorknob turns. Joss. She smiles at the sight of Daryl and I, trying to play it cool. Just as antisocial and awkward as the other. But damn, do we look good together tonight. I’ll say it 5 million times. Proud of being with the man next to me. Daryl squeezes my hand. Here goes nothing. I squeeze back.

“Well would ya look who it is.. So glad you came!” She exclaims, opening the door for us.

We glance at each other before walking in, hand in hand. Daryl motioning for me to go first. I look around the room. Everyone is staring at us. A hundred pairs of eyes sizing us up. A forced smile on my face as I nod and wave my free hand. To let all those wandering eyes know that I see them. I’m on to you.

“Please, guys, help yourself..” Joss begins as she closes the door behind us. “There’s wine, beer.. Tequila if you’re feeling bold.” She laughs, “We did already eat, but there’s food left in the kitchen. Make yourselves a plate. Don’t be shy.”

“Thanks, Joss. This is great” I’m overwhelmed. I freeze for a moment, not exactly sure what to do next. Do we immediately head for the food? Should we grab some booze? Do we, dare I say it, talk to people? I pull my dress down a little, suddenly feeling as if it may be too short. Too tight. Too black.The back of my neck gets hot and I begin to entertain the idea of just grabbing a bottle of wine and running away. Daryl watches me. He can see me sweat.

“Hey..” he pulls my hand closer to him, “You ok?”

“Yeah.. of course.” I am. I’m with you. “I think I need a drink.”

“Get some drinks, I’ll get the food.” He suggests.

I nod in approval, not wanting to part from him. I give his hand a gentle squeeze before we pull away and I watch him disappear into the kitchen. Get your shit together, Chase.. You got this. I fix my long wavy hair and walk toward the bar that had been set up in the dining room, near the table. Assorted bottles, glasses, a bucket of ice. I mean.. Where the fuck am I? A far fucking cry from everything out there. All of the things we’ve seen. We’ve done. Would have never guessed I’d find myself at another lame house party that I only went to for the free booze. Free food. I rub my colorful arms as I play it cool before grabbing 2 glasses and a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon. Hmmpphh, fancy..

“Hi Chase..”

A familiar voice. An annoyance factor about one step back from nails on a chalkboard. Tyler. I sigh, pouring this fancy red wine into equally as fancy stemmed glasses. I look up at the tall man, “Didn’t recognize you without that cosplay get up. What were you going for? Little plastic army man?” Oozing sarcasm.

He lets out a defeated laugh, holding his hands up as if he’d been caught stealing, “Ok.. ok.. I deserved that.” He looks me up and down, wide eyed, “You look fantastic in that dress. Wow.”

I shake my head, “What do you want?”

“To get to know you better. No harm in that, right?” A devious grin as he brings his beer to his lips.

“You don’t wanna know me, Tyler.. And I sure as hell don’t want any friends” I grab the full glasses of wine, attempting to be graceful, “Now if you’ll excuse me..”

Tyler towers in front of me as I try not to spill the dark maroon liquid, “I do wanna know you..” His dimple is so deep, he doesn’t need to smile for you know it’s there, “When you first got here.. That first time I saw you, I tripped over myself. You’re so goddamn beautiful, it drives me crazy.. Give me a chance”

My eyes widen as I clench my teeth, “Tyler.. I fucking have a boyfriend. Are you out of your mind?” I blurt. Hearing myself say it out loud sent my beating heart into a frenzy. With everything that was going on, amazing, shitty and all at once, anxiety had me by the throat.

“So...That guy’s your boyfriend now?” Tyler sarcastically scoffs, shaking his head “Pretty confusing situation you got going on there, Kiddo.”

“It’s none of your fucking business.” I growl, “I’m walking away now.”

Tyler stands in front of the doorway, blocking my escape, “Would you just talk to me? I’ll get on my knees. Don’t make me beg..”

My eyes even wider as my face burns red with anger. “You’re standing in my way, please move” I do my best to keep my composure. Fighting with myself not to throw the wine in his big dumb face. Beer on his breath so strong, I can smell it down here. He’s just drunk. I don’t want to cause a scene. Maybe Daryl isn’t my boyfriend. But what we have is something beyond labels. I believe that with everything in me.

“You’re amazing, Chase. You deserve better. Just think about it..” Tyler says, his voice low, smothered in booze induced sincerity. He winks at me before turning to walk away.

What the fuck was that? I deserve better? And what’s ‘better’? You? Ugh.. I feel uncomfortable. I want to go. Did everyone just witness that? I look around for Daryl. Praying he didn’t see Tyler and hear the things he was saying. I wouldn’t even know how he would react. Also to the fact that I just referred to him as my boyfriend out loud. Put it out there into the universe for the walls to absorb. Ears to hear. Why do I feel so guilty? Guilty just for standing here listening to Tyler’s liquid courage induced confession. Guilty because I let him talk and didn’t punch him in the face. Or tell him to fuck off. I know that I did nothing wrong. But maybe I feel guilty because those words felt nice to hear. But they were coming from the wrong person.

“What’d ya get lost?” Daryl. He walks over to me, sans food.

“What? Did I take that long?” I double fist the wine like the classy bitch that I am, holding it up, “Cab Sauv.”

“Good choice.” A woman’s voice, interrupts. I look over to see Joss leaning against the doorway, “How you been holdin’ up, Chase?”

I hand Daryl his wine, taken aback by Joss’ question, “Fine..” My eyes narrow.

“Dress looks good on you.” She says, “To have a cute little body like yours, booyyy.. I would have killed!” She laughs, “Glad it fits.”

“Thanks. I appreciate it. Nice to have a few more things to wear.” I sip my red wine. Buying time to gather my thoughts.

“I haven’t seen you much the last few days.” She probes, “You should come help with the garden tomorrow. Get yourself acquainted with the other women. It’d be good for you.”

“I just might.”

“You will.” Joss firmly orders. Her face turning to stone before curling her lips into a smile, “Enjoy yourselves. I’ll see you tomorrow, Chase. No excuses.”

I watch, perplexed, as Joss walks out of the room. I look over at Daryl, looking at me. He had managed to chug a glass of Cab Sauv in 30 seconds.

“Fuck was that about?” He grabs the bottle of wine and pours himself more. Topping me off.

“I don’t know.” I sigh. I hate the way she looks at me. The way she talks to me. Condescending. Like an evil stepmother. Completely judging me. Fuck her.

Suddenly, I feel like I’m in freezing cold water. Neck deep. Paralyzing me. And it’s rising to force it’s way into my lungs and finish the job. The walls are caving in around me and I’m suffocating. The sounds of laughter and chatter overwhelming my senses. So loud and shooting off from all sides. All around me. Impending doom as the air gets thinner and thinner. My nerves shoot through the roof. I feel like I might puke. My chest hurts. My left arm tingles and goes numb. I am way too aware of my beating heart. And it’s pounding too hard. Too loud in my ears. I can feel my pulse everywhere. What if my heart stops? It’s too fast. It’s going to give up. I try to catch my breath, quietly, so no one can hear. I don’t want them to see me drown. Mainly because I know I’ll be ok. I might be small, but I’m not weak.

“Hey..you ok?” Daryl asks, concerned. I try to speak but nothing comes out. He puts his hand on my shoulder, “Hey..”

I look up at him like a terrified deer caught in the headlights of a truck, “I have to get out of here.”

He takes the glass from my shaky clutches and sets it down with his on the table. Immediately taking my hand in his, he leads me to the kitchen and grabs the food that he put aside for us. A few people hanging out, helping themselves to whatever was left. Gina. She waves and smiles at me, excitedly,“Hi Chase!”

I mumble, “Hey..” in passing as Daryl leads me straight out. Out of the kitchen, out of the house. Out of my personal hell. The cool air hits my face, my chest, and I can breathe again. I take a few gulps of air in then out as my savior leads me home. That sense of normalcy didn’t last long. I knew it wouldn’t. To me, that shit was never normal to begin with. Just fucking politics. And I’m not into that shit.

“Wanna stop for a minute?” My hunter asks, “You breathin’ ok?”

I nod, gripping my chest as if to push my pumping heart back inside, “Maybe we can sit out here for a few minutes. The air is helping.”

I didn’t have to tell him that I was having a panic attack. He knew. We weren’t far from the house we were staying in. Once we reached the front steps, we sat down. I close my eyes and focus on trying to steady my breaths. I feel stupid. Embarrassed. Some emo punk kid letting Joss and Tyler and a crowded room get the best of her. I wanna punch something. I wanna punch myself. Just when I thought I was gonna implode, Daryl begins to gently rub my back, instantly calming me.

“It’s gonna be ok.” He reassures. “Gonna get you some water, be right back.”

“Don’t leave!” I yelp, grabbing his arm, “It’s ok, just.. Please don’t leave.”

Daryl stays, his hand running over me, “So.. I’m 38.. I think..” He randomly blurts, “Or 39.. Somethin’ like that. Let’s just say 40. 40 year old virgin, right?” He lets out a low laugh, still rubbing my back.

I smile, clutching my chest, turning my body slightly to face him. His voice, his touch, his existence bringing me back to life, “I didn’t mean that! You know I didn’t..”

“Whatever. It was funny.” He shrugs those broad shoulders as my chest rises and falls. Steadying. Slower. “I got some years on you. I thought you were younger before you told me. Glad you ain’t”

“I look 12. I know” I let out a breathy laugh.

“Nah. Maybe like 22.” He says, his hand soothing me with each caress, “I look 45. It’s ok.”

I laugh, “You do not! I bet you’d look like a baby if you shave.”

“I’ll go ahead an’ shave then so you can look 12 and I can look 12 months.” He gently laughs.

“I’ll take it!” I laugh, bringing my hand to his chin, the other still at my bony chest, “I like this though.. It feels nice. Manly. I like the few grays in there.”

“See.. 55.”

“Now it’s 55?” I laugh, “You’re being silly. I really like it.”

“Good.” He pushes the hair from my face, “Got a bad joke for ya then: What does a redneck do when his dishwasher stops workin’?”

“Ah, shit.. What? Tell me..”

“Slaps her on the ass and tells that bitch to get back to it.” He slaps at the air and shakes his head.

I giggle, “Wow. That was pretty bad”

"What do you get when you got 32 rednecks up in the same room?"

"Oh no.. what?"

"A full set of teeth."

My eyes widen as I laugh, "That's so messed up!"

“Dumb redneck tellin’ dumb redneck jokes to a pretty New York girl to try an’ make her smile. Can’t make this kinda shit up. This is why we bang our ugly cousins. Our game is so bad, we got no choice.. I mean, I don’t do them things though. That was another bad joke.. kinda.”

I laugh out loud. A hearty laugh, “You know, you’re a funny, charming, wonderful guy when you aren’t being an asshole, Dixon.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment.” He nibbles his bottom lip.

“It absolutely is”

“You should know.. I ain’t gonna let nothin’ happen to you.” He pauses, “Cause you mean somethin’ to me.” He nervously scratches at his jeans, blushing.

“You mean something to me too. You can tell me what I mean to you. I want you to..” I plead. No longer having to rip at my chest. Forgetting everything leading up until just a few seconds ago. Internally screaming for the love of my life to talk to me. Tell me what I need to hear. My heart begins to flutter and pitter patter. But no longer from a sense of panic.

“That’s the thing, Chase..” He looks down, “I don’t wanna say shit.. Tell you things.. And sound stupid.. I don’t wanna hurt you but I’m gonna.. Not meanin’ to.. Uuugghhh I fuckin’ sound so ridiculous right now..”

“You don’t sound stupid! Or ridiculous.” I sigh, “and I know you don’t mean to hurt me. I know..”

“I do hurt you.. Don’t I?” He shakes his head in defeat, “Shit.. ya see?”

“Only when you say things that I know you don’t mean. Like when you say you don’t care.”

“I ain’t good at this.. I don’t know what I’m doin’.. My head’s all fucked up”

“You’re thinking about what you’re doing, and not doing, way too much. Instead of just allowing yourself to feel what you feel.. Even if you can’t explain it.. Even if it’s foreign.. You think I know what I’m doing? I drive myself crazy with all of these things I feel for you!” I blush and put my hand over my face, “Do you know that I - Fuck, I’m such a loser..”

“What.. say it..”

“I pretend that ummm..” My face is beet red, “We drive around and take road trips. And in my mind, we’ve been on so many dates already. So many places. And you’re my boyfriend.. And uummm.. You wear a cowboy hat, usually.. Yup. I make up all this shit in my head..Soo… I’m clearly a psychopath.” I nervously giggle, “See.. there is nothing you can ever say that could sound any stupider than that shit.”

“I wear a cowboy hat?” He raises an eyebrow.

I shrug, throwing my hands up, “I can’t begin to explain my reasons.. The point is.. Instead of fighting our feelings for each other.. Maybe we should just stop overthinking and just do what we want to. What feels right. And natural. What are we afraid of?”

“I ain’t afraid of nothin’..” He sighs, fumbled words behind his lips, “'Cept somethin’ happenin’ to you. ‘Cept you gettin’ hurt. I’d rather you be safe and happy.. even if it means without me.. Cause I’m tired of hurtin’ you. I’ll keep on hurtin’ you. I’m no good. Knowin' nothin’ ‘bout how to talk to a lady.”

“Daryl that makes absolutely no sense. How can I be safe and happy without you? I can’t. I need you to understand that you only hurt me when you hide from me. When you tell me you don’t care about me. And for fucks sake, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me! I’ll take all this death and bullshit around us, if it means getting to spend time with you. I mean it. And you talk to this lady just fine. You make this lady feel the way a real lady should. That’s what counts.”

“You been the only one to ever say them things to me. Only one ever. I wanna believe it, but I ain’t used to all this. You got me in somethin’ that got me not knowin’ what the fuck I’m doin’. I’m.. I’m tryin’ to figure it out. I’m gettin’ there, ok..”

“That something I got you in...is it something good?” I ask, my eyes wide.

“Yeah.. too good.”

My heart stops. I fight myself from saying those 3 words that I’ve wanted to say for so long now. Since the cabin. Almost jumping from my lips, I hold on to them. But should I tell him? Is it too heavy for him to hear right now? I don’t know. The fact that he is trying to talk about his feelings, is the greatest thing I can ask for. Dropping the L word on him, might cause him to climb back into his shell. But shit.. I love you so much.

He looks at me, a mix of emotions on his face as he steers from the subject, “Feelin’ better?” He asks. I nod with a smile. “When Merle used to have them panic fits, I’d just talk to him. Tell him jokes. Get his mind off of it. It helps.”

“Merle had a panic disorder?” I ask, perplexed.

“Merle had a bunch of shit. He didn’t get ‘em often enough to call it a disorder. But he got ‘em sometimes. After the military an’ all.”

“So that’s where those random jokes and shit were coming from. You were trying to help me.” Fuck, this man warms my soul. I find new reasons to love him every single day. I gently touch his forearm, “You’re such a good man, Daryl”

We sit in silence for a few moments. Gathering our thoughts. Taking everything in. I glance over at him under the moonlight. He is so gorgeous. I’m entranced by the curves and lines of his face. That profile of his. So sexy. So beautiful. I love how sleepy his eyes are. Such sultry blue eyes. I lose my shit when he looks at me. Every single time. So hard to fathom that I was his first. I can’t believe I get the honor of being with him tonight. Sitting here, talking. Just being. I still can’t believe I get to share myself with him. He is so goddamn amazing I’m running out of words because there are none that capture the intensity of what I feel for him. None.

He plays with his hands, “Bein’ gone. For them few days. Felt like too long. Got me re-thinkin’ things. Got me feelin’ like I missed you.” he pauses, “I wanted to tell you that. Cause maybe you oughta know.”

How could I be falling deeper in love with him? How is that even possible? I can’t speak. I can’t breathe. He’s stolen my heart and I can never get it back. I don’t want it back. The way he’s looking at me stops my heart. I bring my hand to his cheek, holding his gaze. Studying his face as he studies mine. Breathing each other in. His eyes. His lips. Surrendering completely to this magnetic force between us, pulling us closer. I’m nervous. Butterflies. I’m trembling. Yearning to melt into his arms and live there forever. I’m more vulnerable than I’ve ever been as we lean in toward each other. Our lips nearly touching. We linger for a moment, taking each other in. His scent is intoxicating. I swear I can feel his heart pounding right along with mine. In tune. Perfect harmony. His hand in my hair, as our lips touch at long last. Our kiss immediately intensifying, his tongue making love to mine as he sweetly pulls me onto his lap. I grab the back of his head, threading my fingers through his soft locks as we share the most passionate, intense, hungry, electrifying kiss of our lives. Our first kiss all over again. Our first real, real kiss. My skin catches fire as he innocently caresses my thighs, our mouths diving deeper, crashing into each other. Exploring and loving all that we uncover. I wrap my arms around him, running my hands over his strong back. I feel protected. I feel loved. I feel wanted. Needed. I am inebriated. Entirely immersed in his mind, body and soul. He is the only beauty I have ever known in this world. The vibrant colors in my dark and gloomy. The purest love of my life. I am helpless, melting into him as we kiss. And kiss. Kiss until our lips go numb. Then kiss some more.


	22. I Love You So Much That It Hurts My Head..

Those lips. Toxic. Poison. With each collision against mine, each seductive kiss, he enables my addiction. He sucks at my bottom lip, gently grazing the thin skin with his teeth and I can no longer feel my body. Just the yearning and hollow desperation between my trembling thighs. The constant tragedy when he isn’t inside of me, filling me with his life. The more of him I uncover, the more of him I crave. I need. My hands wildly running free all over every inch of his body. Gripping and reaching, wrapping my legs around him. Cradling me in his strong arms as he lay on top of me, feeding my dependency. I want him so fucking badly. So fucking intensely, I want to claw my own skin off. My tongue invading his mouth. Moaning against those venomous lips as his hardness teases my molten wet opening. I recklessly buck my hips, trying to rub myself against him. His rugged hand creeps between us, fingers tracing soft petals, massaging my most sensitive spot before sliding inside. One. Two. Mmmmm, fuck, three. We break our long kiss, taking in a few breaths of air. My hands lost in his messy locks, holding his head as he fingers me. Our eyes locked, gazing with parted lips. I moan and pant. I fucking love you. Words like a broken record playing over and over. I jump a little as he pulls his fingers from my wet warmth, bringing them to my lips. I open my mouth to taste myself, turning him on to no end. He likes those kinky little gestures and I love giving him what he wants. I wrap my hand around his rigid erection, rubbing him against me before granting entry. Wanting to play a little more but fuck, I have to have him. The head of his big beautiful cock penetrating my tight little hole. Finally, inch by inch, I’m full again. Whole again as we become one. Our bodies moving in perfect harmony, hidden and safe under sheets and blankets. We are the only two people in the universe. Connected physically and spiritually. I’m emotional. Elated beyond comprehension as the love of my life moves inside of me. His hips circling and grinding against me making me crazy. I can’t control the sounds leaving my lips as I pull my hunter closer, his body weight heavy on top of me. He smells so good, sending my primal attraction into overdrive. My breaths shorten between moans of pure ecstasy as I dig the tips of my fingers into his back. His broad shoulders. The shoulders that have held so much for so long. His weight against my frail chest restricting the amount of air I am able to take in but I don’t fucking care. I pull him in as he pushes deeper. So deep inside. Those moans. I love the sexy sounds that he makes when he’s fucking me. I sink my head into the pillow, rolling my eyes back.

“Oh God, Daryl..” I breathlessly cry out. My hands finding his perfect ass and hungrily squeezing. Grinding my groin against him as our bodies perfectly conjoin. The slight curve of his cock hitting parts of me I never knew I had. Sending me to places I’ve never been. Further supporting the fact that we had been made and created to fit together. Our sole purposes were to find each other. Care for each other. Love each other. Fuck each other.

My lover lets out a breathy moan, lifting his weight from my chest. I look up at him, pushing the hair from his face as he dives into me harder and faster. He is stunning. Those eyes. The most hauntingly beautiful eyes I have ever seen, communicating all the words he couldn’t say. Passed the physical, directly to my soul. He turns his head to place seductive open mouth kisses up my colorful forearm activating the legion of goose bumps that only he commanded. I pull my knees back higher, spreading myself wider as he loses himself in me. With me. The sounds of heavy breathing and sensual groans dance around the room. Creating the soundtrack for the otherworldly experience shared between two found spirits, once lost and alone.

The bliss of orgasm threatens every cell in my body and as much as I want to resist and live in this a little longer, I can’t hold on. I wildly grind into him, crying out in unimaginable pleasure as I let myself go. My walls contracting around him, squeezing him for dear life as jolts of electricity zap through my veins. My limbs begin to shake. I grab hold of him, pulling him back down as we crash into the soft bedding under us. I’m elated. Flushed and satisfied yet still yearning for more. I want to taste him. I need more of him. And I don’t fucking care. I need him to fill me. I need to hold him inside for just a little bit longer. Absorb him into my bloodstream like the junkie that I’ve become.

Daryl thrusts harder, “Chastity..” he breathes my name into my ear and I die a thousand times. He’s standing at the edge of explosion and I’m pushing him off with no remorse. None whatsoever.

“I wanna taste you..” The final blow.

“Fuck..” He grunts, pulling out of me. Leaving me empty again. I quickly position myself to take him into my mouth, flipping my long hair back away from my face. I massage his balls with my free hand while I stroke the base of his shaft with the other, sucking him off. Doing my best to fit all of him in. So well endowed. So fucking hot. I look up at him with big brown lustful eyes, sucking and stroking his thick slick cock. He grabs the back of my head, moaning and grunting, releasing his warm seed into my eager little mouth. I let out a yelp and swallow. Swallow every last drop. Licking my lips to make sure I got it all. He tastes salty and sweet. Warm and creamy mixed with a hint of me. He’s looking down at me as I gently release my lips from around him. I blush and smile, basking in the afterglow of the things we do to each other. He tenses up like I knew he would. Like he usually does right after. But I won't let him slip away anymore.

I wrap my arms around him and hold him tight, “It’s ok.. Stay with me.. It’s ok..” and I love you. And I will reassure you of this every single time if you need me to. Hold you in my arms and rock you back and forth until you feel better. Until those uneasy moments pass and you come back to me. He lets me hold him as he slowly calms. He doesn’t resist. He doesn’t try and leave. He buries his head in my chest as I pull him in, caressing his hair. I kiss his forehead as his breathing begins to steady. His hand on my shoulder gently running down the length of my arm. A silent understanding. My heart skips a beat. He trusts me.

“Lay with me?” I ask. My voice low and sweet. Inviting. Sincere. Daryl’s eyes find mine and he doesn’t say a word. Pulling the sheets over our vulnerable naked bodies. He lays next to me and I give him his space, fighting myself from spilling all over him. Comfortably sinking into post sex relaxation with the man of my dreams.

My hunter clears his throat, staring up at the ceiling. Recovering from the delicious things we did. I play with the silver music note around my neck as he shifts to face me. The butterflies in my gut fluttering up to my lungs stealing my breath as I instinctively mirror his movements. The loving look in his eyes offset by a cluster of nervousness.

“The fuck are ya doin’ to me?” he sinks into the pillow, covering his face. Taking a deep breath in and then out, his eyes finding mine once more.

“The same thing you’re doing to me.” I lovingly say and I know he gets it. My big brown eyes speaking a million adoring words as we lay facing each other. I forget to breathe again, pushing the hair from his face.

“You sure ‘bout that?” he asks. Uncertainty behind blue eyes. “Forget it.. I’m just being stupid.”

“Stop saying that. You aren’t stupid.”

“I’m different. I ain’t the same..I don’t know what’s happenin’, Sanchez. I mean.. I think I do, but I don’t fuckin’ know.” he struggles, his thoughts and emotions playing a game of tug of war. He wants to talk to me about it, I can feel it. He’s hinting at it. Trying. But he sincerely doesn’t know how. And I find myself not exactly knowing what to say either.

I study him as he goes back and forth internally, biting at the inside of his bottom lip. Those fucking winged creatures smiling as they fly around in my throat now, blocking me from speaking.

He looks at me, looking at him and swallows hard, “It ain’t just ‘bout survivin’ no more, you know.. It ain’t ‘bout just makin’ it like it was before..” he pauses, “I said I ain’t afraid. But I am.. afraid of what’s happenin’ with me and you.”

“You don’t have to be, Daryl..”

“Yeah, I do. ‘Cause this world is shit. And gettin’ ourselves involved like this.. I dunno, Chase.. We gonna have to fight.. ‘Cause we got somethin’ to lose now.. And I’ll do anything to keep you breathin’. I swear it on my life.”

“We’re gonna keep each other safe. Nothing is going to happen to us. We’re gonna be ok and then when this bullshit is all over, we’re gonna to start a new life. And be together and do whatever the fuck we want. You’ll wear a damn cowboy hat and we’ll grow old and gross together.. I’m gonna keep breathing. So are you.”

“That damn cowboy hat.” he scoffs, “I’m bein’ serious.”

“So am I, Daryl. For the first time in my life, shit isn’t just black and white. There’s a gray area and we aren’t just alive or dead. We aren’t aimlessly coasting. We just.. Are... I’m having the best days of my life with you. At the end of fucking world.” I shake my head at the irony, “ And we’re together and that’s what matters. I believe in us. Here and now. Out there or inside of these walls. We’re gonna make it.”

“What if we don’t?”

“You can’t think like that.”

“Gotta think like that. Reality bites ya in the ass real quick if you ain’t. We can’t hide up in this room rollin’ around forever. Life ain’t gonna be them goddamn dinner parties and 'ha ha ha' an’ shit. We gotta eat, I gotta provide. In here or not. We ain’t never gonna truly be safe. That’s the way it is. And all this we got goin’ on, got us lettin’ our guard down. Not good.”

“What are you trying to say?” My eyes widen. Don’t push me away again, Dixon. Please..

“Just what I said.”

“We shouldn’t care about each other? Start spending time apart? Not fuck anymore?”

“I didn’t say all that.”

My hunter fidgets a little, letting out a sigh as we lay in silence. Attempting to find the right words to say. I don’t want to think about anything else but right now. This very minute. Because I want to cherish being with him like this. Just us. No threats of reality. No dead walking. Assholes pointing guns in our faces. Fucking supply runs. Starving and thirsty. Yeah, he was right. He was always right. We are gonna have to fight harder now. Because surviving meant more. It meant protecting the one you cared about more than yourself. More than anyone else has ever. Putting them first and ensuring that it stays that way at all costs. At least that’s exactly what it meant to me. And I’m scared to death but not enough to give up. Definitely not enough to throw in the towel on building this amazing relationship with the most imperfectly perfect human being I have ever known. My love for him trumps all else. All of it.

“I’m gettin’ myself all kindsa invested in you. It ain’t nothin’ I got control over no more...It fuckin’ scares the shit outta me.” he pauses, his honest eyes glued to mine as he breaks the silence, raw truth in his voice. Beginning to peel back the layers of his rough exterior.

“I’m in love with you, Daryl Dixon” The words jump ship before I can even comprehend that I had said anything out loud. My stomach twists. My face burns right off. I begin to sweat, clutching the sheets. Shit. Fuck. I’m not gonna freak out. I’m not. I can’t. It’s the fucking truth. The most honest words to ever leave my lips. I said it. It slipped out because it was meant to. It had to. A weight lifted off of my shoulders in hearing the words out loud. I don’t give him a chance to respond. Partially as a defense mechanism for my sensitive heart, “I love you. I fucking love you so much…” my breath grows rapid as my pulse races, “I don’t expect you to say it back. You don’t have to say a word.”

I try to catch my breath as I notice the look on his face. A mix of conflicting emotions, my confession catching us both off guard. He’s nervous, biting that lip again. His eyes wide, his nostrils slightly flared. Stuck. Unsure. A different form of reality biting him the ass. He swallows hard, his eyes darting across the room. Shifting between glances at me and everywhere else. Dammit. Please don’t run away again. Please don’t freak out and leave me. The all too familiar silence that I’ve grown accustomed to sharing with my lover, harder to handle in this moment. Anxiety taking on an invisible human form and sitting on top of my chest, crushing me. Choking me out and laughing as I struggle.

“I’m sorry-”

“What I tell ya ‘bout bein’ sorry?” he barks. Taking a deep breath, he turns to lay on his back. “Don’t be.” his low raspy voice, calmer as he looks up at the ceiling.

I want to know what he’s thinking. Exactly what it is that’s running through his mind right this second. Then again, maybe I don’t. Because if it’s anything that doesn’t mirror those 3 heavy words, I’ll be crushed. I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I would break apart and blow away. But he isn’t getting up. He isn’t throwing his clothes on to walk out. He’s tense and distant but he’s still here. And if I didn’t just spill the emotionally charged beans now, then when? When? There would never be a right time. I’d always be afraid of his reaction. And I could never imagine he would come out and just say it to me. Or maybe he would? I just don’t fucking know anymore. The point is, I’m honest. I’m letting it out and I want him to know. He has to know. This isn’t just playground puppy love. He isn’t just a warm body to fuck. He isn’t just the lone man I survive with. He isn’t just a ‘by default’. He is my everything. He is my moon, my stars. The cool breeze in my hair. The sun kissing my skin. The air in my lungs. The blood in my veins.

I can’t take my focus off of him as we lay in typical Daryl/Chase awkwardness. I curl up under the sheets, studying him staring off into space. The sheets and blanket pulled up to his neck, his hands hidden underneath. Resembling a petrified little boy attempting to hide himself from the boogie man. He’s barely moving and I hope I didn’t send him into a state of overbearing emotional shock.

“You should know.. That’s why I said it. I had to tell you.” I blurt, the silence literally killing me.

“Alright.” he mumbles, seemingly brushing it off.

“I didn’t mean to just throw it out there like that.. I know that you’re scared and I’m scared too. But I-”

“I really don’t wanna talk ‘bout it right now.”

“If you don’t wanna say it back or you aren’t ready to, I understand..”

“Just let it go for now.. Please..” I can hear the pleading in his voice. He’s uncomfortable and I’m annoyingly poking right at it.

“Ok. Ok.. uummm.. No more talking about it. Ummm.. we really don’t have to.. Let’s just.. Hang out and.. Uhh.. rewind to a few minutes ago when we weren’t talking about it at all and.. Yeah”

“You’re bein’ all weird now.. Don’t be weird”

“I’m sorry..” I shake my head, “Fuck. I mean I’m not sorry.” I’m a certified idiot. I bury my face in the pillow, partly wishing I’d pass out from suffocation. I feel mortified. Knowing that his silence doesn’t necessarily indicate that he hates me, but still feeling the effects of my insides being ripped apart by my yearn to hear him say it back. To reassure me that what I felt was mutual.

“I need a damn smoke but I ain’t tryin’ to get up to get it. What a lazy fuck.” he lets out a laugh. Nerves in his raspy drawl. Changing the ‘L’ word subject and I jump to leave it behind for now as well. He quickly retreats back to his quiet self, clearing his throat and turning his body to face me. I’m frozen. He caught me staring at him and I can’t even pretend to want to look away. My face is bright red and hot. I can feel my temperature continue to rise as the faintest of half smiles creeps across my hunters face.

“I can get it for you.” I hurry to sit up, jumping at the opportunity to get my love his cigarettes. To do him the favor. A strong hand simultaneously gripping my thin arm, stopping me in my tracks. I turn to face him as he brings himself to sit next to me.

“Don’t.” he shakes his head. His beautiful messy hair falling where it may at the sudden movement, leaving room for those adorable ears to poke out. Some unruly strands over his eyes as his ice blue gaze pierces right through me, deep down to my core.

I’m putty. Mush under his spell. I am absolutely in love with you, Daryl Dixon. In love for the first and only time in my life. And it’s with you. With all of you. Every single piece of you. How you look. How you walk. How you talk. The sound of your voice. That sarcasm. How you can be so sweet. So rugged. So goddamn sexy. So mysteriously complex. Unlike anyone I have ever met. I even like that you can be such a fucking asshole. The way you touch me behind closed doors. Make me feel like a real woman. The way your arms feel wrapped around me. The way you smell. Fuck, your scent drowns me in lust while feeding me every drop of life all at the very same time. I love your scars. They are so beautiful to me. Your tattoos. Your nose. That crooked little smile. Your hair. Oh, that hair. Your arms. Damn, those sexy arms. Shoulders. Your skin.. I love your feet. Your hands. Fingers and toes. Those sleepy eyes peering into the depths of all that I am. I love you exactly the way you are, even when it hurts to love you. Because even though perfect doesn’t exist, the way we are is perfect to me. The real you showing yourself to the real me. Raw and uncut. True and pure. As it should always be.

“Don’t worry ‘bout it, Chas” he warmly says. His eyes finding my bare breasts as the blanket slips down to my waist.

I smile, a light blush tickling my cheeks, a mixture of the fact that he’s looking at my tits and that he just called me ‘Chas’. My lover lets out a yawn, stretching his muscular arms above his head, causing me to follow suit. I cover my mouth in a big sleepy open mouthed yawn, goose bumps forming as I hug my busy arms around myself.

“Fucking copycat” he shakes his head.

I playfully nudge his shoulder, pushing my hair behind my ears. A big smile hijacking my face as my hunter doesn't take his eyes off of me. Memorizing my features.

“You’re the most beautiful little thing I ever seen in my whole life.” His voice lower and calmer. Dreamy even. I don't even know if he realizes he had just said that out loud. And I fight myself from telling him how much I love him again.

“I'm only beautiful because you are. And when you look at me, you're looking at a reflection of yourself. Because I'm part of you.”

“Hhmmm.. Maybe..”

Daryl slides his arm around me, taking me by surprise. The most amazingly pleasant surprise. His strong masculine arm pulling my tiny body closer. He kisses the top of my head and I lose my life. Awakening those butterflies again. Dammit, Dixon. The things you do to me. I slip my arms around his toned waist, the warmth of his body creating a sense of safety. I feel secure. I feel like I’m finally home as he opens the door to let me inside.

“Feelin’ so tired all of a sudden” he runs his hands over my arm. “Your little ass is wearin’ me out.”

“Good.” I giggle, “You need to rest. You’ve been out there for days. And I don’t think I ever really even saw you fucking sleep. That’s just crazy” I place a hand to his chest and look at him. His sleepy eyes heavier.

“I don’t do good with sleepin’.”

“I know.. ‘Come on” I motion for him to lay with me and he obliges. Weeks of restlessness finally catching up to my savior. Hitting him all at once like a speeding train. Finding himself able to relax. And in my mind, maybe my hopes, I have something to do with it.

We lay back and get comfy, his arm still around me as I curl up into him, breathing him in. His delectable scent, entrancing. “Can’t keep my damn hands off you” my lover confesses. A deep, breathy, sleepy confession as he explores the landscape of my skin. The valley between my breasts. My toned tummy. I close my eyes to fully immerse myself in the sensation of his touch. Setting all my senses alive.

“I want your hands all over me..” I softly kiss his chest. Opening my eyes to look at him in the dim light and I’m not even sure if he is fully awake. His eyes shut. Two slits of long beautiful lashes. His brown hair a mess over his face. His left arm under me as his right hand finds every reachable part of my body. The sun will be coming up soon and as much as I love feeling it’s warm rays on my skin, I’d rather it never come out again than to have to part from this moment. Our legs intertwined under the soft blankets and sheets of our bed. My head rising and falling against his chest. The only sound is that of my lover breathing smoothly. His heart beating steadily. I imagine the blood running through his veins with each muscle contraction. Precious life coursing through his body. The body housing the incredible soul that sways in tune with mine. Daryl Dixon, you are my soulmate. I know that now. I understand what it means. The man who has showed me what it feels like to be alive. To really live. I curl my little naked self closer. Wishing I could just squeeze right into him. Inside of him. I gently kiss my way over any skin I can find as he pulls me in, his right hand still exploring, sending chills down my spine.

“Are you sleeping?” I whisper.

“Mmhhhmm.” my love mumbles. Allowing himself to succumb to slumber. Something I have yet to witness my hunter do. Solidifying that he finally feels safe and comfortable. With me.

We lay, wrapped in each other. Skin on skin. Daryl caught between sleep and consciousness. His hand stopping as he drifts off. Then starting up again over my eager curves. I fit perfectly in his arms. Like two pieces of a puzzle that have been searching for the other to be complete. To fit into place together. No longer having to be alone. Accepting what’s happening between us. Coming to realize that we have yet to be abandoned. That people like us could find each other in the rubble of a dying world. Fitting that this could be fate. That we could find the most abstract and unadulterated admiration to ever exist between two beings in the midst of chaos. And even the threats of reality and adversities can’t break us. Can’t stop him from holding me. Showing me that he does, in fact, feel something. He loves me. I can feel it. I swear I can feel it. My lovers silent way of saying it back.

I run my fingertips over the soft skin of his shoulder. His bicep. Tracing the words ‘I love you’ in invisible ink. Permanently etching what I feel for him. Discreetly leaving my mark, silently confessing to make sure he knows I mean it. I can’t close my eyes. I can’t fall asleep. I never imagined I could love this much. Never thought it existed. I had been incapable my entire life of feeling anything remotely close to how I feel for this man. I found my happiness. My reason for living. My motivation to be present in every single second of this new and beautiful life. How could I ever fully tell him how much he means to me? How could I ever fully show him? It was more than saying those 3 words. Life wasn’t about just making it anymore. Like Daryl said, it wasn’t just about survival. It was about spending as much time with my love as I possibly can in this piece of shit world. Making him smile. Being everything he needs me to be. Loving him until my last breath.

I gently push the hair from his face. The rugged innocence of his beauty, stealing my breath away. A slight stir from my love as he begins to caress me again. An unguarded tight lipped smile. Fuck. He is so magnificent. A flawless work of art. I cannot begin to fathom how terribly he’s been treated throughout his life. The most amazing human being I have ever met. How dare the people who were supposed to care for him lead him to believe he is anything but. If they weren’t all already dead, I swear I would hunt them down one by one.

“You ain’t sleepin’..” he half consciously speaks. Fighting with his heavy lids in an attempt to look at me.

“Shhh.. go to sleep, jerkface” I run my fingers through his locks, wearing a sweet grin.

“Not if you ain’t”

“Why is that?"

“You lookin’ at me..” his breathy voice cracks as he opens and closes his eyes. Trying so hard to stay awake. Insecure even in his sleep.

“You’re touchin’ me..” I bury my head into his chest.

“Mmhhmm” he mumbles. His voice so low, he almost whispers. Drifting in and out of consciousness, my lovers hand lies still on the curve of my hip. I gently run my fingertips over his scalp sending him off to dream. I imagine his beautiful mind painting us together in a series of different settings. Each better than the last. Riding off into the sunset on his bike. Knowing just the same as I did that it never mattered where we ended up because we would end up with each other. Switch to us sitting at a solid wood table in a rundown local dive bar, sticky with spilled juice from my vodka pine because I was clumsy like that. We’d laugh and smile all night as he reaches his hand out for mine. My heart flutters. My delicate fingers and tiny palm find his as we lock eyes. I’d give anything to experience a night out with my love. Maybe in Manhattan. In Georgia. Holding hands as we walk along the Hudson. I’d give anything..

I sigh, watching him as he sleeps. My fingers still in his hair. So handsome. My God among men. Suddenly, a sinking feeling in my stomach. Daryl’s words and fears playing over in my head. Truth is, I’m petrified too. I know he’s right. We can’t sit up here hiding under the blankets forever. And the thought of losing him.. I can’t even think about it. My eyes begin to water. My chest tightens as I press my lips to my sleeping beauty’s cheek. I would die without you. I would give my life for yours. I love you more than I love myself. To the ends of the Earth and back again.


	23. Time Will See Us Realign..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: That little daydream/flashback sequence was supposed to be in italics. For the life of me, I have no clue how to do that on here lol just sayin'...

Who I was before is someone else’s past. Not mine. So distant and far away. The more time passes, the less I can remember. Truth is, I don’t need to remember. I don’t want to anymore. What’s done is done. Who’s gone is just gone. Like a movie you saw as a kid, but only once. You were young and as the years go by, you forget the movie entirely. A few bits and pieces stand out, but that’s about it. A forgotten dream. A moving picture not worthy of witnessing twice. It was a time without him. Before him. A time that I can’t comprehend. A time that my brain has concluded never existed. Wasn’t real at all. I had been asleep and dreaming the whole time, waiting for him to shake me awake.

“Hey..” his voice brings me back, “You good?”

My eyes find his. I nod. He’s prying into my thoughts. Reading my expressions. My body language. The tears I’m choking back. I’m not good. But I have to be.

“You know I gotta.” he looks down at this hands as we sit on the front steps to the house we sleep in. The afternoon would be giving way to evening soon, further chilling the air. I look like hell. I’m embarrassed for him to see me like this. My eyes red and puffy from crying in the bathroom.

I don’t say a word. I can’t. The tears threatening to drown me all over again. My head pounding. I sit with my legs pulled into my chest, holding myself. I’m not mad at him. I’m not.

“We could do whatever you wanna do tonight.” he pauses, “we ain’t gotta sleep none.”

“I want to come with you. That’s what I wanna do.” I do my best to stand my ground. Not wanting the hurt and sadness in my voice to claw it’s way out. The selfishness in my not wanting to be without him.

Daryl hangs his head for a moment, his hand over his face, “You can’t, Chas..”

“Why the fuck not?” I bark.

“We talked ‘bout this.”

“Yeah we did. And I told you I’m going wherever you go. Period.”

“This one’s further. Longer. It ain’t safe, you know that.”

“Don’t go.” I plead, staring him down. My brown eyes big and watery. My lids chapped from crying. I stand my ground with a look that reads anger. I don’t want to cry anymore. Acting like a little whiny bitch instead of the strong New York latina that I am. That I should be.

“Chastity..”

“Don’t fucking go.” A tear escapes down my right cheek.

“I got to.”

“We got plenty of food here. All the vegetables we grew.. And you don’t have to go far to hunt..”

“We need ammo. We need medical supplies. More food. We need more.” my hunter looks at me. And I know he’s right. With the change of the season. The air colder every day, we needed to get all we can sooner than later.

“It would be easier if it were just me and you.” I cross my arms.

“Would it be?”

“You wouldn’t have to go out there for weeks at a time risking your life for all of these people.” I shake my head, trying to control the volume of my voice.

“I gotta provide. I ain’t one to sit here and let somebody else do all the fuckin’ work. I told ya that.” he pauses, “and you know damn well I’m goin’ out there ‘cause I know what I’m doin’ and I got a better chance than any of ‘em comin’ back in one piece.. Don’t worry. I’m comin’ back.”

“I’m worried. I’m gonna worry..”

“I’m comin’ back”

I wipe my wet face and nod. My heart breaking apart inside of my rib cage. I feel like I’m gonna vomit. I’m selfish. I’m angry. I don’t want him to be out there risking his life for these people. I don’t. I hate it and I don’t have a good feeling about this. Not one fucking bit. Something doesn’t feel right. The energy is all fucked up. It’s suffocating. I’m afraid and all of my organs are being ripped out one by one. Slowly. Torturously.

“I know you..” I nod, gathering myself up off the floor, “I know you’ll be back.”

It’s been two weeks since I told him I loved him. Two weeks since my lover returned to me after those days on the road. Since I’ve worn a piece of him around my neck, now heavy with impending loss. I play with the music note sitting pretty at the top of my chest and take a deep breath in. Out. Trying to clear my thoughts. Trying to grab hold of some control in the midst of this crazy, stupid love thing that had long ago seeped into the fibers of my existence. Turning me into an overfilled emotional bubble, bursting all over the place. In those 14 days since I confessed my love, I managed to somehow love more. Even more. Daryl never said it back. He never brought it up again. He fell asleep cradling my little naked coiled body and took the lingering moment with him. And I’ve gone absolutely mad. Feeling too much all at once. I don’t know how to manage it all. Anxious and fidgeting. A sickness. An itchy, scratching junkie crying and laughing at the same time. Hurting and full of hope and joy simultaneously. Ugly and glowingly stunning. I don’t know what the fuck to do with myself. And now he’s telling me he’s leaving again. But this time it will be longer than just a few days. I want to go with him. And I shouldn’t back down from it. But when I bring it up, we argue. He says I’m safe here. I call bullshit. He still doesn’t fucking get it. Without him is not a fucking option.

“Hey D.. Need ya over by the truck real quick.” Kenny appears a few feet in front of us.

“Gimme a minute.” Daryl doesn’t look up at the man. But I do. Daggers shooting out of my eyes as Kenny walks off, giving us our space.

“Go.” I shrug.

“I’ll be right back.”

“Whatever, ‘D’.. Just go.” I blurt. Letting my stupid feelings get the best of me.

Daryl looks at me, his brow furrowed, “That’s how it’s gonna be, huh?”

I don’t say anything. I can’t find words. No words other than ‘Don’t leave’ ‘I’m sorry’ ‘I love you so much I can’t seem to handle this like an adult’. My hunter sighs before standing up. His eyes on me, a long pause, before turning to head toward Kenny and Matt by the truck. I must have been holding my breath the entire time because suddenly I’m gulping and gasping for air as my lover walks away. Creating a further distance with each step and I already hate it. I hate how I ignored him just now. What the fuck is wrong with me? I get up and pace back and forth, my hands up over my head. I don’t wanna go inside. I don’t wanna stay here. Fuck it. I start to walk toward the garden where the ladies laugh and yap all day. Where they do way more socializing than working. I immediately see Gina, her back to the makeshift gate. Her hair up in that ponytail. Her hands to her slender hips. I can hear the ever present smile in her voice as she agrees with the other ladies about who knows what and the other.

The tug of war moment. Do I make my presence known or just keep walking. Keep to myself. Come out of my comfort zone and actually make friends. Distract myself from my own thoughts. From the knots in my stomach. The hot vomit just dying to spew itself out onto the street. All over my pathetic boots.

“Creepin’ on the ladies, Kiddo?” That voice. Tyler.

I roll my eyes and look up at him. A shit eating grin. I know this place isn’t that big, but why does he seem to just know where I am when I’m there alone? “I hate when you call me that.”

“I’ll never call you that again, then.” he sizes me up, “You alright? I know your friend is heading out on that run in the early morning.”

My heart aches. I don’t know what else to say. Everything is a big blur around me. A big hand on my shoulder. A part of me imagines and hopes that it’s my hunter’s. But that was impossible. Either way, I think I really needed it in that very split second.

Tyler takes it upon himself to brush the long hair from my face with his other monstrosity of a hand and it feels wrong. I pull away, “I’m not feeling so good. I think it’s the weather. I never did too good with the cold. I have that island blood, I guess.” A half smile across my face in an attempt to move forward.

“Let’s get you some tea. Got a few kinds in the pantry. That with a little honey will warm you up.” he smiles, eagerly.

The pantry wasn’t far at all. I just couldn’t bring myself to make the decision to start walking. Trying not to think of Daryl was my defense mechanism against myself. I had better start to figure something out now or I would die in here while he’s out there. For who knows how long. A part of me just wished he’d go already. Just go so we can get this departure over with. I don’t want to crumble. I want to be able to be my own person again. A better version of me with the love of my life by my side. But I want to be able to be ok without him too. At least while he was out doing what he needed to do for us. I wish my mind wasn’t so contradicting. Going back and forth with hating everything and loving. Back and forth with how I don’t even wanna try to exist without him next to me, to how badly I want to not have to be so phased and dead inside when he’s gone. I know I’ve never exactly been able to find any kind of balance in my life, but I meant it when I told him about that gray area. And it does exist now. And we are living in it.

“Tea sounds nice.” I say aloud with a hint of a smile.

 

\----------------------------------------

 

“All that blood there.. I don’t think I’mma get that out..” he crouches down, running his finger over small deep dents and ridged scrapes. Rusted with dried blood. Other things. Telling the tragic tale of the previous owners unfortunate expiration.

I squat next to him as he proudly wipes down his new toy, “I think it looks cool.” I say, my hand on his shoulder to pull myself up.

“This thing is a hybrid. Fucker had it custom made. Just a little banged to shit, but nothin’ I can’t fix up.” Daryl nods, squinting in the bright afternoon sun. He stands to his feet. A glow about him. A well rested glow. His bright blue eyes even brighter. A hint of a grin on his face.

“Get on.” he slaps my ass with the rag.

I laugh, gladly climbing up on the sexy machine. She felt nice under me, straddling her as I grip the handlebars. Daryl stood back, crossing his muscular arms over his chest. That crooked grin on his face widening.

“Does this turn you on, perv?” I lean over, arching my back to perk my ass out.

“Hhmm.. watch it..” my hunter points at me, raising an eyebrow. That damn raspy voice.

“Yeah?” I wink, suggestively rubbing the handlebars.

“Alright, get down” he digs the rag into his back pocket, lifting me off of his new prized possession.

I giggle, “Yes, sir.”

“You got a one track mind, girl.” he sets me down and takes a seat on the stairs. The very stairs we shared our most intimate of moments the night before. Just a few hours back.

I sit next to him, images of our make out session flooding my brain. The words he let jump from his lips to my ears right before we kissed. I wish I could rewind time. Live there a little longer. Taste him a little longer. Everything about last night was incredible. Saying ‘I love you’ for the first time and even though he didn’t say it back, even if it hadn’t ended the way it did, naked bodies twisting together under warm blankets, just holding his hand would have been enough.

 

\---------------------------------------------------

 

“Chase.. You there?” Tyler breaks my daydreams of Daryl. My beloved. ‘You got a one track mind,girl’.. That I do, Mr. Dixon.

“Sorry, I just.. I’m a bit under the weather. Head is in the clouds.” I sip the warm tea from an ‘I’m with stupid’ mug. The arrow pointing away from Tyler.

“It’s ok. Shit happens to the best of us.”

“Thanks for this. It’s really nice.” I accept the kind gesture, letting my guard down. Even if it was just this once.

Tyler smiled with that dimple deeper than a black hole. It seemed to go on forever and I wondered how the hell it didn’t go straight through to his other cheek. He was actually a really handsome guy when he wasn’t being an asshole. A drunk moronic disrespectful prick hole.

“I’ve been wanting to tell you that I’m sorry about that night at the party..” he confesses. Discomfort in bringing it up. “I was drinking.. Probably more than I should have” he laughs, his hand at the back of his head.

“It’s fine. Don’t even stress it.” I shake my head.

Tyler and I sat on opposite ends of the kitchen table in the house deemed the pantry. Where this lady, Miss Gary, guarded the food. She was the main chef in the community and knew how to make a little go a long way. I guess I never actually gave anyone a pinch of credit for contributing. For being here and making it this far just like Daryl and me. We weren’t the only ones worthy of a chance.

“Maybe you can keep watch with me. Get your mind off of not feeling well.” Tyler blurts. “I’d like that.”

“What happened to no distractions?” I raise an eyebrow.

“It’s fucking boring up there. Nothing ever happens. A rotter or two.” he laughs, “Plus I meant it when I said I wanted to get to know you. Spend some time with you.”

My eyes widen and I sip my tea, “Tyler, we-”

“I respect you. I do. And I mean no disrespect, but Chase.. You and Daryl are complete opposites. He definitely doesn’t give you the attention you need. Plus, you are way too hot for him. Just stating facts. Say I’m wrong.”

“You know..” I shake my head and stand up, “I thought we were getting somewhere.. The tea, the apology..”

“I’m being honest about what I see. Life is way too short to live half assed. And he’s half assing you. It’s not right. You deserve better.”

“You don’t fucking stop!” I stare at him like the three headed monster that he shows himself to be, “What’s better? What exactly do you think better is? You?”

“Yeah. As a matter of fact I do. I’d never hesitate to hold your hand in public. I’d never hesitate to hug and kiss you. Especially, when I’m leaving. Because who knows if it will be the last time I get to.” he pauses, “I’d damn sure make sure of it. But, see.. He doesn’t. And it kills you. I see it. It’s killing you right now.”

I see red. I feel rage. I grab the ‘I’m with stupid’ mug and violently throw it at him, bouncing it off of his chest. It falls to the floor and shatters. Porcelain and tea scattering with the sound of angry breaking glass. My heart in pieces on the floor with it.

“Chase.. I’m sorry.”

“Fuck yourself.” A tear falls down my cheek. I’m not crying. I don’t feel it. Just the one. I could waste my breath screaming at him. Punching on him. Getting all of my anger out on him, but I don’t. Truth is, from the outside looking in, he’s right. I can see where he’s coming from. But he doesn’t know Daryl like I do. No one does. He has no idea the things that he’s been through. That he’s overcome. And how amazing he makes me feel despite the lack of PDA. That shit is a show. And it’s not what matters.

I turn to leave and Tyler grabs my arm. Fuck. You did it. I turn and punch him in the gut. I try to catch him in his face, but he’s too tall. He’s grabbing both of my arms now and holding me down. A bear hug and I squirm to break free.

“Get the fuck off me!!” I yell. Not wanting to cause a scene. Hoping no one else hears it. I can handle my damn self. I flail wildly, elbowing him, kicking backward into his shins.

“Jesus, calm down!” he yells, holding me. I slam my head back hitting him over and over. Finally, he loosens his grip.

I push him. Grabbing for my knife, “You ever fucking touch me again, I’ll cut your balls off and feed ‘em to you.” I hold my blade against his dick. Pushing hard into the fabric of his pants. I growl through clenched teeth and I fight myself from stabbing him just for the sheer sake of doing it. Of showing him who’s in control of her own life.

Then suuddenly, a series of loud pops. Gunshots. I freeze.

BOOM!

What the fuck is going on? Daryl. My Daryl. I run out of the house, into a cloud of smoke. Tyler chasing after me. Tunnel vision. More gunshots. Screams. I realize I’m unarmed. Only carrying one of my knives, my trembling hand wrapped around it’s handle. I look around and Tyler is gone.

“Chase!” Gina yells for me. I follow her voice and see her arms outstretched for me to follow. “Hurry!”

BOOM!

Another loud pop. An explosion coming from the gates. The gates where the truck is parked. Where my love went to meet Kenny a short time ago. I’m frozen in place and Gina’s eyes are begging me to follow. But I don’t and she shuts the gate. I start to run toward the other side of the complex. Where Daryl and I sleep. Running directly into the chaos would be suicide.

“Daryl!” I cry out. Leaving myself completely exposed. People running everywhere. Some trying to take shelter. Others gearing up to fight. None knowing what the fuck was going on.

I quickly run into the house, “Daryl! Daryl!” My cries turning desperate as I run upstairs to grab my guns and the last two magazines I had left. Sitting by the door, my hunters crossbow. My stomach sank and I couldn’t breathe. I made the split decision to leave it where it sat, running down the stairs and out of the door.

Gunshots. They seemed to be falling out of the sky. Coming from everywhere and nowhere. And I wasn’t even sure they were aimed at anyone. Just.. shooting off at nothing. I stayed low, hiding between the houses before running out when my gut told me to. There was no time to think or feel. I just knew I had to find him. I can see the truck. Feet underneath. I couldn’t tell who’s or how many. But they were alive. Maybe wounded but alive. Moving. And fighting. I bolted between the last two houses, slamming my back against the facade, hard enough to knock me back. My guns clenched. I’m shaking. Trying to think before I act.

Unfamiliar voices. The sounds of soles stomping hard against the cold pavement. Guns in hand. I dropped to the ground, crawling toward the back of the house. My heart drumming so loudly. Uncontrollably in my ear.

“You don’t want this!” A mans voice. A voice sending chills down my spine.

Daryl. My Daryl. These people breached our walls before the sun had begun to go down. These people had balls. They knew our people. A sense of betrayal coming over me. Mixing with the million other things that I had to push back inside. I have to find my hunter. I have to be smart about it. I move back toward the front of the house, shuffling sounds. A few gunshots. My feet act before my brain can catch up. Before I know what hit me, strong arms scoop me up off of my feet. I accidentally shoot off one of my guns at the sudden impact.

“Drop ‘em! Get down!” A mans voice. The same man I heard. “Hands up!” I go to put my hands over my head. Something coming over me. Tired of being in this position. I grab my blade and drive it into the man’s leg. Almost immediately, a fist directly making contact with my face. There was more than one of them surrounding me. Choice words from the man who’s leg wore my blade handle as he pulls it out and tosses it angrily on the ground. A womans voice, as I was lifted up onto my knees. The familiar feeling of cold steel against the back of my head.

“Kenny.. You got 10 seconds or I blow her brains out.” The man cocks the weapon,“10...9...8…”

My hunter. My love. Daryl’s face is all I see. His voice is all I hear. As my life begins to flash before my eyes, it’s all moments with him. From that first arrow in the woods to the last time he spoke my name. The way he held me close. That crooked smile. The first time we held hands on our late friends bed. The pork rinds. That Old Heaven Hill. Those eyes. His scent. His taste. The way it felt to make love to him. His hands in my hair. All over my bare skin.

“7...6…”

I’m not afraid to die. I’m afraid of dying without telling him all of the things I feel for him. Not saying goodbye. Not getting the chance to hold him one last time. Breathe him in. Take in his beautiful face. One last time. I’d give anything for our story not to end this way. It just can’t end this way.

“5...4…”

I steady my breathing and close my eyes as tears run down my cheeks. I grip the music note around my neck, drawing comfort. I’ll wait for you on the other side, Dixon. Until we’re in each other’s arms again. Forever. I love you so much.

“Rick?” my hunter’s raspy voice brings me back. I open my eyes to see my love standing a few feet away. He’s spooked. Shaky as he aims his gun right at the man’s head. A look on his face I never seen before. He looks at me then back at the man pressing the gun against my skull. “Rick.. let her go, man.”

“You know these people?!” Kenny barks, coming up behind Daryl with his fully automatic rifle aimed right at us.

“Daryl?” The man named Rick, his voice cracks. The gun still pressed against me. “What are you doin’ here? With them?”

Daryl, still pointing the gun at Rick, “I said let her go.”

“Rick..” The woman pleads with the leader. “Put the gun down.”

Daryl and Rick don’t blink. Staring each other down like old friends turned foes. Confused and not sure what to think of the other man in this moment. Daryl still holding the gun aimed at Rick. Rick holding the gun aimed at me. Everyone else seemingly blending in the background of the aftermath of whatever war was raging between the two groups. A war we were kept in the dark about all this time.

“Nah..” Rick calmly grunts, “Him first.”

Daryl wipes the sweat from his eyes, looking at me looking at him. His eyes tell me to trust him. And I do. He’s compromised. He knows these people. But these people have me hostage. My hunter slowly puts the gun down. He begins to strip himself of his weapons willingly. “Rick.. it’s me. Please.. Let her go, man. Please. Don’t hurt her..” my hunter puts his hands up in surrender. Pleading for my safety.

“Rick..” The woman speaks again. Her voice low and shaky. “Rick..” finally, the man lowers his weapon. I blink rapidly as I realize I’m still alive, my hand to my chest.

Both men trying to dissect the situation. Rick pulls me to my feet and I look at him. His eyes are cold and blank. His face scarred. My eyes find the woman’s. She’s beautiful. Dark gorgeous skin. Statuesque. Long kept dreadlocks. A sword at her back. Gun in her hand. She is straight out of a movie where the women rule the Earth.

Rick walks over to the men, wincing from the stab wound to his leg, pointing his gun and tilting his head at Kenny “You owe me. You stole from me. I want it back. Now.”

“It was a fair trade, Grimes. The guns for the crops.” Kenny seemed to fear the man named Rick.

“You took more than your share. I want it back.” Rick growled. “The gun you took. Where is it? Give it to me and this is done.”

“This is crazy! You blow through our gates like a bunch of psycho’s over a damn pistol?” Kenny snaps.

Rick pulls his gun and shoots Kenny in the leg, right under his knee. Kenny screams and falls to the ground. I jump back. Suddenly more people appear around us. People I’ve never seen before.

“Daryl?!” A female with shoulder length brown hair, covers her mouth in a gasp at the sight of my hunter. My love looking upon what appears to be a group of his people. Possibly the people he spoke of before that may have still been out there. He said they were good. But the look on his face told me he wasn’t too sure about that anymore.

Joss, Matt and Tyler run over. Joss falls to her knees beside Kenny.

“Any fatalities?” Rick looks around at his soldiers. All of them collectively shaking their heads no. Rick tilts his head to crack his neck.

“So we didn’t kill anybody. And we won’t.” Rick pauses, “Get me that fucking gun. Now.”

“Rick..” Daryl speaks, “I didn’t know. ‘Bout any of it.”

Rick looks at my love, “We’ll talk.”

“You” Rick points to Tyler, “Help his ass up and get my gun. Holster too. I’ll shoot him again”

“OK! Alright! No more of this!” Joss yells through tears. The hard ass woman who loved to hate me reduced to a puddle on the ground, “Get the fucking gun! Then this is over! You get the fuck out of here and never come back!”

“Glenn, Maggie.. Escort ‘em. We’ll wait.” Rick calls the shots.

Daryl walks over to me and I wrap my arms around him. Trying not to show too much emotion around Rick and his people. Rick looks at me as I press myself against my hunter. A small almost non existent smirk on his face.

“She with you?” Rick asks Daryl.

“She’s with me.” My hunter doesn’t hesitate.


	24. Waiting For Repairs..

We aren’t welcome anymore. Not that we ever truly were. Not deep down below the surface of fake smiles and the battery operated welcome wagon. Daryl was sought after. The feral man on the front lines. The one they’d mourn the least. If at all. Those things I was feeling, well, they were legit. I don’t believe that my life would have been spared if it hadn’t been for Daryl. No one would have come out to save me. Not Kenny. Not Joss. Not even Tyler. Rick would have counted down to 1 and blew my head off. No questions asked. No remorse.

Something was off about him. Something happened to make him this way. Something terrible. Daryl didn’t talk much as he mounted his crossbow to his hybrid Triumph. I stuffed what little we had into my backpack while Joss and Tyler watched, guns in hand. Joss looked broken. Her rough exterior just a front, cracking and falling apart all around her. A harsh reminder that they were never truly safe. None of us were. Reality biting her on the ass. She stared at my hunter. A little too hard for my liking. Threat in her eyes. As if making a promise that we’ll meet again. I followed my love, mounting the bike behind him as Rick and the others waited ahead in an RV. I shook my head at the level of ‘no fucks given’ from this smaller group that I would now be part of as Daryl revved the engine, it’s power purring under us. I held on and just like that we were off.

As crazy and unhinged as Rick seems, I trust him. The look in that girl’s eyes when she saw my hunter. A look as if finding the last of your remaining relatives in a crowd. A relative you were sure had died and took a piece of you with them long ago. Rick and his people had a camp. And even if they didn’t, we would have followed. Daryl had history with them. Possibly more history than he ever had with anyone else. I rest my eyes, holding him tight as we ride to who knows where. The sun had started to set, lighting up the sky as it did. Rick hadn’t mentioned exactly where they were held up. Rick hadn’t spoke too much about anything. And he didn’t have to. The fire in his eyes told more than his lips could ever speak.

The further we drifted from Joss and the others, the calmer I felt. Occasionally looking up at the RV to make sure it was still ahead. We were still on it’s tail. I wanted to be sure that I hadn’t completely dreamed it all up. I have a knack for that, you know. Just as I close my eyes again, resting against my hunter, we began to slow. Creeping along to a stop and I could swear we were still moving. A ghost engine still screaming and vibrating under us instead of the low idle. I sat up, Daryl glancing back at me as the large rusted gate in front of us opened. They had an actual safe zone. It wasn’t just a camp. How many more communities and groups were out there like this? So naive and ready for a rude awakening. Such a bigger world than I could have ever imagined existed in the end times we call reality.

The RV comes to a stop. We ride up beside it as the sound of the slamming gates cause me to jump a little. I climb off the bike. And then my hunter. Rick and the others begin to pile out of the motor home. An awkward homecoming. Daryl looks around struggling to familiarize himself with his new surroundings. Faces that he seems to know but doesn’t quite recognize. 

“Glad to have you back, Daryl.” The Asian man pats my hunter on the back with a smile as Rick storms off. Not giving a second glance at his long lost friend. We watch the leader walk away, disappearing into one of the garages, “Things have been..”

“Rick ain’t himself.” Daryl observes. Concern and disappointment in his voice, “What happened?”

The other man doesn’t say another word. A slight shake of his head and a solemn expression. A subject he seems to not want to discuss. Or know how to. The warrior woman with the sword and the other woman with the brown hair walk over to us. Daryl, lost in his thoughts, turns to eye the garage. 

“I’m Maggie.” The brunette speaks with a kind Southern accent, directing her attention at me, “This is my husband, Glenn.”

“Michonne.” 

I nod, a half smile as we formally introduce ourselves, “Chase.”

Just then Rick charges out of the garage, a white bandage wrapped around his leg. Dark red from the stab wound already seeping through. A slight limp, but it doesn’t slow him down one bit. A blank expression on the man’s face as he points to me, “You..” points to Daryl, “And you.. We gotta talk.. Michonne.” He nods to the woman to follow. Michonne looks at Daryl. Her face begging for my hunter to forgive Rick’s intensity. To forgive Rick’s coldness. The man was clearly on a mission. A machine-like demeanor. I would lie if I said he didn’t intimidate the hell out of me. He walks and we follow, toward a small brick house at the center of the community. I look up at the night sky, a huge cluster of stars and a bright moon lighting the way. Rick opens the door and we pile in. The room was dim and sterile. A long table and chairs. 

“Sit.” Rick calmly orders as Michonne pulls a seat, straddling it and crossing her arms over the back. I watch Daryl, staring at Rick. The two men burning holes right through each other. I’m caught in the middle of something bigger that I don’t quite understand. I stay standing. I go where Daryl goes. My heart pounds as my hunter takes a seat and I follow, pulling a chair next to him. 

“You got somethin’ you wanna say to me?” Daryl clenches his jaw.

Rick takes a seat across from us, “You workin’ for them?” 

“I ain’t workin’ for nobody.” Daryl grunts, “I ain’t the bad guy. You know that”

“Who are you?” Rick turns his interrogation to me. I feel my face get hot as I open my mouth to answer.

“She ain’t one of ‘em.” Daryl defensively blurts.

“She can speak for herself.” The leader snaps, not taking his eyes off of me.

I look at Daryl. At Rick. 

“My name is Chase...I’m from New York... I met Daryl in the woods.. We were both alone” I nervously try to think straight, my body heat rising. “Weeks ago.. No.. months ago.. I can’t remember.. It’s been a while..” I pause and look over at Daryl, “He saved my life.”

“Sounds about right.” Michonne looks at Rick, her face serious. Speaking in silence. Reassuring the leader that we aren’t the threat. Reminding him that Daryl is the same as he ever was. 

Ricks features suddenly soften, he sighs as he leans his forearms onto the table. His body language changes. Relaxes. Calms. He seems to have woken up from a horrible dream. Sleepwalking his way through a hellish nightmare. “Daryl..” he says as if just now realizing the presence of my hunter. 

“It’s me, Rick. Same me it always was.”

“I know.” Rick sighs, “I know.. Wouldn’t have brought you back here if I didn’t.”

“How long were you with Kenny’s people?” Michonne asks.

“A few weeks. He never mentioned shit to me ‘bout other groups. Had me runnin’ errands. Doin’ dirty work. Stupid shit. He’d come, but had me and this kid Matt doin’ most of it. Was ‘bout to head out to South Carolina on a run before ya’ll fucked shit up back there.”

“Reckless. But effective.” A smirk across Michonne’s face. She looks over at Rick.

“Glad ya did it.” My hunter nods, “Chase wasn’t havin’ too good a feelin’ ‘bout them people since day 1. But they got them walls up.. guess I figured she had a better chance.”

“Ours are higher.” Rick gets serious again. He looks at me, “If you say she’s one of us.. Then she is.” he pauses, turning his attention to Daryl, “Anything happens.. It’s on you.”

“She’s one of us.” My hunter says firmly and my heart skips a beat, “She belongs here.”

“Well, alright. I’ll forgive you for stabbin’ me.” Rick grins, “Don’t ever fucking do it again.”

“Sorry, I punched you.” Michonne says with a shrug, “But you did stab him.”

I rub the side of my face, still aching a bit, “It’s nothing. You did what you had to do.. We all did.”

The four of us nod, exchanging glances. The sound of a chair dragging along the floor breaks the silence as Rick stands to his feet, “We can continue this tomorrow. Take the empty rooms in house 24 on the end. It’s empty so you won’t startle anyone. Rest up. We’ll reconvene in the mornin’”

We naturally follow suit and stand. A huge toothy smile over Michonne’s face as she wraps her long slender arms around Daryl, “We missed you.” her voice a soft sincere whisper.

Rick brings his hand to grip my hunter’s shoulder as Michonne pulls away, “Welcome home, Brother.” he nods. 

 

\--------------------------------------------------

 

The house is empty. Quiet. I’m exhausted from the day’s events. From the rollercoaster of emotions. Getting knocked in the face. My love sits outside atop the wood porch railing having a smoke. Collecting himself. I look down at him from the bedroom window for a moment before unzipping my hoodie and sliding it off. I begin to undress, ridding myself of the energy charged fibers. I pull a thin tan tank out of my bag and slip it over my head, allowing my long dark hair to run wild and fall everywhere. I look down at my feet. My breasts. My arms. A deep sigh escaping my lips and I can’t help but run to the window to get another glimpse of my love. My heart sinks. He isn’t there. I lean out to look around, standing tip toed. 

A gentle knock at the door. Daryl. I turn to find my hunter standing in the doorway. Everytime I see him it’s like the very first time all over again, “You ok?” I ask.

“Gonna be.” he walks into the room, closing the door behind him, “What you lookin’ at?”

“Nothing.” I wave my hand, turning to close to window. 

“You ok?”

I stand in a tank and striped bikini briefs on the opposite side of the bed facing him. I cross my colorful arms in front of me, “Yeah. I think I am.”

Daryl takes his vest off and sets it down on the chair with my stuff. He kicks his shoes to the side as he digs in my backpack, pulling out a candybar. My last Snickers.

“I was saving that for a special occasion.” I shake my head with a smile.

Daryl plops on the bed, ripping the wrapper open, “Tonight’s ‘bout as good as any.”

I climb onto the bed, kneeling next to him as he pulls the wrapper down, revealing the delicious chocolate treat and holds it to my lips. I’m unable to resist as I bite down taking a piece into my mouth, strings of caramel stretching thinner and thinner before snapping apart and sticking to my chin. I giggle, wiping the mess as my lover takes a bite. 

“Take these off. Get comfortable.” I chew, unbuttoning and unzipping his black pants.

He sits back, watching me. Taking another bite before handing me the rest. Beasting on what’s left of the Snickers bar, I chew as best as I could before opening my mouth to talk, “Rick.. was he always so intense?”

Daryl lays down, his hand behind his head “Not like that. Somethin’s changed. He ain’t himself”

“These are the people you were searching for when we met.”

“Mmhhhmmm.. This ain’t all. There were more of us.” His voice lower. My hunter looks up at the ceiling as I kneel next to him. “Gonna find out what’s goin’ on with Rick. I was supposed to be there for ‘em. All of ‘em..And I wasn’t”

“Whatever it is isn’t your fault. You would have been there if you could have.”

“I should have. I should have found ‘em. I messed up” A blank stare on my lovers face.

“Well.. you’re here now. And it’s the way it was meant to happen. Don’t beat yourself up for things that are out of your control.” I place my hand on his thigh. “I’m sure Rick-”

“You don’t know Rick.” Daryl barks defensively. “You don’t know nothin’ ‘bout what we been through.”

My mouth hangs open and I stupidly nod. I try to tell myself that it isn’t me. He just needs his space to deal with the heavy load that just hit him in the gut. His friends are back in his life but the huge gap missing on the timeline seemed to have caused a rift. My selfish love for him scaring me into thinking that this reunion with those closest to him may cause my hunter to disregard me. Crawl back into his shell after we’ve made such progress. I don’t want to resent anyone for their level of importance in his life. I just yearn to be the most important. How fucking selfish of me. I hate myself for having these thoughts. These feelings. I rub the side of my face where Michonne must have knocked sense out of me.

“I’m sorry.” My hunter looks at me, “I didn’t mean to snap at you like that.”

“It’s ok...” I nod and shake my head. Not knowing exactly which gesture suits how I feel. Or how I want him to think I feel, “I can take the other room tonight if you need to be alone..”

He lets out a deep sigh, “No.. stay.”

I have so many questions. There’s so much that I just don’t know about Rick and his people. His relationship with Daryl. Things they’ve been through that I may never know about. I lay next to him, my arm stretching across his waist. His body warm, inviting me closer and I answer it’s call. Snuggling my little self into him. 

“Your face ok?” he asks, gently touching the sore flesh that got acquainted with Michonne’s fist some hours ago, “A little red there..”

“Gonna be.” 

 

\---------------------------------------------

 

Daryl isn’t here. I could sense it even before I opened my eyes and reached for him. My sore face and neck buried in the soft pillow under me. I wince as I lift myself up, slowly, scanning the room for my love. Somewhere between sleep and wake, he left and I didn’t notice. I force myself up and showered. Dressing in the same tired clothes I wish I didn’t have to wear. Uncomfortably tugging and pulling on them. I walk down the stairs to explore the new place in daylight. It was pretty modern. Marble countertops in the large kitchen. Gray and black backsplash. Stainless steel. The fancy things we think we need in life until we don’t anymore. A knock at the door startles me. I walk over and open it, the sunlight hitting me hard in the face. Maggie. I think that’s her name.

“Mornin’ Chase.” The taller woman smiles. She’s wearing a long sleeve gray shirt with black skinnies. Her big green eyes sparkling in the sun. She could be a model, she’s so beautiful.

“Good Morning.” I curl my lips into a smile, pathetically as my stiff cheek makes me feel like I’m on novocaine. Only I’m numb to nothing.

“Come, eat somethin’.” Her southern accent is soothing, “Got plenty of oatmeal.”

“Umm.. sure. That sounds great. Thank you.” I nod and follow Maggie. Looking around and observing my new surroundings in the bright morning sun. I zip my hoodie as the cool air nips at my bare chest. I feel awkward. I wonder what Maggie thinks of me. Who she thinks I am. 

“Daryl says you’re from New York.” She breaks the silence and my skin tingles at the sound of his name, “I visited once. Definitely much different than Atlanta.”

“Yeah.. Manhattan is a world all it’s own. I miss it.. But I don’t.” Maybe I’m talking too much. Maybe she doesn’t care and she’s just starting conversation to be nice. Why am I so nervous? Ask her about her, Chase..

“Are you from Atlanta?” I stick my hands in my pockets.

“A bit outside. But it’s the closest city to where I’m from.” Maggie entertains my inquiry as we walk toward the same small brick house that Rick sat us down in last night. 

Maggie opens the door and motions for me to walk in. My eyes naturally find my hunter leaning against the windowsill in the corner of the room. Everyone else, a blur in my peripheral vision. I want to stop staring at him but I can’t seem to look away. The sunlight hitting him perfectly, creating a glowing effect. Angels do exist. And you’re my angel, Daryl Dixon. His eyes finally find mine and I make my way toward my love, perching next to him on the wide windowsill. 

“Hungry?” Michonne asks, walking up to me with a cup of oatmeal, “It’s still hot”

I smile and accept, “Thank you.”

“This is Carol..” Michonne points to a classically beautiful older woman with short gray hair. “She made the oatmeal.. Trust me, it’s to die for.”

Carol smiles as she takes a seat. A younger brunette woman waves from across the table, “I’m Tara. Cool hoodie.” she says with a mouthful of oats.

I smile timidly, “Thanks. I’m Chase.. nice to meet you all”

Rick walks in and my stomach drops to my right foot. I’m suddenly aware of my posture. Of the look on my face. How loudly I’m breathing. I can’t explain the gigantic presence this man has when he enters a room. You just better make sure you have your shit on straight.

Rick stands at the far end of the table demanding everyone’s attention. “This is Chase.” he introduces me, “Daryl brought her in. She’s good people.. One of us now.”

Eyes and ears on their leader intently. The room still and silent as he continues, “Got what we went for.. But we left a big mess... If they’re smart, they’ll let it be. Call it water under the bridge..” He pauses “But they ain’t smart.. They’ll be comin’ for us.. And when they do, we’ll be ready.”

“You didn’t kill anyone..” Carol crosses her arms. Her blue shirt matching her eyes, “Do you think they’d take the risk of retaliation?”

“I plugged Kenny in the leg. He’ll live but they might feel bitter ‘bout that.” Rick confesses with a smirk, “All I’m sayin’ is be ready for anything. We’re not burying any more of our own. No more.”

“We did more damage than we intended.” Michonne looks at Rick.

“It went the way it had to.” Rick snaps. Silence falls. I glance around the room. Everyone cold faced and waiting for someone else to speak to carry the moment forward. The leader turns his back to us, his hands to his hips. 

“We were acting on emotion.” Glenn chimes in, “I’m with you. You know I always have your back. I did yesterday. But we gotta keep a level head. They aren’t the ones..”

“They took his gun. It was personal.” Rick growls, turning to face Glenn.

“We didn’t have to go that far.” Glenn says. “I understand-”

“You don’t!” Rick spits, “You can never understand!”

“Rick..” Michonne shakes her head, looking at the leader with fear in her eyes, “It’s done.”

The leader paces back and forth, his hand over his face. He doesn’t say a word as he walks out of the room. Out of the house. Michonne runs after him.

“Good talk..” Glenn sarcastically sighs, running his hands over his lap as Maggie stands behind him, her hands on his shoulders.

“Who was it?” Daryl asks.

“They’re already dead.” Glenn shakes his head, “It’s done..”

“What..happened?” I ask, thinking out loud. 

A collective sigh fills the air. Carol gets up and brushes herself off, “Welp.. looks like we opened up a door best left closed... Again.” She looks over at Daryl, “Come have a smoke with me later.. We got some catching up to do” 

“Alright. Save me one.” My hunter responds. That deep raspy drawl of his. The older woman walks out of the house as the others stand to follow, looking back at us with fragile glances. Daryl waits until we’re alone before he speaks, “Rick’s son..” he looks down.

“Fuck.” my hand over my mouth. “People?”

“Mmhhhmmm. Right in front of him.” Daryl plays with his hands, “Fuckin’ sucks. Glenn said he was worse. Thought they lost him for good.”

“I’m sorry..” I place my hand on his back to offer some comfort.

“Me too.” My love takes a deep breath, slowly exhaling, “Ain’t nobody the same as they used to be. Not on the inside.”

I sit staring blankly out in front of me. I don’t know Rick. I didn’t know his son. But my heart breaks for these people. Daryl’s family. The first souls in my hunter’s life to give a damn. My brain exploding with questions that I may never grow the balls to ask. The how’s and why’s floating about in my skull. How did they all end up together? What went wrong? 

“The gun.. The reason for the attack.. It belonged to his son..” I look at Daryl.

“His name was Carl.” my hunter hangs his head, “Damn fuckin’ shame.”


	25. Ass-Beer Air Guitar..

His name was Carl Grimes. He was only 15 years old. The most impressionable time of a young man’s life overtaken and consumed by the dead walking. The end of the world that he never got the chance to experience. A 15 year cap to a young life stolen mercilessly by the living. The consciously breathing. As the days go on, the darker those days become. The things we had initially feared the most, now just an afterthought. A nagging background annoyance to the new carnage and evil that we literally create for ourselves. One mindless killing leads to another. Then another. Another. Becoming unsettlingly numb as we tell ourselves it’s for protection. Survival. Defending our loved ones. And in most cases it truly is. But does that justify it? My hunter has taken lives. He’s killed people. Plural. Fathers and sons. More people than I’ve witnessed. If those killings were in self defense, does that still make him a murderer? Does it go both ways? I don’t know what it’s like to take a human life. Not yet. But I do know, now, what it's like to love someone. I mean, really love someone. And in all the questions and theories surrounding morale and humanity, I am prepared to kill for love. And I will. I know that one day I’ll have to. I don't know what that says about me. I don't know if it's right or wrong. I don’t know that it will be in self defense. A selfish act to prolong just a few minutes more with the love of my life. All I know is that it is and it makes us what it makes us. Rick killed the man who made that decision to raise his gun and end his only son’s life. While I don’t know the full story. The seconds leading up to the bullet leaving the barrel. In my heart I believe Rick did exactly what he should have done. What Daryl would have done. What I would have done.

\-----------------------------------------------------

 

“This beer is disgusting.” Glenn grimaces before taking another swig of the skunky Miller Lite. What I would consider to be a delicacy, these days.

Daryl chugs a can in a matter of seconds, “I definitely had worse.” he belches. Sexy.

I shake my head, a gentle laugh escaping my lips as we sit in Maggie and Glenn’s home. The four of us sitting around drinking and bullshitting. Reminiscent of the old days. Escaping from the world outside these walls, even if it’s just for tonight. Just for a few hours.

“Maggie, what happened to that wine we had?” Glenn asks.

His beautiful Georgian wife doing her best to keep a straight face as she puts her beer down on the coffee table, “We drank it.”

“Right.. Of course.” Glenn laughs.

“I was never able to keep a bottle of anything in my apartment. I wouldn’t be able to not drink it if I knew it was there.” I laugh, polishing off the beer in my hand and placing it on the table with the empties.

“I always wanted to go to New York City.” Glenn looks at me, “Wish I would have just said screw it and took the trip..”

“You can come with Daryl and me. When this is all over..” I look at my hunter, “I’m gonna show him around the best whiskey spots.”

Maggie sighs, “Well.. sign us up then.” she smiles through defeat. Through the uncertainty and the probability that our trip will never ever happen. Never.

“She’s good for that.” Daryl opens another can and drinks, “Dreamin’ shit up”

“Well it keeps me going. Drills some kind of hope into my brain to hold onto.” I look at him.

“I get it.” Maggie backs me up, “We’ll get there someday… someday.”

A somber moment of silence fills the air.

“So, Chase..” Glenn scrunches up his face, almost choking on the beer he was desperately forcing himself to finish, “How long did those tattoo sleeves take?”

“Did it hurt?” Maggie adds, “Been wantin’ to ask you that.”

I run my hands over my lines and colors, “Took a few years and a bunch of sessions. Cost a pretty penny too. They definitely hurt.” I laugh, “But I kept going back for more so I guess it’s not the worst pain”

“I think they look badass.” Maggie smiles, “I could never.. But I do like ‘em on you”

“Thanks.” I smile as Daryl cracks a beer open and hands it to me, “I’d probably be covered head to toe already had the world not gone to complete shit.”

“Nah.” Daryl shakes his head.

“Nah, what?” I laugh, my skin warm from the beer.

“Them tattoos you got look good. Any more would take away from it.”

My heart skips. My love said my tattoos look good. A shy smile finds my lips just as vulnerable as I am on the inside.

“Got a point there” Glenn agrees, sinking back into the couch. “We missed you, Dixon. It’s been a long, long several months.”

“Too much happened.” Maggie’s demeanor changes. She lowers her head.

“I shoulda been here. I shouldn’t’ve slowed down and stopped lookin’. A lot of it’s on me.” Daryl looks down at his hands.

Glenn shakes his head, “No way, Daryl. None of this is your fault. No fucking way.”

Daryl sighs, “I Shouldn’t’ve. Not if I coulda-”

“We don’t have to talk about this right now.” Maggie looks up, “What happened to Carl..” Her voice cracks, “To Beth.. It's no one’s fault. Especially not yours, Daryl..” She pauses, grabbing another beer and cracking it open, “Now stop it, before Chase thinks all we do is mope around and feel sorry for ourselves.”

“No. I would never think that..” I look down. Unable to imagine the full extent of the horrible things they’ve been through collectively. The people they’ve lost. Although, I’ve have my fair share.

“What did you like to do before all this?” Glenn asks me. Gladly changing the subject.

“Eat.” I laugh, “I was real simple. Eat, drink, sleep, repeat.”

Daryl adds, “Listenin’ to music.. swimmin’.. sittin’ on the beach.. art an’ all that shit.. she likes to sing too. I heard it. Go on, sing us a song..” a sarcastic laugh from my love.

I playfully push him, “I’m really the worst singer of all time, and you know it. That was completely alcohol induced and shall never be repeated. Unless, I'm completely bombed at a karaoke bar. You've been warned."

“Alright.. Whatever you say..” a crooked, beer coated smile on my hunters face.

“What about you guys?” I ask, eager to learn more about the couple who has been so sincerely nice to me in the few days I’ve known them. The few days since being welcomed into Daryl’s family.

“Well..” Glenn starts, “I liked music too. Always had my headphones on tuning the world out. Used to play computer games like a huge geek. Probably more than I should have.” he laughs, “I used to like to build stuff. On the computer.. That is.. I’m not that cool”

Glenn nods at Maggie, passing the invisible torch.

“I grew up on my daddy’s farm.” Maggie smiles, “Loved to ride horses.. My favorite horse was a brown one, I named chocolate.” She laughs a little as she reminisces a simpler time, “My sister and I would sit around and sing. She was a much better singer than I was. We’d pretend we were famous. Put on shows for the family.”

“We’re a very musical bunch” Glenn laughs.

“Ya’ll three can start a band.” Daryl shakes his head, “Actually..please don’t.”

Glenn laughs, “Too bad we don’t have Rock Band instruments laying around.”

“Yes!” I get way too excited, “Fuck, that would be amazing! Playstation?”

“What else? Of course! Ever play air Rock Band guitar?” Glenn’s cheeks flush, a huge grin on his face. I think the ass-beer started to hit him.

Daryl looks over at Maggie laughing at us as I almost spit beer across the room. I’m laughing so hard I might piss myself. Fuck, I miss just laughing and dicking around like this.

“Oh my God! I thought I was the only one! Actually, I play air Rock Band bass.” I boast, bringing my hands up to mimic the motion. Slappin' the bass, “And can we talk about how it’s expert bass?”

Glenn laughs, “Expert guitarist, myself.” He puts a hand to his chest and nods, “Maggie can sing and Daryl on drums! Boom! Got ourselves a shitty band!”

Maggie raises her hand, “I’m in! Daryl?”

I shift to the left and nudge my hunter, “Come on, Dixon..”

“Fine.” he grunts, “But I ain’t playin’ no bullshit. None of that pussy rock. If we play, we play right.”

“Deal!” Glenn laughs, “Daryl, your girlfriend is cool as hell. Kudos!” He holds up another skunky beer can in salute.

His girlfriend? His girlfriend. My face turns bright red and I lose my ability to breathe. Did he just assume that I was Daryl’s girl? Did Daryl tell him I was? Does everyone think that we’re together? Do they know we sleep in the same bed? Is it obvious?

My hunter clears his throat, sets his beer down before digging into his pocket, “Be back. Gonna have a smoke.”

My instinct is to follow him. Because I hate being further from him than I have to be. But I don’t as he walks out of the house. Did Glenn’s words make him feel weird? Is he mad? Did I do something wrong?

“So..” Maggie leans in closer as if she doesn’t want the universe to hear. Her voice softens into a slight whisper, “I don’t mean to pry.. and you don’t have to answer.. but.. ya’ll are together, right?” A wide grin across her face.

Glenn’s eyes widen, chugging his skunky ass-beer, “Shit, did I just..?”

I sigh, “I really wish I knew how to answer that. Daryl’s just...”

“He clearly has feelings for you.” Maggie’s face lights up, “I can see it. I can feel it. Since back there at Kenny's. He’s different.. It’s like, he’s.. Evolved. Maybe that’s not the right word..” She pauses, words dancing around her head as she tries to figure out how to piece them together, “He needs a nice girl in his life. It’d be good for him. The chemistry between you two is definitely strong. I never saw him like this.”

“Really?” I try not to squeal, my face lighting up, “I mean.. We kinda talked about it but.. I would say we’re together. I mean, to me, we are. We’re definitely involved. Labels or not” I sigh, clutching my beloved little music note, “but it's complicated. Just my luck that the first person I’ve ever really had feelings for, I meet in the middle of a real life horror movie.”

“Same here.” Glenn looks at Maggie with a loving smile. Touching a hand to hers. They are so cute and in love. So perfect for each other, “Better to find the love of your life when everything else seems hopeless, than not at all.”

“Makes you really appreciate the little things. The things that matter most.” she squeezes his hand, “Brings you back to life.”

I take a sip from the can of beer that my love opened for me. Handing it to me without me having to ask. The little things, “You can say that again.”

“Not to make things weird or anything, but my sister, Beth…” Maggie sighs, “She had a big crush on Daryl.. For a while.. Before she.. “ she pauses, “Well.... She used to try with him. But he never let her in. Never reciprocated. I never saw him interact with anyone the way he does with you. Seriously. It means a whole lot of somethin’.I care about Daryl. We all do. We just want him to find peace. That's all.”

“We didn’t think he liked girls at all.” Glenn blurts. Maggie immediately smacks him on the arm, “What? It’s true!”

“Maybe you should put the beer down.” She shakes her head.

My heart sinks as the doorknob turns. My hunter. My love. The one who drives me out of my mind yet keeps me calm all at the same time. He takes his seat next to me, scooping up his beer in that strong hand of his to drink some more. The faint smell of cigarettes and cool air. I do the same, nervously chugging. Maggie can tell that he has feelings for me. She can see it. I want to touch him. I want to be able to place my hand lovingly on his just the same. In front of everyone. I want him to acknowledge that I’m his. I watch him. The way he moves. His body language. The way his black hoodie fits him like it was made just for him. Outlining those shoulders. Those biceps. The same black hoodie that he laid me down on while we made love.

“What?” my hunter looks at me, looking at him. Glenn, bringing the beer to his lips once more in my peripheral.

I crack a timid smile. Fuck it. I sneak my hand over his thigh, taking a chance. He tenses up and I slowly shift my body a hair closer. I’m your girlfriend, Dixon. If you don’t deny it to my face, right now, in this moment.. In front of your people, then dammit. I’m your girl and you’re my man. A silent officiating of our relationship. Because I want no one else but you. I want nothing more than to spend every second with you for the rest of my life.

He takes a deep breath in, then out, before bringing the beer to his lips. Taking the can into his left hand, he places his right over mine. Oh. My. Fuck. Seriously? I pull my lips tight over my teeth. Not wanting to lose my shit in front of my new friends. A crazy, ridiculous smile threatening to light up the room. A weird unexplained noise trying so desperately to escape from deep down inside. I’m blushing so hard, it’s giving me a headache. The most beautiful headache of my life to which I welcome with open arms. Here, have a shitty beer with us! For it’s a glorious occasion!

Maggie smiles as Daryl shifts his hand, moving his fingers to lace with mine. Slowly and as if no one else knows. I want to lean over and kiss him, but it may be too much. One step at a time. Holding hands that night at Joss’ meant absolutely nothing on the scale of what this means. He’s accepting me in front of his people. His family. And they are accepting me too. I’m so happy I could die. But I don't want to. I want to live with this man forever.

“3 more beers..” Glenn counts, “Takers?”

My hunter laughs, “You lit already, huh?”

“What? I’m not drunk!” Glenn defends behind a tipsy giggle.

“Yup. He’s drunk.” Maggie shakes her head.

“Fuckin’ lightweight.” Daryl chugs the rest of his Miller Lite, holding my hand, as I crash land on another planet. The happiest planet I’ve ever completely face planted on.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Daryl. My love. Those beautiful baby blues looking me up and down. He’s quiet. Breathing softly as he tilts his head slightly to the right. A split second half smile creeps across his face. So quick and subtle, I’m the only one in the world that would be able to notice. He stands in the kitchen doorway, staring at me as if from behind one of those trick mirror windows. Confident that I might not even know he was there. I stand against the counter, bringing a glass of water to my lips as we silently hold eye contact.

“I think I drank too much..” I ask, feeling the cool water fill my belly, “I don’t feel so good.” I push on my stomach.

“That beer was shit. And you ain’t eatin’ right.” my hunter takes a seat at our kitchen table. The third place we’ve called home together.

“You know more about my eating schedule than I do.” I laugh. But he doesn't react. His face, serious.

“You tellin’ people you’re my girlfriend?” my hunter's eyes burn right through me. And I can't tell what he's thinking behind them.

My eyes widen, taken aback by the question, “Umm no..” I cross my arms, “Would you be mad if I had?”

He bites at his bottom lip, “Hhmmm..” he shrugs.

“Am I?” I ask, my heart racing, “Am I your girlfriend, Dixon?”

He shrugs, his ears blushing red through his shaggy hair. He looks at me, “You feelin’ like you wanna be?”

“Of course I want to be.” I could smack you over the head with this bleeding heart I’ve been wearing on my sleeve for you, “But I can’t make you want it too.. So...only if you want me to be.”

“I want you to be.” my hunter confesses. His raspy voice low and sincere. I die five million times and I feel like I might hurl. But in the bestest way a person can possibly hurl.

"I am." my face lights up as I nod, gazing into my lovers beautiful sleepy eyes, "I'm yours."

Daryl Dixon is my boyfriend. But for real. For once, I'm not making this up. 'Oh hi, I’m Chase and this is my boyfriend, Daryl. Isn't he the hottest thing you've ever seen in your life?' I can’t feel my skin. It’s tingling so much I think it disintegrated. Leaving me just muscle and bones. My heart is fluttering alongside those butterfly friends of mine. I am beyond elated. A warmth coming over me. Blanketing me in comfort. That moment when the one and only thing you ever wanted in your entire life wants you back. I’m overcome with the urge to have him inside of me. I need him inside. All over me and melting into me as we become one. This time, out loud. This time as boyfriend and girlfriend. Consummating the progression of our relationship.

“In the bedroom, boyfriend. Now.” I stand to my feet and grab his hand, lust in my eyes. Wasting no time leading him up the stairs to our bed.

“Yes Ma’am.” my hunter grins.


	26. Heavier Things.. (Daryl POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super short chapter, I know.. I was going to make it an alternating POV, but wanted to get something posted cause it's literally been over a month since my last update. This is a quick Daryl POV to dig a little bit into what the group is going through and it's an intimate moment between the group that just couldn't work through Chase's perspective. Again, the main focus of this story is the relationship between Chase and Daryl and will not shift to revolve around Rick and the group but I am really happy to get to add them into the mix. I am working on the next chapter and should definitely have something up ASAP. I hope you still give a fuck about this story haha xoxo

“What is this?” Rick raises an eyebrow. He’s lookin’ at Glenn. And at me. “This a gang bang? You gangin’ up on me?” 

Glenn’s shakin’ his head, “No one is against you, Rick.”

“Just worried ‘bout ya, man.” I look at Rick and he knows I mean what I'm sayin’. Or maybe he don't. 

“Michonne..” Rick looks at her. Then at Carol. All of us standin’ ‘round the table. 

“We need to talk about it.” Michonne says, “We have to.”

“There’s nothin’ to talk about.” Rick makes his rounds starin’ each one of us down. He’s sweatin’ and I get to thinkin’ maybe we all shouldn’t be standin’ ‘round ‘em like some goddamn botched episode of intervention. I touch Carol’s arm and she looks at me. I signal for her to sit and we do. Rick ain’t one to take a likin’ to feelin’ backed up into a corner. ‘Specially by the ones he calls family.

Michonne puts a hand on Rick’s shoulder and he’s lookin’ at her with this look in his eyes I can’t really explain. Like a deer caught in headlights. But a deer who might be thinkin’ on takin’ the whole fuckin’ truck down with him if he’s goin’ out. She seems to be the only one able to put a calm in him. 

“Rick..” Carol sighs, “We are all grieving. All of us. But you -”

“Don’t. Don’t you dare..” Rick angrily spits. He’s pacin’ back and forth not sure what to do with his hands. He’s angry but there’s sadness in it . And I hate this but you do what you gotta do for the people who mean somethin’.

“We’re losing you, Rick. But worse - You’re losing yourself.” Glenn adds, “I know you think we are ganging up on you but that’s not what this is about. We care about you and can’t stand to sit back and watch you slip away. Not anymore.”

“We can’t lose you.” Michonne blinks back tears, “I can’t lose you.”

“You don’t understand.. You can’t even begin to understand..” Rick’s voice cracks and everyone sits uncomfortably tryin’ to figure out where to go from here. “He was my son. My son..”

“And no one is taking that away from you..” Carol adds.

Rick’s shakin’ his head, wavin’ his arms, “They took that away from me! Took him right from me! You wanna talk about it?! You wanna talk about how I didn’t see it until it was too late? Until his body hit the floor?! Is that what you wanna talk about? How my only son took his last breath in my arms and-”

“Jesus..Rick..” A tear falls down Carol’s cheek.

“Screw you….All of you!” He yells, fightin’ himself from burstin’ into tears. He’s pacin’ and heads for the door. 

Glenn jumps up to stop him, “Please.. Rick.. don’t.. We can get through this, together. Don’t push us away.”

“Get the hell outta my way, Glenn.” Rick growls. Michonne now lookin’ like a deer in headlights and she’s tryin’ to play mediator between them two. Tension’s been buildin’ between ‘em since I got back. ‘Bout ready to blow and I can’t let that shit happen.

“Rick..” I get up and walk over, “Don’t walk away. You know that ain’t the way to deal with things.”

Rick scoffs, turnin’ to me, “You have no right.. In any of this!” He’s standin’ in front of me, gettin’ angrier. His face turnin’ red. Lookin’ me up and down like he ain’t got no clue who I am. Like I ain’t nobody. “You weren’t here..” he pauses, gettin’ in my face, “Too busy chasin’ tail.. We don’t even know you anymore..”

“You think I was out there all that time twiddlin’ my damn thumbs? I was lookin’ for ya! I went out of my mind lookin’!” I ain’t yellin’. But I ain’t exactly just talkin’ neither, “man, I came up on that girl by mistake. What the hell else was I s’posed to do?” I pause, lookin’ in his eyes, “You know me.. Rick.. I ain’t tryin’ to say I know the first thing ‘bout what you’re goin’ through.. But I ain’t gonna let you go through it alone.. We ain’t. It ain’t how we ever did things and it ain’t how we gonna do things now.. We’re all we fuckin’ got..” I shake my head, “I ain’t ‘bout to sit here and defend myself... I did what I had to do, just like you. I ain’t exactly see ya’ll tryin’ to find my ass neither.. I know you just angry at the whole fuckin’ world.. Man, I get that.. But you gotta pull yourself together… man, you just gotta.. Or it was all for nothin’”

“For fucks sake, Rick…” Carol steps over to us, “Sophia..” she pauses, “Andre..” 

Michonne puts her hand over her mouth, fightin’ back tears but it ain’t workin’.

“Little Hershel never even had a chance..” Carol sighs and I could see everybody tensin’ up and feelin’ things. Things they been holdin’ back all this time, “How dare you say we don’t understand?” a tear falls down her face and I put my head down cause I hate seein’ her like that.

Rick and Michonne are lookin’ at each other and Michonne starts cryin’. Rick’s face falls and he just.. Let’s go. Michonne grabs him up in her arms and he’s lettin’ himself feel. He’s cryin’ like a baby just.. Lettin’ it all out. 

Carol grabs on Glenn’s arm with her right hand and touches on my hand with the other. And feelin’ her like that and seein’ Rick like that.. Michonne too.. I can’t stop my eyes from waterin’ up. And I can’t stop my heart from breakin’ up in my chest. I’m squeezin’ Carol’s hand and we let ourselves have this moment cause we need to. We got to. Cause if we don’t, we’ll just let everythin’ we been fightin’ for all this time shrivel up and blow away. Be all in vain. And we all lost somethin’. We all know what it’s like to hurt from it. Fuckin’ feel like there ain’t no point even tryin’ no more. But we ain’t givin’ up. So we gotta force ourselves to deal with the pain and keep goin’. Together. Cause that’s what family does. And I know that now. 

“I’m sorry..” Rick’s whimperin’, his voice all muffled. He’s got his face buried in Michonnes chest, “Carl.. I’m so sorry… Carl..”

I can’t stand to see any of ‘em like this so I look away and do my best to stay strong. It was Glenn and Carol’s idea for us to get Rick in this room and hash it out. Be honest with him ‘bout everythin’. I ain’t never seen him like this. This broken and vulnerable. Goes to show ya how human we all are underneath that tough exterior we all gotta put up. The world ain’t rainbows and fuckin’ sunshine no more. Not like it ever was for some of us. It’s dark and cold and worse than them nightmares you had ‘bout the boogieman when you were a kid. And I’m gettin’ sick and tired of buryin’ people. 

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

“We named him Hershel.” Glenn’s lookin’ off in the distance, just starin’, “Maggie said she just.. Knew he was a boy..”

I’m watchin’ him talk and he’s broken up but stayin’ strong. I can’t believe all the shit that happened in the time I was out there. Makin’ me feel all kindsa guilty, mad even. Just tore up over everythin’ cause I shoulda been here. But I can’t feel that way, so I try to shove it back down.

“I’m sorry, man..” I don’t know what else to say. And sometimes not sayin’ nothin’ means a lot more.

Me and Glenn never been friends like me and Rick. I mean, we’re friends, I guess, but we ain’t exactly ever had long talks over fuckin’ tea and shit. But since I been back, I been feelin’ like me and Glenn got more in common. Like them changes in me got me relatin’ more to him. I can’t really explain it, but I’m feelin’ different and shit is just.. Fuckin’ different now. 

“I mean.. Did we really think we could do it? Bring a kid into this fucked up world?” Glenn’s lookin’ at me and I ain’t too sure how to answer that, “Maggie said bringing a new life into this world was proving that we aren’t dead. We aren’t kneeling. We’re here and we’re still living.” he shakes his head, “But I don’t think I ever really believed that. And I feel guilty every single day.” he pauses, “Do you believe in God, Daryl?”

I look down at my hands then back at him, “I dunno..” I shrug.

“Yeah..” Glenn spits over the gates, “me either.”

We just sittin’ up at the guard post, me and him. Needin’ to take a minute before pickin’ up the leftover pieces scattered all over the fuckin’ place. I’m restin’ my arms on my knees and we ain’t talkin’ no more but it’s alright. We said all we had to. I’m watchin’ the breeze move them trees around and I’m thinkin’ ‘bout her. Cause I’m always thinkin’ ‘bout her, even when I ain’t wantin’ to. I’m realizin’ that I can’t lose her. I can’t and I won’t. I got feelin’s for that girl that I never thought I could have for nobody. I know it’s fuckin’ stupid and I kinda hate myself for it, but she’s my girlfriend now and that means somethin’. I feel dumb just sayin’ it in my head but them good days… them days I wanted to stick ‘round for.. As sick as it sounds.. I’m feelin’ like I’m seein’ ‘em with her cause she’s been breathin’ life into all this death and I can’t fight it no more.


	27. In A Phrase To Cut These Lips..

“Nooo!!” I reach for him, falling to the ground while the war rages on around us. He’s on his back, blood pumping from the hole in his belly. It doesn’t stop. The horror around us keeps on playing out as I crawl the skin off my elbows and knees to get to him. My palms, raw. Red and scraped. I can feel everything. The paralyzing, excruciating pain from my heart violently ripping itself apart inside of my chest. Those butterlies being picked off one by one inside my gut. Tortured. Executed mercilessly. I grab him into my arms and can’t slow the tears from pouring down my face like waterfalls. Those salty streams dripping onto him as he grips my arm with the last of his fleeting strength. He’s weakening. He’s shaking. He’s dying. My hunter. My love. The only peace I’ve ever known in this life.

“Stay with me.. Stay with me.. Don’t you fucking leave me..” I can’t see through the tears. I can’t breathe, “I’m here, Daryl.. Stay with me..” I wipe my cold watery face, leaving a streak of deep red across my cheek. Still warm from my love’s body.

He’s struggling to breathe, drowning in his own blood. Spitting the crimson fluid threatening to fill his lungs. I’m cradling him, trying my best to lift his head and ease his pain. Trying desperately to save his life. I’m so sorry.. I’m so fucking sorry.. Please take me instead.. Please don’t let him die..

My love is looking up at me. A tear rolls out of the corner of his eye and he’s trying to speak but he can’t. He’s terrified, studying the curves and lines of my face as if for the first and very last time. He brings an unsteady hand to my cheek, only able to hold it there for a few seconds as his body succumbs to mortality. He’s gasping for air but there’s nothing but blood. Everywhere. Choking him. I’m applying as much pressure to his wound as I possibly can and then I see it. He’s been shot more than once and there’s even more blood spewing from his chest. He’s suffocating and there’s nothing I can do. I can’t save him. I can’t be for him what he was to me. I never could. I scream for help but nobody is listening. Nobody cares.

“I can’t do this without you, my love.. Please don’t go..” I can’t breathe. I’m pulling him into me, rocking him in my arms. My reason. My hunter. The love of my life. My beautiful Daryl. “I love you.. I love you.. Oh God.. I love you.. Stay with me.. My love.. Don’t go..” His chest slows. He stops shaking. My love takes his last breath and I collapse.

\-----------------

 

I jump up in a fit of panic. My chest rising and falling out of control as I fight to catch my breath. I'm completely drenched in sweat, soaking the sheets. I frantically run my hands over my slick skin, holding my palms up against the moonlight to make sure it isn’t blood. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I reach out to touch him and he isn’t there. My heart aches. He isn’t sleeping next to me. I can’t handle this.. I can’t.. I grip at my chest, digging my nails into the soft flesh stretched across my bones.

My heart is racing and I quickly hop out of bed, making my way down the dark stairs to the living room of the house we call home. The house we now share as something more. Daryl and I. My long dark hair, sticking to my neck. My back and my arms as I blindly navigate through the house wearing a cami and panties. I’m so scared. Nervous. My head is pounding and I’m feeling like I’m gonna vomit. It was just a dream.. It was just a horrible, all too real dream.. Jesus, Daryl.. where the fuck are you?

My skin is hot and clammy. I feel so sick. I cover my mouth and run to the bathroom. Turning on the light and quickly leaning over the toilet. My stomach muscles tense and begin to cramp as I violently throw up everything I ate for the last few days. Or at least that’s what it feels like.

“Hey..” My hunter. My love. He's standing in the doorway, his eyes adjusting to the light. To the sight of me curled over the toilet. Pale and sweaty.

“Daryl?” I’m crying tears of joy into a porcelain throne full of my insides.

My hunter places a hand on my back and slowly starts to caress me, comforting me. He’s breathing. He’s fucking breathing. He’s fully intact and wide eyed. I grab onto him, squeezing him for dear life.

“You ok?” he helps me to my feet, “Here, wash up.” he runs the water and I wash my face. Gargling some in my mouth. The back of my throat, sore and burning from the strain. The stomach acid.

“God, I love you.” I love you so fucking much, Daryl Dixon. Feel however you need to feel about those 3 words. I just have to tell you. You need to keep hearing it so you know... I touch my hand to his face, gazing up into those sleepy blue eyes as mine begin to water.

He’s looking at me, “What happened?”

“I dreamt you were shot. Right in front of me.” I shake my head at the image replaying in my mind, “You were shot so many times.. I couldn't save you.." I start to cry, "You.. died right there.. Right in my arms.. There was so much blood.. It was everywhere.. and..”

“It was just a dream, Chas..” his raspy voice, calm.

“What if it wasn’t?”

“It was.”

“It was too real..” I pause, completely shaken up, “I was begging you not to go” I look up at him.

“I’m not goin’ anywhere..” he holds my thin, colorful arms, “Hey..”

“Don’t go tomorrow.. Please..” I plead, tears in my eyes, “What if my dream is some sign? Trying to warn us about something fucking terrible?”

“Don’t do this again.. You know I gotta go..” he shakes his head, his hair falling where it may, “And that dream.. Was just that.. A damn dream.. Ain’t nothin’ happenin’ to me out there.. ‘Specially not with Glenn and Rick.”

I take a deep breath in and then out. Placing a hand over my mouth and the other hugging around my waist. I can feel his eyes on me. Uneasy and tense. He’s right. As per fucking usual. But I still can’t fully accept that he’s going out there without me. Again.

“Dreaming about someone dying.. Usually just means the opposite..” I look up at him, “I just… totally freaked the fuck out..” I nervously laugh, playing with the silver music note around my neck.

“I ain’t dead.. And I ain’t dyin’..” he squeezes my frail shoulders, “Just a dream.. You got a lot goin’ on in that head of yours. We all do.”

 

 

Life has a fucked up way of moving things along. Like a giant conveyor belt of fancy plated bullshit and you best believe God won’t excuse your ass until you’ve eaten it all. On your knees. And you’re full. So full. Kinda like Abuelita at the dinner table. Fucking eat your goddamn food. And shut the fuck up when the adults are speaking. Children should be seen and not heard. Maybe I never actually did grow out of my diapers. Maybe I never really felt like I had much of a voice in the big girl things. And as outspoken and ‘tough’ as I think I am, I still keep quiet when the adults are talking. Keeping myself out of it all because what’s really the point? My little voice doesn’t matter and I’ll never be as big and strong as everybody else. My contributions to the new society are just as shitty as the reality of it all. Dead. But my hunter.. He is so much more. Willing, able and stronger than I could ever be. Mentally as well as physically. Emotionally. That Daryl Dixon is tough as fucking nails. But sometimes.. Just sometimes.. There are cracks in his armor. And I’m the only one who gets to see it. Really see it. See him.

We’ve been up for hours. Talking a little. Not talking at all. Then talking some more. Shyly holding hands. Alone in our dark empty house. Just being. Two souls innocently existing together. As the sun begins to show it’s bright stupid face, my heart sinks into my stomach. The last sunrise I’ll have with my love until he returns to me. And he will. He fucking will.

“I’m just saying.. In case you guys stumble upon a PS4.. Even 3.. Rock Band.. I mean, I’ll even take Guitar Hero..” I’m tired and delirious, laughing as I run my fingers through Daryl’s soft messy hair. His head resting on my lap. The rest of him outstretched on the couch.

“Guitar Hero?” My hunter scoffs, “Now you soundin’ desperate.”

I laugh, kissing his forehead. He’s looking up at the ceiling and I can’t take my eyes off of him. My heart fluttering in my chest. He’s so damn beautiful, it hurts.

“Chastity..” his voice low and calm. Sleepy.

My heart skips a beat hearing him say my name, “Yeah?”

“What song you got playin’ in your head?”

“Wake Up by Coheed and Cambria.” and it’s bittersweet and gut-wrenching. Most fitting. Because I’ll do anything for you.. This story is for you..

My love looks up at me, “Who and who?”

“You know.. Claudio P. Sanchez? I mean.. we're practically cousins. You know how us spics roll.." I laugh and my hunter is looking at me like I have 5 heads, "I’ll play it for you when this is all over.”

"Alright."

I smile, fighting myself from getting all emotional because for once, I don't even believe myself. This will never be over. I pause. Sighing as the morning sky burns alive, violating our privacy, “Moments like these are all that matters. You’re all that matters.” my eyes finding his and I feel so much all at once I could explode.

"Lotta bands you know, I ain't never even heard of. They all from New York?" my love nonchalantly asks.

"That just means I'm way cooler than you." I kiss his head, "Not all of them are from New York.." my voice is low and solemn.

"Well play some songs that I know too, sometime.."

"Deal." I can't love you anymore if I tried. Wait, nope.. yeah.. I can.. and I do..

He sits up, holding our gaze. Our eyes speaking all the words we want to say. That we just can’t.

“Don’t be sad.” my hunter breaks the silence.

“I’m ok..”

“You ain’t.. I can feel it.” he pauses, “It was a damn dream -”

“It’s not the dream.. Dixon.. It’s just..” I let out a sigh and throw my head back. Why am I being so crazy? Again! I don’t see Maggie flipping her shit and busting out a black mourning veil. I never see Michonne bat an eye over.. Well.. over pretty much anything. So why, Chase, why? Why do you have to be the psycho clingy one? The little whiny emo kid with the tattoos who hates the world and cries over everything? This is Daryl’s family. And they care about him. For fucks sake, they even care about me! This is not Kenny and that fucking whore Joss. They take care of each other. And Daryl can handle his own.

“Just what?” Daryl’s sitting next to me on the couch, those gorgeous blue eyes peeking through his brown shaggy hair. Threatening to take my life. He already has my heart and my soul.. So why not take it all. Go on, Dixon.. I want you to..

“I’m pathetic..” I let out a laugh, looking down “don’t mind me..”

“Hey..”

I look up at him and he’s biting on that bottom lip again while that fucking asshole sun keeps turning up the morning sky. Allowing us to borrow another day. The birds sound so happy, all safe in those trees. What a bunch of fucking little idiots. I get the urge to shoot them down one by one. But as much as I hate this morning, the sunlight against his face makes the knots in my gut worth it. How could whatever God may exist be so cruel and terrible, yet create something so magnificent? So beautiful.

And I don’t know what to say because I’ve got so much I want to spew out. But the room isn’t dark anymore and the moment isn’t ours. Time is up. He has to go and I know it. He takes a deep breath in and then out.

“I know..” I nod and force myself to accept it, “I know..” reassuring him, yet convincing myself. The faster he goes, the faster he comes back. And I have Maggie. And Tara.. Denise.. Michonne..

“Chastity..” my hunter grips the back of his neck, nervously. He’s really chewing on that bottom lip and he’s looking toward the window. He’s anxious and tense. Calling me by my name.

“Daryl..” I hug my knees to my chest. I hate these awkward goodbyes. These, ‘see ya laters’ and ‘I’ll be backs’. I shove the stupid thoughts back down. I don’t want to be depressed and sick this time. Because in reality, I'm not alone here. But anywhere without him is alone. No..I have to man up and adapt. I have to. Winter is coming and this isn’t an episode of Game of Thrones. Although, I guess it really isn’t too far off..

“I’m gonna getcha that damn Rock Band game.. I swear, I’m gonna.. ‘Cause..” my hunter pauses, “I love you.”

He takes a deep breath as if saying those words stole it away from him like it did to me in hearing him say what he just said. My skin melts right off and my jaw drops. My heart is outside of my body and I can’t speak. I can’t breathe. I’m completely inside out. Floating over myself. My eyes begin to water and I’m lost. Lost in him and the sun cannot steal this moment from us. No fucking way. We take it back. It's ours. Forever and always.

“Oh, God..” I’m so happy I could die. And I lost my life about a trillion times in the few seconds since those words escaped his lips, “I love you. I love you so much..” I have to say it back because replaying it over and over in my mind won’t do anymore, "You're the air I breathe.. I can't live without you.. I love you." Tears streaming down my happy little face.

He sighs again. Nervously. Almost like a sigh of relief in hearing his feelings reciprocated as if he didn’t already know. As if I didn’t spill my guts all over the place to him every chance that presented itself. He’s sweating and gripping on the back of his neck. Playing with his hands and seemingly not knowing where to go from here. Cut wide open and showing me the side of him that no one has ever seen. No one ever. His eyes meet mine again and he’s feeling everything. Even the scary things. The same things that I’m feeling.

I jump into his arms and he wraps those strong arms around my tiny frame. He doesn’t say anything else and he doesn’t have to. I climb into him, burying myself as close as our bodies will allow. Kissing every exposed inch of skin I can find. We hold each other in the loudest silence for the little bit of time we have left until he has to go. I absolutely love this man with every fiber of my being. I am to him what he is to me and nothing or no one can and will ever take that away from us.

Fuck you, sun.


	28. Thin Line Between Fantasy And Hell..

I’m shaking. Trembling. Sweat beading across my forehead. Physically sick as my body heat threatens to burn me alive. Anxiety has me by the throat, it’s boots stomping me in the chest. Tears running down my face uncontrollably and I’m hyperventilating. I dig my nails into my flesh, leaving red welts across my chest. I hug my knees to my chest, curling into a pathetic little ball in the corner of the bathroom. I’m going to throw up again, igniting the ever present burn in my exhausted esophagus. My lungs feel like they are failing. My chest so tight and squeezing the life out of me. My mind is racing. I can’t gather my thoughts. Attempting to make sense of what the fuck was happening. What just couldn’t be happening. It just couldn’t be. This isn’t real right now and I’m stuck in another horrible nightmare. They won't stop. They keep coming. They are way too real. I bury my face in my unsteady hands, closing my eyes in hopes that when I open them I’ll awake in my bed. Just a fucking dream. A daydream, even. One of my made up delusions confusing me and blurring the thin line between fantasy and hell. But it's all hell. All the time.

“No.. no no no no..” I open my eyes, blurred with salty tears. I’m violently shaking as I try to catch my breath. My mouth hanging open, trying to scream but nothing is coming out. Paralyzing sorrow with the weight of a thousand tons crashing down on top of me. Holding me down. Degrading me. Leaving me begging for mercy.

Maggie gently knocks on the door, “Chase..” she calmly speaks as I fall apart. I'm in pieces. A million jagged bloody little pieces. Trying to unsee the words and symbols. Unfeel all of this sadness. This fear. This overwhelming uncertainty and impending doom. This kick in the nuts. Shaking my head as I take short gasps for air. Silently pleading to the universe that I am not the one. I can’t do this. Any of this. I don’t want to. I won’t. This is not the way it’s supposed to be. I can’t fucking do this. Not in this terrible dying world. Not like this. Not now. Not ever. Not ever.

I’m soaking wet. Drowning in a pool of my own tears and sweat. My long dark hair sticking to my hot clammy neck as I try to piece myself together. Desperately try to wrap my mind around this whirlwind of emotions choking me to death on this cold hard floor.

“Chase.. Can I come in?” Maggie knocks again, fiddling with the knob, “Open the door.. Please..”

I hang my head, attempting to take in a deep breath. Regulate my breathing somehow. Or else I’m gonna have a heart attack. With every loud, violent thump in my chest, it hurts. Causing my small frail body to jerk. I can hear the blood rushing through my veins. It's so fucking loud. I’m having the worst panic attack of my life. I Look up at the ceiling as I exhale, still shaking. A death grip on the laughing little stick in my hand. I throw it across the room and grip at the delicate skin on my neck, nervously. Breathe.. Just breathe, Chastity.. Don’t drop dead here on this bathroom floor.. Daryl.. he's rubbing your back.. telling you silly jokes.. he's smiling.. laughing.. he loves you..

I try again, taking a deep breath as best as I can. Reaching up and gripping onto the sink in an attempt to pull myself up. I lean my head against the door and I swear I can feel Maggie on the other side. Her presence. Her soothing energy. In the short amount of time since I’ve known her, she’s become my closest friend in the universe next to Daryl. I trust her. She knows it. I unlock the door and slowly twist the knob, sniffling and holding myself. Feeling embarrassed and full of shame. Wide open and exposed. Trying not to dramatically spill out onto her as I muster the strength to push the door open. Maggie’s big green eyes, glassy as she studies my face. She doesn’t have to ask. I look up at her, confirming what she already suspects, reactivating the waterworks. I am helpless. Numb. I am confused. Lost and scared shitless. I feel like a child. Terrified and alone, afraid to tell her mother that she just fucked up worse than ever. Just made the biggest mistake of her stupid life. Even worse than the laundry list of mistakes she’s made since the day she was born. Worse than the worst ones.

“Come here..” she pulls me into her arms, “It’s gonna be ok. It’s gonna be ok, I promise.”

“It isn’t..” I want to believe her. I want to believe that this is all part of the plan. I want to believe that this is a good thing. A gift, not a curse. A blessing, not a burden. Maybe this thing lied. Maybe it’s not accurate. It’s old and expired and it fucking lied. Maybe my body is just playing tricks on me. Like it always had since I can remember having one. A small dysfunctional malfunctioning idiot body that just tormented me since the beginning. And will always. Until the day I take my last breath. Even then, it will fuck up somehow.

Maggie places a comforting hand on my frail shoulder. I’m exhausted from this emotional rollercoaster I can’t get off of. Strapped in and hellbent. So worn out from the physical manifestations of despair. Of losing every ounce of hope I tried to force feed myself. I look up at my beautiful friend with red puffy eyes, “This can’t happen. It can’t.” I shake my head, feeling the panic start to take over again.

She’s pushing the wet, sticky hair from my face, “It did.”

It did. Hearing those simple words from her lips forcing me to face reality. It’s positive. The first test.. and the second. My body isn’t lying to me and I’m not dreaming. I’m pregnant. And I just don’t understand.. We were so careful. Fuck.. then again maybe we weren’t.. But he pulled out every single time. Every fucking time. But fuck.. I’ve been so lost in him and the amazingness of what it feels like when he’s inside me.. That I guess.. Well.. I know.. This shit was the last thing on my mind. Protection. Disease. Getting knocked up. I just.. Wasn’t thinking about it. Any of it. Too wrapped up in the bliss of being with him to even care. And now.. Fuck.. I’m such a fucking stupid bitch. Knocked up and terrified. Alone in my thoughts. In my fucked up headspace. And I feel like I’m gonna pass out.

My beautiful friend leads me to the kitchen and pours me a glass of water. Helping my weak, sick pathetic body to take a seat. I feel disgusting. Sweaty and overheated. Pale and nauseous. Full and empty all the at the same time.

“Maggie..” I pause, trying to form words, “I have to get rid of it.”

“No. No you can’t talk like that.” she pulls a seat next to me.

“How can I bring a child into a world like this? It’s a fucking death sentence.” I cry out, my voice straining. A faint scoff leaving my lips, “I’m not keeping it.” I shake my head. My panic and sadness scorched with frustration and angst, "I don't fucking want it."

Maggie sighs, her hand on my forearm, “Chase.. I know that you’re in shock right now but-”

“But what?” I feel the tears forming behind my eyes again, “Carl..” I pause, “He didn’t have a chance.. Why should this baby?”

Maggie’s eyes water and her bottom lip quivers. She’s fighting back tears from a pain that she seems to have buried deep down inside. She pulls her hand away from me and hugs herself, “Glenn and I..” she pauses, doing her best to pull back the salty emotion threatening to overflow, “We got pregnant.. I was so happy.. I was ready.. and I know the situation isn’t ideal.. But it is… what it is.. and you can’t let this world stop you from living.” she shakes her head and looks at me, “I miscarried at 12 weeks. Give or take..”

“I’m so sorry..” my heart breaks apart in my chest for her. I instantly feel like a piece of shit. An asshole. An ungrateful, pessimistic cunt. I feel guilty. Wishing it was her instead of me. This isn’t at all fair. To take this from her and plant it inside of me. God is a sick fuck. And how dare I? How is it justified to have a life growing inside of me while other’s are being cut short. Taken away. Snubbed right out. How can I be so self absorbed? So careless? I can’t imagine the pain that Rick has to live through. The pain that Maggie and Glenn have to live through in simply trying. And now the new girl, like the little slut that she is, can’t keep her little whore legs closed, gets knocked up and has the balls to parade her big fat swollen belly around? And everyone is supposed to pretend that it’s ok? A bullshit symbol of hope? Of us moving forward and rebuilding? It’s a symbol of me and this damn baby being the weak links in an otherwise unbreakable chain. This baby will be my handicap. Daryl’s handicap. The entire group will have to deal with our mistake and suffer from it. How will we be able to properly feed and clothe the baby? A brand new baby. We can’t fucking feed it squirrel.And it has to be taken care of. Doted on. It needs my full attention and I don't think I'm able to give all that. Nor do I want to. And If the dead come..Or worse, people. How will I be able to protect another living being if, let’s fucking face it, I am not even strong enough to protect myself? What if.. No… Nope.. I can’t even conceive of it. These thoughts are paralyzing me. Ripping me to shreds. For the first time since I’ve fallen in love with the man of my dreams, now the father of my unborn child, I don’t want him here. I don’t want him to see me and I don’t want to see him. Not right now.

“We named him Hershel after my daddy..” she’s staring off into space. I uneasily bring the glass of water to my lips and drink. Realizing how thirsty I am. Feeling the cool liquid journey into my empty, crampy stomach. Taking my mind off of things for just a second.

Maggie snaps out of her thoughts. Seemingly, pushing it all back down. She looks at me with red, glassy eyes, “You aren’t alone in this.” she pauses, “you’re family now and so is your baby. This is a blessing. A chance. A big ‘fuck you’ to the hell we been dragged through.. We’re moving forward and we aren’t dead. We’re choosing life. To live and breed and not lie down.”

We sit in silence for a moment. The sounds of sniffling and two broken up women trying to piece together their conflicting emotions. She see’s this baby as a blessing. Maybe it would be if the world was still the world. If I was able to have more time with Daryl, just the two of us. If I was able to experience this the way that my mother had. The way my grandmother had. A doctor to smile at me and tell me how healthy my baby is while she allows us to listen to the swishing sound of our little bundle of joy’s heartbeat. But this isn’t a fucking blessing. I’m sorry. And I’m not too sure it would be, even in a better world. This is whatever piece of shit God may exists way of showing me exactly how terrible he thinks I am. Exactly how much he hates me. How much he wants to see me struggle and fight. A cruel slap in the face to my new friends. Punish Daryl and I for finding peace in an unsettled world in each other. For having sex every chance we get because it fucking feels good and takes us away from the horror of everything else around us. Here you go Chase… let’s see you deal with that..

“I’m gonna stay with you.” she touches my hair, “until Daryl and Glenn get back.. You shouldn’t be alone.”

“You don’t have to. I’ll be ok.” I look down.

“I want to..” her voice cracks, “Maybe I don’t want to be alone either.” she breaks apart. Her hand over her mouth as her tears break free. A bit of everything all at once. Crashing into her and overflowing as my anger gives way to helplessness. What the fuck am I gonna do? What am I gonna do?

We pull each other in for a hug as we both let go, squeezing each other tight as we cry it all out. Succumbing to the shit we keep bottled up inside because we have to. Cleansing ourselves of the suffocating craziness so that maybe when the dust clears, it'll also clear our heads. And hearts. Helping to make sense of what doesn’t. What shouldn’t but is. I shut my eyes tight and all I can see is him. My hunter. My love. He just spilled his feelings. Telling me he loves me for the very first time. Our relationship budding and blooming. Slowly.. Faster at times.. But this.. This is way too much too soon. Dread fills my lungs and seeps into my bloodstream. Hijacks my heart and ties a noose around my stomach. How the hell am I going to tell him? How is he going to take it? Maybe I won’t. Maybe he never has to know.


	29. Difficult Not To Feel..

“I hate when he’s out there.” Maggie confesses in her southern drawl, looking out the window as the sun begins to set, “Not knowing where he is and what he’s doing.. Not knowing if he’s alive...or dead..” 

I sigh, feeling my sewn together heart unravel again. Daryl. My love. I miss you. I need you. Even more than ever before. My head is pounding and it feels like it’s going to explode from the pressure. I have so much I want to say to Maggie. Tell her I know all too well how she feels. Admit that I completely shut down when he isn’t next to me. So you can only imagine what happens when he's gone for days at a time. But all that I'm able to cough up is, “He’s alive.”

Maggie looks back at me, “Daryl’s alive too.. So is Rick..”

Those words hitting my ears like a recharge. A reset. Verbal confirmation that the ones we love are safe. Even if we can't see and hear them. Hold them in our arms. They are safe and hopefully on their way back to us. Alive and in one piece. 

“They’ll be back any minute now. Tonight, tomorrow.. The next day.. But any minute..” she forces an optimistic smile.

I look down at my nervous, fidgety hands. My mind pulling me back down to that little + sign weighing heavy, “I don’t know how to tell him..” I pause, unable to make eye contact.

“You tell him he’s gonna be a daddy.” Maggie smiles through watery green eyes, “To the most beautiful little baby in the world.”

The noose around my stomach squeezes tighter and I’m starting to feel sick again. I wish I could be happy but I can’t. I can’t pretend this is good news. I can’t sit here and nod and smile at the thought of me having to tell Daryl that we’re doomed. Me having to crush him. We’ve come so far. My love finally accepts me as his and is opening up more and more each day. I’m so afraid that this will cause him to retreat. Run away. Hate me. Look at me differently. I don’t know why I feel so much shame. My thoughts and feelings completely contradicting. Confusing me. It takes two to tango but somehow I know this is all my fault. I couldn’t just leave him be. Allow things to progress the way they would have if I hadn’t gone and forced myself on him that night on our late friends bed. Would he have ever even made a move on me if I didn’t do so first? Would we still be sitting in separate corners of the room barely speaking? I’m a grown woman yet I can’t help but feel like a vulnerable, troubled 16 year old.

I take a deep breath. My heart speeding up again as Maggie’s words pierce through me, “I don’t know, Maggie..”

“The best way to tell him is to just come out and say it.” 

“Unless..” I pause, “There’s nothing to say.. Because...there’s nothing.” 

“What do you mean?”

“Maggie..” I look at her, “Can Denise help me?”

“Of course she can. She can try and pinpoint how far along you are. Get you vitamins..”

“No..” I shake my head, my voice low and tired, “Can she help me to get rid of it?”

“Chase..” 

“This is wrong.. Nothing about this feels right.. A baby?” I bury my head in my hands.

“Chase, you aren’t alone.. We are going to help you.. You aren’t out there..You’re behind these walls with us and we will protect you and the baby at all costs.”

“I am alone!” my watery eyes find hers, “When my belly swells and I can barely even move, what then? What if… I refuse to have to be protected and babysat while you are all out there fighting. That’s bullshit.”

“No one will see it that way.”

“But I do..” I sigh, “If Denise can terminate this pregnancy.. Safely..” I pause, “Then we do it. Before Daryl gets back. Before anyone finds out. I’m not gonna put this on all of you. I’m not.”

“You don’t get to pick and choose. Not anymore.” Maggie barks, tears in her eyes, “Don’t be so goddamn selfish. Don’t throw this away like it means nothing. This baby is a blessing.”

“Selfish?” there goes my heart. The loud cracking. The aching. “Selfish would be me completely negating the fact that this poor baby, who never asked for this, is going to be born in a fucking graveyard! Look around us! What exactly on this Earth can I offer this child? What?” tears running down my face as I cry out, “other than a short life full of misery, starvation, death, pain.. heartache.. We don’t get to have this! We don’t! This world is not ours anymore!” I get up and pace back and forth. Feeling too much at once, “So forgive me for not jumping for joy and sending out announcement cards to my dead family and friends!”

I storm out of the house. I need some air. Pacing back and forth on Glenn and Maggie’s porch, I don’t know anything anymore. I don’t know what I’m doing. I want my hunter. But I don’t. I wish he was here. But I fucking don’t. Not yet. Not until I figure this all out. We glorify being pregnant as some immaculate conception. A second fucking coming of Christ. A goddamn miracle messiah fucking magical trick that happens because you were chosen. Chosen to be a host to this special little parasite. We act as though none of this is natural. As though we can’t explain it in plain science. As though it never happens simply because you got horny and opened your legs. A dick penetrated my pussy and some sperm swam up into my lady parts. A simple scientific explanation called human reproduction. You don’t need brains to do it. You don’t even need arms or legs. Or in slang terms, ‘Fuck.. Oops..’ This baby inside of me is not going to save the world. Not going to be any more special than any other fucking baby born in this lifetime. This baby will never grow up. This baby will be ripped out of my arms by the dead. Gunned down by the living. Born into a constant war that will never ever end. Live her short life in fear. And alone. Lose his parents. Feel all the pain of watching everyone he or she knows die. So don’t fucking tell me what I don’t already know. Don’t pull the wool over my eyes and make this shitty situation out to be anything more. This is not a blessing. I have not been touched by a goddamn spiritual being of goodness and light. I was not chosen. Just cut the bullshit and understand.. Just understand.. Why I’m so petrified.. 

The door slowly opens. I turn to see Maggie slowly step outside. I look up at her with desperate eyes, dropping my arms to my sides in defeat. She hugs her long slender arms around herself as we stand silently under the freshly darkened sky.

“I’m sorry.” her voice low and sincere. 

“I’m sorry too.” and I am. I take a deep breath, rubbing my hands over my colorful arms as the cool night air reminds me where I am. Brings me back down to the here and now. Away from all the thoughts and worries invading my brain. Maggie leans against the wood porch railing and we accept each others apology. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I wish I was better capable of handling things, but.. I’m not. My beautiful friend and I share a moment of silence gazing up at the stars. Resetting. Rebuilding. Trying to clear out heads. Move forward.

 

 

\------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

The warm sun against my skin, one of my favorite parts of being alive. But this damn sun beating down on me is nothing more than an annoyance when he isn’t here to share in it. My world is muted without him. On pause. The things I used to love don’t matter anymore if he’s not here with me. Next to me. Living and breathing all up in my personal space. These birds singing their good mornings and the bright, clear morning sky are nothing more than the start of another day without my love. It’s been a week. One full week and I’m going out of my mind. Maggie’s ‘any minute’ theory is a hopeful one. A blanketed vague calm to ease the sense of unending loss we feel without them. I slept in our bed alone last night because I wanted to lay on his pillow. Breathe in his scent and pretend he was next to me. Pretend to lay on his chest and listen to his heartbeat. Falling into slumber to the beautiful rhythm. I slept better. As best as I could, I should say. 

“Do you have an extra pair of sunglasses lying around?” I let out a laugh at how ridiculous of a request that is as Maggie greets me at her front door.

“Wish I had a pair for myself.” she smiles, shielding her big green eyes as she steps out, “How’d you sleep?”

“Better. Still feel like I got hit by a speeding train though.” I sigh, “You?”

“Because you aren’t eating enough… and you’re puking.. these fluids are gonna help.” Maggie reassures as we make our way to Denise’s, “And I feel like shit.” she laughs.

Maggie sighs, stopping in our tracks as we stare down the gates. Listening for the faint sounds of a roaring motorcycle in the distance. Or a cry out from Tara signaling their return. Nothing. Just those little asshole birds chirping away. We continue our short journey and reach Denise’s. Before we can give a knock, she opens the door.

“Saw you coming..” she awkwardly smiles, standing in the doorway, “Come on in.”

I walk in, not knowing what to do with my hands. Or my legs. Or my brain. I stand, but not still, fidgeting just as awkwardly in Denise’s medical room. She gently touches under my jaw, down the sides of my neck.

“How are you feeling?” she pushes her glasses up a little. She knows the deal. Maggie told her everything because I didn’t want to. Go figure. A big baby having a baby. 

“Good.” I nonchalantly shrug my shoulder.

Denise looks at Maggie before turning her attention to me once more. She helps me onto the hospital bed and takes my vitals. I can feel my heart pounding in my throat as she pumps air into the blood pressure device squeezing around my arm. Fucking thing. So uncomfortable.

“Ok..” Denise puts her hand to her hips, “Let’s do the ultrasound first.. Then you definitely need fluids.” She motions for me to take my hoodie off and lay back as she turns to set the machine up, “Is the baby.. Dixon’s?”

“I don’t know.” I sarcastically speak with wide eyes.

“Shit..” Denise sighs.

“Of course, it’s fucking Daryl’s..” I blurt, semi annoyed at her for even entertaining the idea of it not being his. Although, my hunter and I don’t exactly parade our relationship around town.

Denise nods and takes a deep breath as I look at Maggie, nervously. I hate being poked and prodded. I hate hospitals. Although this isn’t exactly a fully functional medical center, it’s enough to give me the heebie jeebies. She pulls my shirt up, exposing my bare stomach. I look down at myself showing no signs of a growing bump. More like the complete opposite. A part of me still holding on to the possibility that those damn tests were lying.

“This is gonna be cold..” she warns before squeezing a heap of gel on my tummy. I laugh a little, jerking from the temperature shock as she starts to run the lubed up ultrasound wand firmly over my abdomen. Getting acquainted with the tools and flow of the machine, “Ok.. let’s find this little bugger..” she’s feeling around, while consulting a large medical book on pregnancy and human reproduction. Pages opened to a chapter with images similar to what’s emblazoned on the screen, “Aww.. there you are.”

Maggie sits next to me and grips my arm as we stare at the moving image. A little thing resembling a shelled peanut in a black hole. A fuzzy colorless confirmation. I hear Denise flipping through the book with one hand as the other holds still on the wand on my lower stomach where the peanut is. She’s glancing at the screen, then back at the literature. Back at the screen, “You, my dear… are about 8 to 9 weeks along.. Give or take..”

“2 months?” I shake my head, “That’s impossible. I bled a few weeks ago..”

“That’s normal.” Denise focuses on the ultrasound image, nodding her head, “You are most definitely 2 months pregnant. Congratulations.” her eyes meet mine and I’m dumbfounded. That little thing is inside of me. Just hanging out in my body. Trying to live in there the same as we are out here. I feel Maggie’s arms wrap around me and I can’t speak. My heart hurts because I still don’t think I want to go through with this. Even after seeing it. Even after knowing I’ve been pregnant all this time. Guilt chokes me. Ashamed at my own thoughts. I wish Daryl was here. As terrified as I am to tell him, I need him to help me make this decision. I need him to ease my mind, body and soul.

“Are you ok?” Denise asks, looking at me. 

“I don’t know.” I confess, holding back tears. 

“No one else will know about this until you’re ready” Denise firmly says, “Not even Tara. You have my word..” she pauses, “And if you need to talk.. about this or anything else.. I’m here.”

I nod. I want to say thank you but my lips don’t move. Denise prints up a photo of the ultrasound and hands it to me. I look it over again, noticing she typed ‘Baby Dixon’ in the top left corner. I start to feel a little sick to my stomach again. I take a long, slow, deep breath in and exhale just the same as she sets up the IV, talking me through each step as she does it. Sliding the needle right through my colorful skin like butter. I cringe and wince as she finds the intended vein, digging around a little.

“Shit.. sorry sorry sorry..” she apologizes, taping the needle down. 

Ugh.. I hate this so much. I lay back, watching the slow drip of the fluids. Counting each drop like sheep and I feel my lids getting heavier. 

“Take a nap, Chase.” Denise says, “you need it.”


	30. There's Something Inside, Something More To Your Life..

The choices are multiple. There are no right answers. No wrong ones. Just different outcomes. Cause and effect. Bad and worse. The decisions we make today have everything to do with how wonderful or vile our story will be until the end. And it will end. Because death is the only guarantee. It is the only unchanged, constant thing in this life. Death is pure and isn't biased. With the promise of this new life growing inside of me, death is the only thing I'm sure of. I’ve lived for days and days with my stomach in knots. A huge lump in my throat, threatening to choke the life from my lungs. An even bigger hole in my heart. I feel it brewing again deep down inside of my organs. The tingles. The electric jolts zapping each nerve. Each little cell. The doom. The physical manifestation of my soul floating above me, tying a noose around my neck. My fucking mind and body playing tricks on me. Making me see and feel things that aren’t really there. I woke up this morning, full. With a swell in my gut. And today will be unlike any other day because I will have to face everything head on. This is all happening and it isn’t going away.

I’m sitting in my room. Our room. In our house. Attempting to collect myself and my thoughts before I see him. Before he sees me. The printed image of the peanut in my trembling hands and I can’t stop staring at it. ‘Baby Dixon’. Jesus Fucking Christ. I get the urge to run to the gates and jump into his arms, but I can’t. I need him in front of me because I miss him like hell, but I need a little more time. Just a few more minutes. I take a deep breath in and then out, hiding the peanut in the dresser drawer. Desperately listening to the faint voices outside. I should be there with Maggie and Tara and the others. I should be the first person my love sees, but I can't. I should have written him a letter. I could have said everything I needed to say to him over the last several day with ink and paper. Everything. The good and the bad. I should have. But I didn’t and it’s just too late. I hear the gates slam shut and my heart sinks. I can feel my hunter. He’s back and I’m bursting out of my skin. I stand to my feet and look myself over in the mirror. My long dark hair framing my sun kissed face. Big brown eyes staring back at me. A sadness in them. Fear. I lift my shirt and turn to the side. A small bloated little belly that I fucking swear was not there yesterday. And maybe no one else can tell, but I can. And it's freaking me out.

I pace back and forth, hiding in this room. I don't know what to do with myself as I head toward the stairs, stopping in my tracks and gripping onto the banister for dear life. Anxiety freezing my muscles. I couldn't take the next step if I tried. I run back into the room. My safe place with him. Where we can shut the world out and make love until the sun comes up. Suddenly, the front door opens and shuts. Maggie was supposed to stall him.. Fuck.. Did I really think she'd be able to? The more I try to calm down, the less it’s working. I’m cold and sweating all at the same time. My entire body vibrating from the drumming of my heart. Footsteps up the stairs and I know it’s him. I can feel it. Excitement shoving aside all the other emotions as the doorknob turns. I forget where I am and nothing matters anymore but him. My face lights up and my eyes begin to water because seeing him was the first time all over again. I lose the ability to breath as the love of my life appears in the doorway. I die and come back again. And again and again.

He’s dirty and rugged. His hair all over the place. A few pieces matted to his neck. Those beautiful ice blue eyes stealing my breath away. Piercing right through me and breathing life in the death that's been consuming me. Causing me to forget the dark place I've been living in without him. To forget everything other than this moment. God, I fucking missed you, Daryl Dixon. You are the only one I see. The indefinable, mythical creature that's captured my heart and driven me mad.

His lips curl into a shy, crooked smile and I lose control. The magnetic force between us pulling us together and I'm helpless to fight it. I jump into his arms, wrapping my legs around him. My lips hungrily find his, allowing our tongues to get reacquainted in a violent fit of lust. He tastes like home and I fucking missed him more than I knew I could. I’m aching and yearning to feel him. I need him inside to fill the void. It’s been too fucking long and I can’t wait a minute longer. We both can’t. We refuse to. Our kiss intensifies and we're trying to tear each other apart like animals. He throws me on the bed, ripping at my pants, freeing one leg and it's fucking good enough. He unfastens his pants, pulling them down halfway to release his raging cock. So much pent up sexual frustration and with everything going on, I feel it too. He pulls my panties to the side, tearing them. Bringing his hungry mouth to kiss on my pink petals before slamming himself into me. I yelp from the slight pain of suddenly being filled and stretched as my lover pushes my legs back against the bed, fucking me like an animal with our clothes still on. My eyes rolling in my head as my mouth hangs open, moaning and crying out. Not giving a fuck who hears me. I'm grabbing onto his angel wing vest as he slams his cock deep inside of me over and over. Fucking me on the edge of the bed, spread eagle like a little slut. His little slut. Marking his territory. Reminding me who I belong to. He’s so dirty. So feral and out of control. His sex sounds fill the room as he leans over to kiss me, moaning against my lips. I wrap myself around him, gently biting at the salty skin of his neck. I can’t control the noises coming from my mouth as my lovers thrusts intensify. Even deeper now. Completely invading my body and soul. Bringing me back to life. Making me whole again. I can feel him tense as he’s on the edge of release.

“Cum inside of me..” I whisper in his ear, grabbing his ass to hold him inside. Because what’s done is done.

His body shudders as he breathes the sexiest moan into my neck. Goosebumps cover his skin as he loses control, filling me with his warm seed. I hold him on top of me, wrapping my arms and legs around him. Not letting him go. Not yet. I feel his heart against mine. Our chests heaving in tune, “I love you.” I softly speak the truest words to ever leave my lips.

He’s quiet, lying in my arms, not saying a word. He doesn’t say it back and it’s ok. I let him be, running my fingers through his hair. I want to hear all about his time spent out there. The minutes and days of his life that I missed. But then again, maybe I don’t. He’s back with me in one piece and that’s all that matters.

“Got you somethin’.” my hunter breaks the silence.

My eyes find his, a smile across my face, “Seriously?”

“Mmhhmm..” he pauses, “Be right back.”

I watch my love as he stands to his feet, pulling his pants up and buttoning them. I bring myself to sit, fixing my clothes and hair as he disappears out of the room and down the stairs. I sigh, my thoughts crashing around in my head like violent waves. The bliss of what we just did on our bed, fleeting. I have to tell him what’s going on, but I don’t think now is the right time. But will there ever be a right time? He just got here. But I don’t know how much longer I can wait because holding onto this is eating me alive. Completely consuming me. Maybe I don’t have to say anything. I can just show him the picture of the ultrasound and wait for him to figure out what he’s looking at. Put 2 and 2 together when he notices that the image of the peanut in the dark cave reads ‘Baby Dixon’. Shit. I’m starting to get nervous. Not that I ever fucking stopped. I don’t realize that I’m clawing at my chest again with a look of unnerving terror on my face until my love appears in the doorway.

“Hey..” he pulls me back, “Somethin’ up?” he’s holding a medium sized black duffle bag over his shoulder. Gripping the strap with both hands.

My eyes find his and I’m desperately trying to keep calm. Act normal. But he’s not stupid. Big brown eyes gazing into sleepy blue’s, speaking in silence. Hoping to reassure him that I’m fine. I’ll be fine. I just want to have this moment. A curious smile creeps across my face, “What do you got in there?”

He’s quiet. Just looking at me. Choking the life out of that strap and I can tell he’s uneasy. He senses the tension that’s been building up in this room since he’s been gone. He can tell I'm not myself.

“You’re gonna keep me in suspense, aren’t you?” I let out a laugh, patting the bed next to me for him to sit. Those ice blue eyes burning right through me, “What?”

“You tell me.” he shrugs, his face like stone.

“Daryl..” I jump to my knees on the bed, excitedly, “Is it what I fucking think it is?” My face lighting up. Pushing my secret aside as best as I can. Guiding him to follow suit. Just let it go for a few more minutes. Please.

He slides the strap off of his shoulder and places the bag on the bed, still staring at me. I’m on my knees indirectly, quietly begging him to leave it alone. And at this point, I’m really anxious to see what’s inside the bag. What he went out of his way to get me. A token of his love that he risked his life to bring home to me. Because I’m his girl. His one and only. God, I love this man. He grills me for another few seconds before turning to unzip the duffle, pulling out a black mini stereo/radio and I gasp, holding my hand over my mouth.

“I’m sorry..” he says, also pulling out a leopard print case full of CD’s, “I couldn’t find ya that Rock Band.” He pauses, “Was hopin’ you’d like this instead for now.. I’mma keep lookin’.. I’m gonna find it for ya.. I told you I would..”

I can’t stop the tears from tickling the backs of my eyeballs. I’m in complete awe as I excitedly skim through the pages of the gigantic book in front of me like it's Christmas morning, “Holy fuck!” I start crying, my hand over my mouth, “Deftones?” my voice cracks, “Incubus?” I pause, speechless at how fucking thoughtful and amazing my man is. And I know him. I know he didn't just stumble across this. He went out of his way. “This is..” I try to get the words out but can’t. Overcome with emotion and raging hormones, tears begin steadily streaming down my blushed cheeks. To me, this is better than receiving a diamond fucking ring. And he knows it.

“Somethin’ else too..” he reaches into the bag and pulls out a cowboy hat, laughing a little as he plops it on my head. It falls over my eyes and I laugh through tears of joy, lifting the hat a little to find my hunter. I shake my head, falling into his arms. My heart elated yet heavy. The peanut hiding in the drawer threatening to burst our bubble and I can’t allow myself to fully live in this beautiful moment holding onto this secret as much as I want to.

I grab my hunters face and plant the biggest kiss on his lips, “You make me so fucking happy.” I gaze into his eyes, “These mean everything to me. Even more than that.. I wish I could find the words..” I giggle, looking up at the hat on my head, “And this….is fucking perfect!”

“Maybe you could play me some songs I ain’t heard.. Like you said you would..”

“Absolutely.” I take the hat off and place it on his head, my heart bursting out of my chest. Wow. Holy shit he looks hot in that hat, “Damn.. so fucking sexy.”

“Yeah right.” he goes to take it off and I grab his arm.

“No, leave it on. Please?” I plead.

“I need to take a shower..” he grimaces, “I smell like shit. You sittin’ there actin’ like you ain’t noticin’.”

“I don’t care. I love you.”

He looks at me and nods, taking the hat off and placing it back on my head, “I know..” he flicks the brim with his finger and heads toward the bathroom and as ridiculously happy as I am, I feel like I’ve been holding my breath this entire time. Taking in a generous gulp of air as I hear the water come on. I sit on the bed trying to calm my racing emotions. I’m beyond nervous. Beyond frightened. Well beyond confused. I have to tell him before he tries to get it out of me again. He knows something is up. There’s a rift in my energy and he can absolutely feel it. Subconsciously, I’m different. Chemically thrown off balance. I quickly get up and walk over to the mirror, lifting my shirt again. Just.. looking at my tiny little bloated gut. I don’t think it’s enough for him to notice without knowing. But it’s my body and I know it’s there. How the hell did it just puff out like that overnight? While I was sleeping? I let my shirt fall. Shaking my hands out at my sides and focusing on my breathing. Controlled and steady. My heart beginning to pound again. I look at the girl in the mirror staring back at me, softly speaking, “Chase.. You are a grown woman. Not a little girl.. Shit happens.. You deal with it..” deep breath in and then out, “You can do this. You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for. Let him react.. He’s gonna react to the news..” I pause, my hands at my hips trying to breathe, “Let him. If he runs away..” I shake my head, my heart drumming louder, “Give him his space.. Shit shit shit shit.. ok..”

A few minutes later, the water stops and my heart takes a nosedive into my foot, knocking all my guts down with it. I take one last breath, exhaling slowly. I lovingly push the beautiful gifts from my love to the side, making room for us to talk. Placing the hat on the dresser where the peanut is waiting to make it’s presence known once and for all. The few moments before Daryl appears in the doorway last an eternity. I smile as he dries his hair with the towel this time. His gray tee shirt and jeans fitting him perfectly.

“Maybe we could do somethin’ today.” he shrugs, “I mean.. There ain’t too many options but..”

"Ok."

"That's it.. just ok.. you usually more excited than that.."

“Daryl..” my voice cracks, “I need to talk to you about something.”

His demeanor completely changes, his face falls as he crosses his muscular arms over his chest, “What’s wrong?” he's been waiting for the other shoe to drop since he got here. I'm sorry, Baby.. but this shoe weighs a trillion tons..

“I.. ummm..” my skin is on fire and I’m sweating. I’m doing my best to hold it together but I don’t know if I can, “I really don’t even know how to say this..”

“I knew it..” he scoffs, shaking his head.

“What?” I look up at him, confused.

“You ain’t feelin’ the way you thought you were..” he’s nodding his head, not looking at me.

“Daryl, come sit.” I pat my hand on the bed, “Please..”

“Nah.. just say it..” he’s getting upset and I have no idea what’s going on.

“I’m not sure -”

“You breakin’ up with me?” his voice cracks as his glassy blue eyes meet mine. His insecurities taking over and making assumptions.

“What?!” I cry out, my eyes wide, “No! Never! Why would you even think that?!” I jump to my feet, almost tripping over my still hanging pant leg, instinctively wrapping my arms around him.

“You actin’ all funny..” he pauses, not hugging me back. He’s tense and confused. Feeding off of my whacked out emotions and I can feel his heart racing, “I dunno.. Nothin’ good ever lasts.. Not for me..”

“I’m not breaking up with you. I’ll die before that happens.” I hold onto him for a moment longer before breaking away and taking a seat on the edge of the bed.

He’s still standing, biting the inside of his bottom lip. Seemingly not knowing what to do with himself. I hug my arms around my pathetic little self, shame and embarrassment tingling my insides. I’m feeling everything again. Everything I felt when I watched that + sign appear. My world crashing down around me. Maggie’s voice in my head like the guardian angel she is, ‘You tell him he’s gonna be a daddy..’ Just like that, huh?

Daryl sighs, taking a seat beside me. Turning to face me and playing with his hands, “What’s goin’ on, Chas?” concern in his low raspy voice.

“Something happened..”

“What? What happened?”

I move my lips and nothing is coming out. My hunter shakes his head, watching me struggle, “Dammit..” I wipe the lone salty stream from my face.

“Just fucking tell me!” he barks.

“I’m trying!” I cry out, burying my head in my hands for a few seconds, wiping the tears from my eyes. I’m trembling and I feel like my heart might give out any minute now. Why can’t I just tell him? Why can’t I just say the damn words?

“Whatever’s goin’ on…” he pauses, frustrated, “I can’t help you if you don’t tell me.. I didn’t mean to yell.. I just -”

“Daryl...I’m pregnant.” The words jumping ship. Committing verbal suicide. My soul exiting my body right along with them. I can’t look at him. My colorful arms hugged around myself. I feel so exposed. So insecure. So guilty.

“I - I didn’t hear what you said..” his voice, shaky. Seemingly in shock.

Yes. Yes, you did. And I don’t think I can say it again. Not right now. I open the drawer, retrieving the peanut. Holding it out for him to take because I lost the ability to speak. He hesitates before taking the photo. I want to look at him. I want to study him as he figures it out. Watch the look on his face as it sinks in. His natural reaction to the fuzzy black and white kick in the nuts. But I can’t. I’m staring off into space wishing I could disappear and he’s no longer saying anything. Nothing. We sit in the loudest silence of our entire lives. Deafening and engulfing us.

He takes a deep breath, falling back on the bed. Tears continuing to stream down my  
sticky, salty cheeks as I finally build up the courage to look at him. He’s holding up the peanut again, a look on his face I’ve never witnessed before. A look I can’t even attempt to describe. Too much. All at once. His lips are parted and his brow furrowed. He’s barely breathing.

“I’m sorry to just.. Attack you with this as soon as you get back.. I..” I don’t think I want to go through with this. But I stop myself from telling him that. Because I need to know what he’s thinking. I have to know how he really feels.

My hunter pulls himself up, still gripping the peanut. His eyes find mine, holding contact for a few seconds and I don’t know what to do or say. He stands up, fidgeting. Pacing back and forth. His hand on the back of his neck, as he takes another look at our harsh reality as if the image will somehow say, ‘Ha! Just kidding!’. But each time, it’s the same. ‘Baby Dixon’. So many words dancing around in his head but none of them leaving his lips. And I want to hear it all. I want to know how he feels. I need to.

“I’m so sorry..” my words come out in a whisper. I’m apologizing again..But for what? I have to keep reminding myself that this isn’t my fault. I didn’t want this to happen. But it did. And unless God came down with a turkey baster full of immaculate jizz while I was sleeping, you know.. That so called blessing of his.. Then it’s just as much Daryl’s fault than it is mine if we’re gonna be pointing fingers.

My hunter clears his throat, anxiously fidgeting. Chewing on his bottom lip like crazy, “How..” his voice is fragile and low, “When..” attempting to speak in full sentences but only shaky fragments reaching the surface, “Denise? She..” He holds up the peanut.

I nod, confirming everything I know he’s trying to say. My eyes glued to him, following his every move, “Maggie had a box of pregnancy tests.. Both came back positive.” I pause, sucking in a deep breath, “And then Denise confirmed it.. She said I’m around 2 months.. Maybe a little more..”

Suddenly, I begin to feel lighter. The weight of holding onto this, slowly starting to lift. It’s grip around my throat loosening. No matter what happens from here, he knows. I don’t have to face this alone. And he’s not running away. He’s not yelling at me. Making me feel like this really is all my fault. He doesn’t hate me. He’s not blaming me for ruining his life. At least not yet. And in the world we now live in, in the midst of death and horror, he’s simply a man who just learned he knocked up his girlfriend. A flesh and blood man just… doing his best to deal with the heavy reality that he’s going to be a father. Daryl Dixon. You are handling this a hell of a lot better than I am. A hell of a lot better than I could have ever imagined you would. More mature than I could ever be. Instantly calming me. Saving me from my paralyzing thoughts and emotions. Grounding me and saving me from myself.

“Chas..” he’s struggling, “I - I just.. I’m just.. I need to process this..”

“You don’t have to pretend to be happy about it, if you aren’t” I shake my head, “Whatever we decide, we do it together.”

“I ain’t pretendin’ to be nothin’.” he sits on the bed, looking down at the photo in his hands, “Damn..” he whispers, “Well.. damn..”

“What are we gonna do, Daryl?”

He sighs, his eyes finding mine, “I guess we’re gonna have a fuckin’ baby.”


	31. Disarm You With A Smile..

“I don’t know where or how you found these.” I carefully scan the pages, running my fingers over the clear plastic sleeves. Each page holding up to 4 CD’s. Albums and mixes, “I’m literally speechless.”

My hunter props up a few pillows behind his head and lays back. I can feel his eyes on me, as I slowly turn the page revealing 8 more lovingly cared for discs. This belonged to a girl, I can tell. I had one almost exactly the same. Leopard print too. “Smashing Pumpkins. Tool. Even some Green Day and Blink 182. I don’t even know what to play first..”

A gentle touch of his hand at the small of my back, sending electric jolts through my body. Completely throwing me off. I blush, my lips curling into a grin. He doesn’t have to say anything to piece me back together. Doesn’t have to do anything. Having him here and next to me, in my presence. Existing with me. Breathing the same recycled air exchanged from his lungs to mine. That means everything.

“What do you wanna hear?” I turn to look at him, looking at me.

He’s quiet. Contemplative. I don’t even think he heard a word I said. His eyes locked on mine so intently, but I don’t even think he realizes.

“Hey..” I turn my body to face him, “You ok?”

He shrugs those broad shoulders, his hand still on my back, running his thumb over my exposed skin, “You ain’t happy.”

“What do you mean?” My eyes widen.

“‘Bout the baby.”

I close the CD book and set it on the nightstand, “I don’t know how I feel.” I shake my head, “I’ve had days to think this over… and I keep going back and forth.. I’m scared, Daryl.”

He sighs, running his hand up and down my back, “I know.. I’m scared too.” he pauses, his beautiful blue eyes fixated on mine, “But.. I dunno.. We ain’t ever gonna get back to the way it used to be.. This world, I mean..”

“You don’t know that.”

“Do you really believe we’re gonna get to see a better world? Honestly?” his voice low and soothing.

I wrap my arms around myself, “I’m trying to. I want to believe.”

“Instead of wishin’ on all them things you wanna do when this is all over..” he looks down at his hands then back up at me, “maybe we should just start all that now... in this world.” he pauses, “We ain't gonna make it to New York.. we just ain’t.. maybe we ain't gonna be able to sit at a bar and have that real whiskey neither... Or that fuckin' cheeseburger... but we could.. Live… right here.. Right now.” he’s shaking his head, speaking with conviction. And as always, he’s absolutely right.

“But aren’t you afraid of letting your guard down? Remember? You said so.. And you were right.”

He sits up, resting his arms on his bent knees, “Nah.. I was afraid of you.. Afraid of accepting what was goin’ on.. It’s fuckin’ scary.. I never had to deal with none of that before all this and then all of a sudden..” he looks at me, shrugging, “I didn’t know how to handle it. I still kinda don’t.. I’m still learnin’.. but I realized I would rather take them chances with you than not at all.. So I guess.. I ain’t afraid no more.” he pauses, “you showed me that.”

My heart warms and swells in my chest. My lips curl into a smile and I feel my cheeks blush pink. I wish I could have found you sooner, Daryl Dixon. Because even if we get to live a long life together, until we’re both 100, it would still not be enough. I touch my hand to my stomach. Truth is, we aren’t the only ones in the room anymore. All this stress and uncertainty I’ve been dealing with since finding out has been mine and mine alone. I just have to know how he feels. Even if it hurts. And since he’s in one of his talkative moods, let’s lay everything on the table. We have to.

“My belly is already starting to swell..” I try not to choke on my words.

“Is it?” his eyes immediately fall to my waist, “Lemme see..”

“It’s not that noticeable.. I mean.. I notice it..” I shyly play with my hair.

“Show me.”

I awkwardly shift my little body to kneel in front of him and I can tell my face is turning bright red. I don’t know why I’m feeling so shy as I lift my shirt, revealing my slightly bloated belly.

“Hhmm.. no shit..” A hint of a smile across his face as he studies my body, “turn to the side..”

I oblige, looking down at myself, “It just looks like I ate way more than I intended to.” I laugh.

He places his hand on my tummy, his eyes meeting mine. Daryl as a father.. Daryl holding our baby.. I feel like my heart is going to burst. Could this be everything I never knew I wanted? We can just skip everything else I imagined we'd do in my head, pop out a baby and live happily ever after? But I still just.. Don’t know..

“I need to know how you feel..” I place my hand on top of his, lacing our fingers as I sit back down, “We need to talk about this..”

We sit in silence for a moment, neither one of us seeming to want to start the conversation. The sun setting outside dimming the room a little, acting as a safety blanket shielding us from the world.

“I’m terrified.” I break the ice, my eyes beginning to water again, “I’m afraid of not being able to provide.. of not having enough food.. enough clothes.. Of being a burden on everyone.. Being a weak link.. A handicap..” I squeeze his hand, everything I’ve been holding inside finally overflowing and spilling over, “I’m so afraid I won’t be a good mother.. I’m afraid of my belly growing.. Giving birth.. Dying… the dead… people.. I’m so so fucking scared, Daryl..”

“None of that shit’s gonna happen.. and you ain’t no burden.. ain’t nobody gonna think that.. Not here.. These people... Rick, Glenn, Maggie.. That’s family right there.. and I damn sure ain’t gonna let nothin’ happen to you. You know that.. I’m gonna be here, Chas.. I swear..” he pauses, “and you’re gonna be the best fuckin’ mother… I know it..”

"What about the pregnancy? Denise isn't a real doctor. I don't know the first thing about any of this.. being pregnant with little medical attention.. no real check ups.. what about nutrition? What if something goes wrong?" I unload.

"We can't think like that." he shakes his head, "People been poppin' out babies since before hospitals and doctors. It's a natural, normal thing."

"But it's painful. And I have a small frame.. What if my belly gets so big that I literally can't move? What if I can't breathe?"

"I'mma move for ya.. breathe for ya too.." he laughs, "I'mma do everythin' I can to make sure you got what you need. You ain't doin' this alone..."

"It's not funny, Daryl.."

"I ain't really laughin'.. I'm just.. dealin'.."

"Do you understand where I'm coming from? Why I'm fucking freaking out?"

"Mmhhmm.."

"I don't think I'm overreacting... ok.. maybe a little... but..." I take a deep breath, "This is a huge deal. In like, 7 more months we're gonna have a newborn baby to take care of.. I can't even believe what I'm saying.. It's still not real to me.."

"I ain't tryin' to make you feel like you shouldn't be afraid. It's scary.. It's not a fuckin' pet hamster.. It's gonna change our lives... and I'm shittin' my pants.. I'm just... I dunno.."

“Do you want this?” A tear tickles my cheek as my eyes widen, “Can we do this?”

“I love you.”

I explode. I stop breathing. I melt into this bed and can’t even speak. I’m crying but I’m not upset. Not anymore. I’m trying to say it back, but no sound is coming out. A calm washing over me. My muscles begin to relax. My heart rate begins to find a normal pace. How does he manage to pull me back from flying off the deep end every single time? But those 3 little words.. Dammit Dixon. You can talk me into anything. Make me feel like I can conquer the world with you by my side.

“Don’t cry..” my love looks away, “I hate when you cry.”

“I’m not sad though..” I whisper through my tears, trying to make them stop, “I just love you so much..” I let out a laugh, sniffling.

“I know it ain’t gonna be easy.. and I’m scared out of my fuckin’ mind..” his eyes widen and he takes a deep breath, “But we can do this.”

“Is this what you want though? Do you want this baby?” I sniffle, wiping my tears. I just need to hear him say it. Because he only speaks the God honest truth. And if he truly wants this and feels that we can do it.. then.. well.. I know we can.

“Chastity..” he sighs, “that’s my baby.. growin’ inside you.." he pauses, "I want this..” he shakes his head, clearing his throat, “But you gotta feel the same way.. We gotta be on the same page.. I want you to be happy too.”

“I needed to hear that. From your lips.. I’ve been going out of my mind, Daryl..” I bite my bottom lip, jumping in head first, “There’s no waiting for the right time for anything anymore.. and you’re right.. we should live.. So.. fuck it, let’s live.. You, me and..our baby.” I giggle, “That actually sounds really cute..”

“A little family.” He nods.

"Hmm.." I smile, "a little family." I squeeze his hand and lay my head on his shoulder. He kisses my head and I think I'm ready for this. Forgetting all the cons and dangers ahead. Forgetting any and everything.. anyone.. other than the 3 of us. Forgetting the horrors outside these walls. At least for tonight.

"I'mma do this right. I'll never hurt you.. or the baby. I promise."

That raspy voice. That crooked smile. Those ears. Those eyes. That hair. That big heart. From the moment I met him, somehow, I just had a feeling I would never be the same. I didn’t know how, why or when, but I knew we had crashed course for a reason. Somewhere along the line, it just happened. A spark lit a fire inside of me and I saw him. Really saw him. It’s been a long road and we’ve been through so much together. Maybe not as much as Rick and the others. But emotionally and physically. Mentally and spiritually. Daryl and I, we’ve grown together. Interlocked and twisted into one. From the first time he smiled at me, to the first time my lips met his. The first time we actually had a conversation, to the first time our hands touched. The first time I felt him inside of me, the second, the third.. Mmmm the fourth and the fifth... the first time he told me I meant something to him. The little music note around my neck. So many things.. So many times.. It was easy to fall in love with him. It was beyond my control. And now here we are. Solidifying our relationship one day, and having a baby the next. I look back on the first few days of our lives together, and I would have never believed that this angry, anti social asshole would turn out to be the complete opposite. Who would have ever fucking thought Daryl Dixon would become the love of my life and the father of my child. And.. well.. maybe there is a happy ending after all. Maybe we really can live. Starting right now.


	32. "It's Just Penis Talk.."

Oh Mom.. I really wish you were here. I know it hasn’t always been an easy road for us, but I’ve always loved you. And I miss you so much. Especially with everything that is happening to me. It’s so hard to go through this without you. So hard. That old saying, you never know what you have until it’s gone.. yeah.. That’s definitely true. I wish I could hear your voice again. Feel your arms around me. Your warm loving hands over my swollen belly. You’d be so happy, Mom. A grandchild. I know that even in this world, you’d be so damn excited for your grandbaby to get here. My new friend, Denise, has been taking good care of me, helping me to understand and deal with all these crazy things happening to my body. She’s been doing the best she can in acting like my doctor and making sure me and the baby are healthy. 21 weeks already, can you even believe it? I still can’t. Even when I feel those flutters. When I feel your grandbaby’s little kicks inside of me. I still can’t believe it's real. I know I used to call the baby a peanut, but ‘Baby Dixon’ isn’t much of a peanut these days. The ultrasound image clearly shows the shape of it’s little head and body. A real, growing baby. A new tiny human. Denise isn’t trained in all of this so she can’t really tell for sure if I’m having a boy or a girl. She thinks it’s a girl, but says not to quote her. It’s just a hunch. I guess, I really don’t care what it is, as long as it’s healthy and looks like his/her daddy.

At first, I hated myself for being so careless and stupid. For getting knocked up in this piece of shit world in the first place. But, I love him. For the first time in my life, I’m in love. I know, crazy right? I guess, seeing him so happy about being a father made me feel different about being a mother. Seeing him just go with it, making a better effort to really settle down in this world made me realize that maybe I was just doing what I usually do. Looking at the worst in everything. Letting fear and worry consume me instead of taking it one day at a time. Overthinking. Panicking. Ready to jump ship. But... I love him. More than I know how to explain. And you know what, Mom? He fucking loves me too. Leave it to me to find the happiness you always wanted for me in a dying world. I know, you’d be shaking your head and laughing at the irony if you were here. God, I just wish you were here. I don’t know why I’m so disconnected when it comes to you.. Because I can’t feel you. Reaching out and not quite able to find you. But, if Heaven exists I know you’re up there watching over me.

It’s kind of silly how my life seems to have really just begun. While everyone else’s suddenly ended. As if I was meant for this world. As if all of this just had to happen for me to get here. We've talked this over in my head before, so I know you get it. It’s selfish of me to have these thoughts that I have sometimes. But you know me.. It just really starts to hurt when I want to call you and I can’t. I know having you here would make me feel better about my pregnancy. Because, honestly, I hate it. Being pregnant is terrible. It’s uncomfortable and lonely. I’m a psychotic mess to begin with and all of these hormones make it so much worse. As grateful as I am to actually have my new family welcome and support me, it’s just not the same. I wish I had someone else to go through this with. Be pregnant with me. Grow out of control and swell with. Complain about our God awful nipples and insane, mind fucking hunger together. But, the worst part is how fat I am. You know, I’ve always been the smallest one in the family. Out of my friends. Blessed with good genes and a super flat toned stomach while eating McDonalds and not giving a fuck. Well.. not so much anymore. And there is absolutely nothing I can do about this damn belly. It just.. Keeps fucking growing. I’m 5 months along or so (give or take but I’m guessing almost 6) and I already feel like if I grow any larger, I’ll explode. My skin just won’t be able to possibly stretch anymore. Ok.. maybe I’m exaggerating. But still. And I have a fucking stretch mark! I found one. So you know more are coming. And I'm so over it. Oh and the cravings. Second worst part because all I want are things that just don’t exist anymore. Pizza. I would kill for it. Murder. Cheez Whiz and mayonnaise sandwich with a few sliced dill pickles. Daryl and Glenn have been trying to find at least one of them, but haven’t had luck. We have pickles, but what am I gonna do with that if I don’t have the mayo? I’m really gonna cry just thinking about it, Ma. So, I know I said I hate being pregnant. And it’s true. But.. feeling my baby move and kick is pretty fucking incredible. What’s even more incredible is the look on Daryl’s face when he places his hands on my belly and feels our baby move. God, he’s going to be the best father ever. And I am so grateful to be the one to give this to him.

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

A knock at the door brings me back to reality. Was I seriously just sleeping sitting at the kitchen table? I collect myself as I wrap the blanket around me tighter. Getting up to answer the door, I peek outside to see Carol and Maggie, doing their best to keep warm.

“Did we wake you?” Maggie smiles as I open the door.

“I don’t think so..?” I think about it for a moment as I let them in.

“Brought you something nice and hot to eat.” Carol holds up a pan.

“A casserole? Fuck yes!” my lids flutter, a genuine smile across my face, “I’m gonna eat that whole thing.”

Carol places the pan on the stove, while Maggie pours 3 glasses of water for us, putting hers to her lips to take a sip.

“How do you feel?” Maggie takes a seat next to me, hanging her jacket over the chair,“Can I?”

“Of course.” I open the blanket to reveal my belly. Which, at this point, has swelled beyond a baby bump, “I feel so fat.. and hungry. All the fucking time.” I confess as Maggie gently rests a hand on my warm baby oven.

“Well, I’m here to feed you, Honey.” Carol smiles.

“You’re all baby, Chase. Still tiny as ever.” she gushes, “You look beautiful. You’re glowing!”

My lips curl into a tender smile, “Thank you both.. For everything..”

“We take care of each other.” Maggie nods, “No thanks necessary.”

“Still can’t believe our little Daryl is having all that sex.” Carol blurts.

Maggie spits the water she was attempting to drink across the table, her big green eyes bulge out of her skull as she tries to catch her breath. Her hand over her heart. “Carol!” she grabs a rag, rushing to clean up the mess.

“What? Did you think he had a sexually driven bone in his body? Cause I sure didn’t..” Carol crosses her arms, “Nothing wrong with it one bit, but I’m just saying.. You never had to worry about him copping a feel in the woods at night.”

I feel my cheeks burning. Giggling and hiding my face. Carol grabs a plate and a fork, serving me a generous helping of her concoction, “Eat up.” she pulls a seat and sits, “While it’s still warm.”

“Thank you. I can’t tell you how much this all means to me.” I’m humbled. Truly.

“When I was pregnant..” Carol sighs, “All I could eat was french fries. It was the only thing Sophia wanted.” she lets out a laugh, “That, peanut butter and fluff. Oh, and kraft cheese singles, of all things..”

“I could definitely go for some french fries.” Maggie’s eyes light up, “Mmmm..”

“Cheese..” I almost cry, shoveling a forkful of Carol’s home cooking into my mouth. So warm and perfect. Instantly making me feel better, “The guys picked the perfect day to reinforce the walls, huh?” I’m speaking with my mouth full, “It’s fucking cold as hell.”

“Looks like it’s gonna snow.” Maggie pours us some water, “I remember when my daddy would take us skiing. More like, tubing cause some of us were too lazy. We would stay in our own cabin.. With a fireplace and everything. This weather always makes me want to sip hot cocoa by the fire.. Play board games with my sister.. She’d get all sore if she lost.. And she did.” she sighs, “ God, I miss them everyday.”

“They say it gets better with time. But it doesn’t. You just learn how to live around it.. But it’s always there.” I place my hand above my weird alien belly button, as Baby Dixon reacts to the food. Getting all excited, doing a dance in there. Kicking my insides around.

“We’ll always have the good times. The memories. Nothing can take that away.” Maggie takes another drink of water.

“So.. not to change the subject.. but..I have to ask..” A devious smile taking over the older woman’s timeless face, “What’s Dixon like?”

“Good Lord!” Maggie leans back in her chair, her mouth hanging open.

“What? I’m curious.. I always wondered..” Carol has no shame. I respect that.

I bow my head, giggling and trying to stop myself from blushing bright red with no success, “Be more specific..”

“Please, don’t..” Maggie giggles, her cheeks pink.

“Well.. I always imagined he’d be the type to knock you over the head with a club and drag you into a cave. Fuck your brains out and leave you on the floor drooling..” Carol laughs.

“So.. a redneck caveman?” Maggie laughs, “I don’t think so..”

“I imagine it’d be angry. Biting and spanking.” Carol shrugs, matter-of-factly, “Hair pulling.”

“Sure seems like you spent a lot of time thinking this over..” I raise an eyebrow, slight bitch face.

“Oh, Sweetheart.. It’s so not even like that.. Daryl is like a little brother to me..” Carol nods.

“Because that makes it less fuckin’ weird!” Maggie shakes her head, disgust written all over her pretty face.

I hide my face for a moment, “He’s far from a barbaric caveman.. Although, he can be… hmmm.. Rougher at times.. Sex with him is out of this world... He’s amazing...” I gloat, “Best I ever had.”

Carol and Maggie listening intently as I spill the beans. Their bright eyes glistening against the kitchen lights. I bring the glass of water to my lips, taking a sip. Imagining the inappropriate images of my boyfriend dancing around my friends’ heads and I can’t help but find this amusing. Maybe a little more than I should.

“How big is it?” Carol blurts. Literally, giving no fucks.

Maggie whips her neck to look at the older woman and gasps. Carol shrugs, throwing her hands up.

“Oh my God.. “ I throw the blanket over my head. Over my face.

“What? We can’t enjoy a little girl talk?” Carol sips her water, “I’ll have you know… Ed had a dinky weenie.. It was quite sad..”

“He would. Fucking piece of shit.” Maggie scoffs.

“Was Ed your husband?” I peek my head out from under the blanket.

“Unfortunately.” Carol sighs, “So.. how big is it?”

“Carol!” Maggie laughs, “I can’t..”

“Jesus..” I shake my head, biting my bottom lip.

“Nothing we talk about leaves this room. Just us girls.” Carol plays innocent and coy.

“Why are we discussing Daryl’s private parts at the kitchen table, though?!” Maggie’s brow furrows as she shakes her head.

“Oh don’t worry… Glenn’s next.” Carol laughs, “It’s just penis talk.. We’re all adults here.. harmless.”

“You are in the rarest of forms! Good Lord in Heaven!” The South really coming out of my beautiful friend.

“Well, when you’ve been reduced to fucking a deflated, limp 1 inch dick for the better years of your life, you can’t help but be curious about all the good ones you missed.” Carol argues her case.

“Hmmm..” Maggie shrugs, seeing her point, “Fair enough..”

“Well...It’s not like I held it up to a ruler or anything..” I twirl my hair around my finger, “I’d say.. ummmm.. ” I pause, leaving the ladies in suspense, “It’s… the perfect size for me.”

“Good answer!” Maggie nods.

“Hmmpphh.” Carol shrugs, giggling, “I was looking for inches, but clearly this is a tough crowd.”

The 3 of us share a laugh and a sense of normalcy. Girl talk. It’s been a while. Just gossiping and talking shit. A part of me wanted to brag about mine and Daryl’s sex life. Reveal how his cock is literally perfect. Seven and a half, thick and meaty. Cut and slightly curved for my pleasure. But no. I’ll keep all that to myself.

"Well, Glenn's... Well.." Maggie blushes, "It's got girth to it, ya know?"

"Oh, I know.." Carol laughs, "Had a boy once in high school.. couldn't wrap my hand around it!"

"I hope he wasn't your first.." I speak with my mouth full.

"Nope. That was Jimmy Tedesci from across the street. I was 14." Carol confesses, "and he had no clue what the hell to do with it."

"A virgin?" Maggie leans in.

"Not even!" Carol cries out, "He was just terrible."

"I mean.. you can be a virgin and still know how to use your dick." I say, somewhat defensively.

Maggie gasps, "Oh my God! Daryl was a virgin?!"

"What?" my face falls and I turn purple.

"That explains everything!" Carol's jaw drops.

"I didn't say that!" the more I try to play it cool, the more I'm sweating. The hotter my face is getting, "No.. I didn't... no! That's not what I meant!"

"Awww.." Maggie places her hand over her heart, "That's so adorable.. I'm gonna cry.."

"You're truly something special then, Chase." Carol rests her arms on the table, "The only woman to crack the enigma that is Daryl Dixon."

"I told you." Maggie smiles.

"Did you make the first move?" Carol probes.

I sigh, remembering that night in the cabin, "The move was mutual." I kinda fib. Truth is, I forced myself on him and he was too tipsy to stop me. But no one has to know that.

 

The door suddenly opens, the 3 of us resembling deer in headlights. I can sense the ladies energy shift as my hunter walks in. As if he may have heard us giggling and talking about him. Carol clears her throat, bringing the water to her lips as Maggie blushes uncontrollably, holding back laughter. My heart pounds a little faster, feeling guilty for indirectly blowing his cover. Daryl, already sticking his fingers in the casserole, licking them as he looks up. 3 pairs of wide eyes staring at him.

“What?” he shrugs.

“Did you wash your hands?” Carol crosses her arms with a smirk.

Daryl digs his hand in the casserole again, grabbing a piece and tossing it into his mouth. He licks his fingers and sticks a wet one in Carol’s ear, “Nope.”

“Disgusting!” Carol grimaces, smacking his hand away, “Get outta here, you…”

“This is my house.” he pulls himself up to sit on the kitchen counter.

“Done for the day?” Maggie asks, still trying not to giggle.

“It’s too cold. We’re good for now. Nothin’s gettin’ in.” Daryl nods. His eyes find mine and I melt. Instantly, wishing it was only me and him in the room. The things that man does to me.. and he still has no idea.

A knock at the door breaks our gaze. Shifting everyone's attention to the turning knob.

“Party’s in here?” Glenn peeks from behind the door before walking in, a blast of cold air sneaking in behind him. He walks over to Maggie, placing his gloved hands on her shoulders as he stands behind her.

“Where’s Rick?” I ask. The mysterious leader. The one I have yet to actually have a real conversation with.

“Went in with Michonne. Everyone’s laying low tonight. This weather sucks.” Glenn says, “Good for other things though...Definitely gonna have to hold off on that Rock Band search for a few more weeks..”

My face lights up, “I’m going out there to help you guys next time!”

“Hhmm.. no you ain’t.” my hunter grunts.

“I’m not gonna be held up in this house for the rest of my life, I hope you know that.” I look at Daryl, looking at me.

“We’ll talk ‘bout all that later.” he shuts me down. I leave it at that. A fight for another time.

Maggie turns around to face her husband, “Let’s go.. I’m hungry.”

“I was totally kidding about eating the whole casserole.. Kinda..” I laugh, standing to my feet, “You don’t have to go.”

“You absolutely should eat the whole thing!” Maggie laughs.

“And you!” Carol turns to Daryl, “Keep your dirty meat hooks out of it!”

He holds his hands up, sarcastically, “Yes, Ma’am.”

I walk my fat ass over to the stove and serve myself another helping of Carol’s kindness, taking in the rooms energy and warmth as laughter fills the air once more. I turn around to see the smiling faces of my new friends and family as we share in casual conversation, cracking jokes along the way and simply enjoying each other’s company. Eerie that we could still have moments like this. Seemingly not a care in the world behind these walls. It’s been several months without an incident. Without something going wrong. Maybe we really can live. Maybe this is the beginning of the rest of our lives. We can beat this. Maybe we already have. Or maybe this is the calm before the storm. The false Messiah of happiness and health before the last day on Earth.

 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

I dreamily smile. Our eyes locked. “I swear this kid knows your voice.” I rub my hands over my moving belly, “just started going crazy in there.”

“Hey, Buddy..” Daryl lovingly talks to our baby, running his hands over the round ball of stretched skin and uterus separating him from his child.

“Right here.” I guide his hands to the source of movement, as the baby goes wild, “this is the weirdest, coolest feeling..” I shake my head.

“That's my boy.” Daryl gushes, feeling the baby move, a big smile on his face.

“What makes you so sure it’s a boy?”

“I dunno.. I just feel it.” he softly kisses my tummy and I die a thousand times. I can’t wait to witness that first moment between father and baby. That precious moment in time as the love of my life finally gets to meet his little one.

Daryl and I sit on the couch, alone now, in our quiet house.

“What if it’s a girl?” I ask, “Would you be disappointed?”

“Of course not.” his attention fixated on my tummy.

“What about names?” I smile, “Daryl, Jr?”

“Nah.. let him have his own name. A better one..”

“Vinny?” I blurt.

“Seriously?” he looks at me like I’m crazy.

“I don’t know.. I always liked the name Tyler..”

“Fuck that.” he grunts.

“Ok.. so for a girl, I like Destiny.”

He thinks for a second, “Alright.”

“That’s it? You like it?” I smile, “Destiny Dixon. Awww how cute!”

“That is cute. But it’s a boy.”

“Lorenzo.” I laugh.

“No.”

"Ummmm.. Miguel."

He starts laughing, "Jose? Juan Pablo?"

"I'm Hispanic, asshole." I shake my head.

"Don't go gettin' all mad.. I'm fuckin' with ya."

"How about, George?”

“Sounds like an old man.. George Dixon..” he pauses, “I really hope this baby looks like you.”

“With a whole lot of you.” I touch his face, “I think we’re gonna be ok at this whole parent thing. Do our best to show him or her that you can still be a good person in this world.”

He sighs, “Take it one day at a time.”

“We’ve been lucky this far. I just want it to stay that way. Things have seemed… well.. As normal as they can be. I’m not trying to be negative again.. but we have such a good thing here.. I’m just afraid.” I cradle my belly.

“Nothin’s gonna happen to you.” his eyes stare deep into my soul, “Ain’t nothin’ happenin’ to none of us. Not lettin’ it.”

“That means you too, Daryl.” my mind takes me to a place I never want to be, “Promise me.”

“I’mma protect you and that baby at all costs. You know that. That’s what I’m promisin’ you.”

“And yourself. You’re gonna protect yourself too.”

“I can’t promise that.” he shakes his head, “I can’t.”

“I’m not living without you. We aren’t. So I need your word.” My eyes widen, filling with tears, “It’s 3 of us or none of us.”

“Chas, you know if it’s me or you… I’m not lettin’ you die. I can’t. It ain’t a hard decision for me.”

“But you’re gonna be a father now. You have to care more about yourself. You have to, Baby.. for us.” I choke back tears, “How are you gonna be able to care for us and protect us if you’re dead? Straight up.”

He’s quiet. Chewing his bottom lip again. Letting my pleads and desperate words sink in. It’s sad that this is the talk we have to have. Who lives and dies if it comes down to it. But this is our reality and to do this right, we have to be transparent. Our eyes and ears open to everything. Happy one minute and faced with harsh tragedy the next. And we have to be ready for it. But I need my love to understand that his life matters too. He’s not just a human shield. He isn’t a sworn protector. He shouldn’t have to give his life in order for us to live. That isn’t living. It isn’t making it.

“We ain’t gotta talk ‘bout this no more.” he breaks the silence, pausing for a moment, “Brad Pitt.” he randomly blurts.

I laugh, “What about him?”

“If it’s a boy. Name ‘em Brad Pitt.” he shrugs, shaking his head.

“I fucking love you.” I smile, my heart bursting again. The only person on this planet, living or dead, that I can just exist weirdly with. Every day with this man is the best day of my life.

“Ditto.”


	33. Godzilla vs Mothra..

I can’t sleep. Can’t even toss and turn because I’m only somewhat comfortable laying on my right side. Only my right side. Keyword, ‘somewhat’. It’s a waiting game now. I’m full term, a week late, and I am so ready to not be pregnant anymore. Like, 2 months ago, if you wanna get technical. As much as the whole birth thing terrifies me, at this point, it’s my only way out. The only way to begin to get my body back to normal. The only way I’ll be able to sleep on my stomach again. To not feel like my body is just a host. Used and abused by my little monster. I struggle to sit up in bed, trying not to wake my sleeping boyfriend. I hold my huge belly in my hands as I imagine my baby in there resting in my lap. I sigh, pushing my long dark hair to the side. The moonlight slithering in through the blinds. 

“Come on, Baby Dixon..” I whisper, “You are seriously overstaying your welcome in there..” I rub my hands over the basketball under my skin, sighing deeply. I look over at Daryl, sleeping peacefully. God, he’s beautiful. 

“Alright then, little one.. let’s get us some water.. Mommy’s fucking thirsty.” I slowly climb out of bed, stopping to admire the crib that Rick and Daryl built with their bare hands. The yellow and green blanket neatly draped over the side that Carol knitted for us. The one eyed teddy bear that Glenn grabbed while out on a run. I could go on and on. My pouty lips curling into a humble smile. I may not have my mom, but I have some wonderful people around me. 

“Chas..” a sleepy, raspy voice. My love. “You good?”

“Can’t sleep..” I turn to face him as he sits up in the bed. His hair all over the place, touching his bare shoulders. A slight look of guilt on his face.

“Wanna walk around a little? I’ll get dressed.” he throws the blanket off of him.

“No.. stay in bed. I’m just gonna get some water.”

“I’mma get it..” 

“Daryl.. I got it. Please.. stay in bed.. I’ll be right back.” I smile, blowing him a kiss before waddling my overdue pregnant ass down the stairs. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to see my feet so I hold on to the banister and take my sweet time with each step. After what feels like 20 goddamn years later, I finally reach the kitchen, “I’m such a fucking ball.” I suck my teeth, as I open the fridge pulling out the water pitcher. I grab 2 glasses, filling them both about halfway. As I put the water back, I feel a weird cramping in my lower abdomen. The pitcher wasn’t that damn heavy.. Did I strain myself picking it up? Am I that pathetic right now? I freeze where I stand, holding my belly as the cramping intensifies, tightening like a vice. A twisting death grip. I yelp, leaning back against the counter. My heart begins to race.

“Oh my God.. Oh my God..” fear taking hold of me, “Daryl!” I cry out as another wave of what feels like the most intense period cramps I’ve ever experienced rips through my insides, “D-Daryl!”

About 2.5 seconds later my hunter is running down the stairs, “What is it?”

“I think the baby’s coming..” I grip the back of the chair, bending over. Trying my best to focus on my breathing. This is what I asked for. This is also my nightmare. I don’t know what to expect. But if this pain get’s any worse, I might die.

Daryl panics, his hand on my back. I can feel him shaking, “Gonna get your clothes, ok.. Be right back.. 2 fucking seconds...” 

“Ok..” 

I hear him run back up the stairs, shuffling around. I go to take a seat, but I can’t. I’m focusing on the pain that seems to be intensifying with every second. Do I have to go through hours and hours of this? How much worse is it going to get? I start to sweat as the vice mercilessly squeezing all of my insides together tightens. 

“Daryl!” I cry out between gasps for air as my love appears, fully clothed, holding my sweats and a hoodie, “Fuck the pants.. I can’t.. Holy fuck..” I grip his hand.

“Come on..” he drapes the hoodie over me, helping me slip my arms through. At this point, I could care less how cold it is outside. I just need Denise. He slips my boots on and in a blurry time lapse of who knows how many minutes, I find myself pantsless on Denise’s porch in the middle of the night while my hunter bangs on the door like the NYPD. I’m squeezing his arm, my nerves starting to get the best of me as reality superkicks me in the face. I’m having a baby. I’m having a fucking baby. There’s a little person that’s been brewing inside of me ready to kick and scream it’s way out. Shit is so real right now. And our lives are never ever going to be the same after this. 

Finally, a million years later, the light turns on and the door opens. Tara and Denise squinting sleepy eyes as they try to make sense of what was happening. 

“Uhh..” A weird sensation. Liquid dripping down my thighs, “I think my fucking water just broke?”

“Shit!” Denise puts her glasses on, her eyes suddenly bulging out of their sockets, “Come in!”

Daryl helps me inside as Denise hustles to set the scene for Baby Dixon’s big screen debut. I wanna scream and I wanna cry. Beg God to take it all back. I was just kidding. I really can’t do this. I don’t wanna do this. I’m shaking. I’m petrified. My thoughts give way to the worse pain yet. A 1000 on a scale of 1-100. What in the actual fuck?! I let out a deep moan, whimpering as Denise guides me to the bed. She and Daryl helping me onto it. My love looking pale as a ghost. Fear and uncertainty in his eyes as he caresses my clammy forehead, not leaving my side. She hooks me up to the heart rate monitor and I want to claw my skin off, I’m in so much pain.

“Ok.. I’ve been doing a lot of reading. Research.” Denise paces as Tara helps her prep her work station, “How far apart are your contractions?”

“What?!” I snap, “I don’t know, I don’t know!” 

“Were we s’posed to be timin’ ‘em?” Daryl looks up at Denise confused and defeated. 

“Eh, fuck it..”, Denise washes her hands and forearms, slipping on gloves as Tara removes my boots and my panties. Unzipping my hoodie and sliding me out of it. She helps me into a hospital gown and I could care less what I’m wearing or not wearing! I just want this baby out of me! Sooner than later! Everything I read. Everything Denise told me. Carol. Michonne. I can’t even think straight enough to remember it. Crippling agony from the destruction of my lady parts. I imagine God-fucking-zilla fucking up Tokyo in my womb. Then battling Mothra right through my birth canal.

“I’m gonna check your cervix.” Denise says, setting my legs into the stirrups and spreading me. I feel her fingers slip inside and I gasp, my body beginning to tremble as another wave of pain paralyzes me, “Damn. This baby wants out. We’re almost there..”

“Oh.. my… God!” my voice echoes throughout the house, “Oohhh.. Fuck this!” I turn to my side, tossing around in the worst pain of my life. My entire lower body feels like it’s being ripped apart from the inside out. By something horrible. Angry. And it fucking has teeth.

Daryl grabs my hand and I squeeze him for dear life. I know this is gonna be over soon. It fucking better be! But every second feels like an eternity. A long dragging, bloody eternity through the deepest pits of Hell. Fucking bullshit! I cry out as another contraction pile drives my guts. Churning them into grinded up chopped meat. I’m getting my ass kicked. Already exhausted from the pain. Time is a blur. I have no idea how long I’ve been here in labor. It feels like hours. Forever and a day. Voices and faces. At this point, I’m barely aware of what’s going on around me. Just.. trying not to die on this bed before I get the chance to meet the little tiny fucker that’s responsible.

“Can’t you give her somethin’ for the pain?” Daryl pleads through glassy blue eyes.

“We don’t have anything. She can’t take painkillers.” Denise nods, trying to calm my hunter, “She’s gonna be ok. Trust me on this. I’m doing everything I can.”

Tara suddenly runs out of the room. A few seconds later she reappears. Maggie right behind her. My beautiful friend. My guardian angel. Her face lights up as she rushes over to me and Daryl. 

“You’re here?” I manage to mumble, looking up at Maggie, tears in my eyes.

“I wouldn’t miss this for the world.” she touches my head, her other hand on Daryl’s shoulder. Her big green eyes moist with tears.

Having Maggie and Daryl here with me. Right beside me. Going through this entire experience with me. From the first + sign to here and now. Beginning to end.. I have no words. Maybe this is not the most ideal situation to be in at the end of the world, but I finally think I get what Maggie has been saying all along. This is a blessing. It’s a blessing because I truly care about these people in my life. And they care about me too. And this is what it’s all about now. People. The people you’ve loved since your first breath, and the people you’ve picked up along the way. It doesn’t matter the where or the how. All that matters is that we found each other. Formed unbreakable bonds that will last beyond this life. I’m ready for this. I can fucking do this. Well.. mainly, because I have no choice..

My hand in Daryl’s, I turn to look at him. Tears in my eyes, “You’re the man of my dreams.. the love of my life..” 

A single tear falls down my hunter’s cheek as we lock eyes, exchanging the intensity of everything we feel for each other. He brings the back of my hand to his lips and I’ve never been more ready than I am now to meet our baby. The little peanut turned tiny person that I’ve bonded with over the last nine months. Fuck.. I thought this pain couldn’t get any worse.. A spiked bulldozer set on fire annihilates my body from my navel straight through my lower back, down to my toes. I’m crying out in agony and I can’t control the volume of my voice as the pain intensifies. Denise is talking to me but I can’t hear her, consumed by what’s happening inside my body.

“Chase! I’m gonna need you to push!” she’s calling out from between my legs as Maggie runs over to watch, her hand over her mouth. Tara acts as Denise’s assistant standing by like a catcher behind home plate. Everyone’s face full of anticipation. “Ok.. on the count of 3.. just give it all you got.. ready? 1..2..3!”

I push. Push like all hell. My face feels like it’s going to explode. My eyeballs are about to pop out of my head and shoot straight across the room. I don’t even wanna know what my face look like. I stop to catch my breath, crying out in pain as my vagina catches fire. The flames are violent and ripping through me. Up, down and all around. Like I’m being doused in gasoline and it’s spreading rapidly. I let out another scream and my body is telling me to keep pushing. Just keep going. So I do. I push as hard as I can and I’m 100% sure I just shit myself. Or I will before this is all over. The pain between my thighs shooting deep inside of my body. Completely engulfing me.

“Oh my God!” Maggie cries, “I see the baby’s head!”

I have a baby hanging halfway out of my vagina and I’m freaking out. Afraid to move. Afraid I’m going to clench and hurt the little human. Denise is telling me to give her one last gigantic push and I’m already going in before she finishes her sentence. I need to end this. I’m gonna make fucking sure this is the last goddamn push. Squeezing Daryl’s hand as the stabbing fire makes one last attempt on my life. Trying desperately to breathe, gasping for air and I feel like I’m going to faint. Time speeding up and slowing down all at the same time as the fire finally starts to cool down. Just the pounding of my heart in my ears. And suddenly, a baby’s cry fills the room, taking my breath away. Bringing me back to life.

Daryl and I completely taken. Speechless and shaking. My bottom lip trembles as I realize it’s over. I did it. I start to laugh and ball my eyes out simultaneously as my love presses his head against mine. I can’t fully see what’s going on between my thighs as Denise cleans and checks my crying bundle of joy. My little monster. I can’t see what my baby looks like. Just my beautiful Maggie, crying and laughing with me. 

“It’s a boy!” Tara cheers, “He’s so awesome!”

My love is quiet and emotional, burying his head against mine as Denise finally places our son in my arms. Holy shit.. this isn’t real. His little tiny face. Those little eyes open and looking right at me. He’s so small. His warm tiny body wrapped up in a blanket like a little burrito, a hat on his head. I love him so much. I’m instantly infatuated and in the deepest love with this new life in my arms. He’s even better than I imagined he would be. I can’t explain this moment. I can’t begin to put into words how it feels to lay eyes on my baby for the very first time. Indescribable, unimaginable love. And nothing else matters. Nothing. Nothing we’ve been through, nothing we’ll ever go through. What’s out there. Who’s out there. None of it matters. Only him. 

Daryl gently cups the back of his son’s little head, tears down his face.

“Hi, my love..” my voice is shaky as I speak through tears. Nervously hoping to make a good first impression, despite my red, sweaty, snotty face. I’m his mommy. I want him to think I’m the prettiest mommy in the world. His little lips and nose. I peek under his hat to see a little head of brown hair. I smile and my heart swells. He has his father’s ears. All I wanted was for this baby to have his father’s ears! I’m beyond elated as I look at Daryl, “Hold him.”

He hesitates for a moment before wiping his face and nodding. I can feel his nerves as I place his newborn son in his arms for the first time. I’m smiling from ear to ear and I can barely see through the tears in my eyes. Daryl holds his son, studying his little features. In complete awe of him. Taking him all in. His little blue eyes open and looking up at his daddy. The moment I hadn’t known I’ve waited for my whole life. Maggie, Denise, Tara and I just watching with watery eyes and bursting hearts as father places a soft kiss to his son’s head. I’ve already forgotten all the pain. The long months of feeling awkward and uncomfortable. Feeling like a huge animal. The mood swings. The morning sickness. My mother was right, and now I understand. The outcome makes it all worth it.

“Congrats, guys..” Denise puts her arm around Tara, wiping her tears under her glasses.

Maggie runs over to Daryl, taking a closer look at her new nephew. I can’t believe what just happened. I can’t wrap my mind around it. I’m a mother. To the most beautiful little baby boy in the whole world. Daryl and I can’t take our eyes off of him. And we don’t. Denise, Tara and Maggie let us have our privacy for a little while. We barely speak because we can’t find words to describe how we feel. Love is not it. It’s so much more. I can’t believe we made him. I can’t believe 2 imperfect people from different backgrounds, different walks of life can create something so beautiful. So perfect in every way. Our lives are instantly changed. But even more so, individually we will never be the same. Never see the world the same way again. I’m exhausted but I fight sleep to hang out with my boys. Daryl and Milo. Milo James Dixon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time jump. Sorry for those who hate time jumps, I just had to. Pregnancy is long and Chase is a miserable preggo. Had to get the baby here to avoid filler chapters. Plus, I was anxious to write Daryl as a daddy! Hope you like it!!!!


	34. Tiny Little Milo..

“They sleep. They eat. They shit.” Carol says, holding Milo in her arms while she feeds him. My sleepy little Milo. Her lips curl into a loving smile as she looks down at the tiny human in her arms, “Ain’t that right, precious?” she pauses, turning her attention to me, “You should nurse him. Help the formula stretch. I’m sure we could find some more.. But it just makes more sense”

“Can I mix it?” I ask, already overwhelmed.

“Yup.” Carol smiles, laying a clean soft rag over her shoulder before setting Milo up to burp him. My heart drops as she does it all with ease. One swift motion. He’s so small and fragile, “Better not to mix it all in one bottle though. Formula expires rather quickly.”

I take a deep breath in. Exhale. Standing with my colorful arms crossed. My hair tied up in a messy bun. My belly still hasn’t fully gone down and the fucking pooch I have is hanging out of my tank, annoying the hell out of me, “Do I just.. Put my nipple in his mouth?”

“Sounds about right.” Carol laughs, gently rubbing and patting his little back, “You’re doing great, Chase. Don’t worry.” she turns to the baby, a little belch coming from his tiny body, “There it is! Good boy!”

Milo is only 4 days old and I’m already losing my mind. I don’t know what I would do without Carol at this point. Daryl and I don’t know the first thing about caring for a baby, let alone a tiny fragile newborn. Denise said he clocked in at 7 pounds 5 ounces. He’s basically the size of an 8 pound dumbbell. I’m terrified of not picking him up right. Hurting him by mistake. He can’t hold up his own head yet and that also scares the shit out of me. Daryl and I can’t sleep because we are terrified we aren’t laying him down in his crib correctly. That and the crying. The crying kills me. I hate when he cries because I don’t know what’s wrong. I know he’s hungry. But not all the time. What if he’s uncomfortable? What if he’s in pain or something? What if he doesn’t like me? This is so hard. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I was not prepared to be this fucking paranoid.

“I’m sorry to be so annoying, Carol.. I’m just.. uneducated and unprepared.” my eyes widen, the lack of sleep definitely catching up to me, “I never really intended to have kids so.. This is something I’m completely lost on.”

“You’re not annoying. Not at all.” she continues to feed my boy, “Motherhood is not for the faint of heart. Just understand that this is all a process. You learn as you go. And I’ll be here for you. Don’t worry about that.” she looks down at Milo, “God, he’s just perfect. Good job.” she giggles, “Too early to tell who he looks like.”

I smile, taking a seat on the couch next to her. That little nose. Those ears. Those. Fucking. Ears. I really can’t. “I see Daryl. A million percent.” maybe just because that’s all I wanna see. What I dreamt our baby would look like.

“I see a mix of both of you. He has your lips. Little pouty lips, ain’t that right, Milo?” Carol’s voice turns from normal to high pitched baby in .5 seconds.

“When does this go away?” I grab at my ‘pipa’.

“You just had a baby. Literally.” Carol shakes her head, “That should be the least of your concerns.”

I let out a deep insecure sigh. So many superficial questions running off with my thoughts. Is my vagina gonna go back to the way it was before? What if Daryl doesn't like my body anymore? Are my tits gonna eventually deflate? I look at Carol. Ashamed at where my mind automatically takes me as she sets Milo up on her lap, carefully propping him up.

“Ok, Milo.. one last burpie for Auntie Carol.” she baby talks as she begins to burp my tiny little son.

Suddenly, a wave of emotions comes over me and I start to cry. What. The. Fuck. I quickly wipe my tears away only to make room for the uncontrollable waterfall to follow. Bringing my hands to my face in an attempt to shield my stupid self from Carol and Milo. Especially Milo. I don't want him to see me cry. I don't want him to think it's his fault.

“I’m not sad. I’m ok.” I reassure. But mostly to myself.

Carol’s eyes burning a hole through me. And I can’t look at her. “You are ok.” she firmly speaks, “it’s ok to be a little sad.. It's normal. Having a baby is physically tough... but an emotional rollercoaster.. you're flippin' around upside down.. but it'll be over soon..”

“But I’m not sad..” I shake my head, wiping my face and smiling.

“It takes time. This is a crazy adjustment. On all levels.” she gently pats my son’s little back as he lets out another belch, “Such a good boy..”

"Do you think we're gonna be ok?"

"Oh, Sweetie..." she sighs, "You're gonna be just fine.."

"I mean... all of us.." I run my hands over my inked skin, "You. Rick.. Michonne.. Tara.. All of us."

"God willing." Carol looks at me, a nervous smile across her face. She lovingly hands over my sleepy Milo and I immediately realize how much I missed having him in my arms.

“Are you.. leaving?” I plead. Trying not to sound desperate and failing miserably, "Was it something I said?"

“Of course not! Just promised the others I'd help with a few things. I won’t be far. Holler if you need me.” my friend stands up, “he’s gonna be knocked out for a few hours. Take advantage and get a little sleep. Maggie will be over in a little bit.”

It’s not as if I need Carol to take care of Milo for me. It’s just.. well.. I don’t necessarily want to be alone with him. Because I’m terrified. And I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I second guess myself. With every little thing. Do I lay him on his back? His tummy? Should I just let him sleep in my arms so I can make sure he’s breathing? Is it too cold? Too hot? Is he wearing too many clothes? Did I wrap him up too tight? Should I check his diaper? Is he sleeping too much? Not enough? Should I wake him to eat again? He made a noise! Oh my God! Is he ok? Does it mean something? If my nipples are leaking, does that mean I should milk myself so I don’t waste it? I’m trying not to panic as I wave and smile. Seeing Carol to the door with my little monster asleep soundly in my arms. I take a deep breath in. Exhale out. Then again.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

“I’m fuckin’ this all up.” my hunter tries not to get frustrated as he attempts to change Milo’s diaper. His little legs, curling up into his body. Daryl seemingly afraid to hold onto them. Afraid he might hurt him. I press my lips tightly together so I don’t laugh. Not at my love. Just.. at the situation.

“You need help?” I shove the laughter deep down inside.

“Nah.. I can do it..” he gently lifts Milo’s bottom, wiping him clean. His face a mixture of confusion and slight disgust, “The hell you been eatin’, kid?”

I let out a giggle as my hunter fights to slip the new diaper on and secure it. It’s funny because Milo is just looking up at him, just as confused as his daddy. It’s funny because this entire scene is how I’ve been feeling the last few days. How I pictured an outsider would see me. Struggling but mostly creating the struggle for myself. Lost because I’ve convinced myself that I am. Fighting with a diaper that isn’t actually fighting back.

A crooked smile across Milo’s daddy’s face as he finally gets it. As best as he could. A proud papa.

“Looks good.” I nod as we both look down at our son, looking up at us. He's awake, but I'm sure it won't be for long. His big blue eyes staring but not really seeing much yet. Moving his little limbs about. And I wonder what’s going on in his little head. I wonder if he knows who we are. He has to. Right?

“Come here, little buddy” Daryl gently scoops his son up and lays him on his chest,sinking back on the bed.

I die a thousand times as Milo makes a few adorable little sounds, getting comfy against his father’s heartbeat. The realization of the times we live in, creeping into my skull. I’d give anything to have a fucking camera right now to capture this beautiful scene. A father and his new son. I grab Milo’s blanket and cover him as Daryl smiles down at his sleepy boy. I curl up on the bed beside the loves of my life as they share a moment.

“Daddy loves you.” my hunter softly speaks, “I ain’t gonna let nothin’ happen to you. I’m always gonna be there. No matter what.”

"He loves you so much, Daryl." I smile, warmly.

"You think so?"

"I know so. He knew your voice from when he was a little peanut inside of me. He felt you. And I felt it too."

"I don't even know how to love this much.." my hunter confesses. His loving eyes glued to Milo.

"Crazy, isn't it?"

"I wonder exactly when it was that we made him.. which time..."

"Hmmmm... should we go down the list of 'times'?" I laugh.

"I never thought this would ever happen. It was never even in the back of my mind when we were havin' sex."

"Me either.. Does that make us irresponsible?" I look at my love.

"It makes us 2 people livin' every day like it was our last.. cause it very well coulda been.. so, no.." he looks at me, "And I don't regret a damn thing I did with you.. 'Specially don't regret makin' Milo."

I pause, sighing, "Do you think I'm beautiful?"

"Stupid fuckin' question, Chas."

"My body.. It's just.. not the same.." I grip my belly. I know what Carol said. I know.. but, fuck.. I just want to feel normal again.

"You're the only thing in this life that's beautiful to me. Well.. you and Milo.. And that ain't ever changin'."

"Do you love me?"

"Another stupid fuckin' question."

"Daryl.. I need to hear it.." I look at my love through insecure glassy eyes.

"I love you." he doesn't hesitate. He looks me right in my eyes and I know it's the truth.

I lay my head on my hunter’s shoulder as we watch our boy sleep, “Things have been quiet..” I blurt, “I’m happy about that.. But it worries me..”

“We got them walls up solid. They ain’t goin’ nowhere.” he reassures, “I wouldn’t lie to you.. And I ain’t lyin’ ‘bout us bein’ safe here.”

“I know..” I nod, pressing my head into his flesh, “And I know you have to go back out there.”

“Don’t -”

“It’s ok.” I look into his ice blue eyes. It means even more now. And he’s coming back home. Because he always does. And he always will, “It’s ok.. It is..”

“Milo’s gonna have his daddy. I promise.”

“I know..” and he knows. I watch as my son breathes in and out. His little lungs and little body. That beautiful, perfect little face reminding me that there’s still so much hope left if we just believe in it. Fight for it. I never wanted to be a mother. I never gave it much thought or really cared. It’s funny how life works. I can’t even remember what life was like without Milo. 4 short days ago. 10 short months ago. None of it rings a bell. Feels real. Just like with Daryl, I don’t know that I even existed without him. Neither of them. One of the walking dead. Just wasting away. How could that be life? It just isn't.

“Besides..” Daryl looks at me, “I still owe you that Rock Band.”

I laugh, my cheeks blushing red, “I wonder what Milo’s gonna play…”

“He’ll replace Glenn on guitar.” Daryl laughs, “Glenn got too drunk and bombed one show too many.”

I laugh, "I love how that's the first thing that pops in your head... Drunk Glenn..." I laugh harder, "Then the young and ever so handsome Milo Dixon steps in and becomes an instant star..”

“Then the older and way less handsome Daryl Dixon feels shamed and steps down as shittiest drummer.”

“No! You have to stay in the band!” I laugh, my fantasies instantly shattered, "I don't care how old and unimportant you become."

Daryl tries not to laugh too hard as Milo sleeps soundly on his chest, “I’m guessin’ I also wear a cowboy hat as I rapidly age horribly."

“Of-fuckin’-course!”

"You, Maggie and Milo just continue to be young and cute. Cause that's fair."

"Oh, it's fair!"

“Maybe it ain’t so much of a bad thing..” he pauses, “thinkin’ up stuff sometimes..”

“It feels good to get away from here.. Even if it’s in the form of a stupid made up fantasy.” I gently touch my hand to Milo’s back.

“I’m sorry… for sayin’ it’s supid…”

“You’re forgiven, way less handsome Dixon.” I smile.

“I ain’t even mad at that.” he laughs.

“Well, you said it..” I shake my head in a giggle.

“You could be the prettiest Dixon..” his voice gets low.

My heart drops, “Huh?”

“I mean.. We ain’t gotta make a big deal out of it or nothin’..” he shrugs, looking down at the baby.

“Out of what?” my eyes widen.

“I don’t know..”

“Daryl..” you’re still afraid of your feelings? After everything we’ve been through? We just had a fucking baby together for fucks sake…

“We’re a family now, right?” he says matter-of-factly.

I lift my head up and nod, "Of course we are."

“Then you should have our last name too.” he nervously looks at me.

“Are you asking me to be your wife?”

“Whatever you wanna call it.”

My mouth hangs open. Daryl Dixon, you are THE worst romantic. Worst. My big brown eyes stare a hole through him. “Do you mean that?”

“I’m gettin’ all confused now..”

“You’re doing that...You’re confusing yourself...” I shake my head, “Daryl Dixon, are you asking me to marry you?”

“No ceremony or anything. I really don’t want none of that shit..”

“Daryl..”

“We might as well.. We got Milo now and-”

“Shut the fuck up!” I bark. He looks at me like I’m crazy as my outburst catches him off guard. I can’t control myself. He just.. He literally really in his own weird way just asked me to be his wife. Yes. YES. “Yes! I’ll marry you!” I excitedly lean in to kiss him. Turning to my sleeping Milo, “Mommy and daddy are getting married!!!” I place a soft kiss on his little head.

“Not.. no.. nu uh”

“Don’t ruin this for me, Dixon!”

"Alright." He laughs, “Whatever you want, Dixon.”

A squeal escapes my lips as I die and come back again. Whatever I want? I want to be your fucking wife! I want us to be a real family! No matter what that means. No ceremony? Fine! No big deal? Fucking fine! I just want you. I'm the mother of your child. I want your last name. I want you to call me your wife. The end of the world marks the beginning of ours. The Dixon's.


	35. This Life And The Next..

“We’ve proven ourselves. Over and over again.” Rick Grimes stands before us. His demeanor much different than previous meetings. And although he still intimidates the fuck out of me, there’s a sense of calm where there was once blinded rage, “Time we start settling down..getting acclimated with the land. This community is ours. And we can live here. Thrive here. We can… and we will.”

“Grow our own crops” Maggie speaks up, “We have the resources.. Maybe..” she turns her attention to Daryl, “Catch and breed a few animals for meat. We can make this work. Build a new world here.”

Rick nods, “Yes we can. After we pay Kenny a visit..”

“Kenny? Rick..Don’t you think we should leave that alone?” Michonne raises an eyebrow.

“You shot him.” Glenn shakes his head, “We didn’t exactly leave the door open for friendly visits.”

“I’d take it we’re all squared away. Why open the wound and pour salt in it?” Carol crosses her arms, “They left us alone all winter. Not a peep. It’s been almost a year.”

“I admit, we could have knocked.. could’ve...talked..” Rick adds, scratching his head.

“Could have not went HAM all over their asses? Yeah..” Glenn nods.

“We didn’t kill anyone.” Rick attempts to justify.

“We don’t need ‘em, Rick.” my hunter grunts, “Fuck ‘em. You want a cow like they got? I’ll get us a damn cow. Wanna turn us into Old Macdonald? Let’s go. We ain’t gotta have nothin’ to do with them. We ain’t gotta have nothin’ to do with nobody.”

“Daryl’s right.” I speak up, backing my man as I cradle Milo in my arms, “The systems they have, we can have too. Just us. We don’t need them.”

“I hear what you’re sayin’..I do.. But we need people.” Rick puts his hands to his hips, “If this is gonna work.. And last.. We need more people.”

“Not them people.” Daryl shakes his head, “We ain’t knockin’ on no doors askin’ for no help with our tails between our legs. Forget it.”

“We need to start thinkin’ about the bigger picture. The future of this place. We’re moving forward. Rebuilding. We should make things right with Kenny. Better to have a group that size as an ally than a potential threat. Eventually, when we got more to offer than our guns and muscle, we could open up trading. Real trading. To live and sustain. See if there are any more groups out there like us. Strengths and weaknesses balancing out. Bring back civilization. Work together.”

A silence falls over the room as everyone processes Rick’s words. He’s right. But more people equals more problems. Too many hands in the pot causes too much confusion. And ultimately, people fucking die.

“Ok.. so how the hell do you propose we ‘make things right’ with Kenny?” Glenn throws up air quotes, “If the shoe was on the other foot, how would you react? A guy busts through your gates, basically calls you a little bitch in front of your group, shoots you in the leg and rides off with your balls in his back pocket.. Then a year later.. Shows up at your front door and invites you to tea?”

“Sounds about right..” I try not to laugh as my hunter nudges me.

Rick paces at the head of the table for a moment. Collecting his thoughts before speaking again, “So, I fucked up. That’s all on me.”

“It wasn’t you, Rick.. you weren’t you..” Carol shakes her head, shrugging, “That’s done.”

“I fucked up. You tried to talk me out of it and I wouldn’t listen.” Rick’s eyes find Glenn’s, “You stood behind me fighting a war you didn’t believe in.”

“Rick..” Glenn sighs. Trying to find the words to say as they get stuck in his throat.

“You never gave up on me. When I was out of my mind. Fallin’ apart.” His eyes glass over as his voice cracks, “None of you did. I couldn’t see it then.. But I see it now. And I’m gonna make this right.” he puts his hand over his face, looking down for a moment before looking us over once more, “We need another few trades with Kenny’s group, at least. Until we get our systems flowing. We’ve exhausted the supplies within the entire surrounding area.”

The room grows silent again. Our group isn’t as big as Kenny’s, but we have mouths to feed. We have to do what we have to do. I just.. Still don’t know..

“He’d be in the right to tell us to go fuck ourselves.” Michonne sighs, crossing her arms.

“He’d be in the right to shoot me in the fucking leg.. But he won’t” Rick places his hands to his chest, “I'll go. I do this alone.”

“No.” Michonne shuts it down, “I’m going with you.”

“I’m sure the gates are heavily guarded.” Maggie adds, “They have way more people than we do. Who knows how they operate these days. After what we did.”

“If we’re doin’ this..” my love chews his lip, “I’m goin’ with ya.”

I swallow hard, looking at my hunter not looking at me. And I know he can feel my eyes burning his skin like 2 laser beams. 

“What if they aren’t in the mood to talk?” my heart begins to race as Milo starts fussing. His whimpers and little cries invading our peaceful gathering, echoing through the large room.

“They will be. And if not..” Rick tilts his head, pausing. His mind taking him somewhere else. That look on his face. As if he’s just watched it all play out in his head. He pulls in a deep breath of air, “They will be.”

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------

 

“This can go all kinds of ways but for some reason all of them are bad. All of them.” I pace back and forth across Maggie’s living room, “This isn’t a good idea.”

“Glenn’s feelin’ some kinda way.” Maggie crosses her arms.

“No shit.” I sarcastically laugh, “He’s been questioning Rick’s decisions since I got here. He’s fucking right.. I don’t know Rick like you know him.. he’s such a goddamn mystery to me.. but why are we doing this? Is it really for the greater good? Or for him? For his healing process?”

Maggie just looks at me. And I begin to realize that maybe I’m the one flying off the handle now. Taking this places that it has no business going. Fucking hormones. 

“I’m sorry..” I sigh, standing still to face my beautiful friend, “I’m honestly talking out of my fucking ass. That wasn’t -”

“No.. you’re right.” she pauses, “but everything Rick was sayin’.. The people. The future. He’s right too. If we could set this shit right with Kenny and his group again, we could have it a hell of alot easier. It was working out so well before. We had only done business with them about 2 times. But we seemed to have a good thing going. Before Carl….” she sighs and shakes her head, “If anyone could pull this off, Chase.. It’s Rick Grimes.”

I look down at my feet.

“Rick has been through hell. He’s lived through the worst of his days. He’s comin’ back from it. He is..” she pauses, “you’re a mother now. You can only imagine..”

Her vague words like a swift kick in the gut. My lungs collapse and I can’t breathe. Milo. I nervously look around the room for my son as if I didn’t already know where he was. Safe and fast asleep in his carrier. Innocent and beautiful. The love of my entire life. I can’t even begin to imagine.. I can’t and I don’t want to. A simple hint at the ‘what if’ giving me a dose of reality as to exactly what it is plaguing our leader. The heavy indescribable hell that, as Maggie said, he’s lived through. Is still living through. Will always have to live through. I instantly feel like a selfish piece of shit. 

“Dammit..” the word chokes me on the way out. 

“We gotta believe this is the right move.” Maggie says, “because if it all goes well.. It will be. We need this.”

“But Maggie…” my gut feeling takes me back to the constant stomach knots of living inside those walls, “They aren’t good people.”

“Did you see things?” she leans in, her green eyes wide, “When you were there, did they do things?”

“Not.. necessarily... I..” I realize my argument is invalid. No. They never did anything. Maybe Tyler was an asshole. Maybe Joss was a condescending bitch. Maybe I just didn’t fit in. But that doesn’t technically make them bad people, either. “I just.. The energy.. It was all off. I always felt as if I was waiting for the final shoe to drop. As if something terrible was going to happen. It never felt right with them. Not at all like it feels with you and your people. And that feeling was instant. I can’t explain it.. I sound crazy..”

“No. You don’t.” She reassures.

“I don’t trust them.” I firmly growl, “They saved us. Daryl and I were staying in this cabin. It seemed safe and.. It wasn’t.” I try to explain but it’s coming out in pieces. Words and pauses. “These men. They had us.. they had us dead.. Joss and Kenny saved us. They did.. and going with them.. I mean… Daryl was looking for you.. But going with them.. It brought us to you.. and leaving it alone.. It just seems like it’s.. The fucking universe is raising these red flags that this won’t end well.. I don’t know.. I’ve been having these terrible dreams.. I hope I’m fucking wrong, Maggie..”

I clutch the little music note around my neck, trying to steady my breathing. My racing thoughts. That ever present entity of impending doom threatening to choke me.

An eerie blanket of energy surrounds us as Maggie’s eyes widen, “You’re freaking me out.”

“I-”

Suddenly, Milo begins to fuss and cry. His little lungs powerful enough to echo throughout the house. I rush over to him, scooping him up into my arms, “He’s hungry. Do you mind if I feed him?”

“Of course not..” she snaps out of the spell I seemed to have been casting. Getting way ahead of myself. Overreacting again. Milo, swooping in to change the subject and save the day. My little superhero.

I take a deep breath and whip my boob out, setting him up to feed. I love my son but I’m not a fan of breastfeeding. As a matter of fact, anything to do with my nipples after he’s old enough, will be off limits. For the rest of my life. But Carol is a million percent right. And my baby needs to eat. First world zombie apocalypse problems. A grimace across my face.

“Does it hurt?” Maggie asks.

“My nipples are so horribly sore.. and chapped..yeah..” I pout.

“I’m thinkin’ of tryin’ again..” she confesses, “havin’ a baby.”

“Really?!” my face lights up. A year ago, I would have begged her not to. 

“Yeah. If we get pregnant now, Milo and our baby will be able to grow up together. Pretty much the same age. Just a year or so apart. Have each other, ya know?”

“I think that’s a great idea..” I smile at the thought of our little ones running around. Not feeling alone in this shitty world.

“I do too.” she blushes, sitting next to me. Watching Milo suck the life out of my tits.

“I think Daryl asked me to marry him.” I blurt, randomly.

Maggie laughs, “Wait...You think?”

“I mean.. We’re getting married. Kinda..or maybe we are already? I have no idea..” I shake my head and giggle, my cheeks heating up.

“Glenn asked me to marry him. Then we said a few words in front of my daddy and family.” she smiles, “You gotta have a ceremony! Even if it’s just the 2 of you. And me and Glenn..” she giggles, “Or just me… either way… me!”

“I think so too..” my smile grows bigger, “I’m not religious.. but I think we should do something to symbolize it.. Even if we just stand in front of each other and say, ‘ok.. we’re married.’” 

“That’s probably exactly what Daryl would prefer.” Maggie shakes her head.

“Before he and Rick go to Kenny’s.” my tone grows serious again, “Not to be a buzzkill.. But I want to make sure it’s official. Just in case..”

Maggie sighs, “It’s gonna work out.. you can’t think like that.”

I look down at Milo, falling asleep as he eats. Everything we planned. The world that we promised we would fight to show him. It’s gonna work out. It has to. And it might not be easy to patch things up with Kenny, but Maggie is right. We need this. If not for us, for Milo to have a future. And to me, that’s the only thing that matters. Rick isn’t out for personal bullshit. That parts over. 

 

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“I feel silly.” Daryl nervously nibbles his bottom lip, cradling Milo in his right arm. His long hair shagging over his piercing blue eyes. Those ears peeking out. Fuck, he’s perfect.

“Me too.” I giggle, clenching his left hand tighter in mine. Palms pressed together. Fingers interlocking. 

“I’m gonna take it upon myself, as your officiant and witness, to say a few words as I wrap you up in holy matrimony. Tying the knot of undying love and devotion. Quite literally..” Maggie lets out a giggle under her breath.

“What?” my hunter scoffs. His face a jumble of confusion. I cover my mouth with my free hand to keep myself from laughing. This is gonna be fun.. 

“Daryl. Chastity.” Maggie begins, her face lit up like a Christmas tree. That big beautiful smile, contagious, as she starts to wrap twine around our hands, “There is no love purer than the love you both share. I see it. I feel it.”

Daryl is tense and fidgety as we stand between the back of our house and the tall secure walls of our community. Maggie, Daryl, Milo and I. A secret, intimate moment solidifying our commitment. And we couldn’t have picked a more perfect day. My makeshift bedsheet veil flowing in the breeze. It’s patterned and colorful. Just how life is with my love. Beautiful and free. His strong arms and hands binding the 3 of us as he holds his little family close. Milo is awake and I can tell he’s happy. He wouldn’t miss this for the world. Mommy and Daddy on their wedding day.

“Entwined in love, forever bound to one another. Through sickness and health. This life and the next. For as long as love shall last.” Maggie wraps the old twine around our hands as many times as the length would allow, securing it firmly with a knot, “Your love shines brighter than the sun. Brighter than the moon and the stars. Your love lives within Milo, and like him, will continue to grow and flourish with each passing day. Your love and loyalty to each other are beyond this world.” she fights back tears as her voice cracks, “I am honored to stand here with you. As your friend. As your family.”

Daryl’s eyes find mine and I lose it. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry. Damn fucking hormones. I place my free hand to Milo’s head, allowing the tears to fall freely. Because it’s ok. And it’s real. 

“Chastity Sanchez, do you accept Daryl Dixon as your husband and partner in this life and the next for as long as love shall last?” Maggie doesn’t bother to wipe her tears away.

“I do.” Of fucking course I do. With all my heart and soul.

“Daryl Dixon, do you accept Chastity Sanchez as your wife and partner in this life and the next for as long as love shall last?”

He pauses for a moment, taking a breath in as he looks down at our son before turning his attention back to me, “Fuck yeah.. Absolutely.” my hunter nods, with that crooked smile. 

Breaking the tension. Accepting me like I knew he would. In true Daryl fashion. Raw and uncut. Maggie and I share a laugh through watery eyes as my hunter places a soft kiss to Milo’s head, melting us both into the ground. Fuck, I love you so much you asshole...

“Fucking A! Kiss your bride!” Maggie excitedly gives a hop before scooping Milo out of my loves arms.

Daryl and I share our first sweet kiss as husband and wife. Innocent, awkward and timid. Like the first time all over again. And that’s more than ok with me. Chastity Dixon. Holy fucking shit. Mrs. Dixon. Mrs. Daryl fucking Dixon! I’m jumping out of my skin. I’m completely in outer space. I think my heart is gonna explode. I think it already has. 

“How long we gotta keep this damn thing on?” Daryl raises our still wrapped hands, the knot tied tight enough to almost jerk my entire body up with him.

“I got it.” I laugh, clumsily untying the twine. Freeing us from our symbolic physical conjoining. My hunter’s eyes on me as Maggie pays no attention to us anymore. Cooing and talking to Milo. I look up, holding a silent, time stopping gaze with the love of my life. My new husband. My everything. My lips curling into a shy smile as my hunter pushes the hair from my face. My veil still holding on strong as the breeze threatens to take her away.

So many words I want to say to him. So many words dancing around his head and his heart. We don’t have rings. We didn’t have a wedding in front of everyone in our lives. Our new family. So what. We didn’t write our own cheesy vows and he may not have cried. I didn’t wear a dress and he didn’t wear a suit. So fucking what. Through everything that we’ve been through. Through all my doubts and insecurities. His doubts and insecurities. I’ve learned to love the quirks and differences in our relationship. The way we are together. The way we show affection. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. And seeing him with Milo..I can’t even begin to try to put it into words. He’s already the most amazing father. So loving and caring. So protective and attentive. The first one jumping up in the middle of the night when Milo cries. The way he looks at our little boy and talks to him. Reassuring him that he’s all that matters. That we love him so much. That we are the most perfect little family. Now and forever.   



End file.
